How Can a Pregnant Teacher Dismiss Postpartum Struggles

Some people just won’t take mental illness seriously! Surprisingly one of those people ended up being my psychology professor. You would think a pregnant psychology professor would be more sympathetic towards a new mom suffering from a mild case of postpartum depression, but no, not even a doctor’s note would make her sympathetic to my situation.

Being a new mom in recovery, I wasn’t going to self-medicate to make myself feel better just to keep up with her demands. What’s even more disturbing is that she continually made things harder for me and graded my work like she had a grudge against me. To this day I can only speculate as to what was going through her mind.

Was she thinking that postpartum depression was only temporary and common so it wasn’t that serious? Was she thinking the Doctor only had my word on how I was feeling and what I was experiencing so it was too subjective for her to take seriously? Maybe she thought I was exaggerating the situation or that I didn’t seem ill so it couldn't be that bad.

I guess some people think postpartum depression and other mental illnesses aren’t real. I don't understand why. Everyone's struggle is real for them. Sometimes we don't even know what's going on in our own minds so how are we supposed to explain it to someone else. I didn’t want to share my past with her and explain to her that I was a recovering addict and that made things all the more difficult for me. I seriously thought a doctor’s note would suffice.

Stop Stigmatizing Recovering Addicts!!

It makes me extremely sad to see how much discrimination and stigma recovering addicts have to face. We have to overcome stigma all the time when making friends, at the doctor's office, when having a baby, and even more so in the workplace. How can it be so pervasive in a society where no one is left untouched by addiction? 

Each one of us have been addicted to something or care about someone who has. Whether it be an addiction to alcohol, cigarettes, internet, sex, porn, being in love, eating or anything else. How can we lack compassion and understanding as a society when we are all affected by it one way or another? I don't get it, having been addicted has made me very compassionate and understanding.

Why Doesn't He Want to Have Sex With Me? Methadone & Low Testosterone

This might be an embarrassing topic to talk about since low testosterone causes a low sex drive (among other things like fatigue and lack of motivation), but I believe its important for us to talk about because its a real problem facing many men and couples on methadone. Sadly too many people stay quiet about this issue because of the stigma attached to it. Like a low sex drive not being manly or it taking away from their manhood, and for women they might feel inadequate or like its their fault somehow that their partner doesn't want to have sex with them. I should know, I've been dealing with this myself.

I'm hoping by writing about my struggles here it will let people know their not alone and theirs no shame in getting tested for LowT if they feel like they are having the same issues. Well my hubby never wants to have sex with me and its really been hurting my feelings. Although I've been reassured this isn't the case it makes me feel like I'm not attractive to him or that he doesn't want me because he doesn't love me. I've known methadone to lower people sex drive and I believe him when he says he's just tired and not in the mood but that doesn't remove the pain of rejection completely and it doesn't fix the problem. On the rare times we do have sex I feel like I have to bug him for it which is so not a turn on for me and it's all really affecting our sex life and with that our relationship. Intimacy is important for me to feel connected to him.

I knew from past experience that methadone, especially a high dose of methadone, can cause a low sex drive but I never thought anything could be done about it besides him getting off methadone and risking his sobriety. But thanks to a recent study done on low testosterone and methadone we have realized that his none existent sex drive and constant fatigue might be due to low testosterone which is usually treatable. We are happy that finally something can be done about it that doesn't involve him risking his sobriety by getting off methadone but he still needs to ask his doctor on his next appointment about getting tested for it. We wont know for sure if something can be done about it until then but I'm hopeful we have discovered what the problem is and that it can be treated.

Are you having similar issues? Have you ever had similar issues? Please let me know in the comments below and give courage to those who need it. If we talk about it we can give people the courage to get tested and treated which can improve many aspects of their lives. Cheers to being happy and healthy :)

The link to the Study:

http://fhs.mcmaster.ca/main/news/news_2014/opioid_addiction_treatment_study.html

Thank you so much for stopping by. Lets stay in touch :)
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PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Charmed

Children's Aid: Never Where Their Needed The Most

I was recently informed by my doctor that I'd have to call Children's Aid before my due date to let them know I'm clean and provide them with a letter from my doctor informing them that I'm stable. I'm not happy about this for many reasons but mainly because I know way too many bad things about Children's Aid and how they operate, plus I feel like its unfair that I have to defend myself and prove to them that I'm clean. Kind of feels like prejudice to me, specially because it wont just stop at a letter from my doctor. They will start asking a million and one questions about my life trying to find some reason to become more involved. Or at least that's been what I've known them to do.

I know that their just doing their jobs by making sure I'm clean and I should be happy that their protecting children from unhealthy homes where parents do drugs. The problem is they often get involved in cases where the child is doing fine and cause the family trouble. Sadly I've heard this kind of situation happening from many families. So it probably won't stop with just having to give them a letter. Even though I have nothing to hide I feel like they will put me under a microscope and judge every little thing until they can find something to cause me trouble. 

Also I think about my own childhood and how although my parents weren't perfect and addiction was involved taking me away from them would of caused more harm then good. I probably would of became severely depressed being taken away from my parents.I remember when I was younger a worker came to talk to me at my home and it was just a terrible experience. He came in acting like he owned the place and started telling me I wasn't a good kid for not listening to my mom. It did nothing to help my situation that's for sure.

My partner also had a not so pleasant run in with them when he had his daughter with his ex. The guy worker that came over to talk to his ex started hitting on her and asked her out. Making my hubby sound like a bad guy for not being home because he was working out of town. Thankfully this worker lost his job. Another example, would be them harassing my Dad and trying to take my little brother away. They demanded a drug test 5 times in the past 2 years because he past each time the last time he made sure to tell them if they bothered him again he would be pressing charges. I don't know how that works or if he can press charges but I hope something can be done about bad workers and their flawed system.

I believe in having something in place to protect children but our children's aid system seriously needs work to be just and effective. Hopefully they don't give me any problems when I give them my doctors letter and they don't question me because knowing myself I'll get defensive and pissed. My diplomacy skills do need work I'll admit that LOL. I'll keep you guys all updated on how it goes. Anybody else here have had experience with Children's Aid ?Good or Bad, let me know in the comments below, please. Thanks for listening to me vent and rant, you guys are awesome :D

Check out this story about a mother who lost her child from the time he was born until he was 9 months old when she finally won her case against CAS for being on methadone. They took the child at the hospital and told her she couldn't have custody until she got off methadone.

http://atforum.com/2011/08/advocates-help-new-moms-in-methadone-treatment/#.UPb0CMYsbYo.pinterest

Charmed

Should us Addicts be in Prison ?

Lets just incarcerate everyone that does drugs and have them do drugs in prison instead. That way it will cost our government a boat load of money just for the peace of mind of everyone who hasnt been affected by drugs.

We do a lot of things when we are in active addiction that's against the law but is prison really the answer?

I remember when I had to go to court for check fraud when I was 16 and in the middle of my full blown addiction. I got a call from the police department that they wanted to talk to me. The check situation was completely out of my mind by that time so I went in not sure what to expect. They ended up treating me like a victim, acting like they felt sorry for me. Maybe it was because I was only sixteen and my boyfriend was 21. They even asked me if my boyfriend made me do it. I was honest and told them that no one made me do it I did it because I was addicted to drugs.

After informing me that I'd have to go to court because the store where I had cashed the checks was pressing charges they asked that I tell my boyfriend they also wanted to speak with him. Thankfully, the charges were eventually dropped although I'm still not sure why. I like to think it had something to do with us being young, addicted, and wanting to give us a chance to do better with our lives before giving us a criminal record. I know it's probably wishful thinking.

I'm happy that more addicts are getting sentenced with mandatory treatment instead of prison lately, but our jail population is still filled with too many addicts who aren't getting the proper treatment. Going to jail gives them the opportunity to get clean but once released the chances of relapse are extremely high. If you're like me and you believe that addiction is a mental health issue then wouldn't mandatory treatment be a better option for addicts. If we truly want to rehabilitate them and help them become productive members of society then addressing their addiction would be the best course of action.

Putting addicts in prison isn't actually fixing the problem it's only putting it on hold. Don't get me wrong some crimes do deserve jail time, no doubt about that, but if the crime was due to an addiction chances of them repeating that crime are extremely high if the addiction isn't treated properly. I think for the more severe crimes they should still get some jail time but with access to proper addiction treatment.

Our society should incorporate effective addiction treatments in all prisons. For the minor drug offenses mandatory treatment would be ideal. The influence of more hardcore criminals can be destructive to addicts who are only there for drug related offenses. People usually come out of prison with better connections and ways of committing crimes so keeping them separated could benefit everyone. I'm glad our society is finally recognizing the fact that addicts need real help, not just prison time.

What do you guys think. Let me know in the comments below.

Charmed.

I Need To Get My Shit Together

For the past week, I haven't been doing much of anything except sleeping and its starting to really get to me. I remember this feeling of being tired all the time when I first started my recovery and it was pretty bad, but not as bad as this. I'm literally sleeping anywhere from 15 to 18 hours a day. I'm sure being pregnant is playing a big part in me being tired and I haven't been eating the best lately either. I don't have the time or the energy to make anything to eat so I end up eating take out, and let me tell you I'm getting sick of take out. The place is a mess, we have no more clean dishes, and the bathroom and floors really need to be cleaned. I just don't know where to start. I don't even have the energy to argue with my hubby about him lending a hand. I've tried that many times and it rarely works.

I might be this tired because I haven't been taking my maternal vitamins for a month or so. If I don't see them I forget to take them (out of sight, out of mind). I couldn't find them since I got back from camping in July. Funny thing is they were right on my dresser behind some other bottles the whole time. Today's the third day since I've started taking them again and I'm hoping they fix the problem. I don't know how long I have to wait for them to start working but if I don't see an improvement by this Friday I'll be contacting my Obgyn. Another possibility might be the rapid weight gain this month. When I went to the OB this week I found out I had gained 8 pounds in the last month which is a lot compare to the 5 pounds that I had gained in the first 5 months of my pregnancy. This might also be why I'm so sore lately too. Back, legs and stomach pain, plus headaches, nausia and heartburn. All part of being pregnant.

Besides cleaning that badly needs to get done I have some important things I need to do before school starts next week and I just can't seem to find the energy to get around to it. I'm really scared that I'm still going to be this tired once school starts. What am I going to do? Has anyone else every dealt with being tired either in recovery or because of pregnancy ? If so please let me know how you got over it. I don't think I can take it much longer, so much needs to get done. I'll try and make a list tomorrow and deal with one thing on the list at a time. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm happy I've been able to keep up with my blogging at least because that's one thing that definitely makes me happy and soothes me. It be a total dream if I could eventually become a full time blogger.

Charmed

Childhood Trauma Surfacing Now That I'm Expecting

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I've been saying its a boy. I knew I'd be happy either way but some part of me was relieved to find out it was a boy. I wasn't consciously aware at first that I had a fear of having a little girl but when trying to figure out why I was so determined to have a boy it started making more and more sense. Girls in our society are so vulnerable, or at least that's what my experience has taught me. Life has taught me that physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse, is all part of being a girl. Right?

Why would I want that for my child. I know that's not how its suppose to be and that abuse might not be the case for some girls but I did fear on some unconscious level that having a girl would mean having a vulnerable child that bad things might happen too. This isn't entirely logical, bad things can happen to anyone, but fear is rarely logical.

This all comes from some abuse that I endured as a small child at the hands of older male relatives, granted they weren't that much older. The oldest wasn't even 5 years older me, but being 4 to 6 years old at the time, it does make a big difference. This is something I never ever talk about but I've been trying to be more open with you guys in my writing lately. This abuse happened with 3 different male relatives, more then once, but it had been blocked out until recently. I remembered bits and pieces but having tried so hard to forget I only recently started remembering most of it.

Now that I'm about to have a child of my own, these experiences have come back to haunt me. I'm relieved to know I'm having a boy but that doesn't mean I'm not still worried. I want to make sure I'm open with him and explain boundaries to him. What's right and what's wrong. I want him to know he can come to me with anything, no subject is too taboo. I can't keep living in fear and shelter him for the rest of his life. So as scary and as uncomfortable as it might be I'll make it a priority of mine to keep an open line of communication with him starting at a young age. I want to teach him how to keep himself safe and respect others bodies and personal space. Something more parents should be doing. 

You never know, maybe if those relatives had been educated in whats right and wrong with other peoples bodies than maybe that abuse never would of happened. We can't keep silent in hopes that our child will figure it out on their own. We need to talk to them. I know children will be curious and want to explore their bodies but they need to know that other peoples bodies are off limits and to respect everyones space.

I'm not exactly sure how much this abuse has affected my psyche but I'm sure it had a definite impact on my relationships and the way I experience intimacy. It might of even played a part in my addiction. The topic still makes me feel uncomfortable today but it needs to be talked about and we need to educate our young. I know I'm not alone in this and to the people out there who this has happened to please know you are not alone and we can make a difference if we talk about it.

Love Charmed

Still Feeling the Effects of My Total Meltdown

I don't know why certain things affect me so much and pretty much cause me to have a meltdown/panic attack that last for hours. Some bad situations just rock me to the core. I've always known I'm a really sensitive person and being pregnant and all hormonal probably didn't help but some of the things people do just really get to me.

One minute I'm super excited listening to tunes while waiting for my hubby to get home from work so we can go do some grocery shopping in our new car that we just put on the road today. This meant I'd get to practice my driving for my full licence that I plan on going for at the end of the month. AND THEN I get a text from my boss saying I've gotten complaints from customers and workers that your not working as good as you use to so take this week to relax and you will have back your normal hours next week.

LIKE SERIOUSLY WTF!! Of course I'm not as good as I use to be I'm 6 month pregnant, hello!! I was their best employee for god knows how long and they only one they trusted to open the store on weekends and this is how they treat me. I have 3 weeks left with them until I leave due to my pregnancy and I told them, many times now, that I needed as many hours as possible before I leave. Raising a baby isn't cheap!

Extremely hurt, I proceeded to ask her what I had done wrong so I could fix it and she didn't want to tell me until I came in to pick up my check on Friday. AGAIN WTF! So you tell me something like that and then decide to not tell me what really wrong, so I can then worry about it for days and have my mind think of all the worst possible scenarios. NOT FUCKING COOL! Pardon my language. But she does know I'm pregnant right, its kind of obvious at this point. I've been there longer then everyone beside the manager and one day staff. Why would she stress me out and do this to me when I only have 3 weeks left there.

I know for a fact that I'm a better worker then half the people there. I've been doing this job for over 4 years and I take pride in my work. I've been told by my bosses numerous times how much of a good job I'm doing but now that I'm pregnant they cant be a little understanding. My boss even told me 2 weeks ago I couldn't take the weekend off for my baby shower because she was getting married. That she needed me and that she only trusted me to open the store. So I had to cancel the day that worked best for me and everyone else for my baby shower because of her and now she does this.

How is all of this fair in anyway. I just don't get it. I cried over this pretty much all day.i even had a panic attack on the bathroom floor, home by myself worrying my ass off about money. I was angry, bitter and sad. I came so very close to texting her back and just saying you know what I quit. If you don't appreciate me and your going to pull this shit. I QUIT! But after thinking about it a lot I didn't because I really need the money. I was hoping Id be making money off my blog by now, but the ads aren't really selling much, and I guess I'm fine with that because that's not why I blog. Its just an added bonus. Anyways I decided to see what she had to say on Friday and if it still bothered me this much I was going to give her a piece of my mind and tell her I quit.

What do you guys think?

Sincerely Charmed

PS: I think this is the perfect opportunity to try and sell some of the healing trees I hand make with crystals that have natural healing properties on ebay again. Hopefully this time I actually sell some :)

PSS: I recently came across 2 blogs that have quickly become my Top Favorite Blogs. Great Post about Addiction, Recovery and everything in between by Amazing Supportive Individuals. If you like this blog then please go check them out, I guarantee you wont regret it.
The Secret Slayer
The Methadone Maze

Being A Pregnant Recovering Addict on Methadone

It's really hard for me to be open to people about being on methadone because of the negative stigma attached to it and now that I'm pregnant its even worst. Most people who aren't well informed about methadone seem to automatically think I'm a bad mother or that theirs going to be something wrong with my baby. I've personally seen many people on methadone have babies and all of them were perfect little bundles of joy. Being on meth is better than being on drugs and stopping meth or tapering off could lead to a miscarriage so trust me when I say I've looked into it and I'm doing the best I can for my little baby. I was tapering off before I got pregnant but I stopped when I found out because I didn't want to cause anymore stress on the baby and my body then it was already going through.

That being said its not easy being on methadone, my pharmacy totally screwed up my dose couple weeks ago and I went into major withdrawal for a week because they refused to fix it until my next pick up date. I hadn't felt that bad in a very long time. I can't explain the symptoms to someone whose never had them but I promise you their terrible and being pregnant made it all that much worst. I couldn't even take anything for it besides Tylenol which didn't really help and I was hesitant to take even that.

I've been taken by surprise by how much people expect pregnant women to follow these strict rules and get judge so negatively if they don't. Their so many dos and donts that I wasn't even aware of and how harsh some people can be if they find out your not doing or avoiding certain things. For example, the big issue about smoking when pregnant is so frowned upon that women posting in forums asking for advice on how to cut down or quit are met with rude comments. If their reactions were that rude to smoking I can just imagine how bad it would be if someone were to mention they were on methadone.

These people say things like just quit its your babies life, don't you care, your such a bad mother. Do they not know how these comments can really affect a pregnant hormonal person who's already worrying her but off about her babies health and safety. Like if it was that easy don't you think they would of done it already. I honestly think as a society we need to lay off the judgement and instead help each other out and accept peoples choices, that includes even me. Most of us are just doing the best we can and the judging doesn't help. I always try an remember that when I feel like judging someone for doing things differently than me.

This Post was Published On KLEN + SOBR Go Check it out :)

I've found that it helped to know as much as possible about methadone and pregnancy so I could answer any comments or questions people gave me. What I've found is this:

Is methadone safe for my baby?

Methadone treatment for pregnant women has been studied for the past 40 years and is considered the “gold standard” of treatment for pregnant women with opiate use disorder. Most babies born exposed to methadone have withdrawals and the hospital has medications to help the baby stay comfortable and manage withdrawal symptoms. If you stop using opiates suddenly you could miscarry, therefore it’s important to enter treatment if you are using illicit opiates or continue your medication-assisted treatment if you were in treatment when you became pregnant.

What if I want to taper off methadone?
Tapering is not recommend while you are pregnant, but you can always talk the medical staff at your treatment center about this issue. Being pregnant can be a very exciting and wonderful experience, but it can also be very stressful and scary. Tapering can add to that stress and some people have urges to use when they taper, even when they aren’t pregnant. Many pregnant patients feel it’s not worth the chance of relapsing, feeling withdrawals, and possibly miscarriage, so they decide to discuss tapering options after they give birth.

What about my dose…should I try to stay below a certain amount?

The most important thing to think about is how are you feeling physically. It’s important to take a dose of methadone that will keep you from having withdrawals or cravings for 24 hours (we call this a therapeutic level of methadone). When you first begin methadone treatment it may take a bit of time before you reach a therapeutic level. There is no certain number of milligrams you should try to stay below. There is no clear evidence that if you stay below a certain level of methadone will guarantee your infant will not have withdrawal symptoms.

Because of the changes in your body during pregnancy, it’s not uncommon for women to need an increase in their methadone during the third trimester. With that said, you can most likely return to your pre-pregnancy dose after you deliver.

http://www.methadoneandpregnancy.com/?page_id=21#1

Explaining this too people who might judge me for being on methadone or tell me to stop seems to have helped and I hope it helps you also. Its also important to remember that some people minds can't be change as they rather stay close minded and set in their ways so dont let people opinions affect you too much. I know its hard I'm still having problems with this.

Charmed

Addicted To Caffeine!!

Ya that's me. I'm 100% addicted to caffeine. It first started with Pepsi (I drink it everyday) and an energy drink here and there when I needed the energy for school or work. Then starting about a year and a half ago I was drinking one almost everyday. I drink one to get up and stay up for an early class (early to me, I'm a night person). The first class of the day is always the hardest on me. And I drank another one to stay up for work on weekends. I worked either the 7:30 to 4:00 shift or the 4:00 to 12:30. I didn't think I could stop because I was just to busy and always tired which is probably due in part to the low iron in my blood, the not eating well and my methadone. Thankfully ever since I moved with my hubby he has been cooking these amazing meals with veggies almost every night and also the yogurt and fruit snacks he makes me during the day have really been helping give me energy. Although I find I still don't get enough sleep which doesn't help. Now since being pregnant I've looked into caffeine consumption and found out that I shouldn't be consuming more then 200 mg a day while pregnant which I've been making sure to do. Sadly being pregnant has made me even more tired so I do need my caffeine to get through my busy days. I'm proud of how much I cut down but I feel like it's still not enough. Its not really the pop that's has me worried but the energy drink (135mg of caffeine) because of all the other crap that's in it. So far I'm doing really good staying away from that stuff while pregnant but I giving up my Pepsi isn't happening as selfish as that might sound to some people I really can't deal with the headache when I don't drink any.

Yours truly Charmed

Addiction Recovery Reflections

Bearing it all out there, flaws and all for everyone to see, as my first step to changing and growing and this started all because of that one special person in my life that I want to make feel love and worth it beyond what mere words can express. You make me want to be a better person.

One Must Know In Order to Grow,

In Order to Grow One Must Know.

I've known for a while now that I have a couple major flaws that affect many areas of my life but most of all my close relationships. I'm very stubborn, I have a hard time taking blame or responsibility and I assume things which end up hurting me. I know this is brought on by deep emotional insecurities of not being good enough. I assume that people think the worst because that's how I see myself and I can't take blame because that will somehow make me less. I've been trying to change the way I see myself and value myself more so that I might be able to be confident enough to take responsibility and not to assume the worst. This really trying to change only came about recently when I fell in love with someone just as stubborn as me. This makes arguments very, very intense but so is our love for each other and that's the reason why I want to change instead of giving up. In the past I've been in relationships with men who eventually learnt to let me win arguments so I've never had reason to change. It’s extremely hard for me to own up to something especially when I feel like the other person played their part in it also. Part of this is because of my trust issues and feel like if I give in that maybe I'm being manipulated. I feel like they’re the reason I felt and acted that way and that's what makes it difficult for me to own up to it. I know that way of thinking is part of the problem and instead of thinking that way I need to start accepting the fact that although their actions caused me to feel a certain way it wasn't their intention to make me feel that way. I need to accept that fact and own up to over reacting or taking it the wrong way. But what would be even better would be to prevent the whole situation by simply not assuming or jumping to conclusions. I need to ask questions and get clarification in a calm manner and maybe avoid the argument in the first place. I know that this is the quick fix and still doesn't address the cause of the issue in the first place which would be my insecurity that I'm not good enough. This is a slow process for me and won’t be done overnight because this insecurity is rooted deep in me and I'm hypersensitive to the words and actions of the ones I care about. I need to find a way to get to the root cause of all this and decide what to do to change it. In order to grow one must first know.

Sincerely Charmed

Stressing About Money

Being a student isn't easy, now add to that the stresses about money and it can really take focus away from my schooling. Around the end of the school year is when I tend to run out of my student loans and bills start pilling up, also moving didn't help the money situation. I do work one shift on weekends but that's definitely not enough and working more would impact my performance at school. So I decided to start selling healing trees that I make myself on ebay to help pay bills and not to mention that  doing these trees really helps relieve stress and worry, its good for my recovery and to center myself again. I was really depending on this because I'm way pass the point of running out of money, I have no money and about 1000$ in bills. I know right, total freak out mode here, and finals are just around the corner. So when I finally sold my first tree on eBay for 50$ I was all like YES!! a bit of money coming in. Oh but no, that's not how it went down. When I tried transferring the money from Paypal account to my bank, I did the opposite, so from my bank to my Paypal. Thing is I have no money in my bank, so guess what? That's a 45$ charge on my bank account for it bouncing and as hard as I tried I couldn't cancel the transfer when I realized what had happen. The bank said we can try and put stop payment on it but its going to cost you 15$ and we can't guarantee it wont bounce. GREAT! So your telling me you want 15$ that I don't have and you cant even guarantee I wont get charged another 45$ for a bounced payment. Well NO thank you! So what do I do? I call PayPal and they said no sorry nothing we can do once the authorization is sent. Just Perfect. They end up telling me to transfer the money for the tree to my bank and maybe it will be in my bank in time so it doesn't bounce. So I did, I was desperate but ya you probably guess it, the money didn't make it in time so I was charged 45$. That means the money I made from my tree covered the bounce fee and I'm still broke. So the time spent doing the tree and the cost of supplies was out of my own pocket. At that point I disappointed but determined to do something to sell some of my trees. I decided to post my trees on Facebook and on a buy and sell site but I still haven't had any luck. I'm still hoping my luck turns around and something good happens soon. Wish my luck and if you want to take a look at my healing trees on ebay here's the link: HEALING TREES

Thanks,
Charmed

Is It Rape ??

This has to be one of the hardest things I've ever written about. I don't even talk about this to the people closest to me but I’m letting it be known so that others girls might not feel as alone. Too many women that are raped under the age of 18 feel that's it’s their fault so they never report it. According to Wikipedia, a research that was done in 65 countries shows police reporting more then 250 000 cases of rape or attempted rape annually. Astounding number isn't it?  What’s even more astounding is most rapes aren't even reported. Doubt in ourselves is so damaging especially when it comes to rape. I should know I still doubt myself to this very day, believing I should of done more to stop it, or I asked for it, or I put myself in that situation so it’s my fault. Sadly we were raised to believe this because that's exactly what society wants us to believe. But even knowing all this a part of me still holds on to that doubt, although less than before.

At 14 years old I went to a New Years Eve party with my best friend and her much older boyfriend who drove us to the party at his best friend’s house out of town. It wasn't really a party though, only 5 people including me, my best friend, her boyfriend, his best friend and his best friends’ girlfriend. Now did you get that, it’s kind of confusing. Anyways we were meant to spend the night since her boyfriend would be drinking. And yes he was of age. Needless to say my bestie and I drank; it was New Years Eve after all. Being 14 I hadn't drank that often, I hadn't even done drugs yet, well besides weed. They had even made jello shooters for us so the booze, we weren't use to, would go down easier. When I eventually started getting really drunk they showed me to the room I'd be staying in for the night to let me sleep it off and let me tell you, I passed out pretty fast. I was knocked out until in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping someone sneaked into the room. His best friend, the guy who's house we were at, had left his girlfriends side to come sneak into my room. Scared shitless and half asleep from the booze I never said a word while he got on top of me and did his thing. When he was finally done he left to go back to his girlfriend who was fast asleep in another room. I think that in his head he really thought I wanted him because he kept saying something like "is it good". I don't know what the hell he was thinking to be honest. He was more than 15 years older than me, and I was only 14 so whatever he was thinking is irrelevant. I was just so scared that no one would believe me that I never said anything to anyone for years and years.

I'm not sure how much this event has changed me and my life but I know it had its effects on me. I thought for years that all guys just wanted sex and if I wanted them to like me I had to sleep with them. After that I started acting out more, doing harder drugs and sleeping around. I don't know if this event caused those things to happen or if it pushed me into that direction. Despite this happening I enjoy sex today. I guess in some way I've healed and I've moved on. I'm not having sex for them anymore I have sex for me now. I don't sleep around either; I keep that for my people I get a serious connection with.

Even though I've healed, for the most part anyways, I've never thought of reporting it. It just isn't the right decision for me and it wasn’t required for my healing process. I've moved on and I don't want people in my hometown to know what happened, or worst what if they don't believe me and shame me. This makes me glad to this day that I didn't report it because of how much worst things could have been if I had. This is the world we live in and something needs to change. No matter what I still have this doubt deep down that I've never been able to get rid of, probably because of how society chooses to look at rape. I’ve heard so many girls blaming other girls for rape or not believing them which is really sad because we need to support each other and stop denying that this could happen to someone we know. I'm hoping that by sharing this with you that girls who feel alone because of how our society is will find some comfort knowing they are not alone. Dealing with an assault and not reporting it can make you feel very alone but know that you are not alone. And even if you decide not to report it to the police, you should tell someone you trust completely, it really does help.

Sincerely Charmed

Detachment Guilt Sucks

Sometimes you just got to do what’s right for you. Ya not as easy as it sounds. I've been feeling guilty as hell ever since I avoided my best friend’s calls. I never answer unknown numbers and even then I rather text then talk on the phone.  Now the one time I do pick up it ends up being my best friend who I hadn't talked to in forever. I had kind of detached myself from her ever since I realized how bad the addiction was. It’s hard for me to see her like this, knowing all too well the lifestyle. That the lying and manipulating goes hand in hand with addiction. I believe myself to be strong in my recovery but I don't want to tempt fate. We have a lot of good memories partying together and that scares me. The good memories scare me. A lot of my recovery was supported by remembering the bad memories.

When I first answered I was still smiling but that quickly faded as I remembered her situation and her new picture on Facebook. She didn't look well to say the least. I knew right then before she said anything that she definitely wanted something and my stomach became all knotted. I'm the type of person who has a really hard time saying no, so I tend to avoid the situation all together. This means I tend to miss out on a lot. Yes it’s definitely something I'm working on. She first asked me if she could come spend the night which probably meant she had no where to stay, although she never actually said that. I wasn't even aware that her situation was that bad. I told her I had school the next day and that my boyfriend worked. But she insisted she was tired and she just wanted to sleep. So out of a moment of weakness I said I’d ask my boyfriend once he got back from the store and she said she would call back. 

In the middle of all this she slipped in a little fact she forgot to mention at the beginning about her boyfriend coming with her. A man I've never met. Needless to say I didn't answer when she called back and I felt terrible about it. But I was in the middle of studying for my finals and I wasn't leaving her and a strange man in my home alone. I doubted very much that they would wake up and leave the following morning when my boyfriend and I left for work and school. I know better than to leave a full blown addict unsupervised in my home. I was an addict I know all too well how terribly wrong this stay over could of went. And probably because I was an addict I was even more fearful and cautious about the whole thing. I know all too well what we are capable of and just how terrible things could have been. But this still doesn't stop the guilt and that what ifs.

Charmed

Some Roommates Should Come with a Warning Label

Warning Label:

I don't do dishes.

I don't take out the garbage

I steal your toilet paper & soap

I dont hang up towels

I steal all the spoons.

I don't sweep, mop or any cleaning actually

My landlord rents out the 3 rooms in her basement apartment and the other two rooms were empty since the beginning of the summer until she found a guy who wanted one of the rooms. He moved in at the beginning of July and hasn't cleaned anything since he moved in or hasn't taken any of the garbage out. I've had to constantly clean after him, on top of having him leave cigarette butts in the sink with the dishes he doesn't clean after himself in the bathroom. Finding stains and shaved hairs in the toilet or the tub filled up with dirty water is not what I signed up for. If that wasn't annoying enough he uses my supplies, toilet paper etc. Not to mention I'm not working at the moment and he's suppose to be so he should pay for his own supplies. I'm broke enough as it is. I've told him twice to simply put the toilet seat down and he can't even do that. And last night I got all the garbage ready hoping he would take them out but noooo, they were still there in the kitchen this morning so now we have to wait till next week for garbage day. I'm just so annoyed I'm really thinking about moving out but I can't even look at other places right now because the internet that's included in my rent isn't working and the landlords gone so she can't fix it. I don't want to keep putting up with this. I have enough to deal with without having to clean up after a grown man. That's all I can say for now since I'm using my phone's internet and its costing me too much.

Charmed

Sharing Past Addictions With New People

Relationships and making new friends usually requires us to share things about ourselves, and I believe that sharing our past is often the fastest way to get closer to someone. Although sharing our past isn't always necessary and some people manage without sharing, its still an important part of a relationship, specially if our past plays an important part in our present. I know from experience that it isn't always easy to share a past that was difficult but its probably the more reason to share it with the people you want to be close to.

Being that I'm a recovering addict, its not hard to imagine that I've dealt with this issue before and I'm assuming more recovering addicts out there have dealt with this too. Its funny how I don't have a problem talking about it on my blog or going on the radio to go talk about it (I went on CBC radio this week) but that's mostly because I'm somewhat anonymous. People don't know who I am and I don't know who they are. I'm guessing it all has to do with rejection and how being anonymous lessens that possibility. Its different when we fear rejection from someone we've actually started to care about.

Since I've already realized that its important to share my past addictions if I want to be closer with the person I've moved on to different types of questions. For example; Should I tell them right away or is it OK to wait? How long can I wait after meeting someone before mentioning my past ? Its still difficult to start the conversation and find the appropriate time but now I'm also trying to figure out if I have to tell them right away. I imagine I don't have to say anything right away but how much time do I have.

I guess it really depends on the depth of the relationship, how close we are and how close I want us to be. For me I usually tell a person once I trust them but what I'm worried about is waiting so long that the person asks why I didn't tell them sooner. What it really comes down to is being able to trust and being able to let people get close to us. Trusting the person will understand and not reject us because of our past. For me, this probably stems from the belief that I should be rejected for what I did. I don't know if this applies to anyone else but if it does accepting ourselves would be the first step in making it easier to talk about our past.

What I'm trying to say is we should accept ourselves and believe the people in our lives will do the same. Trust in ourselves and our judgement of people. People are more reasonable then we give them credit for and if they don't accept us and our past then we should be glad we found out who our true friends are. Remembering the people in our lives that already know our story and have accepted us can bring us strength when telling a new friend. Once we tell one person and realize that they still accept us will make telling the next person a little easier.

Charmed

Job Hunting

Since losing my job on June 29th I've been actively looking for a job for the past 2 weeks. The first week I mostly sent resumes online and got a couple interviews that way but with out any luck. So this week I decided to go print out some resumes and drop them off around where I live since I don't have a car and the bus cost money. I haven't had any call backs yet, but I'm hoping I get some as soon as possible this week so I can get the interviews done before I leave to go camping on Thursday, since Ill be gone until Wednesday. Although getting a job is really important to me right now, I just cant miss this camping trip. I've been looking forward to doing the annual camping trip with my mom again ever since I left for college 3 years ago. And this camping trip has been planned for over two months now. Hopefully my cell still works where I'm going camping in case I get a call for a job.

I also made an appointment for Tuesday with someone to help me find a job but I realized afterwards that he is probably not going to want to do anything until I get back from camping. I believe he is going to want to wait because that's exactly what he did when I went and seen him around exam time in April. And then what happened was we kept missing each others calls and leaving each other messages until I just ended finding a job with out him. Hopefully this time he is more helpful and helps me during our appointment instead of rescheduling for when I get back. Although I do understand him maybe wanting to wait, he could still send me to places on Wednesday with my resume. But then again I wont be able to interview until I get back so it might be pointless. As long as our appointment is productive Ill be happy. Maybe he can get a sense of what kind of job I'm looking for and I'm qualified for so that while I'm gone he can find some good places for me to apply at when I get back.

I'm just hoping this week isn't a waste of time on getting closer to finding a job specially since I could be at my moms taking care of my brother and spending time with him while my moms out of town helping my aunt move. I would rather be helping my mom then worrying about finding a job. But after thinking about it I realized that getting a job as soon as possible would mean my mom wouldn't have to keep helping me with money and worrying about me as much. I just want to do the right thing, it was such a difficult decision. Id like to start working as soon as I get back since I really need the money and theirs only going to be 1 month left before I go back to school and cut down my hours to only 1 shift or 2 a week. At this point Id take pretty much any job I can find.

Charmed

Another Day, Another Problem

A case of bad luck has got me pretty bummed out. Every summer since I left for college I usually go on social assistance since my school loans are only for the school year. But the last two summers I've gotten jobs with good hours so I never stayed on it very long. This summer was different the job I got only gave me 11 hours a week so I had to stay on social assistance for help while I looked for another job.

This Friday I found out my social assistance worker didn't give me the amount of money I was suppose to get which means I'm getting less money working then just being on social assistance which is really discouraging. Just finding out I cant pay my phone bill or my rent or even food has me pretty stressed out. Especially since my usually understanding landlady told me a couple of days ago that her farther was sick so she really needed the rent on the first.

Oh but that's not all, yesterday morning my job calls me very early when they know I worked until midnight the night before and tell me, and I quote: We wont be needing your services anymore. So now I'm fired for no apparent reason but at lease I had been warned by past workers and current workers that they fire people all the time for no reason before people reach the 3 month mark. Although that did nothing to make me feel better or make it any easier. And as shallow as this might sound my prides a little hurt cause I know I'm a good worker.

On a better note and some twisted part of fate at lease I had already been looking for another job. I needed more then 11 hours so I had been handing out resume these past two weeks. I'm thinking that maybe some part of me took the warning seriously that they fired people a lot and was getting ready for it. So thankfully I had already 2 interviews planned for this Tuesday (since its a long weekend and Monday is Canada Day) and hopefully I get hired but even if I do, I'm still not going to get a pay check for 2 to 3 weeks after the day I start working which might not be right away. Its so hard to stay positive but I'm trying.

Remembering a little good news I got this week helps change my mind. I got my first check sent in the mail from eBay for the ads I have on my blog. Its my first check since starting my blog in December 2012 and its only 30 cents, since its a pay per click thing, but I plan on framing it and putting it on my wall. I want it to be a reminder to keep doing what I love, and that maybe one day my writing might pay off and that hopefully Ill be a success in my field of psychology. I really need something good like that to happen I don't want to keep living like this and even though I know my mom would help me with whatever she could, she also doesn't have much money and I want to be the one helping her for a change. I don't like taking money from her because I know she needs it. I want to be an adult who can financially support herself and its embarrassing to still need my mom to help me financially. I want to take care of her and I swear one day I will.

Another thing that made me happy and changed my mind off the fact that I'm broke and fired was that I finally got my first fire of the summer last night. Its was so beautiful and I think I appreciated it all the more because I had been waiting 2 months for a fire. It took so long since these last 3~4 weeks it had either been raining or I've been working and before that we needed to get fire wood which took my boyfriend about 3 weeks to do. After we burnt the little amount of wood we had the fire had been burning almost an hour and I had made a few roasted marshmallows by then. We also talked about going to watch the fireworks for Canada Day on Monday which I'm really looking forward to. Long weekends are great so I'm going to try and concentrate on that instead of my problems and hope every thing works itself out this week.

Have a Great Weekend Everyone!

Charmed

Don't Worry I Didn't Relapse

Oh ya, that's me pulling a disappearing act for almost a full month. Sorry about that. I could say summer has kept me busy but in all honesty I just couldn't get inspired. I guess I got my first taste of writers block. 

You know, I just got to that point where I felt like I'd just be repeating myself if I tried to write. So I sat back and thought about my content. So far I've written about events in my past and about certain issues that were important in my life such as fear of change or finding happiness but the one thing I didn't write about very often was about the here and now which is kind of funny since that's what I first intended to do when I started my blog. So it made me want to start writing about my days that way I can avoid well somewhat repeating myself.

Here it is. 
Today, I went to town to get my methadone for the week and got some other stuff at the pharmacy... lol... woman stuff, that's all I'm saying. While I was walking back home in the occasional rain I noticed it was around the time my boyfriend (for about 2 and a half year) got off work so I sent him a text asking him where he was so we could meet up for a couple of minutes since I know he usually gets dropped off down town.

On my way to meet him I past the grocery and thought well a bacon tomato sandwich would be good tonight  so naturally I changed course and  headed in to the store, getting me some bacon and two hot house tomatoes (it was all very delicious by the way). My boy friend met up with me and on our way out of the grocery store I say I'm so hungry I want something right now to get some energy to walk home since I hadn't eaten yet today. And voila a stop at the hot dog stand and some fresh squeezed lemonade with a squirt of cherry later and we're on our way home.

Can you see how easily I can be diverted sometimes, my mind jumps from on thing to another. Nothings ever really planned, it just happens, which is exactly how I like it. Well besides the important stuff like money and work/school.

Now before we parted ways to each go home we made some half plans about maybe him coming over after he showered. But he ended up not coming since he was tired and his feet hurt which was kind of disappointing because I'm always the one going over to his place, like every weekend which is getting very unpractical.

We have already lived together at the very beginning of our relationship but that didn't work out so well for us. So as unpractical as it is we have to make it work some how if we want to see each other. Which is why I told him that for the next little bit he will have to come to my place if he wanted to see me. That way I can get the break from the back and forth between his place and mine. Time I'll have to think about what to do next.

"If we don't see each other moving in together which would be the next logical step, specially since I'd like to get married one day and have a kid, what are we suppose to do next." That's the exact thought that's been in my head tonight and well, to be honest, on a lot of nights recently. I know its hasn't even been 3 years yet but when I mention future plans all he says is I don't think about stuff like that or the future. I should take this as a bad sign, right?

We already did the living together, getting pregnant and being told he wanted no part of it which was one of the big reasons I got an abortion which still hurts me to this day (I've spent many, many nights tossing and turning over not keeping it and simply mentioning it took a lot of courage). But I made the decision and now I'm accepting it with the firm determination that it will never happen again.

But it still comes down to "So what happens next?"

I care for him deeply but some part of me knows its probably not meant to be but that does nothing to help me decide and commit to what comes next.

And that's how I'm spent my day.

Charmed

Being a People Pleaser Leads to Addiction??

Being a people pleaser comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. I used to think that I wasn't a people pleaser because I didn't please people all the time but I just recently realized that theirs a lot more to it than that.

What's a People Pleaser

It's about worrying what others think and watching what you do all the time so you don't offend anyone. It's also avoiding situations where you might want to say no because you don't feel comfortable saying no. It's about feeling bad and replaying a conflict you had with someone over and over in your head. It's also about doing things that we really don't want to do just because we know if we didn't it might upset someone. Not being able to take criticism or being hurt easily is another sign that you might be a people pleaser.

All these situations are based in some way or another on wanting to please people. So I came to realize that just because I don't feel like I'm always pleasing people doesn't mean I'm not a self-destructive people pleaser. Worrying or simply thinking that you don't always please people can be another sign that your a people pleaser. 

Is Being a People Pleaser a Bad Thing

Some people might say being a people pleaser is a good thing because you're selfless. Or some would even say that you couldn't possibly be a people pleaser because you didn't care when you were addicted. You definitely didn't try to please anyone while you were doing anything to get your next fix.

Well let me assure those people that being a people pleaser never goes away even during addiction. It's just numb during that time and for me this was one of the reason why I wanted to stay high. I just couldn't deal with all the displeasing I had done while high and it was easier to just stay high. Getting high was a relief because I could be who I wanted and do what I wanted without worrying about what others thought.

To those who think that being that being a people pleaser is a good thing because its selfless let me assure you that it isn't. We will go to any limits to please someone even to the detriment of our own happiness and safety. We aren't strong enough to have boundaries and in my case this led me to trying drugs and getting addicted. Nothing good about that. Being a people pleaser played an important part in the reason I got addicted and I imagine this to be the case for many addicts.

Why Do People Worry About Pleasing

I always doubted that this might be from a lack of confidence but I thought that because I was popular, I socialized a lot and make friends easy that I didn't really have a lack of self confidence. Its only recently that I've truly come to accept that I lacked self confidence. I always knew it on some level but never truly accepted it until now.

Self-confidence issues can be hidden very well and it's different from person to person. I always had this image in my head that having a lack of self-confidence had to mean that I was shy, didn't like my appearance or didn't have many friends. Even thought I didn't think I was any of those things I realized I really didn't like displeasing people, not even a little bit. That's until I was too high to care.

As a teenager, I always wanted to please my friends, but I had a big mouth and would portray this tough girl persona so no one really suspected that I was a people pleaser or a pushover. And before it could even really become noticeable I was already addicted so being a people pleaser was put on the back burner.

Does Being a People Pleaser Lead to Addiction

Although being a people pleaser probably lead me to getting addicted. For example, I did coke for the first time to be accepted and please my father. I wanted to be closer to him so when he offered I took it. Also  I smoked weed to be accepted by friends. Isn't that the case for many addicts? Peer pressure. I think self confidence building workshops in high school should be mandatory.

Now that I'm sober being a people pleaser has become an issue again. I worry about what others think and I avoid situations where I might want to say no. I'm easily hurt by criticism and get very defensive. Not pleasing the ones I care about all the time hurts me and it makes me sad. I've also noticed that I do more to please certain people and not as much for the people I would like to do more for and deserve more. I'm missing out on a lot by being this way so I really want to take some steps to build some self-confidence and not be a self-destructive people pleaser anymore.

Some Tips to Find Balance:

On Wiki How they say to "Start small by finding something small to say "no" to, and say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it! You'll be surprised, the world will not collapse around your ears! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing." We can also ask for time to think about it that way we don't feel put on the spot and we actually have time to evaluate if we really should be doing what there asking.  It's easier with time and as we realize people can be reasonable towards our desires. Then we might be able to start to voicing our desires on other things besides saying  no.

Also do something for yourself that you really want but were afraid others might not like, I think we might exaggerate what other people's opinions would be. Chances are if they matter they will respect your decision. Wiki How says: "Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people's opinions are a factor in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor." Once we do something for ourselves it becomes easier to do a second and a third (like saying no).

Another important thing to do is examine our fears. Write it down and make a list. Are they realistic? Are they truly terrible? Try and determine the cause of these fears as well. We might be afraid that no one will like us, that someone will leave us, or that we will be left all alone if we don't say the right thing. Once the fears are laid out in front of us its becomes easier to realize they aren't realistic which is a step towards overcoming them.

Figure out ahead of time before people ask you for something what is acceptable to do for others and what is unacceptable? Being able to analyze this factor allows you to measure what can be done for others and what shouldn't be done for others in a much more objective manner. Wiki How says "Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries."

In Conclusion

Although these ideas are helpful I believe it doesn't address the root cause of the problem which is a lack of self-confidence. I'm working on another post dedicated to working on self-confidence and not worrying about pleasing people all the time. Finding that balance and not define our worth on what we do for others and what others think of us.

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Charmed

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.