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Recovering Addict Mantra: Getting Back up & Chasing the Dream

When you find something that motivates you, grab on to it and don't let it go. It's incredible when life presents us with clear signs to remind us and to set us back on the right path. I feel like the universe is telling me to kick it up a notch.

Addiction Recovery My Way

One of the many things that makes this world such a beautiful and wonderful place is its diversity. We are all beautifully unique with different wants and needs. We shouldn't ever be expected to all fit in a box and conform to just one way of doing things. Its simply isn't who we are as humans beings. We are amazingly complex individuals and we need that freedom to be ourselves and do what works for us in order for us to grow into all that we can be.

I've had people who have been rude to me, ignored me,  blocked me and even shunned me once they found out I wasn't doing recovery their way. Every time I ask myself why. Why not support a fellow recovering addict and recovery in all its forms. If it's creating a better life for them and their loved ones than Why Not? I would think these recovering addicts would understand better than most the struggle of recovery. We should stand together and lift each other up. Changing our lives in no small task. We should be proud of each other no matter what recovery path we have chosen. Accepting and encouraging individual differences is an amazing thing. It means we have evolved to see past our own sense of self and ego to see the beauty in what is different from us.

If what their doing works for them who I am to judge or make their recovery seem less important or make them feel less than because they aren't doing it my way. Being in the methadone maintenance program I've had to defend my recovery to quite a few people and surprisingly most of them were in recovery themselves. Usually regular folks are more accepting and able to see the positive changes in my life for what they are. Methadone has given me my life back after I had tried everything else to quit, its the only thing that worked for me. 

Another really big issue for some is that I don't see abstinence from alcohol as part of my recovery. I've never had a problem with it. I only drink a few times a year and I rarely get drunk. I've been clean from drugs for many years now and drinking hasn't caused me to relapse in all this time. If I felt like my recovery was in danger I wouldn't drink. I dont drink to get drunk and I dont drink when Im angry or emotionally unstable. I know my way of doing recovery doesn't work for most people but it works for me. I'm drug free and living a "normal" life.

I know alcohol can be a really big problem for some people and by choosing to have a couple drinks on my birthday or at Christmas doesn't mean I don't see alcohol as a huge challenge for some recovering addicts. It doesn't mean I don't respect their struggle or that I don't see it as a big deal for some people. Its just that alcohol isn't a problem for me personally. I respect each of your individual recovery paths so much. Recovery is something to be proud of and If it feels right to you than that's what matters in the end. May you all be happy and find that inner peace we are all looking for.

Charmed

Who Would of Thought An Addict Could Get This Far?!

I often put myself down like I'm not good enough and I forget how amazing I really am. This is something that affects so many aspects of my life. I tend to get hurt easily by others criticisms and I cant openly admit anything negative about myself without it impacting my self esteem in a bad way. So let this be a reminder to myself of just how far I've come. Their are times where I still catch myself in awe of how much my life has changed in the last 5 years and this really helps me realize I'm not a nobody but that I am a strong independent survivor.

This is a list of stuff I've gone through and made it on the other side since getting sober and doesn't include all the shit I went through that drove me to drug abuse in the first place. I've been sober over 6 years, well I think, I don't really keep track of that anymore. Anyways after I got sober I got a part time job to afford my own place again, I went back to high school and graduated with an 85% average and then got accepted to all the universities I had applied to. As amazing as that was that meant I was going to be alone for the first time and although I had moved out when I was 15 for a couple years before moving back to my moms, I had never truly been alone. My boyfriend had been with me ever since I had moved out at 15. We were together for 6 years, imagine that but we ended up growing a part, just like that. Lovers one day strangers the next. Well at least that how it feels. I decided to quit drugs and got sober but he didn't and then lied about it, after so much of trying to help him and stick it through I kinda gave up and became distant. Leaving for university meant I was going to be alone for the very first time and that really terrified me. All on my own in a new city, the idea was absolutely terrifying, but I did it. I made the choice and followed through with it. I made it all on my own and it was so liberating. It boosted my confidence and proved to myself and everyone else that ever doubted me that I could make it and that I DID!

After 8 months of being on my own I met someone who I ended up spending 3 years with. The damaged he caused to my confidence ran deep. He made me feel like I couldn't make it without him and I couldn't see a life beyond him. I thought I'd never ever have the strength to leave him. I had tried more than once but I always ended up going back. After trying to leave a couple times and it not working I had finally given up on that idea completely when I reconnected with an old friend at Christmas. All the while thinking that although this man was amazing and perfect for me I doubted I could really leave my boyfriend. I just couldn't see myself living without him. It wasn't just about not wanting to be alone anymore (I had the opportunity to not be alone and be with someone else plenty of times), I was emotionally invested and I knew leaving him would really hurt and it ended up hurting more then I thought it would. But I did it, I packed my stuff and left. I made the plans to go through with it and although I kept thinking I'd back out any minute, I didn't. I stayed strong and followed my instincts. The pain afterwards was almost unbearable and it took an enormous amount of strength to deal with and not go back.

Also when I found out I was pregnant I got really scared that I'd have to give up on my dreams. I was scared of my life changing in ways I wasn't really ready for. I had just moved in with that old friend I had reconnected with (and absolutely fallen in love with) and I needed time to grieve my past relationship, adjust and rebuild my new relationship (still kinda do need those things). I needed, and still need, stability. I was so worried about losing everything I had invested in my education, all the money and the time. It was a pretty significant amount but I pulled my big girl pants on and decided to face the situation head on (well not without some groaning and moaning on my part, lol). I sat down and figured a way to make my education work with this unexpected surprise on the way. Not to mention that after I got over the fear of losing things that were important to me at the time I got pretty excited when I realized exactly what I was gaining. Now I even have this fierce determination to protect and give this child the best life possible, its not so much about me anymore. Its weird how my way of thinking changed all of a sudden and I can only just imagine how much more that feeling is going to set in once my baby is actually born. Its hard and scary but I'm making it work because I'm strong, determined, resourceful and caring. So this will all work out, I'll make sure of it!

I would also like to add that all these accomplishments wouldn't of been possible without the support from the people closest to me. It made all the difference and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart <3<3<3

Charmed

Stressing About Money

Being a student isn't easy, now add to that the stresses about money and it can really take focus away from my schooling. Around the end of the school year is when I tend to run out of my student loans and bills start pilling up, also moving didn't help the money situation. I do work one shift on weekends but that's definitely not enough and working more would impact my performance at school. So I decided to start selling healing trees that I make myself on ebay to help pay bills and not to mention that  doing these trees really helps relieve stress and worry, its good for my recovery and to center myself again. I was really depending on this because I'm way pass the point of running out of money, I have no money and about 1000$ in bills. I know right, total freak out mode here, and finals are just around the corner. So when I finally sold my first tree on eBay for 50$ I was all like YES!! a bit of money coming in. Oh but no, that's not how it went down. When I tried transferring the money from Paypal account to my bank, I did the opposite, so from my bank to my Paypal. Thing is I have no money in my bank, so guess what? That's a 45$ charge on my bank account for it bouncing and as hard as I tried I couldn't cancel the transfer when I realized what had happen. The bank said we can try and put stop payment on it but its going to cost you 15$ and we can't guarantee it wont bounce. GREAT! So your telling me you want 15$ that I don't have and you cant even guarantee I wont get charged another 45$ for a bounced payment. Well NO thank you! So what do I do? I call PayPal and they said no sorry nothing we can do once the authorization is sent. Just Perfect. They end up telling me to transfer the money for the tree to my bank and maybe it will be in my bank in time so it doesn't bounce. So I did, I was desperate but ya you probably guess it, the money didn't make it in time so I was charged 45$. That means the money I made from my tree covered the bounce fee and I'm still broke. So the time spent doing the tree and the cost of supplies was out of my own pocket. At that point I disappointed but determined to do something to sell some of my trees. I decided to post my trees on Facebook and on a buy and sell site but I still haven't had any luck. I'm still hoping my luck turns around and something good happens soon. Wish my luck and if you want to take a look at my healing trees on ebay here's the link: HEALING TREES

Thanks,
Charmed

That One Decision That Changed Everything

I never really believed that anything like this could ever actually happen to me. That the perfect guy for me would walk into my life, sweep me off my feet and take me away from my unhappy and most of all unhealthy relationship. I thought things like that only existed in books and movies. Having someone just so perfectly matched for me, it was like he was made for me. I never thought in a million years that someone could complete me so spiritually, physically and emotionally to the point of having me believing in soul mates. I have to tell you it’s all so weird how it happened that I don't doubt that it was anything else but fate that brought us together. The signs were all there continually reminding me that I was making the right decision by moving forward with this man. We continually read each other minds, finished each other’s sentences and would send each other the exact same text at the exact same time. We have so much in common, it really feels like he is my other half. We both love deeply and know how to show it. Every day I wake up feeling loved and cherished, and I've never had that before. I never could have imagine love could feel this good.

Leaving my ex wasn't something I thought I could do because when I love, I love deeply. I didn't think I was strong enough or ready because honestly I still loved the guy no matter how unhappy I was. No to mention the way it happened, me meeting my soul mate while still living with my ex. Something about the whole situation didn't sit right with me, I'm not that type of person, when I'm committed, I'm committed and loyal. But being with this guy, the way he made me feel and the way we connected, all of it just felt so right that I just had to do something about it. I hate lying and I can't be with two people at once which meant that I had to move fast. I didn't want to give myself to this amazing man if I was still living with my ex so I just had to move out. And I know from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't have left my ex for anyone else but my soul mate, the one person that I'd want to marry without hesitation, the one person I'd see as the best father for my future children and the one person I can see myself spending forever with. Just to be clear on this, I've never found someone that I absolutely wanted forever. Don't get me wrong I've been in love before but I could never picture forever with someone, I always thought this won’t last, I know it’s sad but it’s true. This man and my one decision to leave my ex for him has changed the entire course of my life. It was the ultimate game changer. A life changer. In that one single moment the course of my entire life changed forever.

When I look at him I see everything I'll ever need. I see my future. It's pretty amazing to have someone love and trust me as much as I trust them. We both want the same things in life and he supports my dreams and my schooling. Everything happened all so fast, we hung out for the first time on Christmas when I was down visiting my mom for the holidays. Then he relocated from my hometown to where I'm living now on January 15th to be closer to me and I guess to win me over because he knew he just had to have me. Despite knowing he wanted me he was really patient and understanding, giving me all the time I needed. I ended up moving out of my ex and moving in with him on February 7th. It was all very hectic and hard since I was grieving my past relationship and dealing with school. I was in so much emotional pain the first week, the pain almost felt unbearable but he was there for me, understanding and not judging, not getting upset that I was in pain over my last relationship. We both moved in to this new place on the same day so we had to start from the beginning, making it livable, making it home. It was hard but it was so worth it.

Charmed

Doubt When Making Changes

I wrote this post right after New Year's Eve this year but didn't know if I should post it. But I finally decided to let my thoughts of that moment be known. I've changed many things in my life and it doesn't get any easier the more times I do it. Changes still scares me. I usually fight it every step of the way trying to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. Although when my heart’s desire becomes greater than the fear, my soul finds the courage to carry on as planned. Taking that leap, that risk that might just change everything.

From last Christmas to this Christmas so much has happened, so much has changed, but still so much is still the same. I'm almost in the same position I was a year ago. I'm in a relationship where I'm rarely happy but God, the Goddess, destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it, has seen fit to put another man in my life to give me another chance at happiness, if only I have the courage to reach out and take the opportunity given to me. This is not something I do carelessly or easily, be it bad or good, all my choices are calculated, exploring every possibly; the things that can go wrong and the things that can go right. I tend to over analyze everything and get lost in my own mind. I'm obviously a Pisces but being a Pisces also means that I rely a lot on my instincts and emotions which are an important part of the calculating process.

When I make the decision to go ahead with something it’s with a lot of thought and care, which sometimes makes me hesitate and I miss out on the wonderful opportunity given to me. It’s really helping that my emotions are really strong for this person, I can’t believe how much I feel connected to him and it all just feels so right. On the other hand I'm nervous and scared because I've been fooled before and I've learnt not to trust my instinct. I'm not saying this person isn't a wonderful person but what if he changes with time and becomes someone completely different, its happened to me before. On top of that I'm really scared about having to deal with the guy I'm in a relationship with, I know he will make it hard for me to leave. He will fight and I don't completely trust him to let me leave with all my things. I don't even want to think about how that's going to work or how it will even happen. See I'm over thinking everything again why can't I stop doubting myself.

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Charmed

My Blogs One Year Anniversary

Here are some of the first posts I wrote last year Christmas Posts 2013

It’s my blogs one year anniversary can you believe that? It's funny that until last year I didn't even know what a blog was and had never read any. What introduced me to the blogging world was the movie Julie and Julia, but the one that actually got me to look into it was the movie Textuality. I started this blog last Christmas and I'm extremely happy I've kept it up for a year. To commit to a project that long is a first for me and I'm really proud of myself. I even started two other blogs this year that I ended up deleting because I wanted to focus on this one. The great thing is I'm not tired of it yet and I'm as dedicated as ever.

I know in the past I didn't always proofread my posts and didn't always do a spell check on them because I was so eager to post them. But for the last couple post now I've been proof reading them and running a spell check on them, thanks to some advice from an awesome aunt. I also decided that I'd get some kind of editor when I purchase my new laptop in January (mines about 6 years old lol, I think it’s time to get a new one, plus I'm having a bunch of problems with this one). I figured I'd benefit from more than just a basic spell check since I tend to use some words often and I don't always structure properly. So for this upcoming year my resolution for my blog will be better writing quality, hopefully; and of course another year of commitment posting at least once a week, even if it’s only a quick update.

Charmed

Finally Going Camping

Well I'm leaving tonight at midnight (since I missed the 1 o'clock bus) on the bus to go to my mom’s so we can leave to go camping tomorrow. Thankfully it’s only an hour away, and just over an hour on the bus. I'm super excited. I put a joke up on Facebook about me hitch hiking there and a friend told me there was a tornado warning so to be careful. My response was that I might get there faster if the tornado picked me up ... hehe... But seriously I hope we have good weather while we are camping. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. I really want to go swimming and do some tanning (I'm so white its ridiculous). I haven't gone swimming in who knows how long, but it’s been years. I've been buying 1 swim suit every summer for 3 years thinking i'll be swimming and tanning that summer and now I have 3 swim suits with the tags still on them so I'm bringing them all and making good use of them. I even downloaded some Shakespeare plays on my e-reader to read in the sun while I'm getting my tan on.

I'm finally going to get out of the house and do some socializing. I've been trying to do that more of that lately. I even joined fetlife a couple weeks ago to meet new people and find events in my area. Although I haven't gone to one yet I'm hoping I get too soon. I almost made it to one this month but when I got down town the person I was going with was late and we missed our bus to go to the beach event. So going camping will do me some good and I even got some interviews done which I was worried about getting done before leaving. The people from the 2 interviews I did this week said they would call me next Tuesday or Wednesday to let me know which is perfect since that's about the time I’ll be coming back from camping. And if they don't call I'll probably end up staying longer, but not too long since I need to keep looking for another job. Although I think my chances are pretty good since I got along well with the people who were doing the interview. **Crossing my fingers and praying I get the job** I really need it.

I'm mostly done packing for the camping trip but I'm also bringing a bag of laundry that I’ll need to do when I get to my mom’s at 1:30 am tonight so it’s done for when we leave tomorrow. I need a few things washed for the camping trip and I figured I'd bring the rest of my laundry which has been piling up ever since I heard a rumor that are local wash and dry has been spreading bed bugs. Not to mention that I have such an extreme and irrational fear of bugs that the first couple nights after I heard this I barely slept. I would lay there for several minutes and then turn the lights on and do another complete search of my comforter, sheet, mattress and box-spring. I kept imagining that those things were crawling on me to the point where I thought I felt them. I also did a bunch of research on them and I looked at pictures of them and of how the bites look like. I would even do a full body search every morning to make sure I had no bites anywhere. PARANOID, much!! Well it seems I'm in the clear, no bed bugs for me but I'm definitely not going to that laundry matte ever again. I don't want to go through that ever again, especially when I've just calmed down.

I'm not sure when my next post is going to be since I'll be gone for about a week but I’ll be back I promise :) Now enjoy your weekend everyone and have fun in the sun, I know I will. Also wish me luck or pray I get a call saying I have the job. I really need the money. Thanks.

Charmed

Job Hunting

Since losing my job on June 29th I've been actively looking for a job for the past 2 weeks. The first week I mostly sent resumes online and got a couple interviews that way but with out any luck. So this week I decided to go print out some resumes and drop them off around where I live since I don't have a car and the bus cost money. I haven't had any call backs yet, but I'm hoping I get some as soon as possible this week so I can get the interviews done before I leave to go camping on Thursday, since Ill be gone until Wednesday. Although getting a job is really important to me right now, I just cant miss this camping trip. I've been looking forward to doing the annual camping trip with my mom again ever since I left for college 3 years ago. And this camping trip has been planned for over two months now. Hopefully my cell still works where I'm going camping in case I get a call for a job.

I also made an appointment for Tuesday with someone to help me find a job but I realized afterwards that he is probably not going to want to do anything until I get back from camping. I believe he is going to want to wait because that's exactly what he did when I went and seen him around exam time in April. And then what happened was we kept missing each others calls and leaving each other messages until I just ended finding a job with out him. Hopefully this time he is more helpful and helps me during our appointment instead of rescheduling for when I get back. Although I do understand him maybe wanting to wait, he could still send me to places on Wednesday with my resume. But then again I wont be able to interview until I get back so it might be pointless. As long as our appointment is productive Ill be happy. Maybe he can get a sense of what kind of job I'm looking for and I'm qualified for so that while I'm gone he can find some good places for me to apply at when I get back.

I'm just hoping this week isn't a waste of time on getting closer to finding a job specially since I could be at my moms taking care of my brother and spending time with him while my moms out of town helping my aunt move. I would rather be helping my mom then worrying about finding a job. But after thinking about it I realized that getting a job as soon as possible would mean my mom wouldn't have to keep helping me with money and worrying about me as much. I just want to do the right thing, it was such a difficult decision. Id like to start working as soon as I get back since I really need the money and theirs only going to be 1 month left before I go back to school and cut down my hours to only 1 shift or 2 a week. At this point Id take pretty much any job I can find.

Charmed

Journal Entries

I started writing more in this daily journal style last week and I enjoyed writing about my current situation because it helped me clear my mind and give me some kind of peace. Some of my posts are more general, or their about my past, like my posts about addiction, recovery, self help methods and personal growth motivation. Although I've already written about stuff in my past I haven't written many posts about my current situation and I want to write these types of daily journal entries at least once a week so I can keep track of my mental and emotional growth. I want to be able to look back one day and see the progress and change I've made in my life.

I'm hoping that my journal entries still help and inspire my readers, and make them feel a little less alone for the moment like some of my other post have in the past (or so I've been told). But just in case I'm going to try to mix things up and not only do journal entry posts. Now if you have any suggestions on things I can write about or even a general question I can answer in a post that would really help since I've been having a difficult time finding new things to write about. I've already written about, The fear of Change, Finding Happiness, Letting Go, Alternative Recovery Programs, etc. so I'm looking for new ideas.

I believe a thanks are in order to Annette @  http://journeyofrecoverysearchforserenity.blogspot.ca/
The idea of doing more daily journal style writings is thanks to Annette, a fellow blogger whose writing style I really enjoy. Her posts talk about her day to day which really drew me in and because I've enjoyed reading about her day I felt more comfortable doing this myself knowing my readers might enjoy it also.

Charmed

Drug Free I Finally Notice the Seasons Changing

I believe this is the first spring that I've actually taken the time to notice every little change that this seasons brings. Its even more noticeable in the north where we had such a severe winter. Everyday I would look at the tree in my yard and wait for the leaves to appear little by little. I remember leaving for a weekend and  when I came back it seemed like the tree had grown double if not triple the leaves. I was in awe of these simple leaves growing anew so beautifully every spring. I would also so watch the grass and the plants grow near my house and it seemed like almost overnight they got really tall despite my watchful eye, their growth surprised me.

Every spring I get this immense joy that anything can happen and that great adventures are in my near future. This spring the sensation of excitement and hope are even more prominent then I can remember. I believe having not seen the sun or any of the summer last year has given me a new found appreciation for the wonderful thing that is mother nature. Last summer I worked night shifts from 9:30 pm to 5:30 am which means I slept during daylight for the whole summer. I haven't done any camping or anything adventurous in at lease 4 summers which has given me this extreme determination to make the most of this summer. I definitely do not want to spend my whole summer inside again. 

I just recently got a part time job for the summer because I wanted all the extra time to make the most of my summer despite not having a lot of money I decide to make my priorities different this summer. I've already made plans to enjoy my first fire this weekend, I'm even getting marshmallows. Were going to make a BBQ and have a fire later in the evening. I've also made plans and booked time off the go camping at the end of July with my Mom. I want to hear the waves on the beach and looked at the stars in the sky and I sincerely hope I get to go camping more than once or at lease once more with my boyfriend this summer. My best friend and I also talked about going for a road trip to an amusement park 4-5 hours away. I know that almost every summer I say I want to do all these things but end up not doing it. No matter this summer will be different and I'm already taking action to make sure of that.

The job I got had me a little worried at first but all seems to be going well for now except for not even getting 10 hours this week. Like I know I wanted part time but, wow, 10 hours is just ridiculous. I wanted between 16 and 20 hours but at lease 15 hours. They seemed pretty up tight and strict at first and I kept hearing the same thing from people who had worked at this corner store. They tend to fire people a lot and they say that they won't ever give the person a reason. They also have a lot of rules about personal appearances that I don't really tend to agree with. For example, no visible piercing and no visible tattoos so I have to take mine out and cover my tattoo before every shift. Also my hair has to stay a natural color and I can’t have two different colors in my hair. But whatever I can deal with all that, a job is a job and money is money.

The one thing that’s really bothering me is that they don’t give breaks unless you work more then 5 hours and funny things is they hardly ever put you down on the schedule for more then 5 hours at a time. Oh but hear this, we always have to be there 15 minutes early and we almost always leave 10-15 minutes late which means technically were working more then 5 hours. Oh and because I'm new I have to do all the shitty work, which I think is just crazy at a corner store. Usually tasks are separated equally among the workers, its like that every where else I've worked in the sales industry. I'd understand if it was a corporate office or something of the like but a corner store, its just weird and kinda unfair in my opinion, and probably why they have such a hard time keeping employees. But that could also have to do with the fact that it’s in the worst part of town near where I live so its supposedly gets robbed a lot. Anyways I think I’m going to keep dropping resumes anyways and see if I can’t get a backup plan in case it don’t work out there. 

Despite the job situation I'm still so excited for this summer. I just know it going to be a good summer. I'm enjoying the beautiful weather and the fresh air. I'm enjoying taking walks despite having hurt my ankle really bad 3 weeks ago. It's getting better but not as much as I would of thought after 3 weeks and I know I should probably stay off it but I can't stay inside with this nice weather and I have to be on my feet the whole time I'm at work. Sometimes the pains wakes me up at night so hopefully it gets better soon. I'm really looking forward to that fire and BBQ this weekend. 

Have a great weekend and a great summer everyone!

Charmed

Poem Alone In Your Presence

All alone in your presence.

Did you notice my style

Do you see me smile

I seek your attention

Your love, your passion

Your right here beside me

But I'm still so alone, you see

Doesn't matter that your there

When you don't seem to care

I've been on my own

Always all alone

When its all said and done

Its a relationship for one

Your actions betray your words

For it can't be love that your in

And if it isn't love that you've found

Then why keep me around

Charmed

10 Steps to Market Your Blog

Since starting my blog in December 2012 I've done everything I could think of to get my story and blog out there by watching countless marketing and how to get traffic YouTube videos.Now  I thought its time I share what I've learned along the way to help any fellow blogger get their story out there. Just keep doing the 10 Steps and you'll get more people to your blog. Some of these take time but are really worth it.

1. Check out the most popular blogs like yours to see what your reader are into and get inspired.
2. Write meaningful comments on those blogs with a link to your blog.
3.Respond to all comments on your blog. Interact with your audience. 
4. Submit Articles or Guest Post on other Blogs. 
5. Submit your blog to all search engines. Google, Bing etc. 
6. Submit your Blog to as many blog directories as you can. 
7. Use as many Social Media Networks that you have time to keep updated. 
8. Find your audience on the social media sites. 
9. Share meaningful pictures, quotes, and status. 
10. Use tags anywhere you can so people can find your content.

Charmed

Heroes In Recovery Published My Story

Feel Free To Go Check it Out
http://www.heroesinrecovery.com/stories/charmeds-story/

You can also submit your story to them, they publish a story a day, so they might publish yours. Sharing our stories help more people then you know. Im also looking for people to guest post their recovery story on my blog. Feel free to contact me @ chelsie.brouillette@gmail.com if you want to share your story or have any questions. If your a regular reader you will notice that the story that was published in Heros in Recovery was My Addiction Story Summarized that I posted a while ago. I'm so happy I finally got published, hopefully this is the beginning of my career as an author. Its a good day today. Dreams of being an author fill my mind.

Charmed

My Life After the Addiction

After the addiction here I am, a 23 year old (soon to be 24 on march 12th) university student studying psychology and hoping to one day be able to help people and families dealing with addiction. I haven't been an active addict for 4 years but sadly I don't  remember my exact sober date because I was a little lost and confused at the time. I had tried to quit so many times before I wasn't really paying attention to the date but at lease I know I quit coke in August 2008 and oxys a few months after that. I wish I remembered the exact date because its seems to be such a big deal among recovering addicts but sadly I don't know.I guess knowing the month will have to do.

In these four years I started by getting my high school diploma in the first year and applied to university (I got accepted in the two schools I applied for). The following three years have been spent working towards my bachelors in psychology which I believe was the perfect decision for me. I love psychology. The human mind and behavior fascinate me.

Until just a few years ago I had no plan or goals for the future therefore no way of working towards them. I believe in being independent and not having to rely on anyone but myself. For once I have hope that I can have a different life then my parents did and that my future holds more promise then my past ever did. Despite having this hope I'm also full of worry that once I'm done school I wont find a job in my field. I think about it a lot and it scares me, I don't know what to do.

Now getting to where I am today wasn't that easy and there's a lot more to the story. It was a long process that I took one day at a time and it got a little better everyday. It also got much better when I took the time to reflect all the possibilities life had to offer me like what new hobbies I could get interested in. When I was in the middle of my addiction I had lost interest in everything but drugs so discovering what makes me happy and what I like to do was a great process. It was also very important to my recovery because I needed to find something else to occupy my time besides doing drugs. It started with reading books, the magic of getting lost in a book was a great release for me.

There was also doing school work because I like learning and loved the feeling of accomplishing something, its very satisfying. I also loved writing always have even before I knew how to write, Id make symbols on a line over and over again. I'm really hoping to be an author one day and lately I've been thinking about putting some words down and see if I can't get a book started. I use too write poems a lot and I'd also make raps with them, it was a lot of fun.

I found an online multi-player game that was also a lot of fun because I got to talk to other people with out putting myself out there too much. Again like most games it was goal oriented and I got that gratifying feeling of accomplishing something. Another great pass time was watching T.V. series they made me feel less alone because over the course of a season, unlike a movie, I got the time to get to know the characters and grow close to them. I actually felt part of their world and I learned lessons from their struggles and the way the interacted with one another.

There's also this blog that I started a little over 2 months ago which has been a source of great relief and happiness because I get to write and at the same time let go of my pass. I've been a little busy pass  2-3 weeks and I haven't been writing on my blog as much as I like too. I found myself running out of ideas because I don't want to repeat myself too much. So I've decided to not just write about my pass like I've been doing but writing about my day to day stuff, that way I can keep writing even if I've said all I wanted to say about my past for that moment.

If I cant think of anything to write I usually go on the FACEBOOK PAGE for this blog and post images of quotes or ask my followers questions which I really enjoy because I get to read their comments. Finally I started drawing about two months ago around the same time I started this blog and I found that although it takes a lot of time and effort its very rewarding and is a great way to keep my mind busy. Here's my latest drawing that I did on the 2nd of March. It was my favorite show as a kid and honestly a show I still enjoy watching.

Sailor Moon: 02/03/13 

There still a lot of different things I want to try and do. On the top of my list is traveling and if I had the money I'd be doing as much of it as possible. Coming back from spring break this year I heard a lot of students talking about how they went to all these different places like Italy, Santa maria, Cuba and lots more because in most cases their parents paid. Hearing about it makes me want to go all the more and although my parents never had money to send me anywhere it didn't stop me from always dreaming of all the new places I could visit. I want to see the history in the world, explore a temple or walk among the ruins of an ancient village, see nature in all its different forms. Its something I absolutely have to do. A few other things I would love to try is yoga, kick boxing or martial arts, rock climbing, learn meditation and explore spirituality, taking dance, drawing, painting, sculpture and guitar lessons. The possibilities are endless but most of these things require money which I'm lacking, being a student and living off loans. But one day, one day for sure I'll get to do these wonderful things. I'm just proud and happy with what I've been able to do so far and looking forward to all the possibilities my future holds. I finally realize just how much I have to live for.

Happy Valentines Day Recovering Addicts ???

I'm seeing a lot of negativity around this holiday from singles and couples alike. I understand where they are coming from. Expectations or being single on this holiday can make it quite miserable. Some people think its just an excuse for companies to make money and maybe it is but you don't need to spend money to make it a wonderful occasion. For example, last valentines day we made homemade cards which are the best because its personalized and we gave each other a massage before bed, which led to other things of course, haha. We didn't have money and we didn't expect anything except making time to just be together.

Oh but what if your single, what fun is that for you ? Well let me tell you. Since love is the main topic on this day show yourself some love. Do something that makes you happy, something just for you. For me, it would go something like this. Id go tanning and get my nails done, go home eat something delicious, take a bubble bath with candles and rent a good movie or get a good book. And voila, I got the perfect valentines day. Of course what you do for yourself depends on what you like. Make this day about you.

Whether your single or committed you decide how good your day can be. Forget money, expectation or the fact that your single and just have fun.

Love Charmed

New Sketches

I've been drawing a lot this pass week and it seems like I'm getting a little obsessed. haha  The time just flies by when I'm drawing. Its hard to describe the feeling I get when I'm drawing especially if it was a challenging drawing (Like the drawing The Me In My Head ). I guess if I had to describe it I'd say its like a peace but not only that, its more like excitement mixed in with a little frustration then finally when its done I feel pride. In a world where I use to have so little to be proud of, its not a feeling I really got accustomed to but its seems that I've taken a liking to it. Nothing makes me prouder then what hard work can accomplish. The Me In My Head sketch was by far the hardest and took the most time but its the one I'm the most proud of. The two sketches before that one were like practice so lots of work went into it.

Polar Bear

Around Christmas 2012

Tinker Bell

03/02/13

Koala 

07/02/13

Daffy Duck

07/02/13

Sexy Lips

08/02/13

Window to the Soul

08/02/13

The Me In My Head

10/02/13

Prioritizing

I've always had a difficult time prioritizing my life even before my addiction but now that I'm better I thinks its time I really try working on it. 

I find time goes by way too fast, no matter what I'm doing and even knowing this I always think I'll have more time. I end up doing what I really want to do instead of what needs to be done. This especially damaging now that I'm in school since I have to make the due dates for essays and exams. I always leave everything to the last minute and so far I've managed it but recently I've realized that if I don't start prioritizing I'm going to fall behind maybe even fail. So I've decided to shape up, starting with doing all the homework daily instead of pushing it all off to the weekend. So far I've done two school projects, I've washed my floors, went through my clothes to give stuff away, I folded them and put them away. This was a bigger task then most can imagine since I have a lot of clothes from years and years of hoarding them. A lot doesn't fit anymore but the ones I'm really attached to I don't give away hoping one day I'll fit in it again. (Not such a good idea) I put my first posters up on my wall (I've been here over a year). I still need to organize my closet and library, and I still have a lot of homework but I'm off to a good start. I hope I can keep it up. There's just so many different things I wish I had the time to do or start doing, like my sketching, my blogging, meditation, start writing poems again, learn more about crystals and spirituality, and of course reading. The list goes on and on, I remember when I use to be so bored all the time and now a days I can't spare a second being bored. The world just has so much to offer. If I didn't have to sleep, I wouldn't,  unless I wanted to get lost in a dream, that's fun too.

Charmed

Meditation: When Nothing Else Works in Recovery

Most addicts don't like being alone with their thoughts and that's why we use drugs. 

We want to suppress them at all cost but that means the problem never goes away. Its always just below the surface ready to come out again as soon as we let our guard down. One great thing about recovering is being able to deal with my thoughts even when their unpleasant. Now since I wanted to talk about something a bit more positive I decided to share my recent discovery into meditation. I know that Ill be writing about my past some more soon (since writing it down helps me understand it better) but for today I thought meditation would be fun. Meditation is about clearing your thoughts and only focusing on your breathing but as some of you might know that's not always easy. Its easy to get distracted and since we're not focused on a specific thought sometimes this gives the chance for negative thoughts or memories to come to the surface. I found that when this happens I quickly acknowledge the negative memory and then focus back on my breathing. Eventually the memory isn't associated with as much negativity but the relax state I was in when the memory occurred. If its something that's in the past and can't be change then the thought doesn't come back as often since I'm kind of at peace with it now. If it's something I haven't really dealt with yet then after the meditation I feel more sure of myself and what I should do about it. This is my experience so far and I'm sure it wont always be the same for me or anyone else. I haven't been doing it very long because I use to feel like I didn't have enough time for it. But one things for sure it helps me focus and reduce my stress. I'll definitely keep trying to find time to do it and if anyone wants updates on how its been going just leave a comment.

Here's a good meditation video

Hope you like,
Charmed