First of all I’d like to say sorry, sorry, sorry for not posting
before now. Although I doubt anyone noticed I haven`t been posting. My 3rd year
in Psychology has kept me really busy, much busier then all the other years. It
feels like it gets harder every year. Plus I've been working on weekends while
also attending class during the week, for the first time since attending
college I'm doing both. Although I don't mind being busy since I like what I'm
doing, I rarely get time for myself anymore. And whatever time I do get is
usually spent taking care of my fishes. I have 4-5 tanks now, I kind of lost
count. But I'm still glad I got fishes instead of a dog. I love my fishes I'm a
Pisces after all. One of my girls got pregnant on Sunday so I had to get
another tank for her and her soon to be babies. First time I've had a cichlid
get pregnant; pretty cool how they hold the eggs in their mouth. I also have a
Freshwater Angelfish tank and a German Ram tank, plus tank for the babies.
Here's a quick picture of my African cichlid tank.
It’s funny how life turns out sometimes. I never stop learning and
growing. My growth sometimes surprises me but I still find myself wishing other
aspects of myself would grow faster. I have always had a hard time with
relationships and recently I've been having a hard time knowing if I'm asking
for too much, or if I'm giving in too much. Knowing when to give and when to take
is not my strong suit. But somewhere deep down I wonder if it’s not the other
person that might be partly responsible. I feel like I've tried everything and
still I'm at a loss of how to make this all work. After my last post I had
broken up with my ex and was kind of seeing someone else but my ex kept trying
to get me back and pretty much scared the other guy so I just told that guy to
move on if he didn't think I was worth a little trouble. I'm almost positive he
would have stuck around to see how we would have worked out or until he
couldn't handle my ex anymore but things were just not the same between us
after my ex freaked out on him. I just didn't want to give anymore of my heart
to him if there was a chance of him leaving because of something my ex did.
Something I had no control over. So I finally gave in with my ex, his promises
and changes really seemed sincere at the time. Or maybe I just didn't want to
be alone and he was something familiar.
Anyways we eventually moved in together. I was very doubtful and
hesitant at first but I went for it. I still sometimes wonder what made me go
back. I should of known all his promises were too good to be true and that he
would go back to his old ways soon enough. Don't get me wrong things aren't
terrible but I feel like I deserve more. Now isn't that selfish of me. I want
him to listen to me, not say something if he's not going to do it, and to spend
some time with me. I start building up some resentment when I feel myself
giving in too much and sacrificing what I want for what he wants. And that
makes me feel like he should at the very least show me some appreciation and
attention since I give him what he wants all the time. Specially because if I
don't he will often pick a fit, give me the silent treatment or guilt me into
giving him what he wants. I don't know but that sounds like major manipulation
but even though I kind of know that I'm still not ready to leave. I want to
make it work. If I get enough time I’d like to blog about it and maybe even get
your input. If anyone even reads these post, lol. Ok well got to go for now
busy, busy.
:) Charmed
