Recovering Addict Mantra: Getting Back up & Chasing the Dream

When you find something that motivates you, grab on to it and don't let it go. It's incredible when life presents us with clear signs to remind us and to set us back on the right path. I feel like the universe is telling me to kick it up a notch.

Thanksgiving is What You Make It, The Power of Positive Thinking

As we celebrate Thanksgiving this weekend in Canada I want to take this time to remind everyone to think about all the things there thankful for in their life. I know its not easy when everything seems to be a struggle and frustrating things keep happening but focusing on the good will bring more good into your life. I know this because I use to be a very angry and unhappy person. I was constantly disappointed by the people in my life, expecting too much of them and placing my happiness in their hands. I would focus on the things that weren't going right and the things I wasn't getting instead of focusing on the good I had. I was essentially giving away my power to be happy and I needed to take it back if I was every going to be happy. This is something I really had to do not just for me but for my baby. I didn't want my child to grow up around someone who was always miserable and in turn become unhappy themselves.

In the past few months I've been trying really hard to spend more time practicing gratitude and positive thinking instead of focusing on the negative. At first, I spent a lot of time reprimanding myself and redirecting my thoughts when I noticed myself getting negative, but noticing negative thoughts wasn't always easy since it had become such a part of my life. It took sometime for it to become a daily thing but I really have noticed a difference in the amount of time I spend being happy instead of angry and frustrated. I still have to work at redirecting my thoughts when I get angry, and some times are harder than others, especially when life gets difficult and problems pile up, but it has become easier and I find I don't have to reprimand myself as much as I use to. This transformation of perspective really wasn't an easy journey for me and I still have a ways to go but it's all extremely worth  it.

I might have no energy, a to do list that keeps piling up, small apartment that really needs a good cleaning, a car that needs quite a bit of work and no money, but at least I have an apartment, a car and a family that loves me. I have some food, I'm working towards my education, and I have a wonderful baby boy on the way with a sweet, loving, although stubborn, man that I love very much. Im also lucky to have great people around me willing to help me get everything I need for the baby, and a lot of great hobbies that make me happy. Its a lot to be thankful for and although I often get wrapped up in the stress of not having any money or not getting as much help around the house as I would like, I still find a way to remember what I do have. Its all about perspective, the more I work at seeing the positive the happier I am.This thanksgiving I'm going over to my grandmas with my mom and hubby. We don't need a big supper or lots of people around to be happy and grateful, just spending sometime with the ones that mean the most to us with some food in our tummies is more then enough to stay be thankful for.

Thank you so much for stopping by. Lets stay in touch :)
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Charmed

Why Expressive Outlets Are Important in Recovery

I have found that a healthy creative outlet where I can express myself has been a very important part of my recovery. I've noticed that a lot of addiction recovery centers offer art classes and other types of creative outlets to help in the recovery process. They might just be on to something here. A few words by The Addiction Recovery Guide describing (way better then I ever could) why being creative can be helpful in recovery (they also mention lots of other interesting and useful therapies like journaling, animal, music, hypnosis etc., definitely worth checking out :

The creative therapies can be very helpful in the process of recovery from addiction. They offer the opportunity to get in touch with the inner self and with the higher power and can provide a form of expression for feelings that cannot be easily identified or put into words. Through helping the person with an addiction connect with his/her more authentic self, the expressive therapies can help raise self-esteem and provide an opportunity to create new experiences beyond habitual and painful emotional patterns. The creative arts foster a renewed ability to relax without drugs or alcohol.

Ever since I began my recovery I remember wanting to be creative anyway I could. Some of the many things I enjoyed were drawing, coloring, knitting and my two favorites are writing/blogging and making healing trees. I do it because I absolutely love it and would be in heaven if I could actually make a living on it. I know you guys feel me right, its everybody dream to make a living doing something they love, something they are completely and truly passionate about. I am even lucky enough to have something be really helpful to my recovery.

When I get overwhelmed with my life, being creative can help me find peace and a serene state of mind. Its like all this emotional build up and blockage I can sometimes feel gets released. I've noticed this even more lately when I started doing my healing trees again. I had stopped for a while because I was having a hard time selling them and I just had so many made. Thankfully my aunt took them off my hands and put them in her shop and after a while I finally started wanting to make more that I could have with me to try to sell on my own again. In the end selling them isn't what matters, the wonderful feeling I get when making them is enough for me to keep at it (well until I run out of supplies since their not cheap Ill have to wait till I sell some to buy more).

My point here is to find some creative hobby you love to do because its has so many therapeutic benefits specially for someone in recovery. Find time for you and let your imagination free. It really does calm my mind and just puts me in an overall happier mood which makes me more patient and understanding.

If you want to take a look at my healing trees here's the link to my ebay page :) and the link the my healing trees facebook page. 

Charmed

Having Fun Camping Sober

I finally left for camp this weekend. I had been anxiously waiting to go camping since last summer. I love camping and nature I just feel so at home and like I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be in the world. Its very relaxing, grounding and recharging. It makes one realize how wonderful sobriety can be. When your sober enough to notice the stars in the sky and the trees around you.


I spent a total of four nights there and although I'm ready to go home I hope I get to camp at least one more time this summer. I was there for their Christmas in July festival so I got to see a lot of people.  My aunt rented a cabin here and my cousin who's helping with the baby shower also came by with her one year old daughter. Each day had something different. They had lots of different things going on but I enjoyed the fireworks and cotton candy the most. They were even giving away free hotdogs and hamburger, plus Santa gave away free gifts to the kids on the last day. The camp ground was pretty packed for the event. I really enjoy camping, the sun, the bbqs and the campfires are the best.

Besides that I played some Texas Horse shoe and went swimming with my mom, my lil ten year old brother and my hubby. I even got to catch up and go swimming alone with a childhood best friend of mine who's also pregnant. Too bad I got swimmers itch on my bum, its driving me crazy, and I had even rinsed off in the shower after swimming and got changed right away. But nope I still got it and always have a this beach when I was a kid. Funny how my brother got the itch at the exact same place couple days before.

This was exactly what I needed this week. Family time camping will always be one of my top favorite things to do. Hope you all get to do stuff you love this summer and unplug from the world for a bit, it really does wonders for the soul.

Charmed

Is There Anybody Out There??

I've been dwelling on the fact that theirs probably only a very little amount of people that read my blog anymore. I don't even remember the last time someone commented on one of my post. That's probably somewhat my fault for disappearing months at a time here and there when I get busy with school. I know it shouldn't matter too much if not many people read my posts and I just should do it for myself and that's true. I want to be able to look back in years from now and see what I was thinking about at the time, but I already have a journal for that. I could do it to improve my writing but I find I'm more motivated to write good posts when I know people will be reading them. Its important to me to reach out to others and create some kind of support system with people who have dealt with addiction in their lives. A lot of the time I think of things I'd like to write about but then I think why bother no one will read it anyways. Here's to hoping that if I keep up with my writing at least once a week like Ive been doing Ill get more readers and more comments to let me know you guys are there and enjoying my posts.This is my 100th posts. :)  Have a great weekend everyone.

Charmed

Love is Hard Work

Relationships often challenge us to redefine ourselves. We must find a way to compromise and learn each others sensitive issues so that we may handle them with care. All our faults tend to come out in a close relationship. Our communication issues, our trust issues, our commitment issues, or self esteem issues. They all tend to come out and as hard as that can be on the relationship it gives us the opportunity to better ourselves by taking a look at our issues and working on them. Having gotten pregnant right at the beginning of my current relationship let me tell you all my issues are intensified specially in the first three months when my emotions were all over the place. Its not as bad now but still have a few kinks to work out. 

Its hard accepting that things change in a relationship, that it won't be like it was in the beginning. Something's that are said in the beginning to impress one another end up creating expectations that often lead to disappointment if we put too much trust in those first moments when people tend to portray who they want to be rather than who they really are. It took me a bit to realize that's how things are and that it is what it is. I try to be more tolerant and not expecting too much and so far its helped our relationship a lot.

I got better at not dwelling on how good things were in the beginning and wishing it was still like that because that made me resentful and angry which was only making things worst. I felt like I had been manipulated to fall in love and once I had that effort stopped. I felt like the relationship was disappointing but that's only because I was comparing it to how good it was in the beginning but when I started comparing it with past relationships and other relationships I've seen I realized our relationship wasn't that bad after all. It was actually pretty damn good. Don't get me wrong we still have our ups and downs but its filled with love and caring which makes it all worth it.

I know I have had troubles in my past two major relationships to see the good in my relationships, to appreciate what I had and for some reason I always felt like I deserved better. I don't know why I was this way and since realizing it I have gotten better at taking a moment to appreciate the good that I know was there all along I just never paid it much attention. Now I want to focus on the positive not just for me but for the little baby on the way. I want a stable, calm, loving, accepting environment to raise our baby in. I want to show them to see the beauty in life and appreciate all the positive that is sent our way. Wish me luck.

Charmed

Poem: The Love of A Soulmate

In my heart forever will you stay,
Ever since that Christmas Day,
For the first time ever, I saw my forever,
Something we could build together.

Looking into a crowd and you’re all I see,
Nobody but you means this much to me,
The love you show me everyday
Keeps all the fear and pain away

All because I have found myself in you,
All of what I am I see mirrored in you,
It seems we have always been connected,
Waiting for our bodies and souls to be united.

Every time we are together,
It’s from one extreme to the other,
Our love and passion is so intense,
Gives me a feeling of time in suspense.

Our minds are linked by invisible ties,
That when I look into your eyes,
The whole world disappears,
No doubt, no fear.

To my one true Love and Father of the growing baby in my tummy D <3

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Charmed

That One Decision That Changed Everything

I never really believed that anything like this could ever actually happen to me. That the perfect guy for me would walk into my life, sweep me off my feet and take me away from my unhappy and most of all unhealthy relationship. I thought things like that only existed in books and movies. Having someone just so perfectly matched for me, it was like he was made for me. I never thought in a million years that someone could complete me so spiritually, physically and emotionally to the point of having me believing in soul mates. I have to tell you it’s all so weird how it happened that I don't doubt that it was anything else but fate that brought us together. The signs were all there continually reminding me that I was making the right decision by moving forward with this man. We continually read each other minds, finished each other’s sentences and would send each other the exact same text at the exact same time. We have so much in common, it really feels like he is my other half. We both love deeply and know how to show it. Every day I wake up feeling loved and cherished, and I've never had that before. I never could have imagine love could feel this good.

Leaving my ex wasn't something I thought I could do because when I love, I love deeply. I didn't think I was strong enough or ready because honestly I still loved the guy no matter how unhappy I was. No to mention the way it happened, me meeting my soul mate while still living with my ex. Something about the whole situation didn't sit right with me, I'm not that type of person, when I'm committed, I'm committed and loyal. But being with this guy, the way he made me feel and the way we connected, all of it just felt so right that I just had to do something about it. I hate lying and I can't be with two people at once which meant that I had to move fast. I didn't want to give myself to this amazing man if I was still living with my ex so I just had to move out. And I know from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't have left my ex for anyone else but my soul mate, the one person that I'd want to marry without hesitation, the one person I'd see as the best father for my future children and the one person I can see myself spending forever with. Just to be clear on this, I've never found someone that I absolutely wanted forever. Don't get me wrong I've been in love before but I could never picture forever with someone, I always thought this won’t last, I know it’s sad but it’s true. This man and my one decision to leave my ex for him has changed the entire course of my life. It was the ultimate game changer. A life changer. In that one single moment the course of my entire life changed forever.

When I look at him I see everything I'll ever need. I see my future. It's pretty amazing to have someone love and trust me as much as I trust them. We both want the same things in life and he supports my dreams and my schooling. Everything happened all so fast, we hung out for the first time on Christmas when I was down visiting my mom for the holidays. Then he relocated from my hometown to where I'm living now on January 15th to be closer to me and I guess to win me over because he knew he just had to have me. Despite knowing he wanted me he was really patient and understanding, giving me all the time I needed. I ended up moving out of my ex and moving in with him on February 7th. It was all very hectic and hard since I was grieving my past relationship and dealing with school. I was in so much emotional pain the first week, the pain almost felt unbearable but he was there for me, understanding and not judging, not getting upset that I was in pain over my last relationship. We both moved in to this new place on the same day so we had to start from the beginning, making it livable, making it home. It was hard but it was so worth it.

Charmed

My Blogs One Year Anniversary

Here are some of the first posts I wrote last year Christmas Posts 2013

It’s my blogs one year anniversary can you believe that? It's funny that until last year I didn't even know what a blog was and had never read any. What introduced me to the blogging world was the movie Julie and Julia, but the one that actually got me to look into it was the movie Textuality. I started this blog last Christmas and I'm extremely happy I've kept it up for a year. To commit to a project that long is a first for me and I'm really proud of myself. I even started two other blogs this year that I ended up deleting because I wanted to focus on this one. The great thing is I'm not tired of it yet and I'm as dedicated as ever.

I know in the past I didn't always proofread my posts and didn't always do a spell check on them because I was so eager to post them. But for the last couple post now I've been proof reading them and running a spell check on them, thanks to some advice from an awesome aunt. I also decided that I'd get some kind of editor when I purchase my new laptop in January (mines about 6 years old lol, I think it’s time to get a new one, plus I'm having a bunch of problems with this one). I figured I'd benefit from more than just a basic spell check since I tend to use some words often and I don't always structure properly. So for this upcoming year my resolution for my blog will be better writing quality, hopefully; and of course another year of commitment posting at least once a week, even if it’s only a quick update.

Charmed

Taking on Responsibilities

Since moving away to go to school, I've been adjusting to the fact that I needed to take on more responsibilities. I guess I've also been fighting that fact, just barely floating by. Always eating take out and getting by with the bare minimum cleaning. Getting paper plates, plastic utensils etc. I always felt tired and like I didn't have the time. I would miss appointments or often be late (except for work). I felt exactly how my life was unorganized and barely making it work.

Before I moved I had my ex who would do the cooking and cleaning specially when I was working and going to school since I just didn't have the time or energy. I also had my mom to bring me to my appointments, to get my medication and to any kind of shopping I needed to do. I guess that's why I never really got accustomed to doing those things for myself and made it that much harder when I moved to a new town all by myself only a couple years after getting sober.

At first things were extremely hard specially since I was dealing with a major break up from a 6 year relationship which is most of my teenage years. I was truly alone for the first time. Taking anymore responsibility at that point just seemed impossible so I did the bare minimum to get by. I guess you could say I could barely take care of myself. I went to school and fed myself but that was about it.

Then something changed this past year, starting with last summer. I'm not exactly sure what it is but since working full time for the first time in my life (44 hours a week graveyard) everything else seemed a bit easier in comparison. At first I still ate take out and tried to not get anything dirty, that way I wouldn't have to clean as much. I just didn't seem to have time for those things although I was getting more energy so I got better with getting to my appointments in time and getting school essays done in time.

And that's how the changed started.

Now these past few months something else has changed. I started cooking most of my meals, doing groceries, cleaning regularly, doing laundry dished, scrubbing the bathroom, going out for walks, etc. I don't know why its possible now when it wasn't before but I feel like this past year has changed a lot in me. I'm more ready to face whatever life brings my way. I'm more confident that I can make it on my own when before I was barely holding on, waiting for someone to rescue me.

Life's hard but the more I do for myself the more I realize I can make it. I'm finally becoming the independent woman I always wanted to be. I still have a long way to go but for the first time since getting clean I feel like I can actually do this whole normal life thing on my own. This is a big step towards being emotionally ready to be single or stay in a relationship because I want to not because I'm scared of being alone. If this year changed me this much I wonder how much more things will be different next year.

Charmed

Drug Free I Finally Notice the Seasons Changing

I believe this is the first spring that I've actually taken the time to notice every little change that this seasons brings. Its even more noticeable in the north where we had such a severe winter. Everyday I would look at the tree in my yard and wait for the leaves to appear little by little. I remember leaving for a weekend and  when I came back it seemed like the tree had grown double if not triple the leaves. I was in awe of these simple leaves growing anew so beautifully every spring. I would also so watch the grass and the plants grow near my house and it seemed like almost overnight they got really tall despite my watchful eye, their growth surprised me.

Every spring I get this immense joy that anything can happen and that great adventures are in my near future. This spring the sensation of excitement and hope are even more prominent then I can remember. I believe having not seen the sun or any of the summer last year has given me a new found appreciation for the wonderful thing that is mother nature. Last summer I worked night shifts from 9:30 pm to 5:30 am which means I slept during daylight for the whole summer. I haven't done any camping or anything adventurous in at lease 4 summers which has given me this extreme determination to make the most of this summer. I definitely do not want to spend my whole summer inside again. 

I just recently got a part time job for the summer because I wanted all the extra time to make the most of my summer despite not having a lot of money I decide to make my priorities different this summer. I've already made plans to enjoy my first fire this weekend, I'm even getting marshmallows. Were going to make a BBQ and have a fire later in the evening. I've also made plans and booked time off the go camping at the end of July with my Mom. I want to hear the waves on the beach and looked at the stars in the sky and I sincerely hope I get to go camping more than once or at lease once more with my boyfriend this summer. My best friend and I also talked about going for a road trip to an amusement park 4-5 hours away. I know that almost every summer I say I want to do all these things but end up not doing it. No matter this summer will be different and I'm already taking action to make sure of that.

The job I got had me a little worried at first but all seems to be going well for now except for not even getting 10 hours this week. Like I know I wanted part time but, wow, 10 hours is just ridiculous. I wanted between 16 and 20 hours but at lease 15 hours. They seemed pretty up tight and strict at first and I kept hearing the same thing from people who had worked at this corner store. They tend to fire people a lot and they say that they won't ever give the person a reason. They also have a lot of rules about personal appearances that I don't really tend to agree with. For example, no visible piercing and no visible tattoos so I have to take mine out and cover my tattoo before every shift. Also my hair has to stay a natural color and I can’t have two different colors in my hair. But whatever I can deal with all that, a job is a job and money is money.

The one thing that’s really bothering me is that they don’t give breaks unless you work more then 5 hours and funny things is they hardly ever put you down on the schedule for more then 5 hours at a time. Oh but hear this, we always have to be there 15 minutes early and we almost always leave 10-15 minutes late which means technically were working more then 5 hours. Oh and because I'm new I have to do all the shitty work, which I think is just crazy at a corner store. Usually tasks are separated equally among the workers, its like that every where else I've worked in the sales industry. I'd understand if it was a corporate office or something of the like but a corner store, its just weird and kinda unfair in my opinion, and probably why they have such a hard time keeping employees. But that could also have to do with the fact that it’s in the worst part of town near where I live so its supposedly gets robbed a lot. Anyways I think I’m going to keep dropping resumes anyways and see if I can’t get a backup plan in case it don’t work out there. 

Despite the job situation I'm still so excited for this summer. I just know it going to be a good summer. I'm enjoying the beautiful weather and the fresh air. I'm enjoying taking walks despite having hurt my ankle really bad 3 weeks ago. It's getting better but not as much as I would of thought after 3 weeks and I know I should probably stay off it but I can't stay inside with this nice weather and I have to be on my feet the whole time I'm at work. Sometimes the pains wakes me up at night so hopefully it gets better soon. I'm really looking forward to that fire and BBQ this weekend. 

Have a great weekend and a great summer everyone!

Charmed

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's day is such a special day, I'm not a mom myself but I know how much mothers are important in our world and how often they go unappreciated when we are children. They are the foundation of our humanity, the rock and glue that holds us up and keeps us together. I'm so happy I got to come down and visit my mom this weekend. I had really missed her and hadn't seen her in over a month. She isn't just my mother she's my best friend and we share this amazing bond. A bond that has grown by leaps and bounds throughout my addiction and recovery. After everything we went through together and having her by my side through it all. The dedication and strength she had to help me get better is just amazing and I don't think she even realizes how great she really is. I can tell her all my secrets and she always has the best advice. She's there when I need her even when I don't ask. She's always thinking of her children and puts them first. Her big heart knows no bounds. She's selfless and strong. She's my mother and I love her. Since I don't have any money this Mother's day I wanted to dedicate a post just for her. Sharing one of my fondest memories of her and a poem I wrote for her.

One Of My Fondest Memory:

One summer about 4-5 years ago we decided to go camping together, something we hadn't done in a very long time. It was an all girls camping trip with two of my aunts who were also camping with us. I remember sharing a tent and cooking on the fire, playing cards late into the night. We had the best time and I was so happy. I had all of my mother attention because none of my brothers or our boyfriends were there. It’s a memory I cherish and hold close to my heart. I'm always hoping we can make a similar memory in the near future. I have brought it up a couple summers in a row now so hopefully we will go this summer just the two of us. I really miss the bonding time we had camping but any time spent with my mom is cherished. I'm so lucky to have such a great mom.

Poem: Dear MOM

You always come to help me 

You always want to be there for me

Even when you shouldn't be able

Your love is truly unconditional

You never gave up on me

When everyone said let it be

You stood by me through it all

Picked me up when I would fall

Thanks to your love and patience 

I have finally found my confidence

I turned out great to everyone dismay

You taught me to be the woman I am today

For all of that and more I have to say

I love you more every single day

You’re not just my mom, you’re my best friend

And you will be in my heart till the very end

Thank You Mom for all that you are to me.

Charmed 

Heroes In Recovery Published My Story

Feel Free To Go Check it Out
http://www.heroesinrecovery.com/stories/charmeds-story/

You can also submit your story to them, they publish a story a day, so they might publish yours. Sharing our stories help more people then you know. Im also looking for people to guest post their recovery story on my blog. Feel free to contact me @ chelsie.brouillette@gmail.com if you want to share your story or have any questions. If your a regular reader you will notice that the story that was published in Heros in Recovery was My Addiction Story Summarized that I posted a while ago. I'm so happy I finally got published, hopefully this is the beginning of my career as an author. Its a good day today. Dreams of being an author fill my mind.

Charmed

Doing Easter Clean and Sober

Easter, for me isn't about religion like it is for most people but I do enjoy it and who's going to complain about an extra long weekend off. I always get a long weekend during the school year since I always have Fridays off so when there's a Monday thrown in well now that's a long weekend. With Easter already here and me almost being done this school year with final exams start next Monday I'm starting to really feel summer coming along fast. We finally just started getting nice weather here, that means its above 5 degrees Celsius which is still cold for most people but at lease its not minus 40 like it was in January and February. So visiting family with spring in the air is the best kind of Easter, It brings back memories of the chocolate filled mornings I use to have searching for my prize with my older brother. I even stole 1 smarty from my ten year brother earlier and we had a good laugh, I even teased him about the location of his stash. I also enjoyed a nice supper at my aunts and got to meet my cousin new born baby, she's six weeks old and my cousin is around my age. I even got to hold her after being a little apprehensive, I didn't know how I'd feel about it since my pregnancy issue I had a year ago. But everything was great and I enjoyed meeting her.

Its nice to be with family even if it can be tiring and stressful at times. This weekend I decided not to go out to the bar like I usually would on a holiday when I'm visiting family instead I'm enjoying just relaxing at my moms by myself. Although I would of liked to spend more time with the family I was tired and they wanted to go out. I'm suppose to go to my dads for a few hours tomorrow and I having a bit of anxiety over it. I just don't know how to feel about it. I'm suppose to pick up some of my stuff but I have no idea where I'm going to put it just that I don't want it there anymore, stuff is going missing like every time I've ever left my stuff with my dad. Its stressful and frustrating. I just want to go through it and keep what necessary with me and just forget the rest. I'm glad I grabbed my photo albums last time I was there. It seems he's with the woman who called the cops and my dad might go to jail which I talked about in the Daddy-going-to-jail post. So I really don't know what to expect when I go there. 

I also have a big project to do for school and it has to be done by Wednesday so I have to keep working on that all weekend. Last week I had to do another oral presentation and I must of got hit by the bad luck bus. The one day I had to get to class no matter what, since I had big presentation at 1:00 pm, my stupid alarm doesn't go off and I don't wake up until 1:00 pm. I even went to bed early to make sure I was rested and I still get up at 1. I was freaking out not believing the clock.  So I call a cab right away still in P.J.s, I throw whatever clothes I find on the ground, brush my teeth, tie my hair and get outside as the cab gets there. By then its just after 1:10 and I still need to go to library to print notes, so I can actually do the presentation, and then get to class. I kept thinking I'm not going to make it but after a 25$ cab ride and a run to the library I finally get to class at 1:40. Thankfully two other groups went before us and the second wasn't done yet so I actually got to do my presentation which was worth 25% of my final mark. Its funny how unlucky lucky I am. If that makes sense.

Happy Easter Everyone!
Charmed

My Life After the Addiction

After the addiction here I am, a 23 year old (soon to be 24 on march 12th) university student studying psychology and hoping to one day be able to help people and families dealing with addiction. I haven't been an active addict for 4 years but sadly I don't  remember my exact sober date because I was a little lost and confused at the time. I had tried to quit so many times before I wasn't really paying attention to the date but at lease I know I quit coke in August 2008 and oxys a few months after that. I wish I remembered the exact date because its seems to be such a big deal among recovering addicts but sadly I don't know.I guess knowing the month will have to do.

In these four years I started by getting my high school diploma in the first year and applied to university (I got accepted in the two schools I applied for). The following three years have been spent working towards my bachelors in psychology which I believe was the perfect decision for me. I love psychology. The human mind and behavior fascinate me.

Until just a few years ago I had no plan or goals for the future therefore no way of working towards them. I believe in being independent and not having to rely on anyone but myself. For once I have hope that I can have a different life then my parents did and that my future holds more promise then my past ever did. Despite having this hope I'm also full of worry that once I'm done school I wont find a job in my field. I think about it a lot and it scares me, I don't know what to do.

Now getting to where I am today wasn't that easy and there's a lot more to the story. It was a long process that I took one day at a time and it got a little better everyday. It also got much better when I took the time to reflect all the possibilities life had to offer me like what new hobbies I could get interested in. When I was in the middle of my addiction I had lost interest in everything but drugs so discovering what makes me happy and what I like to do was a great process. It was also very important to my recovery because I needed to find something else to occupy my time besides doing drugs. It started with reading books, the magic of getting lost in a book was a great release for me.

There was also doing school work because I like learning and loved the feeling of accomplishing something, its very satisfying. I also loved writing always have even before I knew how to write, Id make symbols on a line over and over again. I'm really hoping to be an author one day and lately I've been thinking about putting some words down and see if I can't get a book started. I use too write poems a lot and I'd also make raps with them, it was a lot of fun.

I found an online multi-player game that was also a lot of fun because I got to talk to other people with out putting myself out there too much. Again like most games it was goal oriented and I got that gratifying feeling of accomplishing something. Another great pass time was watching T.V. series they made me feel less alone because over the course of a season, unlike a movie, I got the time to get to know the characters and grow close to them. I actually felt part of their world and I learned lessons from their struggles and the way the interacted with one another.

There's also this blog that I started a little over 2 months ago which has been a source of great relief and happiness because I get to write and at the same time let go of my pass. I've been a little busy pass  2-3 weeks and I haven't been writing on my blog as much as I like too. I found myself running out of ideas because I don't want to repeat myself too much. So I've decided to not just write about my pass like I've been doing but writing about my day to day stuff, that way I can keep writing even if I've said all I wanted to say about my past for that moment.

If I cant think of anything to write I usually go on the FACEBOOK PAGE for this blog and post images of quotes or ask my followers questions which I really enjoy because I get to read their comments. Finally I started drawing about two months ago around the same time I started this blog and I found that although it takes a lot of time and effort its very rewarding and is a great way to keep my mind busy. Here's my latest drawing that I did on the 2nd of March. It was my favorite show as a kid and honestly a show I still enjoy watching.

Sailor Moon: 02/03/13 

There still a lot of different things I want to try and do. On the top of my list is traveling and if I had the money I'd be doing as much of it as possible. Coming back from spring break this year I heard a lot of students talking about how they went to all these different places like Italy, Santa maria, Cuba and lots more because in most cases their parents paid. Hearing about it makes me want to go all the more and although my parents never had money to send me anywhere it didn't stop me from always dreaming of all the new places I could visit. I want to see the history in the world, explore a temple or walk among the ruins of an ancient village, see nature in all its different forms. Its something I absolutely have to do. A few other things I would love to try is yoga, kick boxing or martial arts, rock climbing, learn meditation and explore spirituality, taking dance, drawing, painting, sculpture and guitar lessons. The possibilities are endless but most of these things require money which I'm lacking, being a student and living off loans. But one day, one day for sure I'll get to do these wonderful things. I'm just proud and happy with what I've been able to do so far and looking forward to all the possibilities my future holds. I finally realize just how much I have to live for.

Happy Valentines Day Recovering Addicts ???

I'm seeing a lot of negativity around this holiday from singles and couples alike. I understand where they are coming from. Expectations or being single on this holiday can make it quite miserable. Some people think its just an excuse for companies to make money and maybe it is but you don't need to spend money to make it a wonderful occasion. For example, last valentines day we made homemade cards which are the best because its personalized and we gave each other a massage before bed, which led to other things of course, haha. We didn't have money and we didn't expect anything except making time to just be together.

Oh but what if your single, what fun is that for you ? Well let me tell you. Since love is the main topic on this day show yourself some love. Do something that makes you happy, something just for you. For me, it would go something like this. Id go tanning and get my nails done, go home eat something delicious, take a bubble bath with candles and rent a good movie or get a good book. And voila, I got the perfect valentines day. Of course what you do for yourself depends on what you like. Make this day about you.

Whether your single or committed you decide how good your day can be. Forget money, expectation or the fact that your single and just have fun.

Love Charmed

Finding Happiness in Recovery

I know finding happiness can seem difficult for some. It sure was for me, especially after making a mess of my life and feeling like I had nothing to be happy about. Don't get me wrong I'd put a smile on when people were around and I told people I was doing good. No one really wants to hear me complaining about how unhappy I am, so I'd give them the answer they were expecting. I'm doing good.

On most nights I'd go to bed, close my eyes and wish for happiness. That's all I'd asked for, simple right? Not a house, or a car, or a the perfect man, or a different life. All I wanted was to be happy, that's what we should all strive for because without happiness, what is there?

What I really wanted was something to be happy about. Isn't that the mistake most of us make? Wanting something or someone to come along and make us happy. Well that was my big mistake and it even had its part in maintaining my addiction. I would use because I was unhappy with  the circumstances in my life and for the past that I had been given.

What I didn't understand back then was that anything that would make me happy wouldn't last unless I was the one making myself happy. Things come and go, nothings guaranteed, the one thing we can count on is ourselves. We can only truly be happy when we take charge of our own happiness and once we accomplish that we can begin making others happy.

Of course I've been put in some situations that I didn't like, but that will always be unavoidable. Whats up to me is, how long I decide to dwell on it and what I make of it, is all on me, always has been. Its no ones fault but my own if I stay unhappy. Each person has the strength inside them to make their own happiness, they just have to know they are capable of creating it for themselves.

Of course I'm not happy all the time, that's not what I'm saying. What's changed is when I find myself feeling unhappy instead of blaming people or the things in my life, I change my thoughts and my actions because in the end that's all we really have control over. I can either choose to change what I don't like or accept it and be at peace with it.

The essential part of this for me was understanding that accepting it didn't mean having to accept the situation that's making me unhappy, therefore remaining unhappy. It meant that if I decided to accept it then I was truly fine with it which meant it didn't make me that unhappy anymore. If was going to accept it then I might as well find the good in it, the positive and realize that life isn't always easy but the hard parts make us grow and change us in to better people. People who can empathize and sympathize with others, gain knowledge from their hardships and learn to find happiness in the small things and teach others to do so as well.


CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY AND DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!! ENJOY A SUNSET OR A GOOD BOOK. TREASURE THE SMALL THINGS AND YOU WILL NEVER RUN OUT OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY.  =D

Sincerely Charmed                                                         

Meditation: When Nothing Else Works in Recovery

Most addicts don't like being alone with their thoughts and that's why we use drugs. 

We want to suppress them at all cost but that means the problem never goes away. Its always just below the surface ready to come out again as soon as we let our guard down. One great thing about recovering is being able to deal with my thoughts even when their unpleasant. Now since I wanted to talk about something a bit more positive I decided to share my recent discovery into meditation. I know that Ill be writing about my past some more soon (since writing it down helps me understand it better) but for today I thought meditation would be fun. Meditation is about clearing your thoughts and only focusing on your breathing but as some of you might know that's not always easy. Its easy to get distracted and since we're not focused on a specific thought sometimes this gives the chance for negative thoughts or memories to come to the surface. I found that when this happens I quickly acknowledge the negative memory and then focus back on my breathing. Eventually the memory isn't associated with as much negativity but the relax state I was in when the memory occurred. If its something that's in the past and can't be change then the thought doesn't come back as often since I'm kind of at peace with it now. If it's something I haven't really dealt with yet then after the meditation I feel more sure of myself and what I should do about it. This is my experience so far and I'm sure it wont always be the same for me or anyone else. I haven't been doing it very long because I use to feel like I didn't have enough time for it. But one things for sure it helps me focus and reduce my stress. I'll definitely keep trying to find time to do it and if anyone wants updates on how its been going just leave a comment.

Here's a good meditation video

Hope you like,
Charmed

What If Addiction Had Never Trapped Me

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a couple tears running down my cheeks as if running to escape my mind. Running away from the unsettling feelings my dream had caused. The possibility of a change of fate and its consequences had me feeling uneasy. A lesson my mind saw fit to teach me even if it would hurt me. Tough Love, they call it. I was left with the certainty that what happens to us during our life happens to us and not someone else for a reason. I shouldn't dwell on what could have been because I believe the universe has a way of balancing itself and if not to me then to whom would my hardships and burdens be given too. Also I've been thinking if they weren't meant to have those particular challenges in their life time then chances are this person wouldn't have been born with the specific abilities or skills to overcome them. Well I can definitely say that this dream had me reflecting on a lot of life's deeper meanings.

The dream is a bit blurry now but I remember the important part of the dream that had affected me. In this dream I was back in my late teens and this time I didn't know the life of addiction. You could say, I was a well-rounded person with goals and lots of love for my family. It’s seemed like I took on the life my brother had (my oldest brother who is 3 years younger than me) and he had mine. We’ll definitely the part of my life that included addiction and a lot of sadness. In other words it’s like our lives had been switched. In this dream, we were at my mom's just like when we were teenagers and my brother looking like he was 13 again was drinking and doing harder drugs. Not trying to hide it, I could tell he was under the influence. He had that jaded look in his eyes, the one I remember having myself. He seemed to have this air of sadness surrounding him but he was trying to hide it. I think I only knew because, although in that life I didn't know addiction and that kind of sadness, somewhere in my mind I still remembered. It’s like I felt his struggle, knowing it all too well. Something told me that my brother wasn't going to beat it (it really wasn't his to beat); he wasn't going to get better. My heart broke so hard; I couldn't stand seeing him hurting and sad. And that's when I knew. I'd do it over again a million times if it would keep him from having that kind of life. My dream was telling me that if I hadn't been an addict, if my brother hadn't seen what it did to me, how destructive it was, or if my dad hadn't had me to turn to, he might of turned to my brother (my dad thought me about drugs and eventually offered me some), my brother would of been an addict. It was like this entire realization hit me at once and I just had to walk up to my brother and wrap my arms around him really tight. And that's when I felt the tears running down my cheeks and woke up.

Most of people are probably thinking it was just a dream, nothing to it, nothing to worry about. Or maybe my unconsciousness was trying to make sense of why these hardships happened to me. I believe it’s much more than that. To start, if it really was my unconsciousness giving me an explanation to why it happened to me, than it had to of chosen my brother being spared as the explanation because my love for my brother was probably one of the only explanation that would put my heart and mind at ease. Also this dream made me realize that no matter how bad it was. I'd still be willingly to do it again for my brother. I don't believe I've had a dream as meaningful as this one before. I can most definitely say that this dream contained an important message. As sad as it was, once I reflected upon the meaning an inner peace overcame me.

To Dream, A Dream,

Our Inner Most Secrets Our Revealed

The Secrets We Keep Even From Ourselves

Charmed

We Cant Help Who We Love

We cant help who we love, sometimes its just fate.
Despite all the issues we face as a couple there's no denying I feel very strongly about him. Theirs good and theirs bad in almost every relationship. So in this post Ill try and focus on the good. I know that I don't want to be with him because I don't want to be alone. I've had plenty of chances to date someone else, its not that at all. I do love him, truly or I wouldn't be there. I often go out of my way to make him happy and I never really did that in any other relationship. He goes out of his way to make me happy even if he complains. He cares and he there when I need him. We all have our faults, god knows I got mine. But he makes me happy and that's what counts even if its not all the time. Nothings perfect all the time. He also understands what I've been through since were both recovering addicts and we both have childhood issues. Were also both on methadone and were both clean. If nothing else I know his clean (not like my last relationship). We had both been clean and single for a while. We had also both been in a long and serious relationship that didn't end well.

The way we met was like fate.
We both didn't take the city bus very often and when we did it was rarely at the same time. We also weren't very often downtown near the bus station but two days in a row we ran into each other. I remember it like it was yesterday. The first day we met I was waiting for the bus after going to see the doctor when he came up to me out of no where and asked for the time. (Back then it didn't occur to me that he had a cell phone with the time, he was obviously trying to start a conversation, I still blush when I think about it today). Well that's how our conversation started. I don't know what came over me but I couldn't stop talking. I talked about school and how I couldn't wait to start working so I could take care of my family (my parents and brothers). He listened and asked questions like he was actually interested. ( I really miss that, he doesn't seem that interested anymore). Then I got off the bus and that was that, I though Id never see him again. (He told me later on he thought about giving me his number but he didn't know how to bring it up.) The next day I was walking back to the bus stop after going to the pharmacy (to pick up my methadone for the week) and he happened to cross in front of me without seeing me. I usually would of been to shy to say Hey but that day it just came out and we started talking while I waited for my bus. We didn't get to talk very long before my bus arrived, having our conversation cut short, he was brave enough to ask me if I wanted his number.

What are the chances of us meeting again the very next day. It wasn't like us to be in town two days in a row and it wasn't like me to open up so fast to someone and keep a conversation going, I'm usually pretty shy at first. It definitely was faith. I remember getting on the bus right after getting his number and wanting to text him right away but something inside me told me to wait. So a little over two weeks later I finally texted him and he asked me out on a date. I kept pushing the day we were suppose to go on the date because I was either to nervous, not sure or busy with school. Finally two weeks later we went on our first date to the movies. I remember he did the cutest thing while we were watching the movie. I turned to look at him because I felt his eyes on me and he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes of course and I thought he was such a gentlemen for asking. And that's when I knew he would get a second date.

Its not like I did it on purpose but I look back on it and realize I was being "hard to get". I didn't make it easy for him but he was really determined. And it was that his very determination to be with me that won me over. It showed me that I was worth the effort to him and nothing compares to that feeling. For the first time I took it slow and everything fell in place perfectly. There's a lot of good in our relationship. I just have a hard time seeing it sometimes. Loving someone is easy its the relationship part that requires work. This relationship has shown me a different part of myself that I didn't know before. It thought me the depth of my qualities and how vast they are. The most difficult situations tested my true capacity to love. Its changed the the way I see things, its not just about me anymore. Love means +1.

If you like this post visit my other blog Learning how 2 Luv @ http://learninghow2luv.blogspot.ca/

Charmed