Why Are So Many Recovering Addicts Suffering From Social Anxiety?

Is it Introversion Or Are We Suffering From Social Anxiety?

I think being an introvert makes it even harder to figure out if I suffer from social anxiety, especially if it isn't severe. Since being in recovery, I've had a hard time committing to social gatherings and I avoid talking on the phone like my life depends on it. However, I still enjoy hanging out with a few friends once in a while.

Stop Stigmatizing Recovering Addicts!!

It makes me extremely sad to see how much discrimination and stigma recovering addicts have to face. We have to overcome stigma all the time when making friends, at the doctor's office, when having a baby, and even more so in the workplace. How can it be so pervasive in a society where no one is left untouched by addiction? 

Each one of us have been addicted to something or care about someone who has. Whether it be an addiction to alcohol, cigarettes, internet, sex, porn, being in love, eating or anything else. How can we lack compassion and understanding as a society when we are all affected by it one way or another? I don't get it, having been addicted has made me very compassionate and understanding.

My Body Wasn't This Messed Up When I Was Doing Drugs

I just had a baby (l know, I know its been 4 months) and my body is falling apart. Besides the few stretch marks on my belly that decided to only appear once I had my baby boy, I'm losing my hair in chunks (you should see the size of the balls of hair blowing around my place), I've lost both pinky toenails and I'm getting cavity after cavity among other health problems. Oh and did I forget to mention I've only lost 8 pounds since having my baby 4 months ago. I know, I know it's my fault. I went on a cookie binge after having the little one which was promptly followed by a cashew binge. Haaa you see I told you, totally my fault I'm not losing the weight. Once an addict always an addict. Well for me anyways, I have an addictive personality and I have a difficult time with moderation when I love something. Although if I put my mind to it kicking my problem with food isn't as bad as it could be. 

Recovering Addict Mantra: Getting Back up & Chasing the Dream

When you find something that motivates you, grab on to it and don't let it go. It's incredible when life presents us with clear signs to remind us and to set us back on the right path. I feel like the universe is telling me to kick it up a notch.

Recovery of the Mind and Soul

When life gets busy and I can barely find time to breath, I tend to forget to keep working on me. I've been working on being happier and at peace by changing my perspective, but it takes constant effort to let go of pride, ego, worry and anxiety. I need to remind myself that I'm in control of my thoughts and I can choose to let them go because they're not who I am.

It's the superficial ego that gets caught up in the daily struggles. I'll feel like I'm drowning and instead of getting stuff done I'll shut down and sleep it off or go into this zombie mode. I can't be the only one who's dealt with this.

The Juggling Act of Being a New Mom in Recovery

Being new mom can be difficult enough by itself but add to that recovery and you got a whole new set of challenges. Trying to manage sleep school and taking care of a baby is no small feat, now forget about trying to keep the house clean. I really enjoy being a mom but this juggling act is overwhelming at times.

I've always had low energy and quitting drugs seem to make it worst, not to mention how being on methadone has also messed with my energy levels. If I don't have at least 10 hours of sleep I cant function properly and this is something I've learned to live with and have worked my schedule around. As you can imagine that's not always possible with a little baby to take care of and I often find myself drained, nodding off and feeling guilty that I'm not getting enough school work done or how messy the house is getting.

I'm lucky for the help that I am getting but I still feel like I'm coming up short with my ever growing to do list. I'm getting worried I won't finish my thesis in time and my teacher seems to think the same. I don't like thinking about it because I usually feel like I'm having a panic attack. I only have one class and my thesis left to graduate after being there 5 years so its extremely important to me to finish and graduate. I've worked so hard for it and I'm really trying to make this work. I'm suppose to be getting more help with the baby in the next few weeks so hopefully I can get on top of things. Its just that when I'm not sleeping I'd rather be spending time with little one. :) Baby cuddles are the best

Charmed

To My Addict Friend I Forgive You But I'm Still Letting You Go

I use to think that if I forgave someone it meant that Id have to let that person back into my life and pretend like nothing ever happened. In trying to avoid anymore disappointment and pain Id hold on to that grudge which in the end was just causing me more pain. I've come to realize that forgiving someone doesn't mean I have to allow them into my life again. Actually forgiving them means releasing them from my life completely because I wont be carrying that grudge with me. 

Not many people showed up for my baby shower because I haven't really kept in contact with anyone since leaving to go to university. Life just seemed to get in the way and because I focused all my energy on building a future for myself I ended up letting my social life slide away from me. Even one of my long time best friend who's also pregnant right now decided not to show up to my baby shower at the last minute. 

I thought her out of all people would of showed up and showed her support. Having kept in contact with her over the years despite her rocky path these past few years I was really counting on her to be there. I've distanced myself from her a few times in the past but I'd eventually forgive her thinking things had changed and try to get close again only to be disappointed. I feel like I've given her many chances because I used to be where she is and I understand her struggles. 

At one point I wasn't a good friend either, but O cant let that guilt keep holding me back. There comes a point where I need to just forgive and distance myself until she gets better and wants to be in my life. Even though I don't agree with her life at the moment I don't judge her for her choices. I just don't want to be part of it and end up being disappointed again.

It really makes me sad because being my childhood best friend and one of the only friends I've kept it contact with I was really looking forward to play dates and being first time mommy's together. Our babies being due only a couple months a part it really would of been something special to share with her. I can only hope that things get better for her soon and that she reaches out to me when they do.

Charmed

Dealing with Stress and Addiction Triggers

Being a recovering addict I don't handle stressful situations the same way as most people would. I feel everything so much more deeply and have always had a difficult time dealing with these feelings adequately (which is probably a major reason why I started using drugs in the first place).

Since being in recovery I have this need to be in control of everything in my life or at the very least know what's going on because being in control and having a plan is how I was able to get clean and stay that way. Now if I'm not in control or at least know whats going on I'll stress over it for hours on end. I like having a game plan when it comes to emotional changes and situations in my life. I need it to mentally prepare and stay emotionally stable. Not having or not knowing the plan for these major changes triggers stress and worry beyond belief for me.

It keeps me up at night, especially in this situation with the baby due in 9 weeks and having nothing ready. That's a pretty big emotional and important change coming up in my life and telling me "I'll take care of it" does nothing to sooth my anxiety. I need to be involved and know whats going on.

I started stressing out and worrying about getting everything ready for the baby this week but it was kept somewhat under control because we had been planning on waiting for my baby shower to know what I was getting before we started buying anything. I was a little disappointed by how little people showed up to my baby shower and by the small amount of stuff I got. I do appreciate what I got though and I'm grateful for the people who did show up but I'm still missing all the big items and so much of the smaller items, that I'm freaking out all over again.

The logical part of me knows its not that bad. We got enough money to buy a crib and maybe even a dresser, plus my mom's giving me her rocking chair so nursery furniture is taken care of. My cousin who planned the baby shower and my aunt gave me a huge baby basket with a lot of useful stuff. My cousin also gave me some stuff she already had like a newborn car seat, swing and baby tub. I also got a baby seat that vibrates and can be used to feed baby in, with a few pieces of different size clothes from the other people who attended.

I'm suppose to also get a stroller, a basinet, a playpen and some other stuff from my family out of town but I have no idea when or if it will happen and that what worries me. Not knowing exactly what else I'm getting and not having everything I need here with me now is a big part of what's bothering me and that has everything to do with needing to be in control.

On top of all that I don't really know all the things that I need for the baby and how I'm going to afford it. I don't feel prepared but I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions and try to relax. I'm working on just having faith that everything will turn out fine. Writing about it here really helps. And maybe you guys can comment and let me know some essential stuff I might need during the first few months so I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost.

I know I'm going to need more newborn clothes, diapers, breast pump, bottles, bottle brush, infant detergent, baby carrier, burp cloths, blankets, toys etc. Let me know what you needed in the first few months. Thanks.

Charmed

Children's Aid: Never Where Their Needed The Most

I was recently informed by my doctor that I'd have to call Children's Aid before my due date to let them know I'm clean and provide them with a letter from my doctor informing them that I'm stable. I'm not happy about this for many reasons but mainly because I know way too many bad things about Children's Aid and how they operate, plus I feel like its unfair that I have to defend myself and prove to them that I'm clean. Kind of feels like prejudice to me, specially because it wont just stop at a letter from my doctor. They will start asking a million and one questions about my life trying to find some reason to become more involved. Or at least that's been what I've known them to do.

I know that their just doing their jobs by making sure I'm clean and I should be happy that their protecting children from unhealthy homes where parents do drugs. The problem is they often get involved in cases where the child is doing fine and cause the family trouble. Sadly I've heard this kind of situation happening from many families. So it probably won't stop with just having to give them a letter. Even though I have nothing to hide I feel like they will put me under a microscope and judge every little thing until they can find something to cause me trouble. 

Also I think about my own childhood and how although my parents weren't perfect and addiction was involved taking me away from them would of caused more harm then good. I probably would of became severely depressed being taken away from my parents.I remember when I was younger a worker came to talk to me at my home and it was just a terrible experience. He came in acting like he owned the place and started telling me I wasn't a good kid for not listening to my mom. It did nothing to help my situation that's for sure.

My partner also had a not so pleasant run in with them when he had his daughter with his ex. The guy worker that came over to talk to his ex started hitting on her and asked her out. Making my hubby sound like a bad guy for not being home because he was working out of town. Thankfully this worker lost his job. Another example, would be them harassing my Dad and trying to take my little brother away. They demanded a drug test 5 times in the past 2 years because he past each time the last time he made sure to tell them if they bothered him again he would be pressing charges. I don't know how that works or if he can press charges but I hope something can be done about bad workers and their flawed system.

I believe in having something in place to protect children but our children's aid system seriously needs work to be just and effective. Hopefully they don't give me any problems when I give them my doctors letter and they don't question me because knowing myself I'll get defensive and pissed. My diplomacy skills do need work I'll admit that LOL. I'll keep you guys all updated on how it goes. Anybody else here have had experience with Children's Aid ?Good or Bad, let me know in the comments below, please. Thanks for listening to me vent and rant, you guys are awesome :D

Check out this story about a mother who lost her child from the time he was born until he was 9 months old when she finally won her case against CAS for being on methadone. They took the child at the hospital and told her she couldn't have custody until she got off methadone.

http://atforum.com/2011/08/advocates-help-new-moms-in-methadone-treatment/#.UPb0CMYsbYo.pinterest

Charmed

Can We Ever Fully Recover From Addiction ?

I've always wondered if us addicts could fully recover from our addictions or if we would forever be in recovery. I've come to realize that opinions on this vary a lot and this might be because we don't all have the same idea of what being recovered means. Even I've changed my opinion about it more then once. I used to think that fully recovering from an addiction was possible because I thought being recovered meant no more urges to do that drug of choice or that specific behavior.

I haven't had the urge to do drugs in a very long time. I can even be around it and not want any whatsoever. I thought that meant I was recovered but recently I've come to believe that although I might be recovered from my coke and oxy addiction, I will always have an addictive personality. That means I'll always need to be aware of my emotional state and Ill have to regularly keep track of my thought patterns, which means I'll always be in recovery. I really don't mind that because recovery for me means keeping myself happy.

To me recovery has always been practicing self care, keeping track of my feelings and analyzing why I feel the way I do, controlling my negative thoughts and practicing positive thoughts and self image. So basically working on staying happy and how to get there if I'm not. My recovery isn't just about drugs but about being happy and healthy. Its about growing and moving past the emotional trauma I've experienced. After 6 years I might be recovered from my drug addiction but for me recovery will always be part of my life.

What's your opinion on being able to fully recover from addiction ? 

 Yours Truly Charmed ;)

Have You Ever Been Bored in Recovery ?

I believe most recovering addicts had to deal with this at some point so I thought I'd write a post about how I overcame being bored when I first started my recovery process. This is a serious issue some of us face and has even led to some relapses for me. Once I stopped continuously searching for a way to get more drugs, which is a very consuming task, I had all this free time on my hands. I went from having something to do 24/7 to having nothing to do. It was a major change that I hadn't anticipated. I was constantly plagued with the feeling of being bored and it wasn't that I couldn't find anything to do but that nothing seemed interesting to me, and that put me on edge.

Boy, did that ever make me feel guilty. I was finally blessed with being sober and I felt bored. One of the worst parts about being bored is that all my thoughts came rushing to the forefront of my mind with no distractions to keep them at bay. It was way easier to only have to deal with my thoughts a little bit at a time but when I was bored they were ALL very present and very real. It was difficult to take it all in and sometimes Id relapse just to avoid all these thoughts rushing in at once. I knew I had to find something to keep me busy because I was determined to get clean and stay that way.

To try and help with the boredom I started thinking about what I use to like doing before I became a full blown addict. I also started thinking about what goals I wanted to achieve and what my dreams and aspirations were for my future. I needed to find things that inspired me and got me motivated which wasn't all that easy at first, nothing seemed interesting. Finding something to get you interested is going to be different for everyone but for me the process of moving past this initial boredom was when I picked up a book for the first time in years. I used to love reading growing up and rediscovering this long time passion really got me out of that rut of initial boredom.

After that everything slowly started getting better as I found more and more things to inspire and motivate me. Deciding to go to back to school was a big part of the recovery process. I needed to build a future for myself and what better reason than that to get motivated. So now I had reading and schooling to keep me company. I finally felt like I was being productive and I had something to be proud of. Soon after I was motivated to get a part time job and getting close with my family again. Something I wasn't ready for at the beginning of my recovery because I needed time to heal before putting myself out there again. Especially with a family who is well acquainted with drugs of all kinds.

This is different for everyone but if your faced with this feeling of boredom and contemplating using again to get away from that nagging feeling of having nothing to do and nothing interest you, or to keep all those thoughts from overwhelming you, I urge you to keep looking for your passion. Something that motivates you. Think about your future. Stay sober and keep looking for that one thing that inspires you, I promise it will all be worth it.

PS. Here's a little something I learned from one of my research papers at school.

Life in recovery isn't boring, that's your brain playing tricks on you. The chemicals in your brain that make you happy and make things interesting are reduced when your first starting recovery because most drugs provide these chemicals and your brain gets use to not having to produce them naturally. When you get sober you won't be receiving the chemicals provided by your drug of choice anymore and it will take your brain sometime to naturally start producing them again. Just give it time and soon enough your brain will realize it needs to start producing them naturally because you won't be giving it these chemicals.

Much Love, Charmed

Still Feeling the Effects of My Total Meltdown

I don't know why certain things affect me so much and pretty much cause me to have a meltdown/panic attack that last for hours. Some bad situations just rock me to the core. I've always known I'm a really sensitive person and being pregnant and all hormonal probably didn't help but some of the things people do just really get to me.

One minute I'm super excited listening to tunes while waiting for my hubby to get home from work so we can go do some grocery shopping in our new car that we just put on the road today. This meant I'd get to practice my driving for my full licence that I plan on going for at the end of the month. AND THEN I get a text from my boss saying I've gotten complaints from customers and workers that your not working as good as you use to so take this week to relax and you will have back your normal hours next week.

LIKE SERIOUSLY WTF!! Of course I'm not as good as I use to be I'm 6 month pregnant, hello!! I was their best employee for god knows how long and they only one they trusted to open the store on weekends and this is how they treat me. I have 3 weeks left with them until I leave due to my pregnancy and I told them, many times now, that I needed as many hours as possible before I leave. Raising a baby isn't cheap!

Extremely hurt, I proceeded to ask her what I had done wrong so I could fix it and she didn't want to tell me until I came in to pick up my check on Friday. AGAIN WTF! So you tell me something like that and then decide to not tell me what really wrong, so I can then worry about it for days and have my mind think of all the worst possible scenarios. NOT FUCKING COOL! Pardon my language. But she does know I'm pregnant right, its kind of obvious at this point. I've been there longer then everyone beside the manager and one day staff. Why would she stress me out and do this to me when I only have 3 weeks left there.

I know for a fact that I'm a better worker then half the people there. I've been doing this job for over 4 years and I take pride in my work. I've been told by my bosses numerous times how much of a good job I'm doing but now that I'm pregnant they cant be a little understanding. My boss even told me 2 weeks ago I couldn't take the weekend off for my baby shower because she was getting married. That she needed me and that she only trusted me to open the store. So I had to cancel the day that worked best for me and everyone else for my baby shower because of her and now she does this.

How is all of this fair in anyway. I just don't get it. I cried over this pretty much all day.i even had a panic attack on the bathroom floor, home by myself worrying my ass off about money. I was angry, bitter and sad. I came so very close to texting her back and just saying you know what I quit. If you don't appreciate me and your going to pull this shit. I QUIT! But after thinking about it a lot I didn't because I really need the money. I was hoping Id be making money off my blog by now, but the ads aren't really selling much, and I guess I'm fine with that because that's not why I blog. Its just an added bonus. Anyways I decided to see what she had to say on Friday and if it still bothered me this much I was going to give her a piece of my mind and tell her I quit.

What do you guys think?

Sincerely Charmed

PS: I think this is the perfect opportunity to try and sell some of the healing trees I hand make with crystals that have natural healing properties on ebay again. Hopefully this time I actually sell some :)

PSS: I recently came across 2 blogs that have quickly become my Top Favorite Blogs. Great Post about Addiction, Recovery and everything in between by Amazing Supportive Individuals. If you like this blog then please go check them out, I guarantee you wont regret it.
The Secret Slayer
The Methadone Maze

Is There Anybody Out There??

I've been dwelling on the fact that theirs probably only a very little amount of people that read my blog anymore. I don't even remember the last time someone commented on one of my post. That's probably somewhat my fault for disappearing months at a time here and there when I get busy with school. I know it shouldn't matter too much if not many people read my posts and I just should do it for myself and that's true. I want to be able to look back in years from now and see what I was thinking about at the time, but I already have a journal for that. I could do it to improve my writing but I find I'm more motivated to write good posts when I know people will be reading them. Its important to me to reach out to others and create some kind of support system with people who have dealt with addiction in their lives. A lot of the time I think of things I'd like to write about but then I think why bother no one will read it anyways. Here's to hoping that if I keep up with my writing at least once a week like Ive been doing Ill get more readers and more comments to let me know you guys are there and enjoying my posts.This is my 100th posts. :)  Have a great weekend everyone.

Charmed

Being A Pregnant Recovering Addict on Methadone

It's really hard for me to be open to people about being on methadone because of the negative stigma attached to it and now that I'm pregnant its even worst. Most people who aren't well informed about methadone seem to automatically think I'm a bad mother or that theirs going to be something wrong with my baby. I've personally seen many people on methadone have babies and all of them were perfect little bundles of joy. Being on meth is better than being on drugs and stopping meth or tapering off could lead to a miscarriage so trust me when I say I've looked into it and I'm doing the best I can for my little baby. I was tapering off before I got pregnant but I stopped when I found out because I didn't want to cause anymore stress on the baby and my body then it was already going through.

That being said its not easy being on methadone, my pharmacy totally screwed up my dose couple weeks ago and I went into major withdrawal for a week because they refused to fix it until my next pick up date. I hadn't felt that bad in a very long time. I can't explain the symptoms to someone whose never had them but I promise you their terrible and being pregnant made it all that much worst. I couldn't even take anything for it besides Tylenol which didn't really help and I was hesitant to take even that.

I've been taken by surprise by how much people expect pregnant women to follow these strict rules and get judge so negatively if they don't. Their so many dos and donts that I wasn't even aware of and how harsh some people can be if they find out your not doing or avoiding certain things. For example, the big issue about smoking when pregnant is so frowned upon that women posting in forums asking for advice on how to cut down or quit are met with rude comments. If their reactions were that rude to smoking I can just imagine how bad it would be if someone were to mention they were on methadone.

These people say things like just quit its your babies life, don't you care, your such a bad mother. Do they not know how these comments can really affect a pregnant hormonal person who's already worrying her but off about her babies health and safety. Like if it was that easy don't you think they would of done it already. I honestly think as a society we need to lay off the judgement and instead help each other out and accept peoples choices, that includes even me. Most of us are just doing the best we can and the judging doesn't help. I always try an remember that when I feel like judging someone for doing things differently than me.

This Post was Published On KLEN + SOBR Go Check it out :)

I've found that it helped to know as much as possible about methadone and pregnancy so I could answer any comments or questions people gave me. What I've found is this:

Is methadone safe for my baby?

Methadone treatment for pregnant women has been studied for the past 40 years and is considered the “gold standard” of treatment for pregnant women with opiate use disorder. Most babies born exposed to methadone have withdrawals and the hospital has medications to help the baby stay comfortable and manage withdrawal symptoms. If you stop using opiates suddenly you could miscarry, therefore it’s important to enter treatment if you are using illicit opiates or continue your medication-assisted treatment if you were in treatment when you became pregnant.

What if I want to taper off methadone?
Tapering is not recommend while you are pregnant, but you can always talk the medical staff at your treatment center about this issue. Being pregnant can be a very exciting and wonderful experience, but it can also be very stressful and scary. Tapering can add to that stress and some people have urges to use when they taper, even when they aren’t pregnant. Many pregnant patients feel it’s not worth the chance of relapsing, feeling withdrawals, and possibly miscarriage, so they decide to discuss tapering options after they give birth.

What about my dose…should I try to stay below a certain amount?

The most important thing to think about is how are you feeling physically. It’s important to take a dose of methadone that will keep you from having withdrawals or cravings for 24 hours (we call this a therapeutic level of methadone). When you first begin methadone treatment it may take a bit of time before you reach a therapeutic level. There is no certain number of milligrams you should try to stay below. There is no clear evidence that if you stay below a certain level of methadone will guarantee your infant will not have withdrawal symptoms.

Because of the changes in your body during pregnancy, it’s not uncommon for women to need an increase in their methadone during the third trimester. With that said, you can most likely return to your pre-pregnancy dose after you deliver.

http://www.methadoneandpregnancy.com/?page_id=21#1

Explaining this too people who might judge me for being on methadone or tell me to stop seems to have helped and I hope it helps you also. Its also important to remember that some people minds can't be change as they rather stay close minded and set in their ways so dont let people opinions affect you too much. I know its hard I'm still having problems with this.

Charmed

Love is Hard Work

Relationships often challenge us to redefine ourselves. We must find a way to compromise and learn each others sensitive issues so that we may handle them with care. All our faults tend to come out in a close relationship. Our communication issues, our trust issues, our commitment issues, or self esteem issues. They all tend to come out and as hard as that can be on the relationship it gives us the opportunity to better ourselves by taking a look at our issues and working on them. Having gotten pregnant right at the beginning of my current relationship let me tell you all my issues are intensified specially in the first three months when my emotions were all over the place. Its not as bad now but still have a few kinks to work out. 

Its hard accepting that things change in a relationship, that it won't be like it was in the beginning. Something's that are said in the beginning to impress one another end up creating expectations that often lead to disappointment if we put too much trust in those first moments when people tend to portray who they want to be rather than who they really are. It took me a bit to realize that's how things are and that it is what it is. I try to be more tolerant and not expecting too much and so far its helped our relationship a lot.

I got better at not dwelling on how good things were in the beginning and wishing it was still like that because that made me resentful and angry which was only making things worst. I felt like I had been manipulated to fall in love and once I had that effort stopped. I felt like the relationship was disappointing but that's only because I was comparing it to how good it was in the beginning but when I started comparing it with past relationships and other relationships I've seen I realized our relationship wasn't that bad after all. It was actually pretty damn good. Don't get me wrong we still have our ups and downs but its filled with love and caring which makes it all worth it.

I know I have had troubles in my past two major relationships to see the good in my relationships, to appreciate what I had and for some reason I always felt like I deserved better. I don't know why I was this way and since realizing it I have gotten better at taking a moment to appreciate the good that I know was there all along I just never paid it much attention. Now I want to focus on the positive not just for me but for the little baby on the way. I want a stable, calm, loving, accepting environment to raise our baby in. I want to show them to see the beauty in life and appreciate all the positive that is sent our way. Wish me luck.

Charmed

Emotional rollercoaster

This pregnancy is really taking its toll on my emotions. I've been all over the place. Getting irritated faster, getting hurt and crying easily, things just bother me more than usual. My hubby is really sweet and does a lot for me but when I get irritated or hurt he gets on the defense easily because he is sensitive which ends up making the situation worst. Don't get me wrong I love that he is sensitive because it makes him more romantic, more understanding, more caring, it means that he understand me in a way most people couldn't. I would never change that about him. But were also both pretty stubborn on top of being sensitive, sooo not the best combination and the result of this is that we tend to fight for the last word way longer than we should.

A perfect example of how much my emotions are all over the place would be when I cried because mcdonalds stop making supper at 4am so I couldn't get a Big Mac, which is funny cause I rarely eat Mcdonalds, like maybe 4 times a year. Its not really my thing but I was really craving a Big Mac. Just like today when I was craving apples and caramel I got off work early thinking the store would be open until 9pm so I could stop and get some before heading home but nope it was close and I just stood there feeling lost and not knowing what to do. Thankfully now that I'm in my second trimester things have calmed down. I'm still so tired though and working a 9 hour shift on my feet is hard. I wish I could work shorter shifts. Its so hard to get out of bed sometimes.

Yours Charmed

Poem: The Love of A Soulmate

In my heart forever will you stay,
Ever since that Christmas Day,
For the first time ever, I saw my forever,
Something we could build together.

Looking into a crowd and you’re all I see,
Nobody but you means this much to me,
The love you show me everyday
Keeps all the fear and pain away

All because I have found myself in you,
All of what I am I see mirrored in you,
It seems we have always been connected,
Waiting for our bodies and souls to be united.

Every time we are together,
It’s from one extreme to the other,
Our love and passion is so intense,
Gives me a feeling of time in suspense.

Our minds are linked by invisible ties,
That when I look into your eyes,
The whole world disappears,
No doubt, no fear.

To my one true Love and Father of the growing baby in my tummy D <3

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Charmed

Who Would of Thought An Addict Could Get This Far?!

I often put myself down like I'm not good enough and I forget how amazing I really am. This is something that affects so many aspects of my life. I tend to get hurt easily by others criticisms and I cant openly admit anything negative about myself without it impacting my self esteem in a bad way. So let this be a reminder to myself of just how far I've come. Their are times where I still catch myself in awe of how much my life has changed in the last 5 years and this really helps me realize I'm not a nobody but that I am a strong independent survivor.

This is a list of stuff I've gone through and made it on the other side since getting sober and doesn't include all the shit I went through that drove me to drug abuse in the first place. I've been sober over 6 years, well I think, I don't really keep track of that anymore. Anyways after I got sober I got a part time job to afford my own place again, I went back to high school and graduated with an 85% average and then got accepted to all the universities I had applied to. As amazing as that was that meant I was going to be alone for the first time and although I had moved out when I was 15 for a couple years before moving back to my moms, I had never truly been alone. My boyfriend had been with me ever since I had moved out at 15. We were together for 6 years, imagine that but we ended up growing a part, just like that. Lovers one day strangers the next. Well at least that how it feels. I decided to quit drugs and got sober but he didn't and then lied about it, after so much of trying to help him and stick it through I kinda gave up and became distant. Leaving for university meant I was going to be alone for the very first time and that really terrified me. All on my own in a new city, the idea was absolutely terrifying, but I did it. I made the choice and followed through with it. I made it all on my own and it was so liberating. It boosted my confidence and proved to myself and everyone else that ever doubted me that I could make it and that I DID!

After 8 months of being on my own I met someone who I ended up spending 3 years with. The damaged he caused to my confidence ran deep. He made me feel like I couldn't make it without him and I couldn't see a life beyond him. I thought I'd never ever have the strength to leave him. I had tried more than once but I always ended up going back. After trying to leave a couple times and it not working I had finally given up on that idea completely when I reconnected with an old friend at Christmas. All the while thinking that although this man was amazing and perfect for me I doubted I could really leave my boyfriend. I just couldn't see myself living without him. It wasn't just about not wanting to be alone anymore (I had the opportunity to not be alone and be with someone else plenty of times), I was emotionally invested and I knew leaving him would really hurt and it ended up hurting more then I thought it would. But I did it, I packed my stuff and left. I made the plans to go through with it and although I kept thinking I'd back out any minute, I didn't. I stayed strong and followed my instincts. The pain afterwards was almost unbearable and it took an enormous amount of strength to deal with and not go back.

Also when I found out I was pregnant I got really scared that I'd have to give up on my dreams. I was scared of my life changing in ways I wasn't really ready for. I had just moved in with that old friend I had reconnected with (and absolutely fallen in love with) and I needed time to grieve my past relationship, adjust and rebuild my new relationship (still kinda do need those things). I needed, and still need, stability. I was so worried about losing everything I had invested in my education, all the money and the time. It was a pretty significant amount but I pulled my big girl pants on and decided to face the situation head on (well not without some groaning and moaning on my part, lol). I sat down and figured a way to make my education work with this unexpected surprise on the way. Not to mention that after I got over the fear of losing things that were important to me at the time I got pretty excited when I realized exactly what I was gaining. Now I even have this fierce determination to protect and give this child the best life possible, its not so much about me anymore. Its weird how my way of thinking changed all of a sudden and I can only just imagine how much more that feeling is going to set in once my baby is actually born. Its hard and scary but I'm making it work because I'm strong, determined, resourceful and caring. So this will all work out, I'll make sure of it!

I would also like to add that all these accomplishments wouldn't of been possible without the support from the people closest to me. It made all the difference and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart <3<3<3

Charmed

The Unexpected Surprise! I'm Pregnant!

I didn't see this one coming that's for sure. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me being pregnant. I would have said no way, not possible, I have to finish my last year of university first. I thought I was being careful but in the heat of the moment when I thought I couldn't possibly ovulating 2 days after my period ended so we slipped and boom I'm pregnant from just that one time. It's true it only takes that one time. We’re guessing the baby was conceived between the 24th to the 26th of February, and the first day of my last period was on the 18th of February. I'm happy it’s with someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I know he will make an amazing father. We were already planning on getting married right after my graduation in the summer of 2015 and having kids shortly after that. It just happened a little sooner than anticipated which will be hard on my schooling but hopefully still doable. Finishing my school is really important to me since I've already spent four years in university and racked up a pretty big debt I got a lot invested in finishing. Thankfully my hubby doesn't mind finding a job that will give him the hours he needs to be at home while I'm at school or taking parental leave.

Even though this was a pretty big unexpected surprise that we weren't ready for, when I took the first test a little early, 2-3 days after my expected period, and it turned out negative I was a little disappointed. Although relieved because I knew this wouldn't be the right time I still longed for a family. It’s something I wanted and I suppose that's probably the reason we weren't as careful as we could have been. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason. When the second test turned positive I was sitting in the bathroom and a big smile came across my face. Trying to hold the smile back I walk up to my hubby with the straightest face I could muster up and handed him the pee stick he had just went and bought for me. I couldn't believe how happy he was, like I knew he wanted a family with me but we have only been together since January. I can't believe how fast things are moving and I think that's a major reason why I'm nervous and a little scared. I'm happy, nervous, scared, excited, and anxious and all these other emotions combined. I've been so emotional lately I feel extra sensitive and things hurt me easily. I'm also easily irritated and bitchy. I believe and hope that the hormones are the reason with have been arguing more lately. It's so stressful and scares me all the more. I don't want a child around all this arguing so I really hope this is just a phase.

Well I got referred to an OBGYN by my methadone doctor and he is sending me to get blood work done sometime next week. I was going down on my meth but started feeling really sick this past week so went back up again to the dose I was originally at. As for the baby, he is due Nov 26th and we think it might be a boy but either way we want both so it doesn't really matter. We have picked Ethan for a boy and Autumn or Alexis for a girl. I can't wait to go for the ultra sound but that's not for another couple weeks since I'm only 6 weeks pregnant. My mom bought me a pregnancy journal that I've already started filling out and we told quite a few people already which has me a little worried because anything can happen in the first 3 months. The stresses about money that I blogged about, aren't helping both because he isn’t working yet and my student loans are all gone. Plus the fact that we have over 1000$ in bills kind of has me freaking out. So I'm hoping I sell a couple of the healing trees I made on eBay and make some extra money. I am working all weekend, Friday to Monday, not sure how that's going to be on the body especially with the methadone not being adjusted to what I needed at yet. I feel nauseous and tired often. Well I hope all goes well and things get better. Fingers crossed.

Addiction Recovery Reflections

Bearing it all out there, flaws and all for everyone to see, as my first step to changing and growing and this started all because of that one special person in my life that I want to make feel love and worth it beyond what mere words can express. You make me want to be a better person.

One Must Know In Order to Grow,

In Order to Grow One Must Know.

I've known for a while now that I have a couple major flaws that affect many areas of my life but most of all my close relationships. I'm very stubborn, I have a hard time taking blame or responsibility and I assume things which end up hurting me. I know this is brought on by deep emotional insecurities of not being good enough. I assume that people think the worst because that's how I see myself and I can't take blame because that will somehow make me less. I've been trying to change the way I see myself and value myself more so that I might be able to be confident enough to take responsibility and not to assume the worst. This really trying to change only came about recently when I fell in love with someone just as stubborn as me. This makes arguments very, very intense but so is our love for each other and that's the reason why I want to change instead of giving up. In the past I've been in relationships with men who eventually learnt to let me win arguments so I've never had reason to change. It’s extremely hard for me to own up to something especially when I feel like the other person played their part in it also. Part of this is because of my trust issues and feel like if I give in that maybe I'm being manipulated. I feel like they’re the reason I felt and acted that way and that's what makes it difficult for me to own up to it. I know that way of thinking is part of the problem and instead of thinking that way I need to start accepting the fact that although their actions caused me to feel a certain way it wasn't their intention to make me feel that way. I need to accept that fact and own up to over reacting or taking it the wrong way. But what would be even better would be to prevent the whole situation by simply not assuming or jumping to conclusions. I need to ask questions and get clarification in a calm manner and maybe avoid the argument in the first place. I know that this is the quick fix and still doesn't address the cause of the issue in the first place which would be my insecurity that I'm not good enough. This is a slow process for me and won’t be done overnight because this insecurity is rooted deep in me and I'm hypersensitive to the words and actions of the ones I care about. I need to find a way to get to the root cause of all this and decide what to do to change it. In order to grow one must first know.

Sincerely Charmed