Ever since I found out I was pregnant I've been saying its a boy. I knew I'd be happy either way but some part of me was relieved to find out it was a boy. I wasn't consciously aware at first that I had a fear of having a little girl but when trying to figure out why I was so determined to have a boy it started making more and more sense. Girls in our society are so vulnerable, or at least that's what my experience has taught me. Life has taught me that physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse, is all part of being a girl. Right?
Why would I want that for my child. I know that's not how its suppose to be and that abuse might not be the case for some girls but I did fear on some unconscious level that having a girl would mean having a vulnerable child that bad things might happen too. This isn't entirely logical, bad things can happen to anyone, but fear is rarely logical.
This all comes from some abuse that I endured as a small child at the hands of older male relatives, granted they weren't that much older. The oldest wasn't even 5 years older me, but being 4 to 6 years old at the time, it does make a big difference. This is something I never ever talk about but I've been trying to be more open with you guys in my writing lately. This abuse happened with 3 different male relatives, more then once, but it had been blocked out until recently. I remembered bits and pieces but having tried so hard to forget I only recently started remembering most of it.
Now that I'm about to have a child of my own, these experiences have come back to haunt me. I'm relieved to know I'm having a boy but that doesn't mean I'm not still worried. I want to make sure I'm open with him and explain boundaries to him. What's right and what's wrong. I want him to know he can come to me with anything, no subject is too taboo. I can't keep living in fear and shelter him for the rest of his life. So as scary and as uncomfortable as it might be I'll make it a priority of mine to keep an open line of communication with him starting at a young age. I want to teach him how to keep himself safe and respect others bodies and personal space. Something more parents should be doing.
You never know, maybe if those relatives had been educated in whats right and wrong with other peoples bodies than maybe that abuse never would of happened. We can't keep silent in hopes that our child will figure it out on their own. We need to talk to them. I know children will be curious and want to explore their bodies but they need to know that other peoples bodies are off limits and to respect everyones space.
I'm not exactly sure how much this abuse has affected my psyche but I'm sure it had a definite impact on my relationships and the way I experience intimacy. It might of even played a part in my addiction. The topic still makes me feel uncomfortable today but it needs to be talked about and we need to educate our young. I know I'm not alone in this and to the people out there who this has happened to please know you are not alone and we can make a difference if we talk about it.
Love Charmed
Okay lets try this again! LOL ;) Child abuse, specifically sexual related abuse is nurtured by the lack of parental bonding. 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will fall victim to sexual abuse. The abuser preys on victims who don't have a close bond with their parents. The cracks in between parent and child bonding lives the sadistic child predators. They know they have to chose a child who wont tell their parents what happened and so on. I think you said that your perp was a youngster? I would guess that his/her bond with their parent was not a very good one. Sorry for what you had to deal with. That is just horrible. Keep a strong bond with your child and he will naturally stave off sadistic preditors. They will know that bond exists and they will have to move on to someone else. Same goes with bullying. Kids get bullied because the bully senses the lack of parental bond with the child. Great post and like I mentioned, this stuff needs to be talked about. I believe it is extremely important. Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteYa they were young also and I ended up telling my parents at 7 yrs old and that's why it stopped. I've found that's its fairly common for the young to explore each others bodies and so on. I think with it being a common thing though ppl should talk about it more and teach their children to respect others bodies and boundaries before something happens. Hoping to do so without scaring them away from developing and exploring their own sexuality. Thanks so much for stopping by, this was a touchy subject and I felt like I needed others input more then usual, so thank you. :)
DeleteHey Chelsea! Sorry about the delayed comment, I Dm'd you and said i'd comment! Its been very emotional for me as we lost another good friend to alcohol!:-( so here I am!! When I was pregnant too, it seemed that all the trauma i had experienced flooded back into my mind.My emotions were all over the place, so I can feel for you! You r brave for speaking of it! and YES it does impact all of your relationships and how you experience intimacy. When this happens to you as a child it kills any chance you have at trusting and being open to loving someone. I used to flinch when someone would get close to me and tense up. It kills you inside and will continue coming back to haunt you it needs to be talked about to heal.I like that you will be open and communicate with your child about respecting others and how to be safe in this world, you have to be open with your kids.You need and want them to come to you if anything is wrong. I agree with Dustin about the parental bond thing, its true, I had no bond with my parents, they were both addicts/alcoholics and their many parties and friends left me completely open to the abuse that had happened.It's very hard to speak off and that's why you are brave for writting about it, i'm already tearing up and shaking just typing about it to you.So I can feel for you girl, don't be shy about DMing or emailing me to talk about anything okay! And I love all your posts and writting style by the way!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting,I usually dont worry about comments but this post was a sensitive subject for me and I really wanted ppls input. We were all pretty young so I imagine in wasnt as bad as if I would of been a child with someone much older. I've been able to heal from it for the most part and thats why I can write about it. I hope you can one day heal also. No child should ever have to experience that. I think having a close bond with our children and having open communication with them would really help, and Im hoping I can do that with my little one. Take Care of yourself and when your ready look into taking the steps needed to heal. We our stronger together so if you ever want to talk, know that Im here also.
DeleteI'm glad you spoke up about wanting this to be read. It's an incredibly important topic. Keeping my daughter both informed and empowered is never far from my mind.
ReplyDeleteI wish you hadn't gone through what you did but I thank you for sharing them in the interest of processing them you're helping others.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Im really happy to hear that. I felt bad after tweeting about being disappointed no one had commented since I had put it up 2 days prior. I usually try not to let no comments bother me too much but to be honest getting comments makes my day, the support I get here is truly working miracles for me. It makes me so much happier, I feel like I can face everything a bit better. Its helps me be more open and in turn heal. Plus this topic was something I really wanted people to read about, I find it sooo important. Im meeting more and more ppl that have dealt with childhood abuse and Im hoping by raising awareness we can prevent more of it happening. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting, means more then you know. :) <3<3 Take Care.
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