Poem: Nowhere Left to Turn

I didn't get to post my usual weekly post last week because I've been dealing with some stuff. I can't write when my mind won't cooperate. So since I still haven't gotten around to finishing a post I thought I'd share a poem that I've been working on. This is the rough draft, the poem obviously needs some work but it does explain a little bit about what I've been dealing with. 

Is There Anybody Out There??

I've been dwelling on the fact that theirs probably only a very little amount of people that read my blog anymore. I don't even remember the last time someone commented on one of my post. That's probably somewhat my fault for disappearing months at a time here and there when I get busy with school. I know it shouldn't matter too much if not many people read my posts and I just should do it for myself and that's true. I want to be able to look back in years from now and see what I was thinking about at the time, but I already have a journal for that. I could do it to improve my writing but I find I'm more motivated to write good posts when I know people will be reading them. Its important to me to reach out to others and create some kind of support system with people who have dealt with addiction in their lives. A lot of the time I think of things I'd like to write about but then I think why bother no one will read it anyways. Here's to hoping that if I keep up with my writing at least once a week like Ive been doing Ill get more readers and more comments to let me know you guys are there and enjoying my posts.This is my 100th posts. :)  Have a great weekend everyone.

Charmed

Doubt When Making Changes

I wrote this post right after New Year's Eve this year but didn't know if I should post it. But I finally decided to let my thoughts of that moment be known. I've changed many things in my life and it doesn't get any easier the more times I do it. Changes still scares me. I usually fight it every step of the way trying to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. Although when my heart’s desire becomes greater than the fear, my soul finds the courage to carry on as planned. Taking that leap, that risk that might just change everything.

From last Christmas to this Christmas so much has happened, so much has changed, but still so much is still the same. I'm almost in the same position I was a year ago. I'm in a relationship where I'm rarely happy but God, the Goddess, destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it, has seen fit to put another man in my life to give me another chance at happiness, if only I have the courage to reach out and take the opportunity given to me. This is not something I do carelessly or easily, be it bad or good, all my choices are calculated, exploring every possibly; the things that can go wrong and the things that can go right. I tend to over analyze everything and get lost in my own mind. I'm obviously a Pisces but being a Pisces also means that I rely a lot on my instincts and emotions which are an important part of the calculating process.

When I make the decision to go ahead with something it’s with a lot of thought and care, which sometimes makes me hesitate and I miss out on the wonderful opportunity given to me. It’s really helping that my emotions are really strong for this person, I can’t believe how much I feel connected to him and it all just feels so right. On the other hand I'm nervous and scared because I've been fooled before and I've learnt not to trust my instinct. I'm not saying this person isn't a wonderful person but what if he changes with time and becomes someone completely different, its happened to me before. On top of that I'm really scared about having to deal with the guy I'm in a relationship with, I know he will make it hard for me to leave. He will fight and I don't completely trust him to let me leave with all my things. I don't even want to think about how that's going to work or how it will even happen. See I'm over thinking everything again why can't I stop doubting myself.

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Charmed

9 Things You Might Not Know About Me

1. I wanted to be a veterinarian growing up

2. I kissed a girl before I kissed a boy

3. I'm bisexual and I've known it since I was 12

4. I moved out on my own at 15

5. My Moms my Best Friend

6. I have 4 of half brothers and sisters

7. I started to love reading very young

8. I've been dying my hair since I was like 11

9. Got my tongue pierced at 13

Some Roommates Should Come with a Warning Label

Warning Label:

I don't do dishes.

I don't take out the garbage

I steal your toilet paper & soap

I dont hang up towels

I steal all the spoons.

I don't sweep, mop or any cleaning actually

My landlord rents out the 3 rooms in her basement apartment and the other two rooms were empty since the beginning of the summer until she found a guy who wanted one of the rooms. He moved in at the beginning of July and hasn't cleaned anything since he moved in or hasn't taken any of the garbage out. I've had to constantly clean after him, on top of having him leave cigarette butts in the sink with the dishes he doesn't clean after himself in the bathroom. Finding stains and shaved hairs in the toilet or the tub filled up with dirty water is not what I signed up for. If that wasn't annoying enough he uses my supplies, toilet paper etc. Not to mention I'm not working at the moment and he's suppose to be so he should pay for his own supplies. I'm broke enough as it is. I've told him twice to simply put the toilet seat down and he can't even do that. And last night I got all the garbage ready hoping he would take them out but noooo, they were still there in the kitchen this morning so now we have to wait till next week for garbage day. I'm just so annoyed I'm really thinking about moving out but I can't even look at other places right now because the internet that's included in my rent isn't working and the landlords gone so she can't fix it. I don't want to keep putting up with this. I have enough to deal with without having to clean up after a grown man. That's all I can say for now since I'm using my phone's internet and its costing me too much.

Charmed

Job Hunting

Since losing my job on June 29th I've been actively looking for a job for the past 2 weeks. The first week I mostly sent resumes online and got a couple interviews that way but with out any luck. So this week I decided to go print out some resumes and drop them off around where I live since I don't have a car and the bus cost money. I haven't had any call backs yet, but I'm hoping I get some as soon as possible this week so I can get the interviews done before I leave to go camping on Thursday, since Ill be gone until Wednesday. Although getting a job is really important to me right now, I just cant miss this camping trip. I've been looking forward to doing the annual camping trip with my mom again ever since I left for college 3 years ago. And this camping trip has been planned for over two months now. Hopefully my cell still works where I'm going camping in case I get a call for a job.

I also made an appointment for Tuesday with someone to help me find a job but I realized afterwards that he is probably not going to want to do anything until I get back from camping. I believe he is going to want to wait because that's exactly what he did when I went and seen him around exam time in April. And then what happened was we kept missing each others calls and leaving each other messages until I just ended finding a job with out him. Hopefully this time he is more helpful and helps me during our appointment instead of rescheduling for when I get back. Although I do understand him maybe wanting to wait, he could still send me to places on Wednesday with my resume. But then again I wont be able to interview until I get back so it might be pointless. As long as our appointment is productive Ill be happy. Maybe he can get a sense of what kind of job I'm looking for and I'm qualified for so that while I'm gone he can find some good places for me to apply at when I get back.

I'm just hoping this week isn't a waste of time on getting closer to finding a job specially since I could be at my moms taking care of my brother and spending time with him while my moms out of town helping my aunt move. I would rather be helping my mom then worrying about finding a job. But after thinking about it I realized that getting a job as soon as possible would mean my mom wouldn't have to keep helping me with money and worrying about me as much. I just want to do the right thing, it was such a difficult decision. Id like to start working as soon as I get back since I really need the money and theirs only going to be 1 month left before I go back to school and cut down my hours to only 1 shift or 2 a week. At this point Id take pretty much any job I can find.

Charmed

Journal Entries

I started writing more in this daily journal style last week and I enjoyed writing about my current situation because it helped me clear my mind and give me some kind of peace. Some of my posts are more general, or their about my past, like my posts about addiction, recovery, self help methods and personal growth motivation. Although I've already written about stuff in my past I haven't written many posts about my current situation and I want to write these types of daily journal entries at least once a week so I can keep track of my mental and emotional growth. I want to be able to look back one day and see the progress and change I've made in my life.

I'm hoping that my journal entries still help and inspire my readers, and make them feel a little less alone for the moment like some of my other post have in the past (or so I've been told). But just in case I'm going to try to mix things up and not only do journal entry posts. Now if you have any suggestions on things I can write about or even a general question I can answer in a post that would really help since I've been having a difficult time finding new things to write about. I've already written about, The fear of Change, Finding Happiness, Letting Go, Alternative Recovery Programs, etc. so I'm looking for new ideas.

I believe a thanks are in order to Annette @  http://journeyofrecoverysearchforserenity.blogspot.ca/
The idea of doing more daily journal style writings is thanks to Annette, a fellow blogger whose writing style I really enjoy. Her posts talk about her day to day which really drew me in and because I've enjoyed reading about her day I felt more comfortable doing this myself knowing my readers might enjoy it also.

Charmed

Another Day, Another Problem

A case of bad luck has got me pretty bummed out. Every summer since I left for college I usually go on social assistance since my school loans are only for the school year. But the last two summers I've gotten jobs with good hours so I never stayed on it very long. This summer was different the job I got only gave me 11 hours a week so I had to stay on social assistance for help while I looked for another job.

This Friday I found out my social assistance worker didn't give me the amount of money I was suppose to get which means I'm getting less money working then just being on social assistance which is really discouraging. Just finding out I cant pay my phone bill or my rent or even food has me pretty stressed out. Especially since my usually understanding landlady told me a couple of days ago that her farther was sick so she really needed the rent on the first.

Oh but that's not all, yesterday morning my job calls me very early when they know I worked until midnight the night before and tell me, and I quote: We wont be needing your services anymore. So now I'm fired for no apparent reason but at lease I had been warned by past workers and current workers that they fire people all the time for no reason before people reach the 3 month mark. Although that did nothing to make me feel better or make it any easier. And as shallow as this might sound my prides a little hurt cause I know I'm a good worker.

On a better note and some twisted part of fate at lease I had already been looking for another job. I needed more then 11 hours so I had been handing out resume these past two weeks. I'm thinking that maybe some part of me took the warning seriously that they fired people a lot and was getting ready for it. So thankfully I had already 2 interviews planned for this Tuesday (since its a long weekend and Monday is Canada Day) and hopefully I get hired but even if I do, I'm still not going to get a pay check for 2 to 3 weeks after the day I start working which might not be right away. Its so hard to stay positive but I'm trying.

Remembering a little good news I got this week helps change my mind. I got my first check sent in the mail from eBay for the ads I have on my blog. Its my first check since starting my blog in December 2012 and its only 30 cents, since its a pay per click thing, but I plan on framing it and putting it on my wall. I want it to be a reminder to keep doing what I love, and that maybe one day my writing might pay off and that hopefully Ill be a success in my field of psychology. I really need something good like that to happen I don't want to keep living like this and even though I know my mom would help me with whatever she could, she also doesn't have much money and I want to be the one helping her for a change. I don't like taking money from her because I know she needs it. I want to be an adult who can financially support herself and its embarrassing to still need my mom to help me financially. I want to take care of her and I swear one day I will.

Another thing that made me happy and changed my mind off the fact that I'm broke and fired was that I finally got my first fire of the summer last night. Its was so beautiful and I think I appreciated it all the more because I had been waiting 2 months for a fire. It took so long since these last 3~4 weeks it had either been raining or I've been working and before that we needed to get fire wood which took my boyfriend about 3 weeks to do. After we burnt the little amount of wood we had the fire had been burning almost an hour and I had made a few roasted marshmallows by then. We also talked about going to watch the fireworks for Canada Day on Monday which I'm really looking forward to. Long weekends are great so I'm going to try and concentrate on that instead of my problems and hope every thing works itself out this week.

Have a Great Weekend Everyone!

Charmed

Don't Worry I Didn't Relapse

Oh ya, that's me pulling a disappearing act for almost a full month. Sorry about that. I could say summer has kept me busy but in all honesty I just couldn't get inspired. I guess I got my first taste of writers block. 

You know, I just got to that point where I felt like I'd just be repeating myself if I tried to write. So I sat back and thought about my content. So far I've written about events in my past and about certain issues that were important in my life such as fear of change or finding happiness but the one thing I didn't write about very often was about the here and now which is kind of funny since that's what I first intended to do when I started my blog. So it made me want to start writing about my days that way I can avoid well somewhat repeating myself.

Here it is. 
Today, I went to town to get my methadone for the week and got some other stuff at the pharmacy... lol... woman stuff, that's all I'm saying. While I was walking back home in the occasional rain I noticed it was around the time my boyfriend (for about 2 and a half year) got off work so I sent him a text asking him where he was so we could meet up for a couple of minutes since I know he usually gets dropped off down town.

On my way to meet him I past the grocery and thought well a bacon tomato sandwich would be good tonight  so naturally I changed course and  headed in to the store, getting me some bacon and two hot house tomatoes (it was all very delicious by the way). My boy friend met up with me and on our way out of the grocery store I say I'm so hungry I want something right now to get some energy to walk home since I hadn't eaten yet today. And voila a stop at the hot dog stand and some fresh squeezed lemonade with a squirt of cherry later and we're on our way home.

Can you see how easily I can be diverted sometimes, my mind jumps from on thing to another. Nothings ever really planned, it just happens, which is exactly how I like it. Well besides the important stuff like money and work/school.

Now before we parted ways to each go home we made some half plans about maybe him coming over after he showered. But he ended up not coming since he was tired and his feet hurt which was kind of disappointing because I'm always the one going over to his place, like every weekend which is getting very unpractical.

We have already lived together at the very beginning of our relationship but that didn't work out so well for us. So as unpractical as it is we have to make it work some how if we want to see each other. Which is why I told him that for the next little bit he will have to come to my place if he wanted to see me. That way I can get the break from the back and forth between his place and mine. Time I'll have to think about what to do next.

"If we don't see each other moving in together which would be the next logical step, specially since I'd like to get married one day and have a kid, what are we suppose to do next." That's the exact thought that's been in my head tonight and well, to be honest, on a lot of nights recently. I know its hasn't even been 3 years yet but when I mention future plans all he says is I don't think about stuff like that or the future. I should take this as a bad sign, right?

We already did the living together, getting pregnant and being told he wanted no part of it which was one of the big reasons I got an abortion which still hurts me to this day (I've spent many, many nights tossing and turning over not keeping it and simply mentioning it took a lot of courage). But I made the decision and now I'm accepting it with the firm determination that it will never happen again.

But it still comes down to "So what happens next?"

I care for him deeply but some part of me knows its probably not meant to be but that does nothing to help me decide and commit to what comes next.

And that's how I'm spent my day.

Charmed