Pregnant Drug Addicts Should be Treated like Criminals

According to Time.com a woman was charged last year after Tennessee lawmakers passed a bill that allows pregnant women to be criminally charged if drug use harms their babies. The bill says a pregnant woman may be prosecuted for an assaultive offense if her child is born addicted or harmed by the narcotic drug. She can even be charged with homicide if her baby dies because of her drug use. Sadly, this isn’t just happening in Tennessee, it’s also happening in Texas . This law needs to be nipped in the butt before it goes any further.

If a woman uses during her pregnancy she is to be charged and treated as a criminal for harming her baby. Yikes!! Now this isn't going to end well. Does anyone else see an increase in "garbage can babies" because I do? Pregnant drug addicts will refuse care for the fear of getting charged which will only cause the baby more harm. What about fetal alcohol syndrome. That doesn’t count? This law is doing nothing to help addicted mothers or their babies, but will probably increase abortion rates. Not to mention that any mother that gives birth to a child with a birth defect will be put under scrutiny.

My Birth Experience Being a Recovering Addict on Methadone

I've been so busy with my newborn baby boy that I haven't gotten the chance to post these last few Sundays. Although I thought about it I just couldn't seem to find the time. Any spare time I did get I just wanted to spend catching up on my sleep that I had definitely been lacking since that first week. The first week was the hardest with having to stay at the hospital with my little one, recovering from a c-section, and only getting about 3 hours of sleep a night, and not 3 consecutive hours either. Thankfully the joy and excitement at finally having my baby gave me the adrenaline to keep me going. It took a while for it to sink in, it didn't seem real at first but once I started realizing the magnitude of this new life in my arms I was in complete awe of him (and still am). He was born absolutely perfect.

My OB scheduled me in to get induced after I went overdue for a few reasons but it turned out unsuccessful. A couple hours after breaking my water and giving me the iv drip I still wasn't having any contractions. My OB who had been talking about having to send me for a c-section because of my pelvis being too small approached me again about going for a c-section saying I'd probably end up there anyways and the baby heart rate dropped a few times. I reluctantly agree. After hearing c-section horror stories I was kind of terrified but off I was to the operating room all by myself. I was disappointed they would only let one person in so my mom wasn't able to be there and they only let the father in after they had set me up with the spinal and had me on the operating table. I wasn't very happy about being alone for the spinal because it was one of the worst parts and when they finally started operating the freezing went up to my lungs which made breathing very hard. I started shaking, yawning and tearing up a lot during the whole thing but at least the freezing was good enough that I only felt some tugging and pressure. I'm also disappointed I didn't get to see him being born, at least the father got to stand up over the curtain and see it.

When I was admitted to the hospital they wanted me to give them all my methadone carries which I was very weary about because I didn't completely trust them not to screw up my dose somehow. I was admitted to the hospital for three days to recover from my c-section which really hurt the first week and only became somewhat bearable the second week. The baby however ended up staying at the hospital for a week so I was put in a room with him in the pediatrics department for the rest of the time he was at the hospital. That's when I find the whole experience became very frustrating and exhausting. I felt terrible the entire time thinking it was my fault my baby was there withdrawing from methadone and some nurses weren't pleasant to deal with at all. They just made the whole situation worst. One in particular kept scoring really high on the withdrawal so we had to stay longer for observation when I felt he wasn't as bad as she was making it out to be and it turned out I was right when a few other nurses examined him later on. She also pretty much took the baby out of my hands at one point when I was changing his diaper because he was crying. Being hormonal with no sleep I was really not having it I demanded not to have her as a nurse again and told the doctors exactly what I thought and we were released the next day.

While I was at the hospital it seemed very difficult but having my baby made me smile every day. Since coming home things got so much easier. My baby was finally sleeping longer periods and being in the comfort of my home without nurses hovering over me made all the difference. Looking back at the time in the hospital I still cherish every moment even though it wasn't what I wanted, it was still the birth of my baby and that's pretty freaking special :) I spent his first month off school for the holidays enjoying some baby cuddles and family.

Charmed

To My Addict Friend I Forgive You But I'm Still Letting You Go

I use to think that if I forgave someone it meant that Id have to let that person back into my life and pretend like nothing ever happened. In trying to avoid anymore disappointment and pain Id hold on to that grudge which in the end was just causing me more pain. I've come to realize that forgiving someone doesn't mean I have to allow them into my life again. Actually forgiving them means releasing them from my life completely because I wont be carrying that grudge with me. 

Not many people showed up for my baby shower because I haven't really kept in contact with anyone since leaving to go to university. Life just seemed to get in the way and because I focused all my energy on building a future for myself I ended up letting my social life slide away from me. Even one of my long time best friend who's also pregnant right now decided not to show up to my baby shower at the last minute. 

I thought her out of all people would of showed up and showed her support. Having kept in contact with her over the years despite her rocky path these past few years I was really counting on her to be there. I've distanced myself from her a few times in the past but I'd eventually forgive her thinking things had changed and try to get close again only to be disappointed. I feel like I've given her many chances because I used to be where she is and I understand her struggles. 

At one point I wasn't a good friend either, but O cant let that guilt keep holding me back. There comes a point where I need to just forgive and distance myself until she gets better and wants to be in my life. Even though I don't agree with her life at the moment I don't judge her for her choices. I just don't want to be part of it and end up being disappointed again.

It really makes me sad because being my childhood best friend and one of the only friends I've kept it contact with I was really looking forward to play dates and being first time mommy's together. Our babies being due only a couple months a part it really would of been something special to share with her. I can only hope that things get better for her soon and that she reaches out to me when they do.

Charmed

Dealing with Stress and Addiction Triggers

Being a recovering addict I don't handle stressful situations the same way as most people would. I feel everything so much more deeply and have always had a difficult time dealing with these feelings adequately (which is probably a major reason why I started using drugs in the first place).

Since being in recovery I have this need to be in control of everything in my life or at the very least know what's going on because being in control and having a plan is how I was able to get clean and stay that way. Now if I'm not in control or at least know whats going on I'll stress over it for hours on end. I like having a game plan when it comes to emotional changes and situations in my life. I need it to mentally prepare and stay emotionally stable. Not having or not knowing the plan for these major changes triggers stress and worry beyond belief for me.

It keeps me up at night, especially in this situation with the baby due in 9 weeks and having nothing ready. That's a pretty big emotional and important change coming up in my life and telling me "I'll take care of it" does nothing to sooth my anxiety. I need to be involved and know whats going on.

I started stressing out and worrying about getting everything ready for the baby this week but it was kept somewhat under control because we had been planning on waiting for my baby shower to know what I was getting before we started buying anything. I was a little disappointed by how little people showed up to my baby shower and by the small amount of stuff I got. I do appreciate what I got though and I'm grateful for the people who did show up but I'm still missing all the big items and so much of the smaller items, that I'm freaking out all over again.

The logical part of me knows its not that bad. We got enough money to buy a crib and maybe even a dresser, plus my mom's giving me her rocking chair so nursery furniture is taken care of. My cousin who planned the baby shower and my aunt gave me a huge baby basket with a lot of useful stuff. My cousin also gave me some stuff she already had like a newborn car seat, swing and baby tub. I also got a baby seat that vibrates and can be used to feed baby in, with a few pieces of different size clothes from the other people who attended.

I'm suppose to also get a stroller, a basinet, a playpen and some other stuff from my family out of town but I have no idea when or if it will happen and that what worries me. Not knowing exactly what else I'm getting and not having everything I need here with me now is a big part of what's bothering me and that has everything to do with needing to be in control.

On top of all that I don't really know all the things that I need for the baby and how I'm going to afford it. I don't feel prepared but I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions and try to relax. I'm working on just having faith that everything will turn out fine. Writing about it here really helps. And maybe you guys can comment and let me know some essential stuff I might need during the first few months so I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost.

I know I'm going to need more newborn clothes, diapers, breast pump, bottles, bottle brush, infant detergent, baby carrier, burp cloths, blankets, toys etc. Let me know what you needed in the first few months. Thanks.

Charmed

I Need To Get My Shit Together

For the past week, I haven't been doing much of anything except sleeping and its starting to really get to me. I remember this feeling of being tired all the time when I first started my recovery and it was pretty bad, but not as bad as this. I'm literally sleeping anywhere from 15 to 18 hours a day. I'm sure being pregnant is playing a big part in me being tired and I haven't been eating the best lately either. I don't have the time or the energy to make anything to eat so I end up eating take out, and let me tell you I'm getting sick of take out. The place is a mess, we have no more clean dishes, and the bathroom and floors really need to be cleaned. I just don't know where to start. I don't even have the energy to argue with my hubby about him lending a hand. I've tried that many times and it rarely works.

I might be this tired because I haven't been taking my maternal vitamins for a month or so. If I don't see them I forget to take them (out of sight, out of mind). I couldn't find them since I got back from camping in July. Funny thing is they were right on my dresser behind some other bottles the whole time. Today's the third day since I've started taking them again and I'm hoping they fix the problem. I don't know how long I have to wait for them to start working but if I don't see an improvement by this Friday I'll be contacting my Obgyn. Another possibility might be the rapid weight gain this month. When I went to the OB this week I found out I had gained 8 pounds in the last month which is a lot compare to the 5 pounds that I had gained in the first 5 months of my pregnancy. This might also be why I'm so sore lately too. Back, legs and stomach pain, plus headaches, nausia and heartburn. All part of being pregnant.

Besides cleaning that badly needs to get done I have some important things I need to do before school starts next week and I just can't seem to find the energy to get around to it. I'm really scared that I'm still going to be this tired once school starts. What am I going to do? Has anyone else every dealt with being tired either in recovery or because of pregnancy ? If so please let me know how you got over it. I don't think I can take it much longer, so much needs to get done. I'll try and make a list tomorrow and deal with one thing on the list at a time. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm happy I've been able to keep up with my blogging at least because that's one thing that definitely makes me happy and soothes me. It be a total dream if I could eventually become a full time blogger.

Charmed

Childhood Trauma Surfacing Now That I'm Expecting

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I've been saying its a boy. I knew I'd be happy either way but some part of me was relieved to find out it was a boy. I wasn't consciously aware at first that I had a fear of having a little girl but when trying to figure out why I was so determined to have a boy it started making more and more sense. Girls in our society are so vulnerable, or at least that's what my experience has taught me. Life has taught me that physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse, is all part of being a girl. Right?

Why would I want that for my child. I know that's not how its suppose to be and that abuse might not be the case for some girls but I did fear on some unconscious level that having a girl would mean having a vulnerable child that bad things might happen too. This isn't entirely logical, bad things can happen to anyone, but fear is rarely logical.

This all comes from some abuse that I endured as a small child at the hands of older male relatives, granted they weren't that much older. The oldest wasn't even 5 years older me, but being 4 to 6 years old at the time, it does make a big difference. This is something I never ever talk about but I've been trying to be more open with you guys in my writing lately. This abuse happened with 3 different male relatives, more then once, but it had been blocked out until recently. I remembered bits and pieces but having tried so hard to forget I only recently started remembering most of it.

Now that I'm about to have a child of my own, these experiences have come back to haunt me. I'm relieved to know I'm having a boy but that doesn't mean I'm not still worried. I want to make sure I'm open with him and explain boundaries to him. What's right and what's wrong. I want him to know he can come to me with anything, no subject is too taboo. I can't keep living in fear and shelter him for the rest of his life. So as scary and as uncomfortable as it might be I'll make it a priority of mine to keep an open line of communication with him starting at a young age. I want to teach him how to keep himself safe and respect others bodies and personal space. Something more parents should be doing. 

You never know, maybe if those relatives had been educated in whats right and wrong with other peoples bodies than maybe that abuse never would of happened. We can't keep silent in hopes that our child will figure it out on their own. We need to talk to them. I know children will be curious and want to explore their bodies but they need to know that other peoples bodies are off limits and to respect everyones space.

I'm not exactly sure how much this abuse has affected my psyche but I'm sure it had a definite impact on my relationships and the way I experience intimacy. It might of even played a part in my addiction. The topic still makes me feel uncomfortable today but it needs to be talked about and we need to educate our young. I know I'm not alone in this and to the people out there who this has happened to please know you are not alone and we can make a difference if we talk about it.

Love Charmed

5 Ways to Take Care of Your Pregnant Wife

I thought this was perfect for what I'm going through with my

 pregnancy a little help makes a big difference. I hope you all 

enjoy this post and find it as useful as I did.

5 Ways to Take Care of Your Pregnant Wife by Daphne Holmes.  

She is a writer from http://www.arrestrecords.com and 

you can reach her at daphneholmes9@gmail.com.

5 Ways to Take Care of Your Pregnant Wife

Although it can be difficult to put yourself in her shoes, supporting your wife during pregnancy is part of your responsibility as a partner and mate.  And while you probably mean well, there is understandable confusion surrounding pregnancy and childbirth, especially for fathers furnishing support throughout the process.  First time moms and dads are particularly naïve to the trials of pregnancy and child-rearing, so you may find yourself learning lessons alongside your wife, as she struggles to make sense of never before seen changes and challenges.

There is no precise blueprint available defining how pregnancy will impact expectant mothers and their families, so thinking on your feet is part of the experience. There are, however, proven approaches to help dads support the pregnant women in their lives.

Become a Resource

Questions and considerations swirling around pregnancy can be overwhelming for expectant mothers, especially those who have never been through pregnancy and childbirth.  To pick up the slack where it's most needed, supportive husbands take their roles seriously, by learning as much about the process as possible and staying informed about their wives pregnancies. That way, they are at-the-ready with answers to questions their wives may have, and are dedicated to doing the research to provide reassurance when issues arise.  Learning together, from books and online resources, helps distract moms-to-be and reinforces each family member's stake in the health and well-being of mother and child.

Fill the Correct Roles

Women are specialists in particular areas, so men compliment their needs during pregnancy and beyond.  To furnish the highest level of support possible, take-on tasks outside your wife's abilities and communicate with her to learn her precise needs.  By filling-in exactly where she needs you, the stage is set for her to focus on the unique challenges of pregnancy and childbirth.  You may find yourself in unfamiliar territory, assuming jobs once held by your wife, but a united front is the most effective approach, despite the temporary shake-up of family roles.

Participate in Prenatal Care

Active participation with the medical aspects of pregnancy and childbirth illustrates husbands' commitments to their wives' well-being and adds back-up to ensure doctors' orders are followed.  To stay informed, accompany your wife to her medical appointments, and participate in the dialog with doctors.  In addition to addressing your own questions, taking part in the process sheds light on issues your wife may not anticipate.  Working together, you'll develop a shared understanding about the experience and devise mutual strategies for overcoming pregnancy hurdles.

Accommodate Morning Sickness

One of the more miserable wild-cards tied to pregnancy is morning sickness, which impacts a significant share of pregnant women.  And despite its name, symptoms are not limited to a particular time of day.  Commonly experienced from the first through fourteenth weeks of pregnancy, the malady carries-on much longer for some pregnant sufferers.  Headaches, nausea, sleepiness and vomiting are common symptoms, which vary in intensity across women encountering morning sickness. To help your wife overcome morning sickness, adopt a flexible approach, responding to illness as it shows itself.  Be prepared to pick-up tasks for your wife as she becomes tired or sick, and keep common remedies on hand to alleviate her symptoms.

Remain Positive

Women experience hormonal shifts and physical changes during pregnancy, leaving them unsure about their feelings, at times.  Your positive attitude is the perfect prescription for mental and emotional fitness, drawing your wife's thinking away from negative cycles sometimes associated with pregnancy.  Encourage your wife during pregnancy, even when she is off her game. The positive spin might be enough to mitigate despair, so never underestimate the impact of a supportive approach.  Women also suffer with body image perception issues during pregnancy, as they experience physical changes and gain weight along the way.  To protect her self-image, be sure to compliment your wife and call attention to her physical beauty.  Though your wife may not feel attractive, your praise and encouragement keep her from feeling alone during pregnancy. Although child-bearing may seem outside your area of expertise, it is important to support your wife as she carries your child.  By tuning-in to her particular needs, and filling them precisely, you'll enable your wife to focus on the unique challenges of pregnancy without succumbing to stress and anxiety.

Author:

Daphne Holmes contributed this guest post. She is a writer from http://www.arrestrecords.com and you can reach her at daphneholmes9@gmail.com.

Still Feeling the Effects of My Total Meltdown

I don't know why certain things affect me so much and pretty much cause me to have a meltdown/panic attack that last for hours. Some bad situations just rock me to the core. I've always known I'm a really sensitive person and being pregnant and all hormonal probably didn't help but some of the things people do just really get to me.

One minute I'm super excited listening to tunes while waiting for my hubby to get home from work so we can go do some grocery shopping in our new car that we just put on the road today. This meant I'd get to practice my driving for my full licence that I plan on going for at the end of the month. AND THEN I get a text from my boss saying I've gotten complaints from customers and workers that your not working as good as you use to so take this week to relax and you will have back your normal hours next week.

LIKE SERIOUSLY WTF!! Of course I'm not as good as I use to be I'm 6 month pregnant, hello!! I was their best employee for god knows how long and they only one they trusted to open the store on weekends and this is how they treat me. I have 3 weeks left with them until I leave due to my pregnancy and I told them, many times now, that I needed as many hours as possible before I leave. Raising a baby isn't cheap!

Extremely hurt, I proceeded to ask her what I had done wrong so I could fix it and she didn't want to tell me until I came in to pick up my check on Friday. AGAIN WTF! So you tell me something like that and then decide to not tell me what really wrong, so I can then worry about it for days and have my mind think of all the worst possible scenarios. NOT FUCKING COOL! Pardon my language. But she does know I'm pregnant right, its kind of obvious at this point. I've been there longer then everyone beside the manager and one day staff. Why would she stress me out and do this to me when I only have 3 weeks left there.

I know for a fact that I'm a better worker then half the people there. I've been doing this job for over 4 years and I take pride in my work. I've been told by my bosses numerous times how much of a good job I'm doing but now that I'm pregnant they cant be a little understanding. My boss even told me 2 weeks ago I couldn't take the weekend off for my baby shower because she was getting married. That she needed me and that she only trusted me to open the store. So I had to cancel the day that worked best for me and everyone else for my baby shower because of her and now she does this.

How is all of this fair in anyway. I just don't get it. I cried over this pretty much all day.i even had a panic attack on the bathroom floor, home by myself worrying my ass off about money. I was angry, bitter and sad. I came so very close to texting her back and just saying you know what I quit. If you don't appreciate me and your going to pull this shit. I QUIT! But after thinking about it a lot I didn't because I really need the money. I was hoping Id be making money off my blog by now, but the ads aren't really selling much, and I guess I'm fine with that because that's not why I blog. Its just an added bonus. Anyways I decided to see what she had to say on Friday and if it still bothered me this much I was going to give her a piece of my mind and tell her I quit.

What do you guys think?

Sincerely Charmed

PS: I think this is the perfect opportunity to try and sell some of the healing trees I hand make with crystals that have natural healing properties on ebay again. Hopefully this time I actually sell some :)

PSS: I recently came across 2 blogs that have quickly become my Top Favorite Blogs. Great Post about Addiction, Recovery and everything in between by Amazing Supportive Individuals. If you like this blog then please go check them out, I guarantee you wont regret it.
The Secret Slayer
The Methadone Maze

Its Official, I'm Having a Boy!!

It feels like I've been waiting for this all year. I finally found out I'm having a baby boy Nov. 18, a lil Scorpio we decided to name Chase. My mom and hubby came to the ultrasound with me on Thursday. It was really amazing seeing my baby and how big he's getting. We all got to find out it was a boy at the same time when he finally uncrossed his legs and showed us his boy part. 

I had been telling everyone it was a little boy ever since I found out I was pregnant. Its like my intuition just knew but I would of been happy either way, I just want a healthy baby and so far everything looks good. I went to the OBGYN this afternoon an she said everything look really good. I gained 4-5 pounds total since the beginning of my pregnancy and I'm now 22 weeks pregnant. The babies heart beat today was 147 and last time it was 154. Chase is about a pound and 11 inches. I really can't wait to meet him, but it does also scare me. I'm a natural worrier, I worry about everything excessively so worrying about being able to provide for my little one is nothing new.

Its my mom's first grand child and she's planning my baby shower with my cousin which I really really appreciate. I decided I wanted a galaxy theme with planets, stars and the moon. Its all getting so exciting but I'm also getting really anxious. It feels like I'm not prepared and everything's happening so fast. I wish me and my hubby could start shopping and getting the room ready but we want to wait and see what I'll be getting at the baby shower first because we don't have that much money to begin with and once I stop working, money going to be tight. I'm still working about 20-25 hours a week and its getting really hard but I want us to get a car before I take some time off. It really helps that my hubby has a decent job, it will keeps us going until I start working again. 

I'll probably stop working when I go back to school this September to finish my thesis which I'm also worried about not getting done because of the pregnancy and with the baby on the way but I'm really determined to get my diploma so I can provide a good life for my lil one. It's all going to be really hard but I just have to stay motivated and determined. Now I'm off to do some homework for my online courses I've been taking this summer,the exam are at the end of the month, so got to get to it. :)

Charmed

Being A Pregnant Recovering Addict on Methadone

It's really hard for me to be open to people about being on methadone because of the negative stigma attached to it and now that I'm pregnant its even worst. Most people who aren't well informed about methadone seem to automatically think I'm a bad mother or that theirs going to be something wrong with my baby. I've personally seen many people on methadone have babies and all of them were perfect little bundles of joy. Being on meth is better than being on drugs and stopping meth or tapering off could lead to a miscarriage so trust me when I say I've looked into it and I'm doing the best I can for my little baby. I was tapering off before I got pregnant but I stopped when I found out because I didn't want to cause anymore stress on the baby and my body then it was already going through.

That being said its not easy being on methadone, my pharmacy totally screwed up my dose couple weeks ago and I went into major withdrawal for a week because they refused to fix it until my next pick up date. I hadn't felt that bad in a very long time. I can't explain the symptoms to someone whose never had them but I promise you their terrible and being pregnant made it all that much worst. I couldn't even take anything for it besides Tylenol which didn't really help and I was hesitant to take even that.

I've been taken by surprise by how much people expect pregnant women to follow these strict rules and get judge so negatively if they don't. Their so many dos and donts that I wasn't even aware of and how harsh some people can be if they find out your not doing or avoiding certain things. For example, the big issue about smoking when pregnant is so frowned upon that women posting in forums asking for advice on how to cut down or quit are met with rude comments. If their reactions were that rude to smoking I can just imagine how bad it would be if someone were to mention they were on methadone.

These people say things like just quit its your babies life, don't you care, your such a bad mother. Do they not know how these comments can really affect a pregnant hormonal person who's already worrying her but off about her babies health and safety. Like if it was that easy don't you think they would of done it already. I honestly think as a society we need to lay off the judgement and instead help each other out and accept peoples choices, that includes even me. Most of us are just doing the best we can and the judging doesn't help. I always try an remember that when I feel like judging someone for doing things differently than me.

This Post was Published On KLEN + SOBR Go Check it out :)

I've found that it helped to know as much as possible about methadone and pregnancy so I could answer any comments or questions people gave me. What I've found is this:

Is methadone safe for my baby?

Methadone treatment for pregnant women has been studied for the past 40 years and is considered the “gold standard” of treatment for pregnant women with opiate use disorder. Most babies born exposed to methadone have withdrawals and the hospital has medications to help the baby stay comfortable and manage withdrawal symptoms. If you stop using opiates suddenly you could miscarry, therefore it’s important to enter treatment if you are using illicit opiates or continue your medication-assisted treatment if you were in treatment when you became pregnant.

What if I want to taper off methadone?
Tapering is not recommend while you are pregnant, but you can always talk the medical staff at your treatment center about this issue. Being pregnant can be a very exciting and wonderful experience, but it can also be very stressful and scary. Tapering can add to that stress and some people have urges to use when they taper, even when they aren’t pregnant. Many pregnant patients feel it’s not worth the chance of relapsing, feeling withdrawals, and possibly miscarriage, so they decide to discuss tapering options after they give birth.

What about my dose…should I try to stay below a certain amount?

The most important thing to think about is how are you feeling physically. It’s important to take a dose of methadone that will keep you from having withdrawals or cravings for 24 hours (we call this a therapeutic level of methadone). When you first begin methadone treatment it may take a bit of time before you reach a therapeutic level. There is no certain number of milligrams you should try to stay below. There is no clear evidence that if you stay below a certain level of methadone will guarantee your infant will not have withdrawal symptoms.

Because of the changes in your body during pregnancy, it’s not uncommon for women to need an increase in their methadone during the third trimester. With that said, you can most likely return to your pre-pregnancy dose after you deliver.

http://www.methadoneandpregnancy.com/?page_id=21#1

Explaining this too people who might judge me for being on methadone or tell me to stop seems to have helped and I hope it helps you also. Its also important to remember that some people minds can't be change as they rather stay close minded and set in their ways so dont let people opinions affect you too much. I know its hard I'm still having problems with this.

Charmed

Addicted To Caffeine!!

Ya that's me. I'm 100% addicted to caffeine. It first started with Pepsi (I drink it everyday) and an energy drink here and there when I needed the energy for school or work. Then starting about a year and a half ago I was drinking one almost everyday. I drink one to get up and stay up for an early class (early to me, I'm a night person). The first class of the day is always the hardest on me. And I drank another one to stay up for work on weekends. I worked either the 7:30 to 4:00 shift or the 4:00 to 12:30. I didn't think I could stop because I was just to busy and always tired which is probably due in part to the low iron in my blood, the not eating well and my methadone. Thankfully ever since I moved with my hubby he has been cooking these amazing meals with veggies almost every night and also the yogurt and fruit snacks he makes me during the day have really been helping give me energy. Although I find I still don't get enough sleep which doesn't help. Now since being pregnant I've looked into caffeine consumption and found out that I shouldn't be consuming more then 200 mg a day while pregnant which I've been making sure to do. Sadly being pregnant has made me even more tired so I do need my caffeine to get through my busy days. I'm proud of how much I cut down but I feel like it's still not enough. Its not really the pop that's has me worried but the energy drink (135mg of caffeine) because of all the other crap that's in it. So far I'm doing really good staying away from that stuff while pregnant but I giving up my Pepsi isn't happening as selfish as that might sound to some people I really can't deal with the headache when I don't drink any.

Yours truly Charmed

Emotional rollercoaster

This pregnancy is really taking its toll on my emotions. I've been all over the place. Getting irritated faster, getting hurt and crying easily, things just bother me more than usual. My hubby is really sweet and does a lot for me but when I get irritated or hurt he gets on the defense easily because he is sensitive which ends up making the situation worst. Don't get me wrong I love that he is sensitive because it makes him more romantic, more understanding, more caring, it means that he understand me in a way most people couldn't. I would never change that about him. But were also both pretty stubborn on top of being sensitive, sooo not the best combination and the result of this is that we tend to fight for the last word way longer than we should.

A perfect example of how much my emotions are all over the place would be when I cried because mcdonalds stop making supper at 4am so I couldn't get a Big Mac, which is funny cause I rarely eat Mcdonalds, like maybe 4 times a year. Its not really my thing but I was really craving a Big Mac. Just like today when I was craving apples and caramel I got off work early thinking the store would be open until 9pm so I could stop and get some before heading home but nope it was close and I just stood there feeling lost and not knowing what to do. Thankfully now that I'm in my second trimester things have calmed down. I'm still so tired though and working a 9 hour shift on my feet is hard. I wish I could work shorter shifts. Its so hard to get out of bed sometimes.

Yours Charmed

Who Would of Thought An Addict Could Get This Far?!

I often put myself down like I'm not good enough and I forget how amazing I really am. This is something that affects so many aspects of my life. I tend to get hurt easily by others criticisms and I cant openly admit anything negative about myself without it impacting my self esteem in a bad way. So let this be a reminder to myself of just how far I've come. Their are times where I still catch myself in awe of how much my life has changed in the last 5 years and this really helps me realize I'm not a nobody but that I am a strong independent survivor.

This is a list of stuff I've gone through and made it on the other side since getting sober and doesn't include all the shit I went through that drove me to drug abuse in the first place. I've been sober over 6 years, well I think, I don't really keep track of that anymore. Anyways after I got sober I got a part time job to afford my own place again, I went back to high school and graduated with an 85% average and then got accepted to all the universities I had applied to. As amazing as that was that meant I was going to be alone for the first time and although I had moved out when I was 15 for a couple years before moving back to my moms, I had never truly been alone. My boyfriend had been with me ever since I had moved out at 15. We were together for 6 years, imagine that but we ended up growing a part, just like that. Lovers one day strangers the next. Well at least that how it feels. I decided to quit drugs and got sober but he didn't and then lied about it, after so much of trying to help him and stick it through I kinda gave up and became distant. Leaving for university meant I was going to be alone for the very first time and that really terrified me. All on my own in a new city, the idea was absolutely terrifying, but I did it. I made the choice and followed through with it. I made it all on my own and it was so liberating. It boosted my confidence and proved to myself and everyone else that ever doubted me that I could make it and that I DID!

After 8 months of being on my own I met someone who I ended up spending 3 years with. The damaged he caused to my confidence ran deep. He made me feel like I couldn't make it without him and I couldn't see a life beyond him. I thought I'd never ever have the strength to leave him. I had tried more than once but I always ended up going back. After trying to leave a couple times and it not working I had finally given up on that idea completely when I reconnected with an old friend at Christmas. All the while thinking that although this man was amazing and perfect for me I doubted I could really leave my boyfriend. I just couldn't see myself living without him. It wasn't just about not wanting to be alone anymore (I had the opportunity to not be alone and be with someone else plenty of times), I was emotionally invested and I knew leaving him would really hurt and it ended up hurting more then I thought it would. But I did it, I packed my stuff and left. I made the plans to go through with it and although I kept thinking I'd back out any minute, I didn't. I stayed strong and followed my instincts. The pain afterwards was almost unbearable and it took an enormous amount of strength to deal with and not go back.

Also when I found out I was pregnant I got really scared that I'd have to give up on my dreams. I was scared of my life changing in ways I wasn't really ready for. I had just moved in with that old friend I had reconnected with (and absolutely fallen in love with) and I needed time to grieve my past relationship, adjust and rebuild my new relationship (still kinda do need those things). I needed, and still need, stability. I was so worried about losing everything I had invested in my education, all the money and the time. It was a pretty significant amount but I pulled my big girl pants on and decided to face the situation head on (well not without some groaning and moaning on my part, lol). I sat down and figured a way to make my education work with this unexpected surprise on the way. Not to mention that after I got over the fear of losing things that were important to me at the time I got pretty excited when I realized exactly what I was gaining. Now I even have this fierce determination to protect and give this child the best life possible, its not so much about me anymore. Its weird how my way of thinking changed all of a sudden and I can only just imagine how much more that feeling is going to set in once my baby is actually born. Its hard and scary but I'm making it work because I'm strong, determined, resourceful and caring. So this will all work out, I'll make sure of it!

I would also like to add that all these accomplishments wouldn't of been possible without the support from the people closest to me. It made all the difference and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart <3<3<3

Charmed

The Unexpected Surprise! I'm Pregnant!

I didn't see this one coming that's for sure. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me being pregnant. I would have said no way, not possible, I have to finish my last year of university first. I thought I was being careful but in the heat of the moment when I thought I couldn't possibly ovulating 2 days after my period ended so we slipped and boom I'm pregnant from just that one time. It's true it only takes that one time. We’re guessing the baby was conceived between the 24th to the 26th of February, and the first day of my last period was on the 18th of February. I'm happy it’s with someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I know he will make an amazing father. We were already planning on getting married right after my graduation in the summer of 2015 and having kids shortly after that. It just happened a little sooner than anticipated which will be hard on my schooling but hopefully still doable. Finishing my school is really important to me since I've already spent four years in university and racked up a pretty big debt I got a lot invested in finishing. Thankfully my hubby doesn't mind finding a job that will give him the hours he needs to be at home while I'm at school or taking parental leave.

Even though this was a pretty big unexpected surprise that we weren't ready for, when I took the first test a little early, 2-3 days after my expected period, and it turned out negative I was a little disappointed. Although relieved because I knew this wouldn't be the right time I still longed for a family. It’s something I wanted and I suppose that's probably the reason we weren't as careful as we could have been. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason. When the second test turned positive I was sitting in the bathroom and a big smile came across my face. Trying to hold the smile back I walk up to my hubby with the straightest face I could muster up and handed him the pee stick he had just went and bought for me. I couldn't believe how happy he was, like I knew he wanted a family with me but we have only been together since January. I can't believe how fast things are moving and I think that's a major reason why I'm nervous and a little scared. I'm happy, nervous, scared, excited, and anxious and all these other emotions combined. I've been so emotional lately I feel extra sensitive and things hurt me easily. I'm also easily irritated and bitchy. I believe and hope that the hormones are the reason with have been arguing more lately. It's so stressful and scares me all the more. I don't want a child around all this arguing so I really hope this is just a phase.

Well I got referred to an OBGYN by my methadone doctor and he is sending me to get blood work done sometime next week. I was going down on my meth but started feeling really sick this past week so went back up again to the dose I was originally at. As for the baby, he is due Nov 26th and we think it might be a boy but either way we want both so it doesn't really matter. We have picked Ethan for a boy and Autumn or Alexis for a girl. I can't wait to go for the ultra sound but that's not for another couple weeks since I'm only 6 weeks pregnant. My mom bought me a pregnancy journal that I've already started filling out and we told quite a few people already which has me a little worried because anything can happen in the first 3 months. The stresses about money that I blogged about, aren't helping both because he isn’t working yet and my student loans are all gone. Plus the fact that we have over 1000$ in bills kind of has me freaking out. So I'm hoping I sell a couple of the healing trees I made on eBay and make some extra money. I am working all weekend, Friday to Monday, not sure how that's going to be on the body especially with the methadone not being adjusted to what I needed at yet. I feel nauseous and tired often. Well I hope all goes well and things get better. Fingers crossed.