How Can a Pregnant Teacher Dismiss Postpartum Struggles

Some people just won’t take mental illness seriously! Surprisingly one of those people ended up being my psychology professor. You would think a pregnant psychology professor would be more sympathetic towards a new mom suffering from a mild case of postpartum depression, but no, not even a doctor’s note would make her sympathetic to my situation.

Being a new mom in recovery, I wasn’t going to self-medicate to make myself feel better just to keep up with her demands. What’s even more disturbing is that she continually made things harder for me and graded my work like she had a grudge against me. To this day I can only speculate as to what was going through her mind.

Was she thinking that postpartum depression was only temporary and common so it wasn’t that serious? Was she thinking the Doctor only had my word on how I was feeling and what I was experiencing so it was too subjective for her to take seriously? Maybe she thought I was exaggerating the situation or that I didn’t seem ill so it couldn't be that bad.

I guess some people think postpartum depression and other mental illnesses aren’t real. I don't understand why. Everyone's struggle is real for them. Sometimes we don't even know what's going on in our own minds so how are we supposed to explain it to someone else. I didn’t want to share my past with her and explain to her that I was a recovering addict and that made things all the more difficult for me. I seriously thought a doctor’s note would suffice.

Recovering Addict Mantra: Getting Back up & Chasing the Dream

When you find something that motivates you, grab on to it and don't let it go. It's incredible when life presents us with clear signs to remind us and to set us back on the right path. I feel like the universe is telling me to kick it up a notch.

The Juggling Act of Being a New Mom in Recovery

Being new mom can be difficult enough by itself but add to that recovery and you got a whole new set of challenges. Trying to manage sleep school and taking care of a baby is no small feat, now forget about trying to keep the house clean. I really enjoy being a mom but this juggling act is overwhelming at times.

I've always had low energy and quitting drugs seem to make it worst, not to mention how being on methadone has also messed with my energy levels. If I don't have at least 10 hours of sleep I cant function properly and this is something I've learned to live with and have worked my schedule around. As you can imagine that's not always possible with a little baby to take care of and I often find myself drained, nodding off and feeling guilty that I'm not getting enough school work done or how messy the house is getting.

I'm lucky for the help that I am getting but I still feel like I'm coming up short with my ever growing to do list. I'm getting worried I won't finish my thesis in time and my teacher seems to think the same. I don't like thinking about it because I usually feel like I'm having a panic attack. I only have one class and my thesis left to graduate after being there 5 years so its extremely important to me to finish and graduate. I've worked so hard for it and I'm really trying to make this work. I'm suppose to be getting more help with the baby in the next few weeks so hopefully I can get on top of things. Its just that when I'm not sleeping I'd rather be spending time with little one. :) Baby cuddles are the best

Charmed

I Need To Get My Shit Together

For the past week, I haven't been doing much of anything except sleeping and its starting to really get to me. I remember this feeling of being tired all the time when I first started my recovery and it was pretty bad, but not as bad as this. I'm literally sleeping anywhere from 15 to 18 hours a day. I'm sure being pregnant is playing a big part in me being tired and I haven't been eating the best lately either. I don't have the time or the energy to make anything to eat so I end up eating take out, and let me tell you I'm getting sick of take out. The place is a mess, we have no more clean dishes, and the bathroom and floors really need to be cleaned. I just don't know where to start. I don't even have the energy to argue with my hubby about him lending a hand. I've tried that many times and it rarely works.

I might be this tired because I haven't been taking my maternal vitamins for a month or so. If I don't see them I forget to take them (out of sight, out of mind). I couldn't find them since I got back from camping in July. Funny thing is they were right on my dresser behind some other bottles the whole time. Today's the third day since I've started taking them again and I'm hoping they fix the problem. I don't know how long I have to wait for them to start working but if I don't see an improvement by this Friday I'll be contacting my Obgyn. Another possibility might be the rapid weight gain this month. When I went to the OB this week I found out I had gained 8 pounds in the last month which is a lot compare to the 5 pounds that I had gained in the first 5 months of my pregnancy. This might also be why I'm so sore lately too. Back, legs and stomach pain, plus headaches, nausia and heartburn. All part of being pregnant.

Besides cleaning that badly needs to get done I have some important things I need to do before school starts next week and I just can't seem to find the energy to get around to it. I'm really scared that I'm still going to be this tired once school starts. What am I going to do? Has anyone else every dealt with being tired either in recovery or because of pregnancy ? If so please let me know how you got over it. I don't think I can take it much longer, so much needs to get done. I'll try and make a list tomorrow and deal with one thing on the list at a time. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm happy I've been able to keep up with my blogging at least because that's one thing that definitely makes me happy and soothes me. It be a total dream if I could eventually become a full time blogger.

Charmed

Its Official, I'm Having a Boy!!

It feels like I've been waiting for this all year. I finally found out I'm having a baby boy Nov. 18, a lil Scorpio we decided to name Chase. My mom and hubby came to the ultrasound with me on Thursday. It was really amazing seeing my baby and how big he's getting. We all got to find out it was a boy at the same time when he finally uncrossed his legs and showed us his boy part. 

I had been telling everyone it was a little boy ever since I found out I was pregnant. Its like my intuition just knew but I would of been happy either way, I just want a healthy baby and so far everything looks good. I went to the OBGYN this afternoon an she said everything look really good. I gained 4-5 pounds total since the beginning of my pregnancy and I'm now 22 weeks pregnant. The babies heart beat today was 147 and last time it was 154. Chase is about a pound and 11 inches. I really can't wait to meet him, but it does also scare me. I'm a natural worrier, I worry about everything excessively so worrying about being able to provide for my little one is nothing new.

Its my mom's first grand child and she's planning my baby shower with my cousin which I really really appreciate. I decided I wanted a galaxy theme with planets, stars and the moon. Its all getting so exciting but I'm also getting really anxious. It feels like I'm not prepared and everything's happening so fast. I wish me and my hubby could start shopping and getting the room ready but we want to wait and see what I'll be getting at the baby shower first because we don't have that much money to begin with and once I stop working, money going to be tight. I'm still working about 20-25 hours a week and its getting really hard but I want us to get a car before I take some time off. It really helps that my hubby has a decent job, it will keeps us going until I start working again. 

I'll probably stop working when I go back to school this September to finish my thesis which I'm also worried about not getting done because of the pregnancy and with the baby on the way but I'm really determined to get my diploma so I can provide a good life for my lil one. It's all going to be really hard but I just have to stay motivated and determined. Now I'm off to do some homework for my online courses I've been taking this summer,the exam are at the end of the month, so got to get to it. :)

Charmed

The Unexpected Surprise! I'm Pregnant!

I didn't see this one coming that's for sure. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me being pregnant. I would have said no way, not possible, I have to finish my last year of university first. I thought I was being careful but in the heat of the moment when I thought I couldn't possibly ovulating 2 days after my period ended so we slipped and boom I'm pregnant from just that one time. It's true it only takes that one time. We’re guessing the baby was conceived between the 24th to the 26th of February, and the first day of my last period was on the 18th of February. I'm happy it’s with someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I know he will make an amazing father. We were already planning on getting married right after my graduation in the summer of 2015 and having kids shortly after that. It just happened a little sooner than anticipated which will be hard on my schooling but hopefully still doable. Finishing my school is really important to me since I've already spent four years in university and racked up a pretty big debt I got a lot invested in finishing. Thankfully my hubby doesn't mind finding a job that will give him the hours he needs to be at home while I'm at school or taking parental leave.

Even though this was a pretty big unexpected surprise that we weren't ready for, when I took the first test a little early, 2-3 days after my expected period, and it turned out negative I was a little disappointed. Although relieved because I knew this wouldn't be the right time I still longed for a family. It’s something I wanted and I suppose that's probably the reason we weren't as careful as we could have been. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason. When the second test turned positive I was sitting in the bathroom and a big smile came across my face. Trying to hold the smile back I walk up to my hubby with the straightest face I could muster up and handed him the pee stick he had just went and bought for me. I couldn't believe how happy he was, like I knew he wanted a family with me but we have only been together since January. I can't believe how fast things are moving and I think that's a major reason why I'm nervous and a little scared. I'm happy, nervous, scared, excited, and anxious and all these other emotions combined. I've been so emotional lately I feel extra sensitive and things hurt me easily. I'm also easily irritated and bitchy. I believe and hope that the hormones are the reason with have been arguing more lately. It's so stressful and scares me all the more. I don't want a child around all this arguing so I really hope this is just a phase.

Well I got referred to an OBGYN by my methadone doctor and he is sending me to get blood work done sometime next week. I was going down on my meth but started feeling really sick this past week so went back up again to the dose I was originally at. As for the baby, he is due Nov 26th and we think it might be a boy but either way we want both so it doesn't really matter. We have picked Ethan for a boy and Autumn or Alexis for a girl. I can't wait to go for the ultra sound but that's not for another couple weeks since I'm only 6 weeks pregnant. My mom bought me a pregnancy journal that I've already started filling out and we told quite a few people already which has me a little worried because anything can happen in the first 3 months. The stresses about money that I blogged about, aren't helping both because he isn’t working yet and my student loans are all gone. Plus the fact that we have over 1000$ in bills kind of has me freaking out. So I'm hoping I sell a couple of the healing trees I made on eBay and make some extra money. I am working all weekend, Friday to Monday, not sure how that's going to be on the body especially with the methadone not being adjusted to what I needed at yet. I feel nauseous and tired often. Well I hope all goes well and things get better. Fingers crossed.

Im Coming Out Of Hiding, Yes Im Back :)

First of all I’d like to say sorry, sorry, sorry for not posting before now. Although I doubt anyone noticed I haven`t been posting. My 3rd year in Psychology has kept me really busy, much busier then all the other years. It feels like it gets harder every year. Plus I've been working on weekends while also attending class during the week, for the first time since attending college I'm doing both. Although I don't mind being busy since I like what I'm doing, I rarely get time for myself anymore. And whatever time I do get is usually spent taking care of my fishes. I have 4-5 tanks now, I kind of lost count. But I'm still glad I got fishes instead of a dog. I love my fishes I'm a Pisces after all. One of my girls got pregnant on Sunday so I had to get another tank for her and her soon to be babies. First time I've had a cichlid get pregnant; pretty cool how they hold the eggs in their mouth. I also have a Freshwater Angelfish tank and a German Ram tank, plus tank for the babies. Here's a quick picture of my African cichlid tank.

It’s funny how life turns out sometimes. I never stop learning and growing. My growth sometimes surprises me but I still find myself wishing other aspects of myself would grow faster. I have always had a hard time with relationships and recently I've been having a hard time knowing if I'm asking for too much, or if I'm giving in too much. Knowing when to give and when to take is not my strong suit. But somewhere deep down I wonder if it’s not the other person that might be partly responsible. I feel like I've tried everything and still I'm at a loss of how to make this all work. After my last post I had broken up with my ex and was kind of seeing someone else but my ex kept trying to get me back and pretty much scared the other guy so I just told that guy to move on if he didn't think I was worth a little trouble. I'm almost positive he would have stuck around to see how we would have worked out or until he couldn't handle my ex anymore but things were just not the same between us after my ex freaked out on him. I just didn't want to give anymore of my heart to him if there was a chance of him leaving because of something my ex did. Something I had no control over. So I finally gave in with my ex, his promises and changes really seemed sincere at the time. Or maybe I just didn't want to be alone and he was something familiar.

Anyways we eventually moved in together. I was very doubtful and hesitant at first but I went for it. I still sometimes wonder what made me go back. I should of known all his promises were too good to be true and that he would go back to his old ways soon enough. Don't get me wrong things aren't terrible but I feel like I deserve more. Now isn't that selfish of me. I want him to listen to me, not say something if he's not going to do it, and to spend some time with me. I start building up some resentment when I feel myself giving in too much and sacrificing what I want for what he wants. And that makes me feel like he should at the very least show me some appreciation and attention since I give him what he wants all the time. Specially because if I don't he will often pick a fit, give me the silent treatment or guilt me into giving him what he wants. I don't know but that sounds like major manipulation but even though I kind of know that I'm still not ready to leave. I want to make it work. If I get enough time I’d like to blog about it and maybe even get your input. If anyone even reads these post, lol. Ok well got to go for now busy, busy.

:) Charmed

Doing Easter Clean and Sober

Easter, for me isn't about religion like it is for most people but I do enjoy it and who's going to complain about an extra long weekend off. I always get a long weekend during the school year since I always have Fridays off so when there's a Monday thrown in well now that's a long weekend. With Easter already here and me almost being done this school year with final exams start next Monday I'm starting to really feel summer coming along fast. We finally just started getting nice weather here, that means its above 5 degrees Celsius which is still cold for most people but at lease its not minus 40 like it was in January and February. So visiting family with spring in the air is the best kind of Easter, It brings back memories of the chocolate filled mornings I use to have searching for my prize with my older brother. I even stole 1 smarty from my ten year brother earlier and we had a good laugh, I even teased him about the location of his stash. I also enjoyed a nice supper at my aunts and got to meet my cousin new born baby, she's six weeks old and my cousin is around my age. I even got to hold her after being a little apprehensive, I didn't know how I'd feel about it since my pregnancy issue I had a year ago. But everything was great and I enjoyed meeting her.

Its nice to be with family even if it can be tiring and stressful at times. This weekend I decided not to go out to the bar like I usually would on a holiday when I'm visiting family instead I'm enjoying just relaxing at my moms by myself. Although I would of liked to spend more time with the family I was tired and they wanted to go out. I'm suppose to go to my dads for a few hours tomorrow and I having a bit of anxiety over it. I just don't know how to feel about it. I'm suppose to pick up some of my stuff but I have no idea where I'm going to put it just that I don't want it there anymore, stuff is going missing like every time I've ever left my stuff with my dad. Its stressful and frustrating. I just want to go through it and keep what necessary with me and just forget the rest. I'm glad I grabbed my photo albums last time I was there. It seems he's with the woman who called the cops and my dad might go to jail which I talked about in the Daddy-going-to-jail post. So I really don't know what to expect when I go there. 

I also have a big project to do for school and it has to be done by Wednesday so I have to keep working on that all weekend. Last week I had to do another oral presentation and I must of got hit by the bad luck bus. The one day I had to get to class no matter what, since I had big presentation at 1:00 pm, my stupid alarm doesn't go off and I don't wake up until 1:00 pm. I even went to bed early to make sure I was rested and I still get up at 1. I was freaking out not believing the clock.  So I call a cab right away still in P.J.s, I throw whatever clothes I find on the ground, brush my teeth, tie my hair and get outside as the cab gets there. By then its just after 1:10 and I still need to go to library to print notes, so I can actually do the presentation, and then get to class. I kept thinking I'm not going to make it but after a 25$ cab ride and a run to the library I finally get to class at 1:40. Thankfully two other groups went before us and the second wasn't done yet so I actually got to do my presentation which was worth 25% of my final mark. Its funny how unlucky lucky I am. If that makes sense.

Happy Easter Everyone!
Charmed

My Life After the Addiction

After the addiction here I am, a 23 year old (soon to be 24 on march 12th) university student studying psychology and hoping to one day be able to help people and families dealing with addiction. I haven't been an active addict for 4 years but sadly I don't  remember my exact sober date because I was a little lost and confused at the time. I had tried to quit so many times before I wasn't really paying attention to the date but at lease I know I quit coke in August 2008 and oxys a few months after that. I wish I remembered the exact date because its seems to be such a big deal among recovering addicts but sadly I don't know.I guess knowing the month will have to do.

In these four years I started by getting my high school diploma in the first year and applied to university (I got accepted in the two schools I applied for). The following three years have been spent working towards my bachelors in psychology which I believe was the perfect decision for me. I love psychology. The human mind and behavior fascinate me.

Until just a few years ago I had no plan or goals for the future therefore no way of working towards them. I believe in being independent and not having to rely on anyone but myself. For once I have hope that I can have a different life then my parents did and that my future holds more promise then my past ever did. Despite having this hope I'm also full of worry that once I'm done school I wont find a job in my field. I think about it a lot and it scares me, I don't know what to do.

Now getting to where I am today wasn't that easy and there's a lot more to the story. It was a long process that I took one day at a time and it got a little better everyday. It also got much better when I took the time to reflect all the possibilities life had to offer me like what new hobbies I could get interested in. When I was in the middle of my addiction I had lost interest in everything but drugs so discovering what makes me happy and what I like to do was a great process. It was also very important to my recovery because I needed to find something else to occupy my time besides doing drugs. It started with reading books, the magic of getting lost in a book was a great release for me.

There was also doing school work because I like learning and loved the feeling of accomplishing something, its very satisfying. I also loved writing always have even before I knew how to write, Id make symbols on a line over and over again. I'm really hoping to be an author one day and lately I've been thinking about putting some words down and see if I can't get a book started. I use too write poems a lot and I'd also make raps with them, it was a lot of fun.

I found an online multi-player game that was also a lot of fun because I got to talk to other people with out putting myself out there too much. Again like most games it was goal oriented and I got that gratifying feeling of accomplishing something. Another great pass time was watching T.V. series they made me feel less alone because over the course of a season, unlike a movie, I got the time to get to know the characters and grow close to them. I actually felt part of their world and I learned lessons from their struggles and the way the interacted with one another.

There's also this blog that I started a little over 2 months ago which has been a source of great relief and happiness because I get to write and at the same time let go of my pass. I've been a little busy pass  2-3 weeks and I haven't been writing on my blog as much as I like too. I found myself running out of ideas because I don't want to repeat myself too much. So I've decided to not just write about my pass like I've been doing but writing about my day to day stuff, that way I can keep writing even if I've said all I wanted to say about my past for that moment.

If I cant think of anything to write I usually go on the FACEBOOK PAGE for this blog and post images of quotes or ask my followers questions which I really enjoy because I get to read their comments. Finally I started drawing about two months ago around the same time I started this blog and I found that although it takes a lot of time and effort its very rewarding and is a great way to keep my mind busy. Here's my latest drawing that I did on the 2nd of March. It was my favorite show as a kid and honestly a show I still enjoy watching.

Sailor Moon: 02/03/13 

There still a lot of different things I want to try and do. On the top of my list is traveling and if I had the money I'd be doing as much of it as possible. Coming back from spring break this year I heard a lot of students talking about how they went to all these different places like Italy, Santa maria, Cuba and lots more because in most cases their parents paid. Hearing about it makes me want to go all the more and although my parents never had money to send me anywhere it didn't stop me from always dreaming of all the new places I could visit. I want to see the history in the world, explore a temple or walk among the ruins of an ancient village, see nature in all its different forms. Its something I absolutely have to do. A few other things I would love to try is yoga, kick boxing or martial arts, rock climbing, learn meditation and explore spirituality, taking dance, drawing, painting, sculpture and guitar lessons. The possibilities are endless but most of these things require money which I'm lacking, being a student and living off loans. But one day, one day for sure I'll get to do these wonderful things. I'm just proud and happy with what I've been able to do so far and looking forward to all the possibilities my future holds. I finally realize just how much I have to live for.

Prioritizing

I've always had a difficult time prioritizing my life even before my addiction but now that I'm better I thinks its time I really try working on it. 

I find time goes by way too fast, no matter what I'm doing and even knowing this I always think I'll have more time. I end up doing what I really want to do instead of what needs to be done. This especially damaging now that I'm in school since I have to make the due dates for essays and exams. I always leave everything to the last minute and so far I've managed it but recently I've realized that if I don't start prioritizing I'm going to fall behind maybe even fail. So I've decided to shape up, starting with doing all the homework daily instead of pushing it all off to the weekend. So far I've done two school projects, I've washed my floors, went through my clothes to give stuff away, I folded them and put them away. This was a bigger task then most can imagine since I have a lot of clothes from years and years of hoarding them. A lot doesn't fit anymore but the ones I'm really attached to I don't give away hoping one day I'll fit in it again. (Not such a good idea) I put my first posters up on my wall (I've been here over a year). I still need to organize my closet and library, and I still have a lot of homework but I'm off to a good start. I hope I can keep it up. There's just so many different things I wish I had the time to do or start doing, like my sketching, my blogging, meditation, start writing poems again, learn more about crystals and spirituality, and of course reading. The list goes on and on, I remember when I use to be so bored all the time and now a days I can't spare a second being bored. The world just has so much to offer. If I didn't have to sleep, I wouldn't,  unless I wanted to get lost in a dream, that's fun too.

Charmed

Long Lost Friends

One of the hardest thing I've had to deal with since being sober is making friends.

Back in high school when drugs weren't affecting my life I still had lots friend and a couple close friends. Even when I got more into drugs I still had friends, well until I started trying to quit. Once I made up my mind and decided I didn't want to keep doing drugs forever I stop talking to everyone. I stayed home most of the time, unless I was going to work or working on my high school diploma through this adult correspondence class. I rarely answered my phone, I didn't talk to anyone for the longest time except my boyfriend at the time. I needed time alone to fix my life and most of all find out who I was without drugs.

By the time I got better it had been so long since I talked to the people I knew, it just wasn't the same. They had all moved on, some had kids, some had moved away, some were way into drugs. They had all changed and so had I. Making new friends seemed like the only answer. I just hadn't realized how hard it be. I keep feeling like no one can understand what I've been through other then another former addict. But its difficult meeting one since its not something people tend to tell strangers or people they just met. It was hard to feel like I had something in common with people or open up to them for fear of being judged for my past. It was all soo easy when I was a kid.

I thought once I got to college it would get easier but its going on three years now and still not even one friend. Although I have to admit I haven't been trying that hard. For example, I met a nice girl while working this summer but for some reason we haven't hung out outside of work even though shes asked more than once. I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm not sure if I'm scared or nervous. I realize now that even though we all get scared, sometimes we need to take a leap of faith. We wont know unless we try, right. That said, this week ill take that leap of faith and open myself up to making a new friend. Ill start by making plans to hang out and follow through with it.

Wish me luck.
Charmed

What Never Fails

I would like to start by apologizing for not posting as much these pass few days. I usually post everyday but that might not always be possible once I start school next week so Ill try and post at lease every second day if not everyday. Since I've caught a cold and my minds a lil fuzzy at the moment I might be posting only every second day, depending on how I feel. Here's an update for now until I get my mind to co-operate. Hope you enjoy, I know we all get sick so we can all relate.

Now that's said, here's what I wanted to share. It never fails, every winter I get sick at lease once. Most years I get unlucky enough to get sick during the holidays but at lease this year I was lucky enough not to get sick during Christmas. I would rather be sick close to New Years then close to Christmas. I want to be in good spirits to visit family during Christmas. Also since I don't like drinking that much so I don't usually do much for New Years. Although I like to stay up and do the count down and listen to music at home. Still i rather of gotten sick now so I can get better before school starts on January 7th. I enjoy school too much to miss the first day of a new semester and my new classes. Psychology woooo hoooo!

My cold consist of a soar throat, a stuffed nose, a dull ear ache, an occasional headache, and soar heavy muscles. I've been taking ibuprofen  Tylenol cold and flu, and some cold fx which have been helping a great deal so far. I also have some gingerale and some chicken noodle soup, all thanks to my hubby. I cant believe how expensive it was for the medication and stuff. I already had gravol in my purse but I haven't needed it. I always carry gravol with me every where because I get car sick really fast especially on bouncy city buses going to school.

What Ill probably end up doing for New Years is cuddle up beside my hubby on the couch (or in bed) with some hot chocolate (sounds good especially since I'm sick), and either watch some movies or play some need for speed on the Xbox 360 kinect I got him for his birthday and Christmas combined (his bday on the 8th) or, my favorite idea, Ill get lost in a book on my new E-reader.
Hope you all have a Happy New Year!
To New Beginnings.
Charmed

Recovering Doesnt Mean Forgetting

If only forgetting was easy.
For most of us being able to move on doesn't mean forgetting. Their are some things we need to remember so that we may grow and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately some memories don't have any purpose besides making us feel bad about ourselves. These memories have a tendency to creep up on us when we less expect it. Most of the time it happens to me when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. I start to toss and turn, remembering the awful things i did or awful things that were done to me. I replay it in my head over and over thinking of what could of been done differently. These are toxic memories and we all need to find ways to get rid of them and think positive.

What I've learned during my recovery is that when these thoughts happen I have to remember all the things I've accomplished since being sober. This definitely became easier the longer I was sober because I had more things to be proud of as time went on. As soon as I  was on the methadone program and had my withdrawals under control I started working towards my high school diploma. I did it by correspondence so I could stay at home and get better but still do something I could be proud of and gave me hope for the future. I believe the only way i was able to get sober without any therapy, rehab or detox was due to the methadone program. Nothing else work for me before then because my withdrawals would take over any determination I had to stop.

It took me a lil over a year to get completely clean after starting methadone. The program only fixed part of the problem. I had to fix my way of thinking on my own and no amount of medication would do that for me. Although I agree therapy would of helped once the withdrawals were gone. I'm not exactly sure why I never committed to weekly therapy but it might have to do with how terrible I am at keeping appointments. What did help in its place was reading books which did a great deal to take my mind off negative things. Also keeping a journal and having my mom to talk too made a huge difference. I really felt like she understood me and I hardly ever felt judged. What was most surprising of all, to me, was my decision to turn to God. I had never been one to go to church or even think of him but in my time of need he was a great support. His words were comforting.

Charmed

*~A little About Me & My Blog~*

Before writing anything else I thought a proper introduction was in order.

I believe whole heartily that the experiences in our life makes us who we are. The good, the bad, the amazing, the worst and everything in between. Ill be posting about some of the issues life has to offer and how I approach them (hopefully in a positive way). But not just that, I want to talk about the little things that make our lives worth living, the happy moments we treasure in our hearts forever.

But before all that I need to be clear on some things.

1. I DO NOT claim that my spelling or my structure will be perfect. ( To be honest, it probably sucks ) ...   =P
2. I DO NOT expect for everyone to like my blog ( If you dont, then dont read it, simple)
3. I WILL NOT always make sense, to the contrary I might seem crazy at times.
4. If YOU got nothing good to say then don't say it... move on
5. I'm just human, I have feelings and I'm sensitive.
6. I'm mostly doing this blog for myself and my family.

Ok.. GREAT! So now that I got that out of the way ;) Lets talk a bit about me...

I'm a 23 yeard old college student who's trying something new by blogging. My time is mostly spent on school, family, relationships and trying new things to help me grow as a person. I LOVE SCHOOL.. too the surprise of many... I know right who knew... I always have but their was a time where people had doubts for a while. Who can blame them, so did I. My teen years were by far the craziest but there isn't much I would change. My stupid choices actually brought me and my mom closer together and she is my NUMBER ONE BEST FRIEND. She's is very selfless and her love is the kind that heals. I know me being close to my mom is probably nothing out of the ordinary but my mom is extraordinary. She has done amazing things for me and those things are done by only the extra special kind of mothers.

Oh and Books,  Books was the diversion that helped me move on from some of my worst mistakes. The feeling of getting lost in a book and becoming someone who you could never be in reality. The stories that inspire a change within our hearts. Its one of the greatest feeling life has to offer. My love for books started as soon as I was able to read, I was one of the only kids in my class that looked forward to library time in school. But it seems as everything I knew changed and then as I started my teen years, my love for books was forgotten. Until my very smart and loving mother bought me 3 books for my 18th birthday. It was a strange feeling, I hadn't been around books or been given a book in a very long time. And with the help of my mother I rediscovered books all over again. A moment I look back on and think of where I'd be if she hadn't chose to buy those books for my birthday. Well I definitely wouldn't be here writing this blog, now would I.

That's it for now have a good night everyone.

~Charmed~