Pregnant Drug Addicts Should be Treated like Criminals

According to Time.com a woman was charged last year after Tennessee lawmakers passed a bill that allows pregnant women to be criminally charged if drug use harms their babies. The bill says a pregnant woman may be prosecuted for an assaultive offense if her child is born addicted or harmed by the narcotic drug. She can even be charged with homicide if her baby dies because of her drug use. Sadly, this isn’t just happening in Tennessee, it’s also happening in Texas . This law needs to be nipped in the butt before it goes any further.

If a woman uses during her pregnancy she is to be charged and treated as a criminal for harming her baby. Yikes!! Now this isn't going to end well. Does anyone else see an increase in "garbage can babies" because I do? Pregnant drug addicts will refuse care for the fear of getting charged which will only cause the baby more harm. What about fetal alcohol syndrome. That doesn’t count? This law is doing nothing to help addicted mothers or their babies, but will probably increase abortion rates. Not to mention that any mother that gives birth to a child with a birth defect will be put under scrutiny.

The Juggling Act of Being a New Mom in Recovery

Being new mom can be difficult enough by itself but add to that recovery and you got a whole new set of challenges. Trying to manage sleep school and taking care of a baby is no small feat, now forget about trying to keep the house clean. I really enjoy being a mom but this juggling act is overwhelming at times.

I've always had low energy and quitting drugs seem to make it worst, not to mention how being on methadone has also messed with my energy levels. If I don't have at least 10 hours of sleep I cant function properly and this is something I've learned to live with and have worked my schedule around. As you can imagine that's not always possible with a little baby to take care of and I often find myself drained, nodding off and feeling guilty that I'm not getting enough school work done or how messy the house is getting.

I'm lucky for the help that I am getting but I still feel like I'm coming up short with my ever growing to do list. I'm getting worried I won't finish my thesis in time and my teacher seems to think the same. I don't like thinking about it because I usually feel like I'm having a panic attack. I only have one class and my thesis left to graduate after being there 5 years so its extremely important to me to finish and graduate. I've worked so hard for it and I'm really trying to make this work. I'm suppose to be getting more help with the baby in the next few weeks so hopefully I can get on top of things. Its just that when I'm not sleeping I'd rather be spending time with little one. :) Baby cuddles are the best

Charmed

My Birth Experience Being a Recovering Addict on Methadone

I've been so busy with my newborn baby boy that I haven't gotten the chance to post these last few Sundays. Although I thought about it I just couldn't seem to find the time. Any spare time I did get I just wanted to spend catching up on my sleep that I had definitely been lacking since that first week. The first week was the hardest with having to stay at the hospital with my little one, recovering from a c-section, and only getting about 3 hours of sleep a night, and not 3 consecutive hours either. Thankfully the joy and excitement at finally having my baby gave me the adrenaline to keep me going. It took a while for it to sink in, it didn't seem real at first but once I started realizing the magnitude of this new life in my arms I was in complete awe of him (and still am). He was born absolutely perfect.

My OB scheduled me in to get induced after I went overdue for a few reasons but it turned out unsuccessful. A couple hours after breaking my water and giving me the iv drip I still wasn't having any contractions. My OB who had been talking about having to send me for a c-section because of my pelvis being too small approached me again about going for a c-section saying I'd probably end up there anyways and the baby heart rate dropped a few times. I reluctantly agree. After hearing c-section horror stories I was kind of terrified but off I was to the operating room all by myself. I was disappointed they would only let one person in so my mom wasn't able to be there and they only let the father in after they had set me up with the spinal and had me on the operating table. I wasn't very happy about being alone for the spinal because it was one of the worst parts and when they finally started operating the freezing went up to my lungs which made breathing very hard. I started shaking, yawning and tearing up a lot during the whole thing but at least the freezing was good enough that I only felt some tugging and pressure. I'm also disappointed I didn't get to see him being born, at least the father got to stand up over the curtain and see it.

When I was admitted to the hospital they wanted me to give them all my methadone carries which I was very weary about because I didn't completely trust them not to screw up my dose somehow. I was admitted to the hospital for three days to recover from my c-section which really hurt the first week and only became somewhat bearable the second week. The baby however ended up staying at the hospital for a week so I was put in a room with him in the pediatrics department for the rest of the time he was at the hospital. That's when I find the whole experience became very frustrating and exhausting. I felt terrible the entire time thinking it was my fault my baby was there withdrawing from methadone and some nurses weren't pleasant to deal with at all. They just made the whole situation worst. One in particular kept scoring really high on the withdrawal so we had to stay longer for observation when I felt he wasn't as bad as she was making it out to be and it turned out I was right when a few other nurses examined him later on. She also pretty much took the baby out of my hands at one point when I was changing his diaper because he was crying. Being hormonal with no sleep I was really not having it I demanded not to have her as a nurse again and told the doctors exactly what I thought and we were released the next day.

While I was at the hospital it seemed very difficult but having my baby made me smile every day. Since coming home things got so much easier. My baby was finally sleeping longer periods and being in the comfort of my home without nurses hovering over me made all the difference. Looking back at the time in the hospital I still cherish every moment even though it wasn't what I wanted, it was still the birth of my baby and that's pretty freaking special :) I spent his first month off school for the holidays enjoying some baby cuddles and family.

Charmed

My Blogs 2 Year Anniversary

Happy Solstice, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Everyone. I'm back and Hopefully for good. Now with every holiday comes another wonderful year of blogging but with having a baby just a month ago I've been slacking with posting my regular Sunday posts and I'm sorry about that. I really do appreciate my blog and all its readers and I didn't plan on disappearing for a month but it was well worth it. Getting to know my baby boy and getting into some kind of routine was essential, especially with school, which I've sadly also been slacking on but all that and the birth experience is a topic for another post. I'm going to try to write my posts ahead of time that way I have something scheduled for every Sunday.

The holidays represent many wonderful things for me, especially now with my baby (my greatest blessing of all) being born so close to the holidays. Also the holidays isn't just my blogs anniversary anymore but since I reconnected with my baby's father on Christmas last year, that would make this Christmas our one year anniversary. I feel like I've been given blessing after blessing during the holidays, like the baby's father completely surprising me and proposing this Christmas on our anniversary. Everyone can see how much of an amazing father he is and nothing could make me happier then knowing my son has a great father. On top of that in a couple months we will be moving in together in this really nice 3 bedroom on a main floor of a triplex with a backyard that he got at a really good price because he will be the handyman and superintendent of the triplex.

Its a little scary when things are this good and I'm this happy because if something bad were to happen I have a lot more to lose and I was reminded of that when the baby, his father and I got pulled over by the cops for speeding a week ago. I'm not going to go into detail but my baby's father got arrested and they mixed him up with another guy who has the same name and same birthday from the same town. They just took him away late at night on our way back home from visiting my mom so she could spend some time with the baby. Not having my license yet I was stuck with the vehicle crying like crazy trying not to make noise and wake the baby. Not knowing when Id see the baby's father again I felt devastated and in that moment I realized that I really loved this man and wanted nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him and our lovely new baby boy.

Charmed

Aren't All Women Suppose to be Domesticated

Lately I've been thinking more and more about how other women do it. Its seems so easy to some women to take care of their home and family. Its like they were born with this innate ability or talent of being the perfect house wife. Their houses are always clean and the meals are always cooked. Some even have a job on top of this. Where do they get the energy?This seriously puts me to shame. I really envy them, there like supermoms. I know my moms one of these super mom. She keeps everything clean and everyone fed. I wonder if most women are like this and if I'm the odd one out.

I'm a low energy person and I really like my sleep. Im often tired even before I got pregnant which makes it hard to do much of anything. I also dread cleaning since I do it a lot at work but that doesn't mean I don't get around to it. I cook supper usually 3 days a week and I clean the laundry, bathroom and floors at least once a week. I even get all the garbage together most weeks for my hubby to take out in the morning. But sometimes people around me and society make me feel like I'm still not doing enough.

I really have a hard time getting the dishes done. Its definitely the worst. I've asked my hubby if that could be a chore he was responsible for and do it once a week on weekends since I do other stuff but I'm made to feel like that's asking too much of him since he works hard labor all week. But am I really asking too much. If he did I would definitely cook more. I don't know, supposedly compared to the wife's of the guys my hubby works with, I could be doing more and not expecting help. I just don't see that as fair but it still makes me doubt myself. 

What do you guys think, should I do more? Please let me know in the comments below.

Sincerely Charmed

Its Official, I'm Having a Boy!!

It feels like I've been waiting for this all year. I finally found out I'm having a baby boy Nov. 18, a lil Scorpio we decided to name Chase. My mom and hubby came to the ultrasound with me on Thursday. It was really amazing seeing my baby and how big he's getting. We all got to find out it was a boy at the same time when he finally uncrossed his legs and showed us his boy part. 

I had been telling everyone it was a little boy ever since I found out I was pregnant. Its like my intuition just knew but I would of been happy either way, I just want a healthy baby and so far everything looks good. I went to the OBGYN this afternoon an she said everything look really good. I gained 4-5 pounds total since the beginning of my pregnancy and I'm now 22 weeks pregnant. The babies heart beat today was 147 and last time it was 154. Chase is about a pound and 11 inches. I really can't wait to meet him, but it does also scare me. I'm a natural worrier, I worry about everything excessively so worrying about being able to provide for my little one is nothing new.

Its my mom's first grand child and she's planning my baby shower with my cousin which I really really appreciate. I decided I wanted a galaxy theme with planets, stars and the moon. Its all getting so exciting but I'm also getting really anxious. It feels like I'm not prepared and everything's happening so fast. I wish me and my hubby could start shopping and getting the room ready but we want to wait and see what I'll be getting at the baby shower first because we don't have that much money to begin with and once I stop working, money going to be tight. I'm still working about 20-25 hours a week and its getting really hard but I want us to get a car before I take some time off. It really helps that my hubby has a decent job, it will keeps us going until I start working again. 

I'll probably stop working when I go back to school this September to finish my thesis which I'm also worried about not getting done because of the pregnancy and with the baby on the way but I'm really determined to get my diploma so I can provide a good life for my lil one. It's all going to be really hard but I just have to stay motivated and determined. Now I'm off to do some homework for my online courses I've been taking this summer,the exam are at the end of the month, so got to get to it. :)

Charmed

Addicted To Caffeine!!

Ya that's me. I'm 100% addicted to caffeine. It first started with Pepsi (I drink it everyday) and an energy drink here and there when I needed the energy for school or work. Then starting about a year and a half ago I was drinking one almost everyday. I drink one to get up and stay up for an early class (early to me, I'm a night person). The first class of the day is always the hardest on me. And I drank another one to stay up for work on weekends. I worked either the 7:30 to 4:00 shift or the 4:00 to 12:30. I didn't think I could stop because I was just to busy and always tired which is probably due in part to the low iron in my blood, the not eating well and my methadone. Thankfully ever since I moved with my hubby he has been cooking these amazing meals with veggies almost every night and also the yogurt and fruit snacks he makes me during the day have really been helping give me energy. Although I find I still don't get enough sleep which doesn't help. Now since being pregnant I've looked into caffeine consumption and found out that I shouldn't be consuming more then 200 mg a day while pregnant which I've been making sure to do. Sadly being pregnant has made me even more tired so I do need my caffeine to get through my busy days. I'm proud of how much I cut down but I feel like it's still not enough. Its not really the pop that's has me worried but the energy drink (135mg of caffeine) because of all the other crap that's in it. So far I'm doing really good staying away from that stuff while pregnant but I giving up my Pepsi isn't happening as selfish as that might sound to some people I really can't deal with the headache when I don't drink any.

Yours truly Charmed

Emotional rollercoaster

This pregnancy is really taking its toll on my emotions. I've been all over the place. Getting irritated faster, getting hurt and crying easily, things just bother me more than usual. My hubby is really sweet and does a lot for me but when I get irritated or hurt he gets on the defense easily because he is sensitive which ends up making the situation worst. Don't get me wrong I love that he is sensitive because it makes him more romantic, more understanding, more caring, it means that he understand me in a way most people couldn't. I would never change that about him. But were also both pretty stubborn on top of being sensitive, sooo not the best combination and the result of this is that we tend to fight for the last word way longer than we should.

A perfect example of how much my emotions are all over the place would be when I cried because mcdonalds stop making supper at 4am so I couldn't get a Big Mac, which is funny cause I rarely eat Mcdonalds, like maybe 4 times a year. Its not really my thing but I was really craving a Big Mac. Just like today when I was craving apples and caramel I got off work early thinking the store would be open until 9pm so I could stop and get some before heading home but nope it was close and I just stood there feeling lost and not knowing what to do. Thankfully now that I'm in my second trimester things have calmed down. I'm still so tired though and working a 9 hour shift on my feet is hard. I wish I could work shorter shifts. Its so hard to get out of bed sometimes.

Yours Charmed

The Unexpected Surprise! I'm Pregnant!

I didn't see this one coming that's for sure. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me being pregnant. I would have said no way, not possible, I have to finish my last year of university first. I thought I was being careful but in the heat of the moment when I thought I couldn't possibly ovulating 2 days after my period ended so we slipped and boom I'm pregnant from just that one time. It's true it only takes that one time. We’re guessing the baby was conceived between the 24th to the 26th of February, and the first day of my last period was on the 18th of February. I'm happy it’s with someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I know he will make an amazing father. We were already planning on getting married right after my graduation in the summer of 2015 and having kids shortly after that. It just happened a little sooner than anticipated which will be hard on my schooling but hopefully still doable. Finishing my school is really important to me since I've already spent four years in university and racked up a pretty big debt I got a lot invested in finishing. Thankfully my hubby doesn't mind finding a job that will give him the hours he needs to be at home while I'm at school or taking parental leave.

Even though this was a pretty big unexpected surprise that we weren't ready for, when I took the first test a little early, 2-3 days after my expected period, and it turned out negative I was a little disappointed. Although relieved because I knew this wouldn't be the right time I still longed for a family. It’s something I wanted and I suppose that's probably the reason we weren't as careful as we could have been. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason. When the second test turned positive I was sitting in the bathroom and a big smile came across my face. Trying to hold the smile back I walk up to my hubby with the straightest face I could muster up and handed him the pee stick he had just went and bought for me. I couldn't believe how happy he was, like I knew he wanted a family with me but we have only been together since January. I can't believe how fast things are moving and I think that's a major reason why I'm nervous and a little scared. I'm happy, nervous, scared, excited, and anxious and all these other emotions combined. I've been so emotional lately I feel extra sensitive and things hurt me easily. I'm also easily irritated and bitchy. I believe and hope that the hormones are the reason with have been arguing more lately. It's so stressful and scares me all the more. I don't want a child around all this arguing so I really hope this is just a phase.

Well I got referred to an OBGYN by my methadone doctor and he is sending me to get blood work done sometime next week. I was going down on my meth but started feeling really sick this past week so went back up again to the dose I was originally at. As for the baby, he is due Nov 26th and we think it might be a boy but either way we want both so it doesn't really matter. We have picked Ethan for a boy and Autumn or Alexis for a girl. I can't wait to go for the ultra sound but that's not for another couple weeks since I'm only 6 weeks pregnant. My mom bought me a pregnancy journal that I've already started filling out and we told quite a few people already which has me a little worried because anything can happen in the first 3 months. The stresses about money that I blogged about, aren't helping both because he isn’t working yet and my student loans are all gone. Plus the fact that we have over 1000$ in bills kind of has me freaking out. So I'm hoping I sell a couple of the healing trees I made on eBay and make some extra money. I am working all weekend, Friday to Monday, not sure how that's going to be on the body especially with the methadone not being adjusted to what I needed at yet. I feel nauseous and tired often. Well I hope all goes well and things get better. Fingers crossed.

Has Christmas Changed or Have I ?

This Christmas just seems different from the rest. Last year my boyfriend asked me why I expected gifts from my parents and my answer was they have always done it and well this year I really wanted an e-reader. The truth is I needed the gifts to feel special and I felt like I deserved it. It was tradition I didn't want to let go of. Every year I looked at Christmas as an opportunity to get something, like most kids do. At 23 I was still feeling this way which seemed a bit old to my boyfriend, who said he hasn't expected anything from his parents in a long time. I just didn't see how he could compare the two since he never see's his family and I'm really close to mine, which is something I value greatly. Now one year later at 24 I didn't even think about what I wanted so when my parents asked I was at a loss. This felt odd to me because I'd always had a huge list ready for them every year, well not really for my dad anymore since I learnt years ago that something always happens around the holidays where money goes missing and he can't afford much. I didn't know what to ask for and after thinking about it real hard I mumbled something about if their dog had puppies I'd take one, pajamas, a spice rack, a computer desk or a crock pot. Whatever they could afford was fine and it could be second hand stuff. All I was really thinking about was spending time with them.

It's weird how my way of thinking changed without me even realizing it. Now I don't need presents from them to feel loved and I feel like whatever I need I can buy myself. Christmas and holidays should be about family but sadly our society puts a lot of importance on gifts to get us to spend tons and tons of money and in result kids expect it and parents feel the need to buy the best. I expected it for years, I'm not any different from anyone else, but I'm glad this year I've experienced this deep spiritual growth that’s made me realize what's really important. I'm just really happy to be at my mom's this holiday and it’s a big relief to not have to worry about school. I hadn't came to my mom’s since this summer which is probably the longest time I've went without seeing her and I missed her so freaking much. I even really missed my little brothers which don’t happen because I never go this long without seeing them. I just feel so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to spend time with them. To make things even better the oldest brother who's lives literally 3 days drive away is also at my mom’s for the holidays and my boyfriend who didn't get to come last years is coming down on Tuesday to be with my family for the holidays. Not to spoil the moment but I'm still a little worried he won't show up so I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed and will let you know what happens.

Charmed

My Christmas Tree @ home

9 Things You Might Not Know About Me

1. I wanted to be a veterinarian growing up

2. I kissed a girl before I kissed a boy

3. I'm bisexual and I've known it since I was 12

4. I moved out on my own at 15

5. My Moms my Best Friend

6. I have 4 of half brothers and sisters

7. I started to love reading very young

8. I've been dying my hair since I was like 11

9. Got my tongue pierced at 13

Finally Going Camping

Well I'm leaving tonight at midnight (since I missed the 1 o'clock bus) on the bus to go to my mom’s so we can leave to go camping tomorrow. Thankfully it’s only an hour away, and just over an hour on the bus. I'm super excited. I put a joke up on Facebook about me hitch hiking there and a friend told me there was a tornado warning so to be careful. My response was that I might get there faster if the tornado picked me up ... hehe... But seriously I hope we have good weather while we are camping. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. I really want to go swimming and do some tanning (I'm so white its ridiculous). I haven't gone swimming in who knows how long, but it’s been years. I've been buying 1 swim suit every summer for 3 years thinking i'll be swimming and tanning that summer and now I have 3 swim suits with the tags still on them so I'm bringing them all and making good use of them. I even downloaded some Shakespeare plays on my e-reader to read in the sun while I'm getting my tan on.

I'm finally going to get out of the house and do some socializing. I've been trying to do that more of that lately. I even joined fetlife a couple weeks ago to meet new people and find events in my area. Although I haven't gone to one yet I'm hoping I get too soon. I almost made it to one this month but when I got down town the person I was going with was late and we missed our bus to go to the beach event. So going camping will do me some good and I even got some interviews done which I was worried about getting done before leaving. The people from the 2 interviews I did this week said they would call me next Tuesday or Wednesday to let me know which is perfect since that's about the time I’ll be coming back from camping. And if they don't call I'll probably end up staying longer, but not too long since I need to keep looking for another job. Although I think my chances are pretty good since I got along well with the people who were doing the interview. **Crossing my fingers and praying I get the job** I really need it.

I'm mostly done packing for the camping trip but I'm also bringing a bag of laundry that I’ll need to do when I get to my mom’s at 1:30 am tonight so it’s done for when we leave tomorrow. I need a few things washed for the camping trip and I figured I'd bring the rest of my laundry which has been piling up ever since I heard a rumor that are local wash and dry has been spreading bed bugs. Not to mention that I have such an extreme and irrational fear of bugs that the first couple nights after I heard this I barely slept. I would lay there for several minutes and then turn the lights on and do another complete search of my comforter, sheet, mattress and box-spring. I kept imagining that those things were crawling on me to the point where I thought I felt them. I also did a bunch of research on them and I looked at pictures of them and of how the bites look like. I would even do a full body search every morning to make sure I had no bites anywhere. PARANOID, much!! Well it seems I'm in the clear, no bed bugs for me but I'm definitely not going to that laundry matte ever again. I don't want to go through that ever again, especially when I've just calmed down.

I'm not sure when my next post is going to be since I'll be gone for about a week but I’ll be back I promise :) Now enjoy your weekend everyone and have fun in the sun, I know I will. Also wish me luck or pray I get a call saying I have the job. I really need the money. Thanks.

Charmed

Job Hunting

Since losing my job on June 29th I've been actively looking for a job for the past 2 weeks. The first week I mostly sent resumes online and got a couple interviews that way but with out any luck. So this week I decided to go print out some resumes and drop them off around where I live since I don't have a car and the bus cost money. I haven't had any call backs yet, but I'm hoping I get some as soon as possible this week so I can get the interviews done before I leave to go camping on Thursday, since Ill be gone until Wednesday. Although getting a job is really important to me right now, I just cant miss this camping trip. I've been looking forward to doing the annual camping trip with my mom again ever since I left for college 3 years ago. And this camping trip has been planned for over two months now. Hopefully my cell still works where I'm going camping in case I get a call for a job.

I also made an appointment for Tuesday with someone to help me find a job but I realized afterwards that he is probably not going to want to do anything until I get back from camping. I believe he is going to want to wait because that's exactly what he did when I went and seen him around exam time in April. And then what happened was we kept missing each others calls and leaving each other messages until I just ended finding a job with out him. Hopefully this time he is more helpful and helps me during our appointment instead of rescheduling for when I get back. Although I do understand him maybe wanting to wait, he could still send me to places on Wednesday with my resume. But then again I wont be able to interview until I get back so it might be pointless. As long as our appointment is productive Ill be happy. Maybe he can get a sense of what kind of job I'm looking for and I'm qualified for so that while I'm gone he can find some good places for me to apply at when I get back.

I'm just hoping this week isn't a waste of time on getting closer to finding a job specially since I could be at my moms taking care of my brother and spending time with him while my moms out of town helping my aunt move. I would rather be helping my mom then worrying about finding a job. But after thinking about it I realized that getting a job as soon as possible would mean my mom wouldn't have to keep helping me with money and worrying about me as much. I just want to do the right thing, it was such a difficult decision. Id like to start working as soon as I get back since I really need the money and theirs only going to be 1 month left before I go back to school and cut down my hours to only 1 shift or 2 a week. At this point Id take pretty much any job I can find.

Charmed

Drug Free I Finally Notice the Seasons Changing

I believe this is the first spring that I've actually taken the time to notice every little change that this seasons brings. Its even more noticeable in the north where we had such a severe winter. Everyday I would look at the tree in my yard and wait for the leaves to appear little by little. I remember leaving for a weekend and  when I came back it seemed like the tree had grown double if not triple the leaves. I was in awe of these simple leaves growing anew so beautifully every spring. I would also so watch the grass and the plants grow near my house and it seemed like almost overnight they got really tall despite my watchful eye, their growth surprised me.

Every spring I get this immense joy that anything can happen and that great adventures are in my near future. This spring the sensation of excitement and hope are even more prominent then I can remember. I believe having not seen the sun or any of the summer last year has given me a new found appreciation for the wonderful thing that is mother nature. Last summer I worked night shifts from 9:30 pm to 5:30 am which means I slept during daylight for the whole summer. I haven't done any camping or anything adventurous in at lease 4 summers which has given me this extreme determination to make the most of this summer. I definitely do not want to spend my whole summer inside again. 

I just recently got a part time job for the summer because I wanted all the extra time to make the most of my summer despite not having a lot of money I decide to make my priorities different this summer. I've already made plans to enjoy my first fire this weekend, I'm even getting marshmallows. Were going to make a BBQ and have a fire later in the evening. I've also made plans and booked time off the go camping at the end of July with my Mom. I want to hear the waves on the beach and looked at the stars in the sky and I sincerely hope I get to go camping more than once or at lease once more with my boyfriend this summer. My best friend and I also talked about going for a road trip to an amusement park 4-5 hours away. I know that almost every summer I say I want to do all these things but end up not doing it. No matter this summer will be different and I'm already taking action to make sure of that.

The job I got had me a little worried at first but all seems to be going well for now except for not even getting 10 hours this week. Like I know I wanted part time but, wow, 10 hours is just ridiculous. I wanted between 16 and 20 hours but at lease 15 hours. They seemed pretty up tight and strict at first and I kept hearing the same thing from people who had worked at this corner store. They tend to fire people a lot and they say that they won't ever give the person a reason. They also have a lot of rules about personal appearances that I don't really tend to agree with. For example, no visible piercing and no visible tattoos so I have to take mine out and cover my tattoo before every shift. Also my hair has to stay a natural color and I can’t have two different colors in my hair. But whatever I can deal with all that, a job is a job and money is money.

The one thing that’s really bothering me is that they don’t give breaks unless you work more then 5 hours and funny things is they hardly ever put you down on the schedule for more then 5 hours at a time. Oh but hear this, we always have to be there 15 minutes early and we almost always leave 10-15 minutes late which means technically were working more then 5 hours. Oh and because I'm new I have to do all the shitty work, which I think is just crazy at a corner store. Usually tasks are separated equally among the workers, its like that every where else I've worked in the sales industry. I'd understand if it was a corporate office or something of the like but a corner store, its just weird and kinda unfair in my opinion, and probably why they have such a hard time keeping employees. But that could also have to do with the fact that it’s in the worst part of town near where I live so its supposedly gets robbed a lot. Anyways I think I’m going to keep dropping resumes anyways and see if I can’t get a backup plan in case it don’t work out there. 

Despite the job situation I'm still so excited for this summer. I just know it going to be a good summer. I'm enjoying the beautiful weather and the fresh air. I'm enjoying taking walks despite having hurt my ankle really bad 3 weeks ago. It's getting better but not as much as I would of thought after 3 weeks and I know I should probably stay off it but I can't stay inside with this nice weather and I have to be on my feet the whole time I'm at work. Sometimes the pains wakes me up at night so hopefully it gets better soon. I'm really looking forward to that fire and BBQ this weekend. 

Have a great weekend and a great summer everyone!

Charmed

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's day is such a special day, I'm not a mom myself but I know how much mothers are important in our world and how often they go unappreciated when we are children. They are the foundation of our humanity, the rock and glue that holds us up and keeps us together. I'm so happy I got to come down and visit my mom this weekend. I had really missed her and hadn't seen her in over a month. She isn't just my mother she's my best friend and we share this amazing bond. A bond that has grown by leaps and bounds throughout my addiction and recovery. After everything we went through together and having her by my side through it all. The dedication and strength she had to help me get better is just amazing and I don't think she even realizes how great she really is. I can tell her all my secrets and she always has the best advice. She's there when I need her even when I don't ask. She's always thinking of her children and puts them first. Her big heart knows no bounds. She's selfless and strong. She's my mother and I love her. Since I don't have any money this Mother's day I wanted to dedicate a post just for her. Sharing one of my fondest memories of her and a poem I wrote for her.

One Of My Fondest Memory:

One summer about 4-5 years ago we decided to go camping together, something we hadn't done in a very long time. It was an all girls camping trip with two of my aunts who were also camping with us. I remember sharing a tent and cooking on the fire, playing cards late into the night. We had the best time and I was so happy. I had all of my mother attention because none of my brothers or our boyfriends were there. It’s a memory I cherish and hold close to my heart. I'm always hoping we can make a similar memory in the near future. I have brought it up a couple summers in a row now so hopefully we will go this summer just the two of us. I really miss the bonding time we had camping but any time spent with my mom is cherished. I'm so lucky to have such a great mom.

Poem: Dear MOM

You always come to help me 

You always want to be there for me

Even when you shouldn't be able

Your love is truly unconditional

You never gave up on me

When everyone said let it be

You stood by me through it all

Picked me up when I would fall

Thanks to your love and patience 

I have finally found my confidence

I turned out great to everyone dismay

You taught me to be the woman I am today

For all of that and more I have to say

I love you more every single day

You’re not just my mom, you’re my best friend

And you will be in my heart till the very end

Thank You Mom for all that you are to me.

Charmed 

Sea Poem

At 14 years old in 2003, my mom and I made this poem when I kept moving back and forth from my dads who lived 5 hours away. I just found it in my diary and thought I'd share.

~SEA~

Sailing the great sea,

Feeling happy,

If the stars shine bright,

If every things right,

Under the sky, above the sea,

You'll be standing next to me,

If and when things go wrong,

We'll be holding strong,

Cause storms always passes,

Long before a new day begins,

We might of sailed different ways,

 But if it was meant to be,

We'll see each other some day,

Sailing on the same sea,

Charmed

Mental illness: Am I Bipolar ??

Its known that a good majority of people suffering from a mental illnesses suffer alone or might not be aware that their suffering. I've often wondered if I suffer from some kind of mental illness, mostly if I might be bipolar. Its something I'm quite familiar with as my mom was diagnosed as being bipolar when I was in my early teens. But how long had she actually been bipolar before being diagnosed ? I've seen what it did to her and us as a family. I keep telling myself its not like that for me. I don't get irritated or mad at people for no reason and I don't go on shopping sprees but its all so familiar to my current situation. I don't want to be like that, I want to be constant with people, I don't want to hurt or confuse the ones I love. Growing up with it doesn't make me understand it better. And now because I grew up with it I tell myself that's the reason why I think I have it or that I have mood swings. I'm projecting her actions on to me and that I'm not really bipolar. Well it just seems to be causing more doubt then actually helping.

At first I use to think that my mood swings might be a side affect from my drug use. Then I thought it might be something that happens when someone quits drugs and is getting use to sober living. I never wanted to believe that my mood changes were just in my head, because that would mean I had no logical reason to feel the way I felt. I must be sad for a reason, or I don't want to answer my phone because I'm tired or busy, but I am really ? I don't really know and that's the problem. And then sometimes nothing bothers me, I'm positive, laughing and thinking everythings perfect. That's the side everyone sees of course, because that's how I am most of the time and when I am sad I usually don't talk to anyone. If I do I make it quick and tell them I'm tired. And to be honest I really am tired often, I have low energy but then at night I have a hard time sleeping. I blame it on the energy drinks but if I don't drink them I cant get out of bed. Another thing is I rarely hang out with friends anymore. I have good intentions and sometimes make plans but then when that day actually comes I tell myself I'm too tired or I'm uncomfortable and I end up not going. What's weird is that on those rare occasions where I actually do it, I enjoy myself and that doesn't even make it easier the next time.

Whats happening to me ? I can be happy for days the on other days all I want to do is sleep. But their must be another reason for this. Everyone has their off days right. I don't mention this to my mom because honestly I don't think I want an answer. What if I am bipolar, my sadness wont have an importance because it wont be based on anything real. If I argue or I'm emotional about something it will get chalked up to just being bipolar. I really believe that I should be able to control my mood. I want to be happy so I'll be happy. I don't need medication or therapy. I don't have time for therapy anyways, Id never make it to my appointments. I've always been terrible at keeping any kind of appointment. I want to find any other reason possible then being bipolar. My sadness and happy moments aren't as extreme as what people say they should be if I was to be bipolar. I'm like floating around in the middle, so I'm normal, right? Round and Round I go until eventually I stop thinking about for a while. If I actually knew what was going on then I could get help or move on and live with it. I just don't know and the battle between wanting to know and not wanting to know, is making things a lot harder. I need the courage to take the next step, whatever that may be.

I would love any input or comments on this.

Charmed

Hopefully I'm able to overcome this.

The Shock of My Mother Suicide Attempt

Wow! What a heavy subject for me to talk about. I've been trying to avoid this topic for many reasons, but I think it's finally time I acknowledge it, understand how it affected me and let it go. The summer after 9th grade I was enrolled in summer school because I had stopped going to school about half way through my second semester. But after the first day I really didn't want to go to summer school anymore.

On that first day I found out my teacher was a previous junior high teacher that I really didn't get along with. He was always singling me out in religion class because I smoked cigarettes and when I wanted to join the basketball team that he coached he didn't let me pass the try outs because I smoked. He didn't try to help in anyway but made things worst, now that's not a good teacher.

Anyways so the second day I didn't want to go at all but my Mom really wanted me too. So we fought most of the morning until she finally dropped me off at school. We fought often in the morning since we weren't really morning people although she would probably like to think so I left school on my first break to go back home because the teacher was being stupid again trying to make fun of me.

I was almost there when my moms boyfriend passed by me and asked me to get in (that was unusual). I cant really remember what he said to me in car but he must of told me what was going on because when we go to the hospital I jumped out of the car and ran inside looking for my mom. They wouldn't tell me where she was, I felt like no one was telling me anything or maybe I wasn't listening. I was just trying to find my mom.

As soon as the nurse came out of the locked door to the emergency rooms, I ran in. I spotted my mom in the second room, they didn't even have the door shut so I saw her having a seizure, convulsing, eyes rolling in the back of her head, drooling, whoever that was, that definitely wasn't the mom I remembered. I was in utter shock, I was terrified, my mind kinda went blank like I was losing myself, its like my mind locked down and said nooooooo, NO you shouldn't be seeing this.

I turned around to run out but my aunt who had found her stopped me and said see what you did to your mom, this is your fault. WHAT!!?? I didn't even let her respond I ran and ran until I found a phone and called the person I was closest to at the time (the person I still wish I was close too) and asked him to come meet me. Then I only remember running and running and running. That blame stuck with me for a long time, it made me pissed at everyone, all of the time but especially at my aunt and my mom for blaming me.

How ever bad I was before I'd be even worst now, Id give them a reason to blame me. That's when I really stopped caring about what happened to me. Anything I got my hands on I'd do to get high and I was just so very angry. I fought, I yelled, I threw things around or at people. I stopped listening to anyone. I was for a lack of a better word F-ING Pissed. But also at myself for not being a better daughter.

Charmed

Mother Daughter Bonding With Drugs

I came down to visit my mom and dad this weekend and got a ride with my dad in his transport. I only live an hour away so it isn't too far but I still don't get to visit as much lately so I was happy I finally committed to coming down for a weekend. And maybe I'll get a bit of laundry done at my moms while I'm at it ;) haha... I'm such a kid some times. It took a while to actually get my dad to leave once he got me to the office because he started having a beer. After 2-3 hours we finally left and during the ride we were catching up and laughing because my dad was being silly as usual. Now by the time we got to this little town we were at the halfway point and it got a bit more quiet so I was able to look out the window peacefully  That's when I saw the Liquor Store on the right and remembered how a few years back when I was in that parking lot for the first time with my mom trying to cash a bank check to an account with no money in it so we could get pills. Its was like 20 minutes out of town so we didn't know anyone there. They didn't cash our check so we went to a grocery a little farther off the highway in to the town and got a check cash. We went straight back home to get some pills. Its funny how this memory doesn't make me sad but instead I see as a good memory because its time spent bonding with my mom. We bonded lots when we were both on pills its one of the things that I missed the most being sober. Its like we had this common goal and understood each other completely but most of all it was our secret, something only we shared. I'd like to proudly say we are both completely off oxys now and I don't think I could of did it with out her. I got her into pills and she got me out, she truly is amazing. I love you Mom.

Charmed

Bias Opinion

No Addiction Is The Same From One Person To The Other.

What if both parents are addicts but one of them (let's call them M) doesn't let it affect their life and their relationship with you, they keep their word, their there for you when you need them etc. And the other (let's call them D) is controlled by their addiction, they can stay up for days at a time, miss important moments, their not dependable, they don't keep their promises and they to often only care about their problems, etc. Am I delusional for believing that parent M has their addiction under control and I shouldn't worry about it too much. Its difficult for me to tell this parent what their doing is wrong and that they should stop since I was an addict myself, it would make me feel like a hypocrite. I often find myself not knowing what to say to them.   I find myself feeling frustrated with parent D while I'm fine with parent M and can often pretend like their not an addict (until I see clear emotional evidence when they lose patience or get angry fast). That can't be right, holding one responsible for their addiction while letting the other one off the hook. But then I guess I see it as parent D is letting themselves be controlled by their addiction, (I should know that no one lets themselves be controlled by their addiction) his isn't trying hard enough or doesn't care enough, when really I should be thinking that they're the ones who need more help. Funny things is I was more like parent D during my addiction so why can't I find more patience for them. I don't understand these feelings and I don't know what to do to help them or myself with these situation.

Sincerely Charmed