How I Became an Addict

I believe it started when my parents separated. Being such a daddy’s girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn’t in my life as much. My mom moved me and my brother five hours away and I felt like my whole world came crashing down. Angry at my mom I started rebelling for the first time. I was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry easily. No one saw the pain. I was just a spoiled brat with a mother who wasn’t disciplining me enough, which didn’t help because I actually felt the opposite of spoiled. I just had my dad, aka my whole world, taken from me. Seriously I use to follow my dad everywhere. He was the person I admired the most. People kept telling my mom she needed to be stricter with me but it honestly didn’t matter what she did I wasn’t listening. She could ground me or whatever but unless she was ready to physically fight me I wasn't listening. I didn’t do anything to crazy besides stay out late, skip class, smoke cigarettes and hanging out with the wrong people, especially boys.

A Letter to My Younger Self Before I Was an Addict

I was told that writing a letter my younger self  can be a therapeutic way to put things into perspective and move on. Anyone with a tough childhood could probably benefit from this and having dealt with addiction and being a child of an addict I thought this was perfect for me. However, I changed things up a little bit and decided to write a letter to myself before I became an addict.

Where to Turn for Support When A Loved One is Addicted

Author: Alyssa Craig

When it comes to addiction, there is of course a large focus on the addict and helping them to overcome this painful and difficult trial. But you are not the addict. You are their spouse, their partner, their sibling, their parent, or their friend. This addiction has weighed on you heavily since the beginning and has only continued to cause you stress and heartache. Whether or not your loved one is ready to take on the next step of recovery, you can start receiving the help and support you need to persevere. Here are some ways you can attend to your own needs during this turbulent time.

How Addiction is Affecting America

Author: Victoria Candland

Addiction is an ever-growing epidemic in the United States. It can destroy relationships, wreak havoc on the economy, and make people miserable and unhealthy. Here are some important facts about addiction in America including the statistics, current drug trends, and the paths we can take toward recovery.

My Life On Pain Killers

I know I've talked about my addiction to Pain Killers before but this video explains more about the day to day life when I was addicted. I used to snort Oxycontin daily and could not function with out them. I got addicted at a young age and I even had perks prescribed to me pretty easily for my tooth. Its hard for someone who isn't an addict to understand the pain we addicts are in and how our minds are literally unable to think about anything else until we get our fix. It comes to the point where its not even about the high anymore we just want to function without pain. I would wake up and not be able to think, eat, or even get out of bed without a pill. I was in the worst physical pain I had ever been in. It was just a continuous, none stop, nagging pain deep in my bones and muscles. It felt like torture. The emotional pain which is soo terrible also comes back ten time worst but its nothing compared to the physical pain. All of the pain was unbearable and I don't know what I would of done with out methadone. At lease now that I've been able to learn the coping skills necessary to stop using because I've had time to think without pain. Something I could of never done before. And now that I'm better of spirit and mind I can work towards slowly getting off methadone with the supervision and help of a doctor.

Charmed

Guest Post: Fighting Alcoholism (Ryan's Story)

You Tube Video Of Ryan Telling His Story

It was a balmy February afternoon, despite the sun peering between the clouds on the day that Ryan and I had agreed to meet. Up until that particular Saturday this man remained an internet mystery to me. Who answers a craigslist ad about writers looking for recovering addicts?

I had visions of the face-picking, glassy-eyed junkies who frequent my bus in and out of the city. They beg people for change, nobody looks at them, I don’t look at them, and now, suddenly I’m interviewing one. Or so I thought.

As I sat in the rear balcony sipping my tea latte and furiously making adjustments to my notes--lest I offend this Ryan character-- I became engrossed with the idea that my first face-to-face interview might end the way most Law & Order episodes begin.

I was at the peak of my poorly-written crime drama when I heard a loud voice shout “Ahhhh!” to which my response was jumping ten feet in the air.

“I’m sorry,” said this young punk, “Did I scare you?” I must have had a look of terror on my face because he apologized once more. “I’m Ryan.” He stuck out his hand for me to shake. He was so young and fresh faced I was shocked. This young man is an alcoholic?   He seemed so normal. The causal attire, the worn, comfortable hoodie said it all: “average guy.” I saw myself in Ryan: young, hopeful, idealistic. Despite his somewhat questionable entrance, I took a liking to him almost instinctually.

I sipped my latte once more and motioned for him to sit. He ran his hand across his hair and tugged on his ponytail and we exchanged nervous smiles as I fired up the camera.

“My first actual drink I was about five years old,” he began “My mom-- she had me when she was 16-- so she was still into her partying phase, she had just turned twenty-one, ... I’m pretty sure it was Rainer and I threw it up or spit it out.”

His next drink came in high school, and Ryan is not alone in that trend. Although national statistics are at an all time low, surveys from the National Institute on Drug Abuse show that 63.5% of 12th graders reported drinking in the past year. 1 Similarly, binge drinking is down, but report still show numbers in the double digits--14.7% among 10th graders and 21.6% among 12th graders. 

Curious about Ryan’s road to alcohol abuse, I probed further into his family history. “It definitely affects you if you see it while you are growing up,”  he said, citing  members of his own family who've  have battled drug and alcohol addiction. “I think somewhere between 16 and 19 I realized I was going to have a problem... because of genetics and having an addictive personality. I've constantly heard it: ‘alcohol is extremely bad for you’...”

Nonetheless, Ryan fell into the throes of alcohol, caring less and less about college and more about drinking. For him, alcohol was a way of taking the edge off at parties. “Meeting new friends, one of the quickest ways you think to bond with them is to party or to drink,” he noted, a statement that sent me reeling back to my high school and college days. The painful small talk of classes and professors until the elixir of liquor raised our spirits and allowed us to speak for what seemed like the first time.

“That’s when you loosen up and want to tell them more things about yourself,” he added.

“Why is that? Why do we drink in order to bond?” I asked, to which he only shrugged. One of life’s great mysteries.

“To be honest, I think when I realized there is a cut off point was probably earlier this month,”  he confessed, avoiding the judgmental eye of the camera. He continued on about the bad diet trends that come with hangovers, the lazy attitude, the wasted days in bed. I could hear the disgust in his voice as he spoke: disgust for the lifestyle, perhaps disgust for himself for letting it suck him in. It was hard for me to imagine this fun and energetic guy curled in the fetal position on his couch, watching reruns of  90’s sitcoms with a trashcan at arm’s length on a Sunday afternoon. But he has been there. More importantly, he is tired of it.

As Ryan puts it: “In order to help others better, you have to help yourself.  The most important person in your life is yourself, so you always gotta focus on you.”

Four weeks after my interview with Ryan, I was still floored. Shouldn't this guy be wallowing in sorrows? Child to a teen mother, first drink at five, dead and destitute relatives left and right: this is a recipe for, well, a Law & Order episode, but all of his positive energy  had me thinking the opposite. I could feel a sense of calm in him: he was ready for sobriety. I decided to set up a follow up interview just to check in, and if for no other reason, to talk to this great guy. The progress he had to report was, to say the least, inspirational.

“Sobriety has been awesome... [at parties] I’m happy just drinking water.” He smiled with pride. His time spent drinking and nursing hangovers is now spent doing martial arts and freelance writing. He even hopes to get back into school  within the year, but despite his advances, things still get tough for him.

“Every time I get stressed out, I realize the best thing I can do is, uh...” He hesitates shyly, his mouth twisting in slight embarrassment, or perhaps fondness. “The first person I always talk to is my grandmother. She pretty much is my mother. I always text her, like, every second I get stressed out. It is a good thing she is retired,” he laughs. 

Life is looking good for Ryan these days. His perseverance and youthful take on life have made him a success. He is proof that there are many faces of dependency, and each one is capable of attaining sobriety and happiness. As of today, he is 47 days sober and counting.

Youtube of Ryan telling his story

For more information on drug and alcohol awareness, visit AllTreatment.com.

This article can be found at

alltreatment.com/youth-addiction-project-alcohol-abuse-ryans-story

Jekeva is managing editor at AllTreatment.com. Contact Jekeva at jekeva at alltreatment dot com.

Taking Charge

Since my birthday was coming up and I had a new year ahead of me, I got inspired to set myself a goal for the coming year. I chose to buy Insanity workout DVDs because mainly I was having serious low energy problem and I heard the best way to get energy is to eat right and exercise. Also I wanted to get into shape and have more endurance. I think this is a great idea especially with summer coming up I want to look my best and have energy to get out and have fun. I just started the workouts a few days ago and I can already feel it in my muscles. Their tight and sore but that what keeps me motivated because I can feel the change. When I was doing the shakes and diet pills for two months around Christmas time I didn't really see or feel a difference and that's why I stopped. With this its totally different, I finish a workout and I cant wait for the next day to do it all over again.

I'm a little disappointed that I can't keep up with the people in the video and that Ill pause it to take a minute or less break. My body has been abused so much by drugs and I haven't worked it out in such a long time, it gets winded really fast. Although I do push myself to the limit and I believe that's what the workout all about. I know with time I'll get better and be able to do more, its just that I didn't realize how out of shape I was. I use to be able to do so much more as a teenagers and now I'm only 24 and I cant keep up. I'm really motivated and I need that to do these videos because they are extremely difficult, especially if your out of shape like me. These workouts are exactly what I need right now and I'll keep you all updated on my progress.

Charmed

What Could Of Helped

What could of Helped or Prevented my addiction

Even though I'll never know for sure since everything happens for a reason and maybe it was just meant to be, here's my opinion on the things that could of been done differently to help me. Now I find this topic to be complicated because what works for one person wont necessarily work for the other and I think its important to remember that. Despite this being an issue I believe that knowing how others dealt with their situation can give me an idea of what might work for me. I can take parts of what others did and change it a little to suit my present situation. So instead of just telling you what I think should be done Ill share my experiences with you and what I think could of worked for me and what did work for me at the time.

Well first of all what would of helped is not having my dad offer me drugs and not having him normalize drug use. This made me think that drugs were O.K. and not harmful. Now I know this isn't the norm so lets move on to something a little more general which can apply to the majority. Telling kids the truth about drugs is important and what it really does to people in the long run. Being honest and giving them all the information and not just the part you want is important because it lets them know they can trust you and what your saying. I wish I would of known the truth about drugs back then not just what my dad wanted me to know. On the other hand I had people dictating and telling me never to use drugs which obviously didn't work. What could of been done here to help is explaining their harmful effects while also be open to questions and doubts. The important thing here would of been giving us access to all the information we need to make the right choice on our own because in the end, its exactly that our choice. No one can't make the choice for them no matter how much they want too. Another great thing would be having a good role model available since teenagers often don't want to open up to their parents. We want to find our own identity so while branching out from home we will start looking else where for a role model. That's why making sure we have someone reliable and responsible that we are close too in our lives other than our parents would be very helpful.

Now we all know that having a parent set rules and punishments is a good way to give us structure and discipline. But whats important is doing so in a calm way with out freaking out because we learn from your example to deal with negative situations in a calm and healthy way. Also having someone who's aware of the signs but doesn't constantly doubt me unless having good reason too, would be essential because having confidence in me would give me confidence in myself. We need that confidence in ourselves so we know we can do better. What really helped me after the damage was already done was that compliments and reinforcements didn't stop. I still felt like people thought I really could do better and that help me keep faith in myself. It wasn't always about what I didn't do but what I could do. Also having a stable home where I wasn't always moving back and forth between my parents because I wasn't getting my way with one parent I'd move in with the other parent. And sometimes it was just because I didn't feel at home anymore. If they would of been able to agree on where I should stay and how to raise me, it would of made a big difference. Them not getting along after the separation and telling me how bad the other was out of spite made me lose confidence in my parents. Now that I knew all of the things they had ever did wrong I didn't trust my parents and I didn't respect them anymore which is really bad. A child should always be able to trust and respect their parents and also not be ashamed of them.

Now these are just a few examples but I believe they would of been the most helpful to me. I believe the fact that my mom never gave up on me even though at times she needed her space, had a lot to do with my recovery. And despite my dad not being a responsible parent, he always had confidence in me and gave me lots of compliments. He made me feel like I could accomplish anything from a young age. I believe that its this exact confidence he instilled in me that I drew strength from when I was trying to get sober. I hope this helps someone out there get an idea of some of things that could be done to help. If you have any questions, feel free to comment.

Charmed

Drug of Choice

One addiction often leads to another. 

The first time I did cocaine I was 14 years old and I got addicted pretty fast. As for oxycotin, it was more of a sneaky addiction. At 13 years old, back before anyone knew what they really were, I got my hands on a few percocets. I did them once in a while when they were available to me and I  happen moved to my dads before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke and started getting addicted. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms because I knew I'd be better taken care of, their be food and quiet home to relax in, not like when I was at my dads. What I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount everyday. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we be able to relax and go to bed after we were done doing coke for the night. At that point I couldn't go with out coke but I could go without oxys, that's until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.


Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were to severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. At first it was all about doing coke since I didn't have any more withdrawals for oxys. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself any more, so I quit for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't at bad because  it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.


I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and  except what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed.

Charmed

No Rules Until Dad Gets Mad

How Drugs and Addiction can exaggerate emotions.

Living with my dad there were barely any rules and partying was cool. So that's what I grew up thinking and as a teenager I thought I was lucky to have such a cool dad. I often did what I wanted without any repercussions. I got to smoke, drink, get piercings, date, have parties, sleepovers... But my dads girlfriend kids had more rules which I wasn't really accustomed to so I didn't really bother knowing them, I just kept doing what I usually did. Her oldest daughter was a couple months younger then me and we often did things together. One summer we started hanging out with these two guys who were best friends which led to us dating them. I had a major crush on one of them for a while so when it turned out he had a crush on me too it was kinda perfect since we would get to all hang out together. My boyfriend sold weed and magic mushrooms so it was always available, it was fun and harmless (so I thought).

One day they boys decided they wanted to show us a hunting cabin in the woods so off we went walking towards the cabin, not knowing how far it really was. And  2-3 hours later we finally arrive, tired and far from any phone, all we wanted to do was rest for a while. (I don't think they had cell phones back then) After resting for a few hours we realized we wouldn't make it back before it got dark. So we decided we should spend the night and leave early in the morning. (What a mistake that was). We had no idea how much our parents would freak out. Usually we would tell them where we were and everything was fine. But this time we didn't have a way to contact them so we thought they would understand that. Big mistake on our part trust me. The next morning the first thing we did was go to the nearest phone, which was still like 1 hour to 1 hour and 1/2 away from home. Our parents were furious, and even more so because they hadn't slept in a couple days since they had been partying when we left. I know my dad usually wouldn't of been that mad especially after I explained every thing to him. Unfortunatly by that point his girlfriend had been adding fuel to the fire for hours. Repeating over and over again, oh they might be dead, kidnapped, and other crazy stuff. (She was so toxic) At that point their was no reasoning with him. I told them where we were and that we were still over an hour away walking distance. I guess we were kind of hoping they would come and get us so we wouldnt have to walk. I figure if they were that worried they would come get us right away. To our surprise they told us to walk and hung up on us. (Yep definitely HIGH) We didn't look forward to the walk but I told my step sister that at lease they will have time to calm down. What a fool I was, I was just giving my crazy step mother more time to add fuel to the fire.

By the time we got there my dad was so angry that the second I step inside the house he grabbed me and by the neck and lifted me clear off the ground. He held me there and choked me until I couldn't breath and almost passed out (Not to mention I have severe asthma). Since they had called the cops the night before they had to tell them I was back home and the cop had to come over and check up on us. When the cop saw how angry my dad was and the red marks on my neck he asked if my dad had hurt me, I couldn't answer. My dad was like daring me to say something and I was so terrified of what he would try to do to the cop or to me. I never said anything and the cop left looking at me with regretful eyes. After he left I went to my room hoping it would stop there but it didn`t. My dad came up to our (me and my step sisters) room and started hitting me with pillows and screaming slut at me. I ran downstairs trying to get away but his girlfriend grab the back of my shirt collar and I fell backwards. Once I got back up my dad was already down stairs so I ran back upstairs and climb out my window before he had the chance to follow me. I hid behind the house for hours hoping they wouldnt find me. Eventually everything calmed down but I still had to walk around with black and blue fingerprints on my neck for weeks after as a reminder.

I know it was wrong not coming back home that night but I don't think I deserved that treatment. I truly believe my step mother had it out for me, my step sister didn't get a hand raised against her and I'm glad. I wouldn't want  that to happen to anyone. I know my father has to take part of the blame but my step mother did so many crazy things to me (but that's for another post) that I cant help but think she made everything worst. What I really didn't understand back then was why were they so mad that time. Sometimes it was oki not a big deal and other times it was the end of the world. Its not like I had any specific rules we had to obey. I guess it was more of a day to day thing depending on how the drugs affected their emotions and mind.

Charmed

What If Addiction Had Never Trapped Me

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a couple tears running down my cheeks as if running to escape my mind. Running away from the unsettling feelings my dream had caused. The possibility of a change of fate and its consequences had me feeling uneasy. A lesson my mind saw fit to teach me even if it would hurt me. Tough Love, they call it. I was left with the certainty that what happens to us during our life happens to us and not someone else for a reason. I shouldn't dwell on what could have been because I believe the universe has a way of balancing itself and if not to me then to whom would my hardships and burdens be given too. Also I've been thinking if they weren't meant to have those particular challenges in their life time then chances are this person wouldn't have been born with the specific abilities or skills to overcome them. Well I can definitely say that this dream had me reflecting on a lot of life's deeper meanings.

The dream is a bit blurry now but I remember the important part of the dream that had affected me. In this dream I was back in my late teens and this time I didn't know the life of addiction. You could say, I was a well-rounded person with goals and lots of love for my family. It’s seemed like I took on the life my brother had (my oldest brother who is 3 years younger than me) and he had mine. We’ll definitely the part of my life that included addiction and a lot of sadness. In other words it’s like our lives had been switched. In this dream, we were at my mom's just like when we were teenagers and my brother looking like he was 13 again was drinking and doing harder drugs. Not trying to hide it, I could tell he was under the influence. He had that jaded look in his eyes, the one I remember having myself. He seemed to have this air of sadness surrounding him but he was trying to hide it. I think I only knew because, although in that life I didn't know addiction and that kind of sadness, somewhere in my mind I still remembered. It’s like I felt his struggle, knowing it all too well. Something told me that my brother wasn't going to beat it (it really wasn't his to beat); he wasn't going to get better. My heart broke so hard; I couldn't stand seeing him hurting and sad. And that's when I knew. I'd do it over again a million times if it would keep him from having that kind of life. My dream was telling me that if I hadn't been an addict, if my brother hadn't seen what it did to me, how destructive it was, or if my dad hadn't had me to turn to, he might of turned to my brother (my dad thought me about drugs and eventually offered me some), my brother would of been an addict. It was like this entire realization hit me at once and I just had to walk up to my brother and wrap my arms around him really tight. And that's when I felt the tears running down my cheeks and woke up.

Most of people are probably thinking it was just a dream, nothing to it, nothing to worry about. Or maybe my unconsciousness was trying to make sense of why these hardships happened to me. I believe it’s much more than that. To start, if it really was my unconsciousness giving me an explanation to why it happened to me, than it had to of chosen my brother being spared as the explanation because my love for my brother was probably one of the only explanation that would put my heart and mind at ease. Also this dream made me realize that no matter how bad it was. I'd still be willingly to do it again for my brother. I don't believe I've had a dream as meaningful as this one before. I can most definitely say that this dream contained an important message. As sad as it was, once I reflected upon the meaning an inner peace overcame me.

To Dream, A Dream,

Our Inner Most Secrets Our Revealed

The Secrets We Keep Even From Ourselves

Charmed

Hitting Rock Bottom and Digging Some More

Living on my own at 15 was like the coolest thing, at the time. It was the hang out spot, old friends admired, new friends multiplied. But they weren't really friends were they. Just more people taking advantage of a spot to hang out while getting high. Although I was actually pretty strict with who I let come in my place. I was selling at the time and didn't want the attention by having known criminals seen coming out of my place. I had all the drugs I wanted and I felt on top of the world. Not depending on anyone for my next pill or my next line. I had a nice and actually clean place. I felt like I still had control of my life, oh how fast things change. Nothing last forever, as they say. It went from being able to stop and go to bed, to the never ending feeling of wanting more. A debt was accumulated and my selling career was over. Now faced with not having a steady supply to feed my addiction, I realize how much I needed it. My body cries out for more. The aches and pain take over any control I have over my mind.

Charmed

PS. I found a very good written post about addiction by a fellow blogger, take a look. Real insight.

trapped in addiction