Sunday, June 30, 2013

Another Day, Another Problem

A case of bad luck has got me pretty bummed out. Every summer since I left for college I usually go on social assistance since my school loans are only for the school year. But the last two summers I've gotten jobs with good hours so I never stayed on it very long. This summer was different the job I got only gave me 11 hours a week so I had to stay on social assistance for help while I looked for another job.

This Friday I found out my social assistance worker didn't give me the amount of money I was suppose to get which means I'm getting less money working then just being on social assistance which is really discouraging. Just finding out I cant pay my phone bill or my rent or even food has me pretty stressed out. Especially since my usually understanding landlady told me a couple of days ago that her farther was sick so she really needed the rent on the first.

Oh but that's not all, yesterday morning my job calls me very early when they know I worked until midnight the night before and tell me, and I quote: We wont be needing your services anymore. So now I'm fired for no apparent reason but at lease I had been warned by past workers and current workers that they fire people all the time for no reason before people reach the 3 month mark. Although that did nothing to make me feel better or make it any easier. And as shallow as this might sound my prides a little hurt cause I know I'm a good worker.

On a better note and some twisted part of fate at lease I had already been looking for another job. I needed more then 11 hours so I had been handing out resume these past two weeks. I'm thinking that maybe some part of me took the warning seriously that they fired people a lot and was getting ready for it. So thankfully I had already 2 interviews planned for this Tuesday (since its a long weekend and Monday is Canada Day) and hopefully I get hired but even if I do, I'm still not going to get a pay check for 2 to 3 weeks after the day I start working which might not be right away. Its so hard to stay positive but I'm trying.

Remembering a little good news I got this week helps change my mind. I got my first check sent in the mail from eBay for the ads I have on my blog. Its my first check since starting my blog in December 2012 and its only 30 cents, since its a pay per click thing, but I plan on framing it and putting it on my wall. I want it to be a reminder to keep doing what I love, and that maybe one day my writing might pay off and that hopefully Ill be a success in my field of psychology. I really need something good like that to happen I don't want to keep living like this and even though I know my mom would help me with whatever she could, she also doesn't have much money and I want to be the one helping her for a change. I don't like taking money from her because I know she needs it. I want to be an adult who can financially support herself and its embarrassing to still need my mom to help me financially. I want to take care of her and I swear one day I will.

Another thing that made me happy and changed my mind off the fact that I'm broke and fired was that I finally got my first fire of the summer last night. Its was so beautiful and I think I appreciated it all the more because I had been waiting 2 months for a fire. It took so long since these last 3~4 weeks it had either been raining or I've been working and before that we needed to get fire wood which took my boyfriend about 3 weeks to do. After we burnt the little amount of wood we had the fire had been burning almost an hour and I had made a few roasted marshmallows by then. We also talked about going to watch the fireworks for Canada Day on Monday which I'm really looking forward to. Long weekends are great so I'm going to try and concentrate on that instead of my problems and hope every thing works itself out this week.

Have a Great Weekend Everyone!


Friday, June 28, 2013

Don't Worry I Didn't Relapse

Oh ya, that's me pulling a disappearing act for almost a full month. Sorry about that. I could say summer has kept me busy but in all honesty I just couldn't get inspired. I guess I got my first taste of writers block. 

You know, I just got to that point where I felt like I'd just be repeating myself if I tried to write. So I sat back and thought about my content. So far I've written about events in my past and about certain issues that were important in my life such as fear of change or finding happiness but the one thing I didn't write about very often was about the here and now which is kind of funny since that's what I first intended to do when I started my blog. So it made me want to start writing about my days that way I can avoid well somewhat repeating myself.

Here it is. 
Today, I went to town to get my methadone for the week and got some other stuff at the pharmacy... lol... woman stuff, that's all I'm saying. While I was walking back home in the occasional rain I noticed it was around the time my boyfriend (for about 2 and a half year) got off work so I sent him a text asking him where he was so we could meet up for a couple of minutes since I know he usually gets dropped off down town.

On my way to meet him I past the grocery and thought well a bacon tomato sandwich would be good tonight  so naturally I changed course and  headed in to the store, getting me some bacon and two hot house tomatoes (it was all very delicious by the way). My boy friend met up with me and on our way out of the grocery store I say I'm so hungry I want something right now to get some energy to walk home since I hadn't eaten yet today. And voila a stop at the hot dog stand and some fresh squeezed lemonade with a squirt of cherry later and we're on our way home.

Can you see how easily I can be diverted sometimes, my mind jumps from on thing to another. Nothings ever really planned, it just happens, which is exactly how I like it. Well besides the important stuff like money and work/school.

Now before we parted ways to each go home we made some half plans about maybe him coming over after he showered. But he ended up not coming since he was tired and his feet hurt which was kind of disappointing because I'm always the one going over to his place, like every weekend which is getting very unpractical.

We have already lived together at the very beginning of our relationship but that didn't work out so well for us. So as unpractical as it is we have to make it work some how if we want to see each other. Which is why I told him that for the next little bit he will have to come to my place if he wanted to see me. That way I can get the break from the back and forth between his place and mine. Time I'll have to think about what to do next.

"If we don't see each other moving in together which would be the next logical step, specially since I'd like to get married one day and have a kid, what are we suppose to do next." That's the exact thought that's been in my head tonight and well, to be honest, on a lot of nights recently. I know its hasn't even been 3 years yet but when I mention future plans all he says is I don't think about stuff like that or the future. I should take this as a bad sign, right?

We already did the living together, getting pregnant and being told he wanted no part of it which was one of the big reasons I got an abortion which still hurts me to this day (I've spent many, many nights tossing and turning over not keeping it and simply mentioning it took a lot of courage). But I made the decision and now I'm accepting it with the firm determination that it will never happen again.

But it still comes down to "So what happens next?"

I care for him deeply but some part of me knows its probably not meant to be but that does nothing to help me decide and commit to what comes next.

And that's how I'm spent my day.