How I Became an Addict

I believe it started when my parents separated. Being such a daddy’s girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn’t in my life as much. My mom moved me and my brother five hours away and I felt like my whole world came crashing down. Angry at my mom I started rebelling for the first time. I was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry easily. No one saw the pain. I was just a spoiled brat with a mother who wasn’t disciplining me enough, which didn’t help because I actually felt the opposite of spoiled. I just had my dad, aka my whole world, taken from me. Seriously I use to follow my dad everywhere. He was the person I admired the most. People kept telling my mom she needed to be stricter with me but it honestly didn’t matter what she did I wasn’t listening. She could ground me or whatever but unless she was ready to physically fight me I wasn't listening. I didn’t do anything to crazy besides stay out late, skip class, smoke cigarettes and hanging out with the wrong people, especially boys.

Guest Post: Sober Meaning

Guest Post by Bren Murphy 

Silent, they were spread out, their legs splayed across the seats, eyes closed and the sunlight flashing across their faces as the train bore through the countryside.  The two older ladies across the aisle smiled and kept an eye on them as I let my ear on my shoulder and closed my eyes.  Lunchtime. Asleep on the train.

We have just spent the morning in Sydney, visiting the Museum of Contemporary Art and trying to make sense of the installations and being told not to stand too close or touch the artworks.  And then being reminded again.  And even followed by the staff for a while to make sure we got the message.  But it's like that when you're 6 and 8 and in the big city with your dad.  You just want to reach out and touch.

How My Dad Met My Step Mother Through Sex Work

I was around 10 or 11 years old when I first met her. My dad was having a party with his friends in the basement bar, he had the whole set up with a pool table and a dartboard. Being bored, I kept going downstairs to hang out with everyone, but my dad kept telling me to go back upstairs. The escort they had called finally came up to play cards with me which seemed to have impressed my dad since they started talking a bit more seriously after that. She was a very caring person.

She was just like most of us. She had family and friends, she had loved, gotten her heart broken, worked dead-end jobs and had hardships throughout her life. The only difference is she was escorting to support her 3 kids from an old marriage. Her ex-husband had gotten her into escorting and she knew this was the most money she could make working. No other job with her level of education would offer that. Even with more education chances are she would have still made more prostituting.

Pregnant Drug Addicts Should be Treated like Criminals

According to Time.com a woman was charged last year after Tennessee lawmakers passed a bill that allows pregnant women to be criminally charged if drug use harms their babies. The bill says a pregnant woman may be prosecuted for an assaultive offense if her child is born addicted or harmed by the narcotic drug. She can even be charged with homicide if her baby dies because of her drug use. Sadly, this isn’t just happening in Tennessee, it’s also happening in Texas . This law needs to be nipped in the butt before it goes any further.

If a woman uses during her pregnancy she is to be charged and treated as a criminal for harming her baby. Yikes!! Now this isn't going to end well. Does anyone else see an increase in "garbage can babies" because I do? Pregnant drug addicts will refuse care for the fear of getting charged which will only cause the baby more harm. What about fetal alcohol syndrome. That doesn’t count? This law is doing nothing to help addicted mothers or their babies, but will probably increase abortion rates. Not to mention that any mother that gives birth to a child with a birth defect will be put under scrutiny.

No Social Assistance For Addicts

People should get drug tested before receiving social assistance or any kind of money from the government.

Now I can't count how many times I've heard this from people, most of which have never battled with addiction or been on social assistance. I'm seriously getting tired of hearing it and unless they have experienced it themselves they shouldn't be judging and telling people how the system should operate. I've avoided talking about this because I know how much of a fuss this topic can cause and I didn't really want to deal with all the negative comments but I've realized my readers are kind and compassionate enough to respect my opinion and not leave any negative comments. Although I know a lot of people are set in their way of thinking and are going to disagree with me, just let me explain why I think taking social assistance away from addicts is a terrible idea.

The obvious reason (well to me) would be crime going up because people who are addicted need money for their next fix and without that next fix they would go into severe withdrawals. I know theirs ways for them to get better but some are just not mentally there yet, for whatever reason. For example, the chances of stuff being stolen, more people dealing drugs, having more homeless people or having more sex workers on our streets would go up. Theirs also the fact that a lot of people who do drugs also buy necessities like rent and food with their money, like I did, and especially people with children. I should know I once was one of those kids. It would of been way worst for me as a child had my parents not received social assistance. Taking me away from my parents wouldnt of helped, I would of ended up rebelling even more and would of probably ran away. When I was on social assistance and addicted to drugs I still bought myself food and paid my rent. I wouldn't of survived otherwise and would of probably become somewhat suicidal. Social assistance helps people in soo many ways.

There's so many reason why someones drug test could come back positive. Besides the fact that it might just be an occasional or rare thing that the person does, what about someone who smokes weed for fibromyalgia pain because they haven't received the proper medical care and the doctor they've seen can't figure out whats wrong. There's just so many possibilities that we can't even imagine that denying people social assistance based on drug testing is unjust and discriminatory, not to mention the drug test itself is an invasion of privacy. Taking social assistance away wont solve the problem it will just make it worst. We have no right to judge people like that. We don't know what they're going through. I just wish people would keep that in mind instead of attacking people on social assistance.

If you can think of any other reasons why drug testing and social assistance is a bad idea please feel free to share in the comments. Thanks :)

Thank you so much for stopping by. Lets stay in touch :)
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Charmed

PS. Also wanted to mention that Ive been thinking of only posting every Sunday instead of every Wednesday and Sunday unless you guys tell me in the comments that you really enjoy 2 posts a week I'll start posting once a week. =) love all my readers, your opinions matter to me and I appreciate you all so much. Thanks

Dealing with Stress and Addiction Triggers

Being a recovering addict I don't handle stressful situations the same way as most people would. I feel everything so much more deeply and have always had a difficult time dealing with these feelings adequately (which is probably a major reason why I started using drugs in the first place).

Since being in recovery I have this need to be in control of everything in my life or at the very least know what's going on because being in control and having a plan is how I was able to get clean and stay that way. Now if I'm not in control or at least know whats going on I'll stress over it for hours on end. I like having a game plan when it comes to emotional changes and situations in my life. I need it to mentally prepare and stay emotionally stable. Not having or not knowing the plan for these major changes triggers stress and worry beyond belief for me.

It keeps me up at night, especially in this situation with the baby due in 9 weeks and having nothing ready. That's a pretty big emotional and important change coming up in my life and telling me "I'll take care of it" does nothing to sooth my anxiety. I need to be involved and know whats going on.

I started stressing out and worrying about getting everything ready for the baby this week but it was kept somewhat under control because we had been planning on waiting for my baby shower to know what I was getting before we started buying anything. I was a little disappointed by how little people showed up to my baby shower and by the small amount of stuff I got. I do appreciate what I got though and I'm grateful for the people who did show up but I'm still missing all the big items and so much of the smaller items, that I'm freaking out all over again.

The logical part of me knows its not that bad. We got enough money to buy a crib and maybe even a dresser, plus my mom's giving me her rocking chair so nursery furniture is taken care of. My cousin who planned the baby shower and my aunt gave me a huge baby basket with a lot of useful stuff. My cousin also gave me some stuff she already had like a newborn car seat, swing and baby tub. I also got a baby seat that vibrates and can be used to feed baby in, with a few pieces of different size clothes from the other people who attended.

I'm suppose to also get a stroller, a basinet, a playpen and some other stuff from my family out of town but I have no idea when or if it will happen and that what worries me. Not knowing exactly what else I'm getting and not having everything I need here with me now is a big part of what's bothering me and that has everything to do with needing to be in control.

On top of all that I don't really know all the things that I need for the baby and how I'm going to afford it. I don't feel prepared but I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions and try to relax. I'm working on just having faith that everything will turn out fine. Writing about it here really helps. And maybe you guys can comment and let me know some essential stuff I might need during the first few months so I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost.

I know I'm going to need more newborn clothes, diapers, breast pump, bottles, bottle brush, infant detergent, baby carrier, burp cloths, blankets, toys etc. Let me know what you needed in the first few months. Thanks.

Charmed

Gracie's Secret: The Perfect Book For Children of Addicts

I absolutely love this book I just read and thought I'd share it with all of you.

Gracie's Secret is written by Lorelie Rozzano, a woman in recovery who grew up in an alcoholic home. This children book is intended for kids growing up in addicted families who need help understanding and talking about their feelings. Although I believe this would be a useful book for any kid and not just children in troubled families because all children need to learn how to manage and talk about their negative feelings. It's definitely something I'll read to my little one once he's old enough.

I really love the idea behind this book. I think it's great to have a tool like this to help kids understand and open up about their feelings. The book is written in such a way that any kid having a difficult time with their feelings or living in a troubled home would be able to relate to this story. The author explains feelings in a way that can be easily understood by young children and the beautiful illustrations are so well done it enhances the comprehension of the story line.It even has simple questions at the end of the book to help get kids thinking about the people they can talk to and how Gracie story relates to them.

It's also a great read for adults who lived in a troubled home or has dealt with addiction themselves because most of us can relate in some way to this little sad girl. Also a great book for any parent who has been addicted or has dealt with a bumpy family life because this book offers them the child perspective in this situation and might help the parent understand what their child is going through a bit better. Fostering understanding and compassion for their child who might find themselves in a similar situation.

This is the author Lorelie’s blog if you want to know more about her, and the book can be purchased here. If you buy the book please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts on it. Thanks a bunch everyone  =) Take Care

Charmed

Children's Aid: Never Where Their Needed The Most

I was recently informed by my doctor that I'd have to call Children's Aid before my due date to let them know I'm clean and provide them with a letter from my doctor informing them that I'm stable. I'm not happy about this for many reasons but mainly because I know way too many bad things about Children's Aid and how they operate, plus I feel like its unfair that I have to defend myself and prove to them that I'm clean. Kind of feels like prejudice to me, specially because it wont just stop at a letter from my doctor. They will start asking a million and one questions about my life trying to find some reason to become more involved. Or at least that's been what I've known them to do.

I know that their just doing their jobs by making sure I'm clean and I should be happy that their protecting children from unhealthy homes where parents do drugs. The problem is they often get involved in cases where the child is doing fine and cause the family trouble. Sadly I've heard this kind of situation happening from many families. So it probably won't stop with just having to give them a letter. Even though I have nothing to hide I feel like they will put me under a microscope and judge every little thing until they can find something to cause me trouble. 

Also I think about my own childhood and how although my parents weren't perfect and addiction was involved taking me away from them would of caused more harm then good. I probably would of became severely depressed being taken away from my parents.I remember when I was younger a worker came to talk to me at my home and it was just a terrible experience. He came in acting like he owned the place and started telling me I wasn't a good kid for not listening to my mom. It did nothing to help my situation that's for sure.

My partner also had a not so pleasant run in with them when he had his daughter with his ex. The guy worker that came over to talk to his ex started hitting on her and asked her out. Making my hubby sound like a bad guy for not being home because he was working out of town. Thankfully this worker lost his job. Another example, would be them harassing my Dad and trying to take my little brother away. They demanded a drug test 5 times in the past 2 years because he past each time the last time he made sure to tell them if they bothered him again he would be pressing charges. I don't know how that works or if he can press charges but I hope something can be done about bad workers and their flawed system.

I believe in having something in place to protect children but our children's aid system seriously needs work to be just and effective. Hopefully they don't give me any problems when I give them my doctors letter and they don't question me because knowing myself I'll get defensive and pissed. My diplomacy skills do need work I'll admit that LOL. I'll keep you guys all updated on how it goes. Anybody else here have had experience with Children's Aid ?Good or Bad, let me know in the comments below, please. Thanks for listening to me vent and rant, you guys are awesome :D

Check out this story about a mother who lost her child from the time he was born until he was 9 months old when she finally won her case against CAS for being on methadone. They took the child at the hospital and told her she couldn't have custody until she got off methadone.

http://atforum.com/2011/08/advocates-help-new-moms-in-methadone-treatment/#.UPb0CMYsbYo.pinterest

Charmed

Poem: Addiction How We Came To This

Unequipped to deal with it all,

When we met I was bound to fall,

Monkey see, Monkey do,

My parents taught me to fall for u,

Young, naive and carefree,

My whole life ahead of me,

Did I ever have a chance,

Against your captivating trance,

Promises of forgotten pain,

And to never be alone again,

Your lies were too tempting,

Without skills of reasoning,

How could I know better,

With parents who never,

Their reasoning in defense,

Beat my common sense,

Charmed

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Doing Easter Clean and Sober

Easter, for me isn't about religion like it is for most people but I do enjoy it and who's going to complain about an extra long weekend off. I always get a long weekend during the school year since I always have Fridays off so when there's a Monday thrown in well now that's a long weekend. With Easter already here and me almost being done this school year with final exams start next Monday I'm starting to really feel summer coming along fast. We finally just started getting nice weather here, that means its above 5 degrees Celsius which is still cold for most people but at lease its not minus 40 like it was in January and February. So visiting family with spring in the air is the best kind of Easter, It brings back memories of the chocolate filled mornings I use to have searching for my prize with my older brother. I even stole 1 smarty from my ten year brother earlier and we had a good laugh, I even teased him about the location of his stash. I also enjoyed a nice supper at my aunts and got to meet my cousin new born baby, she's six weeks old and my cousin is around my age. I even got to hold her after being a little apprehensive, I didn't know how I'd feel about it since my pregnancy issue I had a year ago. But everything was great and I enjoyed meeting her.

Its nice to be with family even if it can be tiring and stressful at times. This weekend I decided not to go out to the bar like I usually would on a holiday when I'm visiting family instead I'm enjoying just relaxing at my moms by myself. Although I would of liked to spend more time with the family I was tired and they wanted to go out. I'm suppose to go to my dads for a few hours tomorrow and I having a bit of anxiety over it. I just don't know how to feel about it. I'm suppose to pick up some of my stuff but I have no idea where I'm going to put it just that I don't want it there anymore, stuff is going missing like every time I've ever left my stuff with my dad. Its stressful and frustrating. I just want to go through it and keep what necessary with me and just forget the rest. I'm glad I grabbed my photo albums last time I was there. It seems he's with the woman who called the cops and my dad might go to jail which I talked about in the Daddy-going-to-jail post. So I really don't know what to expect when I go there. 

I also have a big project to do for school and it has to be done by Wednesday so I have to keep working on that all weekend. Last week I had to do another oral presentation and I must of got hit by the bad luck bus. The one day I had to get to class no matter what, since I had big presentation at 1:00 pm, my stupid alarm doesn't go off and I don't wake up until 1:00 pm. I even went to bed early to make sure I was rested and I still get up at 1. I was freaking out not believing the clock.  So I call a cab right away still in P.J.s, I throw whatever clothes I find on the ground, brush my teeth, tie my hair and get outside as the cab gets there. By then its just after 1:10 and I still need to go to library to print notes, so I can actually do the presentation, and then get to class. I kept thinking I'm not going to make it but after a 25$ cab ride and a run to the library I finally get to class at 1:40. Thankfully two other groups went before us and the second wasn't done yet so I actually got to do my presentation which was worth 25% of my final mark. Its funny how unlucky lucky I am. If that makes sense.

Happy Easter Everyone!
Charmed

My Dads Struggles With Addiction Sending Him to Jail

Well needless to say my father might be going to jail for allegedly assaulting an old roommate and friend of his. The guy he assaulted spent 6 days in the hospital and to make thing worst he is currently my best friends boyfriends roommate and friend so I kinda feel in the middle of all this. Being told each side of the story, a bit like the messenger because their not talking to each other but they want to know who made the call to the cops. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to say and what I shouldn't say. I obviously don't want my dad to go to jail but what he did was wrong and I want to do the right thing by my best friend.

So far it hasn't been too much of a problem because their more focused on the person who planned it, who pushed and manipulated until it finally happened and who called the cops when it was happening. The anger and blame is now focused on this person and rightly so. Its like this crazy person is trying to get revenge on everyone. They kept telling my father his old roommate was out to get him over and over again until one night when he was drunk he finally snapped and got violent which I know all to well how violent he can get when drinking. What saddens me is the last time he got violent with me, the only person who came to my defense was his roommate at the time, the guy he allegedly assaulted.

I still don't want my dad to go away but I'm mad he hurt the guy who once defended me by coming between my father and me. What a headache. I just hope the person that started this and manipulated my father to get what they wanted, which was the cops in that house, gets what they deserves and is made to take responsibility for their part in it. Justice. But the court thing is a mess and I don't think they know about that persons part in it so unless my dads tells the court they might get away with it even though they drove my father there.

Charmed

The Evil Step Mother Part 2

I found a few of my old journals and started reading it out of curiosity. I really shouldn't of read it, its really amazing how the brain blocs out painful memories. I don't want to use the word abuse and neglect but deep down I know it to be true. She is really was not in any mental state to be around kids, she was vindictive, selfish and an addict which makes for very bad parenting skills. I believe that woman really traumatized me and my dad would leave me with her every week all week while he was gone trucking. Some of the things she said and did to me I cant even bring myself to talk about them. How can any person leave a 13 year old child stranded at night with no way home on purpose, and twice at that. The first time is mentioned in my post The Evil Step Mother. I had forgotten about the second time until I read the journal entry.

I started by writing about how I had called the movie theater to find out at what time our (me and my step sister) movie played and how long it was. The automated service told me the time in minutes so when I was calculating how long it be I made the mistake of thinking 100 minutes equaled out to 1 hour. Anyways what happened was that my step mother being drunk came to pick us up and we weren't out of the theater yet she left because I had told her it finished at 11:05 pm. We missed her by 10 minutes, she came at 11:15 and we got out at 11:25. Too scared to get caught drunk or whatever her reason was she didn't bother going inside and asking at what time our movie finished. After the movie we waited a few minutes before calling to know if she was on her way but she started yelling at me, calling me names, saying I was lying over and over, called me a little bullshitter, and a liar. She didn't even let me explain that  and apologize for getting the time wrong. She just kept yelling and calling me names so I hung up figured once she would cool down a bit she'd come and get us. By midnight she wasn't there yet so I tried to call her again but having no money I had to do a collect call. She didn't accept it and I know she picked up because I could hear the operator asking if she wanted to accept the call and she said NO. (and my father pays the phone bill)

I was 13 in a big city stuck outside after the movies closed and its after midnight where any number of bad things could of happened to us, two young girls alone in a deserted parking lot during the weekend. Which is very hypocritical of her since in my post No Rules Until Dad Gets Mad I explain how she kept worrying my dad with all the bad things that could of happened to me when I didn't come home one night. She kept repeating herself until my dad lost it, he was so far gone when I got home things got ugly. Such a hypocrite she was ready to leave us there all night. Why make a big deal of the dangers that can happen to us one day and leave us out in the cold the next. She didn't even have the decency to wake up my father who was home in bed because he had to work early to tell him she planned on leaving me outside all night and that I was stuck at the movies instead she just kept sitting at the kitchen table and drinking alone. I really really wonder how people can do such mean down right cruel things, to children none the less. Again I believe just like in part 1 of The Evil Step Mother she left me stranded because she was mad at my Dad. I know my dad would of came and got us no problem he wasn't drunk but again like the first time she didn't feel it necessary to let the father of the child know that his child was stranded when she was the one who was suppose to pick his child up. You would think my dad would leave the bitch by now but Noooo. I guess the safety of his child wasn't as important as that crazy ...................  <--- Fill it in with the meanest word you can think of.

The only other person that we could actually call was my step sister grandmother, my step mother's mother. So we tried to call over and over again but my Step mother had called there first and told her daughter that lived there to put the phone off the hook so the grandmother wouldn't be disturbed. Its bad enough she wasn't picking us up but she had to make sure we didn't get any help, she honestly planned out making us sleep outside. Those were her exact words when one of her drinking (drug) buddy called her and asked if she was going to come pick us up. Well passed 1 in the morning her friend, feeling bad for us, came to picked us up with her husband and give us a ride home. She had to stop at her sisters first so we didn't get home until close to 2 am and by that time my step mother was extremely drunk which meant volatile and violent. When I walked in she started screaming inches from my face that I was a fucking liar and she knew I never went to the movies when the whole time all I wanted to do is show her my movie ticket to prove to her that I really went. She kept screaming literally inches from my face that it was all my fault until she finally shoved me hard. I think that's when my dad showed up because he had gotten woken up and told me to go to my room. I knew she needed to calm down so I went to my room while my dad talked to her but she kept screaming she wanted me and my step sister in different rooms.

I didn't see her for the rest of the night so I'm not sure how everything went once I got to my room. My dad came and talk to me not long after I was in there and asked me what was going on so I told him and showed him the ticket. My dad believed me right away and he said he was sorry for the way she was acting towards me. I think he even called her crazy and some other stuff. I never felt at home since my dad moved in with her so after all that I didn't want to be left alone there with her. I asked my dad to leave with him when he left for work and he said sure. I was going to go trucking with him like I had before but when he woke me up as he leaving he asked me if I could stay because I had school and whatever other excuses he had. He said that she had calmed down.... like that really makes everything oki. I even think he talked about moving out together which gave me hope but as usual it just lead to disappointment. Despite this and so many other occasions where my step mother was terrible I know I should forgive her, not for her but for me. And sometimes when I believe I had, I remember just how bad she treated not just me, but my dad also, and that's when I feel like I haven't really forgave her. I'm not sure Ill ever be able to but I've gotten really good at not thinking about it.

Thanks for listening.
Charmed

My Addiction Story Summarized

I've taken my most important posts and summarized them to explain my addiction and recovery.

I believe it started when my parents separated.  Being such a daddy's girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn't in my life as much. The insults back and forth between my parents and the pain they were in upset me. It felt like my whole world came crashing down. I felt like I’d been lied to and resented everyone for it, so I started rebelling. It’s a common fact that teenagers rebel but for me it started a bit earlier than. I was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry very easily. I felt like no one understood me and people saw me as being spoiled which didn't help because I felt the opposite of spoiled. Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious, I was really hurt and people didn't seem to notice that. So I started staying out late, smoking cigarettes, hanging out with the wrong people and that was about it for a while.

Living on my own at 15 was like the coolest thing, at the time. It was the hang out spot, old friends admired, new friends multiplied. But they weren't really friends were they. Just more people taking advantage of a spot to hang out while getting high. Although I was actually pretty strict with whom I let come in my place. I was selling at the time and didn't want the attention by having known criminals seen coming out of my place. I had all the drugs I wanted and I felt on top of the world. Not depending on anyone for my next pill or my next line. I had a nice and actually clean place. I felt like I still had control of my life, oh how fast things change. Nothing last forever, as they say. It went from being able to stop and go to bed, to the never ending feeling of wanting more. A debt was accumulated and my selling career was over. Now faced with not having a steady supply to feed my addiction, I realize how much I needed it. My body cries out for more. The aches and pain take over any control I have over my mind.

I started doing Percocets once in a while at 13 years old.  Back before anyone knew what they were in my small town I got my hands on a few. But thankfully I ended up moving to my dad’s before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke when my dad offered me some at 14. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms, what I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount every day. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we would be able to relax and go to bed after a night of doing coke. At that point I couldn't really go without coke but I could go without oxys. Well that’s until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.

Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were too severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. So now that I didn’t have withdrawals anymore it became all about doing coke. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself anymore, so I quit coke for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't as bad because it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.

I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. . I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and accept what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed because I learned to deal with these thoughts and memories that haunted me.

There are some things we need to remember so that we may grow and learn from them. Unfortunately some memories don't have any purpose besides making us feel bad about ourselves. These memories have a tendency to creep up on us when we less expect it. Most of the time it happens to me when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. I start to toss and turn, remembering the awful things I did or awful things that were done to me. I replay it in my head over and over thinking of the things that could have been done differently. These are toxic memories and we all need to find ways to get rid of them and think positive.

What I've learned during my recovery is that when these thoughts happen I have to remember all the things I've accomplished since being sober. This definitely became easier the longer I was sober because I had more things to be proud of as time went on. As soon as I was on the methadone program and had my withdrawals under control I started working towards my high school diploma. I did it by correspondence so I could stay at home and get better but still do something I could be proud of and gave me hope for the future. I believe the only way I was able to get sober without any therapy, rehab or detox was due to the methadone program. Nothing else worked for me before then because my withdrawals would take over any determination I had to stop.

It took me a little over a year to get completely clean after starting methadone. The program only fixed part of the problem. I had to fix my way of thinking on my own and no amount of medication would do that for me. Although I agree therapy would have helped once the withdrawals were gone.  I'm not exactly sure why I never committed to weekly therapy but it might have to do with how terrible I am at keeping appointments. What did help in its place was reading books which did a great deal to take my mind off negative things. Also keeping a journal and having my mom to talk too made a huge difference. I really felt like she understood me and I hardly ever felt judged.

I often wonder if I did the right thing getting on methadone, or if I just took the easy way out. At the time it wasn't even a decision. It kind of just happened. Well not that easy of course but in my mind there wasn't any other possibility. It was either that or keep doing what I was doing to keep the withdrawals away. On way or another I had to keep the pain and withdrawals at bay. I didn't know any other way. I even tried doing a bit less oxys everyday and gradually stop that way, but it didn't work at all. Everything just seemed so futile and hopeless. The more I fucked up in my life by doing stupid things to feed my addiction, the more I wanted to get fucked up to forget about it. A vicious cycle. (Forgiving myself was an essential part of my recovery but that only happened after Id been on methadone for a while.)

So I finally got to see a methadone doctor after months of waiting. It wasn't easy getting an appointment since the doctor was out of town. I had to travel there twice a week for the first couple months and finding a ride wasn't easy. On top of that I had to go to pharmacy every day, freezing wind, pouring rain, cold snow, extreme heat with no car or city buses, I had to find a ride or walk there and back. That doesn't include holidays when their hours were so  short I sometimes didn't make it in time or when I had to leave where ever I was like work or school to go to the pharmacy. The doctor even screwed up sometimes, or sent my prescription out of town on the wrong day, and I didn't get my medication. Those days Id be in incredible pain. I wish someone would have told me what I was getting into. How hard it was going to be to quit methadone or to go without it for even just a day. Even now when I only need to go to pharmacy once a week I still feel trapped.  I can’t go anywhere for more than a week. I've thought of getting away from everything, go work far away for a summer, get to see new places, out of country even, but then I realize how difficult that would be if I'm still on methadone. I've been slowly lowering my methadone hoping to be able to do something adventurous this summer. Hoping is the key word here because I've tried going down before, more than once. What always seems to happen is I go down to fast then my body starts hurting, I can’t sleep and I'm always tired. In short I don't function well, so I give up and return to the same amount of methadone I was originally at before going down.

Now I'm going down slowly and it’s been going ok but there were moments where I didn't feel good and I really thought about going up again. Thankfully, I was able to hold on and not go up again. Instead Id stay at that amount for a while to get use to it. I know if it weren't for methadone I wouldn't even have the state of mind to dream about travelling or to go to school or to even have a life in general so I'm really grateful. I can’t expect it to be easy or to magically get fixed, good things require effort and determination. I have to take the good with the bad and hope that I'm strong enough to get off it eventually. Its ironic how the one thing that freed me is also keeping me trapped, but honestly it could be worst at lease now my minds my own and I have a chance at life.

Charmed

Another Disapointment

Last time I talked to my dad he called me to see if I'd come down and go through my stuff like books and clothes that I had stored at his place. He ended up putting all my stuff outside in the frozen garage were bugs, mice, freezing weather and with who knows what else wrecking my stuff, when that wasn't our agreement. It was suppose to be stored in the house but he moved my stuff without asking me and only told me afterwards. What's frustrates me is that I don't asks him for much of anything, the only thing I've asked of my dad in forever is to keep my stuff stored were it can be safe and he can't even do that. Anyways we made plans for him to pick me up on Thursday around 3 pm when he was done work so I could go through my stuff at his place sometime during the weekend. Once I was all packed on Thursday I sat around waiting for my dad and he ended up calling to say he wasn't coming to pick me up until Friday at 3 pm now. Not really surprising but still frustrating. On Friday I was ready and waiting around by 3 but my dad didn't actually come pick me up till 4 and even then he sent his boss to pick me up. I was brought to the office so we could leave in the transport since he couldn't bring the transport through town. Once at the office I had to wait for my dad to get there and then I had to wait while my dad had a couple beers, while I just sat there and waited for him to DRIVE ME. Once he finished his last beer he decided he wanted a pill to stay up, so now I had to wait for him to get that. I was just sitting in the office waiting when he left with his boss to go do something else and that's when I almost got left there, which is in the middle of the bush, because when he told  his boss girlfriend that they wasn't coming back to the office and wanted her to meet up with them, he didn't tell her I would need a ride with her to go meet him. This made me feel like a child again where my dad was to busy with his addiction to remember me.

We didn't leave until 7 pm and I didn't get to my mom's until 8 pm. My dad said he was too tired for me to go through my stuff that night and made plans for me to come over Saturday and maybe even have supper with him but then Saturday he also said he was too tired. In the end I didn't even get to go through my stuff which in his mind was the reason I came down in the first place. Although I was also going down to visit my mother and my grandmother, my dad didn't know that and he still didn't seem to care that I didn't get to go through my stuff. This might not seem like a big deal but its a constant problem when it comes to my dad. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't get so frustrated and that what he is doing to me is ok. I'm just over reacting but then I realise I shouldn't have to put up with this. Not to mention that when he was making me wait I told him I really wanted to go or that he could of picked me up when he was ready to go,( instead of making me wait in the office while he got high) and he would tell me: well I work so hard this week, I worked 100 hours, I deserve this beer or to take a break before leaving, you can wait, right. Trying to get pity from me, which he always does with everyone. But you know what: We all work and we all have our own shit to deal with but when I tell someone I'll do something, I do it and I think of others. He's suppose to be my dad and help with my problems like most dads do. He shouldn't be trying to get pity from me with his problems. I would like to hear about how his doing if it wasn't all about getting pity from me and its not like he really asks me how my weeks been or if he does, he will tell me how his was worst all the time. I came to terms with not being able to depend on my dad years ago and I'm fine with it but he doesn't need to bring his shit to my door and expect me to pity him for his tough week or life or whatever. His life is His choice and Always has been.

Charmed

Mother Daughter Bonding With Drugs

I came down to visit my mom and dad this weekend and got a ride with my dad in his transport. I only live an hour away so it isn't too far but I still don't get to visit as much lately so I was happy I finally committed to coming down for a weekend. And maybe I'll get a bit of laundry done at my moms while I'm at it ;) haha... I'm such a kid some times. It took a while to actually get my dad to leave once he got me to the office because he started having a beer. After 2-3 hours we finally left and during the ride we were catching up and laughing because my dad was being silly as usual. Now by the time we got to this little town we were at the halfway point and it got a bit more quiet so I was able to look out the window peacefully  That's when I saw the Liquor Store on the right and remembered how a few years back when I was in that parking lot for the first time with my mom trying to cash a bank check to an account with no money in it so we could get pills. Its was like 20 minutes out of town so we didn't know anyone there. They didn't cash our check so we went to a grocery a little farther off the highway in to the town and got a check cash. We went straight back home to get some pills. Its funny how this memory doesn't make me sad but instead I see as a good memory because its time spent bonding with my mom. We bonded lots when we were both on pills its one of the things that I missed the most being sober. Its like we had this common goal and understood each other completely but most of all it was our secret, something only we shared. I'd like to proudly say we are both completely off oxys now and I don't think I could of did it with out her. I got her into pills and she got me out, she truly is amazing. I love you Mom.

Charmed

Bias Opinion

No Addiction Is The Same From One Person To The Other.

What if both parents are addicts but one of them (let's call them M) doesn't let it affect their life and their relationship with you, they keep their word, their there for you when you need them etc. And the other (let's call them D) is controlled by their addiction, they can stay up for days at a time, miss important moments, their not dependable, they don't keep their promises and they to often only care about their problems, etc. Am I delusional for believing that parent M has their addiction under control and I shouldn't worry about it too much. Its difficult for me to tell this parent what their doing is wrong and that they should stop since I was an addict myself, it would make me feel like a hypocrite. I often find myself not knowing what to say to them.   I find myself feeling frustrated with parent D while I'm fine with parent M and can often pretend like their not an addict (until I see clear emotional evidence when they lose patience or get angry fast). That can't be right, holding one responsible for their addiction while letting the other one off the hook. But then I guess I see it as parent D is letting themselves be controlled by their addiction, (I should know that no one lets themselves be controlled by their addiction) his isn't trying hard enough or doesn't care enough, when really I should be thinking that they're the ones who need more help. Funny things is I was more like parent D during my addiction so why can't I find more patience for them. I don't understand these feelings and I don't know what to do to help them or myself with these situation.

Sincerely Charmed

No Rules Until Dad Gets Mad

How Drugs and Addiction can exaggerate emotions.

Living with my dad there were barely any rules and partying was cool. So that's what I grew up thinking and as a teenager I thought I was lucky to have such a cool dad. I often did what I wanted without any repercussions. I got to smoke, drink, get piercings, date, have parties, sleepovers... But my dads girlfriend kids had more rules which I wasn't really accustomed to so I didn't really bother knowing them, I just kept doing what I usually did. Her oldest daughter was a couple months younger then me and we often did things together. One summer we started hanging out with these two guys who were best friends which led to us dating them. I had a major crush on one of them for a while so when it turned out he had a crush on me too it was kinda perfect since we would get to all hang out together. My boyfriend sold weed and magic mushrooms so it was always available, it was fun and harmless (so I thought).

One day they boys decided they wanted to show us a hunting cabin in the woods so off we went walking towards the cabin, not knowing how far it really was. And  2-3 hours later we finally arrive, tired and far from any phone, all we wanted to do was rest for a while. (I don't think they had cell phones back then) After resting for a few hours we realized we wouldn't make it back before it got dark. So we decided we should spend the night and leave early in the morning. (What a mistake that was). We had no idea how much our parents would freak out. Usually we would tell them where we were and everything was fine. But this time we didn't have a way to contact them so we thought they would understand that. Big mistake on our part trust me. The next morning the first thing we did was go to the nearest phone, which was still like 1 hour to 1 hour and 1/2 away from home. Our parents were furious, and even more so because they hadn't slept in a couple days since they had been partying when we left. I know my dad usually wouldn't of been that mad especially after I explained every thing to him. Unfortunatly by that point his girlfriend had been adding fuel to the fire for hours. Repeating over and over again, oh they might be dead, kidnapped, and other crazy stuff. (She was so toxic) At that point their was no reasoning with him. I told them where we were and that we were still over an hour away walking distance. I guess we were kind of hoping they would come and get us so we wouldnt have to walk. I figure if they were that worried they would come get us right away. To our surprise they told us to walk and hung up on us. (Yep definitely HIGH) We didn't look forward to the walk but I told my step sister that at lease they will have time to calm down. What a fool I was, I was just giving my crazy step mother more time to add fuel to the fire.

By the time we got there my dad was so angry that the second I step inside the house he grabbed me and by the neck and lifted me clear off the ground. He held me there and choked me until I couldn't breath and almost passed out (Not to mention I have severe asthma). Since they had called the cops the night before they had to tell them I was back home and the cop had to come over and check up on us. When the cop saw how angry my dad was and the red marks on my neck he asked if my dad had hurt me, I couldn't answer. My dad was like daring me to say something and I was so terrified of what he would try to do to the cop or to me. I never said anything and the cop left looking at me with regretful eyes. After he left I went to my room hoping it would stop there but it didn`t. My dad came up to our (me and my step sisters) room and started hitting me with pillows and screaming slut at me. I ran downstairs trying to get away but his girlfriend grab the back of my shirt collar and I fell backwards. Once I got back up my dad was already down stairs so I ran back upstairs and climb out my window before he had the chance to follow me. I hid behind the house for hours hoping they wouldnt find me. Eventually everything calmed down but I still had to walk around with black and blue fingerprints on my neck for weeks after as a reminder.

I know it was wrong not coming back home that night but I don't think I deserved that treatment. I truly believe my step mother had it out for me, my step sister didn't get a hand raised against her and I'm glad. I wouldn't want  that to happen to anyone. I know my father has to take part of the blame but my step mother did so many crazy things to me (but that's for another post) that I cant help but think she made everything worst. What I really didn't understand back then was why were they so mad that time. Sometimes it was oki not a big deal and other times it was the end of the world. Its not like I had any specific rules we had to obey. I guess it was more of a day to day thing depending on how the drugs affected their emotions and mind.

Charmed

Addiction Runs In The Family

Addiction: It runs in the family or should I say it RUINS the family. 

I think its a well known fact that children of addicts are more likely to become addicts themselves. For those of us living with it we know theirs much more to it then that. Theirs the constant struggle between balancing the love we have for our parents and not becoming like them. This is not a one time fact but a life long challenge. Especially at a young age when we haven't yet started forming our own identity. In my case, I know having a parent who struggled with addiction had a strong impact on the choices I made, but they were just that my choices. I wont put all the blame on circumstances because that would take away the power I have to make the right decisions today. If I kept blaming circumstances then I would use that as a the perfect excuse to keep using. Despite that I would still like to look at the circumstances that had the biggest impact on my decisions.

After fighting like crazy with my mother so she would let me move with my father, I actually got to spend time with him. He would bring me to the movies, the book store, the restaurant, just me and him. He would bring me every where with him on his time off. Its some of the best times I had with my dad even if he was partying a lot. I idolized my father and before my parents separated I went every where with him also. But then he met his girlfriend and everything changed. The weekends that we usually spent together became their time together and he started making less and less time for us to spend together alone. If he did she would get mad and make him think it was about something else. She got jealous but she hid it from him. I didn't need all his time I just wanted some alone time like we use to have once in a while. It got even worst when we moved in with her. It got to the point where he couldn't even give me money without her getting mad. She made sure he would spend all his money on drugs by having some for him before he even got home from work. She knew once he started he wouldn't stop. 

She started smoking weed with me but not with her own kids that were my age. Her kids were too good for that even if they wanted to smoke. Protecting them but not me. Eventually I realized that the only way to get quality time with my father was to start doing what he was doing. So once he offered I started doing coke with him. I finally started having more time with my dad even if we weren't alone I was happy. I wasn't yet addicted since I was only doing it on weekends when my dad was home from work. He was gone trucking during the week. But then his girlfriend started offering me some during the week, asking me not to tell my dad what she was doing. She even kept me home from school but made her kids go. Again I believe she was protecting her kids but throwing me to the wolves, so to speak. And from there things started going from bad to worst.

Charmed

Here another blog of a Child of an addict
http://theaddictschild.blogspot.ca/

Running Away

After my parents separated and my mom moved back to my home town, five hours away, I was always torn between having both my parents in my life. I was a Daddy's girl, I thought he was always right  although he had disappointed me often he always had a «good» excuse and I still believed in them. Despite all that my mom was my mom, she was always there for me, she kept her promises. I could depend on her, really depend on her, so I was always torn. The fact that they also both wanted me with them and tried to convince me to live with them made it easier for me to run away from my problems. Every time I couldn't handle something or when I didn't get my way I had the opportunity to move away, far away. Problems with drugs, friends, school, parents, break up... 

I moved around soo much, I was never able to really settle down and after soo many times I stop bothering with unpacking everything. I lost a lot of important stuff with all the moving. The time that hurt me the most was when I moved back to my moms and whatever I hadn't brought with me for my visit with her, was left at my dads. My dads girlfriend had kids around my age who just stole all my stuff even my moms engagement ring from my dad, that had been given to me after they separated. My dad didn't do anything to help, he didn't seem to care and since then I've always been protective of my things. The one exception was when my addiction was pretty bad and I moved back to my moms after living on my own. That time I left a lot of sentimental and important things behind. What drives me crazy about losing all that stuff is that we never had much money so replacing anything was almost impossible and that's if it was even replaceable.

When running away we often leave behind more then our problems. Although more than that  by getting in the habit of running I forgot how to slow down and appreciate the people around me. I also didn't get to learn how to deal with being wrong and solve problems effectively. Its like I still cant be wrong, Ill argue my point until I blue in the face even when I get that lil voice telling me I'm wrong. Ill ignore it. As for resolving problems I'm still learning how to listen to the other persons point of view and compromise. Whats important is being open to learn, grow and change. Trying new ways when the old ones aren't working, instead of giving up and running away.

~Charmed~

When Drugs Mattered More than Christmas

There was a time when I saw Christmas as just a source of money to buy more drugs. Nothing else mattered and I can only imagined how that hurt the people in my life. Its not like my addiction was a secret, often an addiction becomes a family affair and therefore affects everyone around you. Although it was known, that didn't mean its was easily talked about. Its hard to mention a problem that has no obvious solution in sight, it tends to bring great despair. The hopeless feeling that it brings, not being able to make that person better, no matter how much we want it.  All the people I must of hurt has me appreciating them even more today for putting up with me. I forgot how to love the small things. Its like I was completely oblivious to everything besides my need for another pill. I missed out on soo much and now I try to make up for it everyday. I make sure to notice the small things that bring me such joy. I remember my first winter sober, one morning I woke up and saw the sticky snow outside and got the incredible urge to go build a snowman, for the first time in I don't know how long.

I understand now what I was putting them through. Since I got sober 4 years ago I'm now in their position, having a father that is an addict and wishing he wasn't. Being disappointed and hurt. Its funny that no matter how many times I get disappointed I still have hope that next time will be different and then I'm disappointed all over again. What bothers me the most is that  although its Christmas, its very hard for me to bring myself to go see him because he isn't sober. Especially during Christmas he tends to drink a lot and stays up for a couple days. So I haven't seen him yet this Christmas. I texted him today to exchange gifts, well giving the gift I got him but got no response and later found out he had finally passed out. All for the better I guess since he works tomorrow but that means I probably won't see him. I guess I could of went and seen him  yesterday but when I got a call from him a few days ago, I could tell he had been drinking and I knew that probably meant he would be up for a couple days as usual. When he's drinking, our conversation tends to be about how bad his problems are and how people "screw" him over. He wants me to take pity and help him with something but what am I to do, I'm the child, I can barely take care of myself. I might be 4 years sober but it takes a lifetime to recover from an addiction. I'm trying to fix my life, learn how to be independent and make it through college. I can't be taking care of someone else right now. I wish I could call him with my problems instead of the other way around. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at listening to someone problems and give advice. I just don't want to be made to feel guilty or responsible when I shouldn't be.

Sincerely, Charmed