Poem: Loving The Damaged Parts of My heart

This Poem is dedicated to that special person who made me believe that love doesn't have to hurt. 

The time spent hurt and alone

In the presence of one that would never know

The depths of my soul that would never heal

To understand would be to feel

Now left damaged and untrusting

For someone to find loving

The damaged parts that I've become

To pick them up and make them home

For only one with a soul replicated

Could love the parts I've hated

Mirrored souls become one mind

Left for my other half to find

In the deep reaches of my mind

There you will find a love so kind

That hides behind walls so tall

Only a true heart can make them fall

By one who accepts my damaged parts

Cherishing the broken pieces of my heart

Never needing for them to be put together

Seeing the beauty in its disaster

Yours truly, Charmed

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Doubt When Making Changes

I wrote this post right after New Year's Eve this year but didn't know if I should post it. But I finally decided to let my thoughts of that moment be known. I've changed many things in my life and it doesn't get any easier the more times I do it. Changes still scares me. I usually fight it every step of the way trying to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. Although when my heart’s desire becomes greater than the fear, my soul finds the courage to carry on as planned. Taking that leap, that risk that might just change everything.

From last Christmas to this Christmas so much has happened, so much has changed, but still so much is still the same. I'm almost in the same position I was a year ago. I'm in a relationship where I'm rarely happy but God, the Goddess, destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it, has seen fit to put another man in my life to give me another chance at happiness, if only I have the courage to reach out and take the opportunity given to me. This is not something I do carelessly or easily, be it bad or good, all my choices are calculated, exploring every possibly; the things that can go wrong and the things that can go right. I tend to over analyze everything and get lost in my own mind. I'm obviously a Pisces but being a Pisces also means that I rely a lot on my instincts and emotions which are an important part of the calculating process.

When I make the decision to go ahead with something it’s with a lot of thought and care, which sometimes makes me hesitate and I miss out on the wonderful opportunity given to me. It’s really helping that my emotions are really strong for this person, I can’t believe how much I feel connected to him and it all just feels so right. On the other hand I'm nervous and scared because I've been fooled before and I've learnt not to trust my instinct. I'm not saying this person isn't a wonderful person but what if he changes with time and becomes someone completely different, its happened to me before. On top of that I'm really scared about having to deal with the guy I'm in a relationship with, I know he will make it hard for me to leave. He will fight and I don't completely trust him to let me leave with all my things. I don't even want to think about how that's going to work or how it will even happen. See I'm over thinking everything again why can't I stop doubting myself.

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Charmed

My Blogs One Year Anniversary

Here are some of the first posts I wrote last year Christmas Posts 2013

It’s my blogs one year anniversary can you believe that? It's funny that until last year I didn't even know what a blog was and had never read any. What introduced me to the blogging world was the movie Julie and Julia, but the one that actually got me to look into it was the movie Textuality. I started this blog last Christmas and I'm extremely happy I've kept it up for a year. To commit to a project that long is a first for me and I'm really proud of myself. I even started two other blogs this year that I ended up deleting because I wanted to focus on this one. The great thing is I'm not tired of it yet and I'm as dedicated as ever.

I know in the past I didn't always proofread my posts and didn't always do a spell check on them because I was so eager to post them. But for the last couple post now I've been proof reading them and running a spell check on them, thanks to some advice from an awesome aunt. I also decided that I'd get some kind of editor when I purchase my new laptop in January (mines about 6 years old lol, I think it’s time to get a new one, plus I'm having a bunch of problems with this one). I figured I'd benefit from more than just a basic spell check since I tend to use some words often and I don't always structure properly. So for this upcoming year my resolution for my blog will be better writing quality, hopefully; and of course another year of commitment posting at least once a week, even if it’s only a quick update.

Charmed

Has Christmas Changed or Have I ?

This Christmas just seems different from the rest. Last year my boyfriend asked me why I expected gifts from my parents and my answer was they have always done it and well this year I really wanted an e-reader. The truth is I needed the gifts to feel special and I felt like I deserved it. It was tradition I didn't want to let go of. Every year I looked at Christmas as an opportunity to get something, like most kids do. At 23 I was still feeling this way which seemed a bit old to my boyfriend, who said he hasn't expected anything from his parents in a long time. I just didn't see how he could compare the two since he never see's his family and I'm really close to mine, which is something I value greatly. Now one year later at 24 I didn't even think about what I wanted so when my parents asked I was at a loss. This felt odd to me because I'd always had a huge list ready for them every year, well not really for my dad anymore since I learnt years ago that something always happens around the holidays where money goes missing and he can't afford much. I didn't know what to ask for and after thinking about it real hard I mumbled something about if their dog had puppies I'd take one, pajamas, a spice rack, a computer desk or a crock pot. Whatever they could afford was fine and it could be second hand stuff. All I was really thinking about was spending time with them.

It's weird how my way of thinking changed without me even realizing it. Now I don't need presents from them to feel loved and I feel like whatever I need I can buy myself. Christmas and holidays should be about family but sadly our society puts a lot of importance on gifts to get us to spend tons and tons of money and in result kids expect it and parents feel the need to buy the best. I expected it for years, I'm not any different from anyone else, but I'm glad this year I've experienced this deep spiritual growth that’s made me realize what's really important. I'm just really happy to be at my mom's this holiday and it’s a big relief to not have to worry about school. I hadn't came to my mom’s since this summer which is probably the longest time I've went without seeing her and I missed her so freaking much. I even really missed my little brothers which don’t happen because I never go this long without seeing them. I just feel so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to spend time with them. To make things even better the oldest brother who's lives literally 3 days drive away is also at my mom’s for the holidays and my boyfriend who didn't get to come last years is coming down on Tuesday to be with my family for the holidays. Not to spoil the moment but I'm still a little worried he won't show up so I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed and will let you know what happens.

Charmed

My Christmas Tree @ home

Is It Rape ??

This has to be one of the hardest things I've ever written about. I don't even talk about this to the people closest to me but I’m letting it be known so that others girls might not feel as alone. Too many women that are raped under the age of 18 feel that's it’s their fault so they never report it. According to Wikipedia, a research that was done in 65 countries shows police reporting more then 250 000 cases of rape or attempted rape annually. Astounding number isn't it?  What’s even more astounding is most rapes aren't even reported. Doubt in ourselves is so damaging especially when it comes to rape. I should know I still doubt myself to this very day, believing I should of done more to stop it, or I asked for it, or I put myself in that situation so it’s my fault. Sadly we were raised to believe this because that's exactly what society wants us to believe. But even knowing all this a part of me still holds on to that doubt, although less than before.

At 14 years old I went to a New Years Eve party with my best friend and her much older boyfriend who drove us to the party at his best friend’s house out of town. It wasn't really a party though, only 5 people including me, my best friend, her boyfriend, his best friend and his best friends’ girlfriend. Now did you get that, it’s kind of confusing. Anyways we were meant to spend the night since her boyfriend would be drinking. And yes he was of age. Needless to say my bestie and I drank; it was New Years Eve after all. Being 14 I hadn't drank that often, I hadn't even done drugs yet, well besides weed. They had even made jello shooters for us so the booze, we weren't use to, would go down easier. When I eventually started getting really drunk they showed me to the room I'd be staying in for the night to let me sleep it off and let me tell you, I passed out pretty fast. I was knocked out until in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping someone sneaked into the room. His best friend, the guy who's house we were at, had left his girlfriends side to come sneak into my room. Scared shitless and half asleep from the booze I never said a word while he got on top of me and did his thing. When he was finally done he left to go back to his girlfriend who was fast asleep in another room. I think that in his head he really thought I wanted him because he kept saying something like "is it good". I don't know what the hell he was thinking to be honest. He was more than 15 years older than me, and I was only 14 so whatever he was thinking is irrelevant. I was just so scared that no one would believe me that I never said anything to anyone for years and years.

I'm not sure how much this event has changed me and my life but I know it had its effects on me. I thought for years that all guys just wanted sex and if I wanted them to like me I had to sleep with them. After that I started acting out more, doing harder drugs and sleeping around. I don't know if this event caused those things to happen or if it pushed me into that direction. Despite this happening I enjoy sex today. I guess in some way I've healed and I've moved on. I'm not having sex for them anymore I have sex for me now. I don't sleep around either; I keep that for my people I get a serious connection with.

Even though I've healed, for the most part anyways, I've never thought of reporting it. It just isn't the right decision for me and it wasn’t required for my healing process. I've moved on and I don't want people in my hometown to know what happened, or worst what if they don't believe me and shame me. This makes me glad to this day that I didn't report it because of how much worst things could have been if I had. This is the world we live in and something needs to change. No matter what I still have this doubt deep down that I've never been able to get rid of, probably because of how society chooses to look at rape. I’ve heard so many girls blaming other girls for rape or not believing them which is really sad because we need to support each other and stop denying that this could happen to someone we know. I'm hoping that by sharing this with you that girls who feel alone because of how our society is will find some comfort knowing they are not alone. Dealing with an assault and not reporting it can make you feel very alone but know that you are not alone. And even if you decide not to report it to the police, you should tell someone you trust completely, it really does help.

Sincerely Charmed

Am I a Sex Addict ???

I was talking with a nice lady on twitter when she asked me if my addiction was love and sex like her. My last post about starting a blog on sexuality and spirituality might have gotten her confused. I answered I didn't believe I was because sex doesn't interfere with any aspect of my life in a negative way, and I asked her what she considered to be an addiction to sex. 

She said:

Sex addiction is not much different than an alcohol addiction. Two people can drink the same amount but only one feels the "need". I would use sex to medicate myself from feeling sad, lonely, angry, or scared. Sex itself is wonderful but how I used it was not. You can also go onto sex/love addict websites like SLAA to get information about ways that addicts like me, act out.

So she got me wondering what the differences between need and a deep want are. I see myself as someone who really enjoys kink and I want it often, but I never stray from a relationship because of this deep want or is it need. Is sex something most humans need or is it just a deep want. I’ll let you decide that for yourselves. As for me, I did some research and got a brief idea of what a NEED or addiction to sex would be considered.

Spending considerable time in activities related to sex

Neglecting obligations such as work, school or family in pursuit of sex.

Engaging in excessive sexual practices despite a desire to stop.

Continually engaging in the sexual behavior despite negative consequences,

Escalating scope or frequency of sexual activity to achieve the desired effect

Being preoccupied with sex cravings and unsuccessfully attempting to limit sexual activity.

Feeling irritable when unable to engage in the desired behavior.

I also found a site where you can take a test/survey to see if you’re a sex addict or have those tendencies. @ Sex Addiction Survey But no survey will be 100% accurate and it efficiency depends on the honesty of your answers. As for me a the survey said my answers didn't  fit the criteria needed to be a sex addicted but that I was compulsive when it came to sex and that I spent too much time thinking about it. And I'm fine with that. If something doesn't affect your life and the people in it negatively, and you’re happy, then why worry. 

Embrace your sexuality and all your fantasies, trust me if you thought of it someone else has also, you’re not alone. Research, research, research and mostly just be happy. For those of you who think you might have an issue with sex or your survey score pointed to you having an addiction I suggest you check out this site Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and talk to a professional. Take care of yourself.

Charmed

Detachment Guilt Sucks

Sometimes you just got to do what’s right for you. Ya not as easy as it sounds. I've been feeling guilty as hell ever since I avoided my best friend’s calls. I never answer unknown numbers and even then I rather text then talk on the phone.  Now the one time I do pick up it ends up being my best friend who I hadn't talked to in forever. I had kind of detached myself from her ever since I realized how bad the addiction was. It’s hard for me to see her like this, knowing all too well the lifestyle. That the lying and manipulating goes hand in hand with addiction. I believe myself to be strong in my recovery but I don't want to tempt fate. We have a lot of good memories partying together and that scares me. The good memories scare me. A lot of my recovery was supported by remembering the bad memories.

When I first answered I was still smiling but that quickly faded as I remembered her situation and her new picture on Facebook. She didn't look well to say the least. I knew right then before she said anything that she definitely wanted something and my stomach became all knotted. I'm the type of person who has a really hard time saying no, so I tend to avoid the situation all together. This means I tend to miss out on a lot. Yes it’s definitely something I'm working on. She first asked me if she could come spend the night which probably meant she had no where to stay, although she never actually said that. I wasn't even aware that her situation was that bad. I told her I had school the next day and that my boyfriend worked. But she insisted she was tired and she just wanted to sleep. So out of a moment of weakness I said I’d ask my boyfriend once he got back from the store and she said she would call back. 

In the middle of all this she slipped in a little fact she forgot to mention at the beginning about her boyfriend coming with her. A man I've never met. Needless to say I didn't answer when she called back and I felt terrible about it. But I was in the middle of studying for my finals and I wasn't leaving her and a strange man in my home alone. I doubted very much that they would wake up and leave the following morning when my boyfriend and I left for work and school. I know better than to leave a full blown addict unsupervised in my home. I was an addict I know all too well how terribly wrong this stay over could of went. And probably because I was an addict I was even more fearful and cautious about the whole thing. I know all too well what we are capable of and just how terrible things could have been. But this still doesn't stop the guilt and that what ifs.

Charmed