Sunday, March 31, 2013

Doing Easter Clean and Sober

Easter, for me isn't about religion like it is for most people but I do enjoy it and who's going to complain about an extra long weekend off. I always get a long weekend during the school year since I always have Fridays off so when there's a Monday thrown in well now that's a long weekend. With Easter already here and me almost being done this school year with final exams start next Monday I'm starting to really feel summer coming along fast. We finally just started getting nice weather here, that means its above 5 degrees Celsius which is still cold for most people but at lease its not minus 40 like it was in January and February. So visiting family with spring in the air is the best kind of Easter, It brings back memories of the chocolate filled mornings I use to have searching for my prize with my older brother. I even stole 1 smarty from my ten year brother earlier and we had a good laugh, I even teased him about the location of his stash. I also enjoyed a nice supper at my aunts and got to meet my cousin new born baby, she's six weeks old and my cousin is around my age. I even got to hold her after being a little apprehensive, I didn't know how I'd feel about it since my pregnancy issue I had a year ago. But everything was great and I enjoyed meeting her.

Its nice to be with family even if it can be tiring and stressful at times. This weekend I decided not to go out to the bar like I usually would on a holiday when I'm visiting family instead I'm enjoying just relaxing at my moms by myself. Although I would of liked to spend more time with the family I was tired and they wanted to go out. I'm suppose to go to my dads for a few hours tomorrow and I having a bit of anxiety over it. I just don't know how to feel about it. I'm suppose to pick up some of my stuff but I have no idea where I'm going to put it just that I don't want it there anymore, stuff is going missing like every time I've ever left my stuff with my dad. Its stressful and frustrating. I just want to go through it and keep what necessary with me and just forget the rest. I'm glad I grabbed my photo albums last time I was there. It seems he's with the woman who called the cops and my dad might go to jail which I talked about in the Daddy-going-to-jail post. So I really don't know what to expect when I go there. 

I also have a big project to do for school and it has to be done by Wednesday so I have to keep working on that all weekend. Last week I had to do another oral presentation and I must of got hit by the bad luck bus. The one day I had to get to class no matter what, since I had big presentation at 1:00 pm, my stupid alarm doesn't go off and I don't wake up until 1:00 pm. I even went to bed early to make sure I was rested and I still get up at 1. I was freaking out not believing the clock.  So I call a cab right away still in P.J.s, I throw whatever clothes I find on the ground, brush my teeth, tie my hair and get outside as the cab gets there. By then its just after 1:10 and I still need to go to library to print notes, so I can actually do the presentation, and then get to class. I kept thinking I'm not going to make it but after a 25$ cab ride and a run to the library I finally get to class at 1:40. Thankfully two other groups went before us and the second wasn't done yet so I actually got to do my presentation which was worth 25% of my final mark. Its funny how unlucky lucky I am. If that makes sense.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

My Dads Struggles With Addiction Sending Him to Jail

Well needless to say my father might be going to jail for allegedly assaulting an old roommate and friend of his. The guy he assaulted spent 6 days in the hospital and to make thing worst he is currently my best friends boyfriends roommate and friend so I kinda feel in the middle of all this. Being told each side of the story, a bit like the messenger because their not talking to each other but they want to know who made the call to the cops. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to say and what I shouldn't say. I obviously don't want my dad to go to jail but what he did was wrong and I want to do the right thing by my best friend.

So far it hasn't been too much of a problem because their more focused on the person who planned it, who pushed and manipulated until it finally happened and who called the cops when it was happening. The anger and blame is now focused on this person and rightly so. Its like this crazy person is trying to get revenge on everyone. They kept telling my father his old roommate was out to get him over and over again until one night when he was drunk he finally snapped and got violent which I know all to well how violent he can get when drinking. What saddens me is the last time he got violent with me, the only person who came to my defense was his roommate at the time, the guy he allegedly assaulted.

I still don't want my dad to go away but I'm mad he hurt the guy who once defended me by coming between my father and me. What a headache. I just hope the person that started this and manipulated my father to get what they wanted, which was the cops in that house, gets what they deserves and is made to take responsibility for their part in it. Justice. But the court thing is a mess and I don't think they know about that persons part in it so unless my dads tells the court they might get away with it even though they drove my father there.


Friday, March 22, 2013

Letting Go of The Past & An Addicted Step Mother

I have to be honest and tell you that I started this blog for me so that I may have a place to get support, process my thoughts and finally let them go. Although this is still a very important part, what keeps me coming back after I feel like I've said everything I needed to, is that I've realized one of the greatest gifts of recovery is being able to help others. Thinking that my posts might help someone out there motivates me to keep writing and share what Ive learned over the years. 

In this post I thought I should talk a bit about letting go since most of us, including me, struggle with it in recovery. In recovery we struggle with a lot of things we need to let go of: the pain, the sadness, old friends, old places, old habits, old beliefs, old ways of doing things, the list goes on. It's a huge and difficult process for all of us. Letting go of who we think we are can be extremely frightening.

This is especially true in the beginning of recovery but its something we still face in our daily lives although maybe in smaller amounts. I got a message to my phone late last night around 11. It was a picture of the little boy my step mother and father would have had if she hadn't lost it when she was 8 months pregnant. 

In the picture he was obviously dead and it showed. He was all blue, wrap in a blanket so she could take a picture before cremating him. It made me very sad but also I was a little disturbed by this picture. I didn't really know what to make of it. As I was putting my phone away she sent another message telling me to think of him since it was his birthday and he would be 5 years old today. 

I still didn't know what to make of her texts so I started asking myself a bunch of questions. Why is she really sending me this? Does she want to make me feel guilty that we did drugs together when she was pregnant? Why send me a message so late? Is she high right now? Or maybe she mentally ill ? It just kept bugging me and bringing back memories about my own situation that Id rather forget.

I finally told myself I have to just let it go. The past is the past and that's where it will stay. No need to keep feeling guilty over something that wasn't really in my control. Although its never that easy. As for my own situation, Ill let those memories go for today but I know they will come back to visit me eventually. Thinking about letting go helped distract me from the pain of my past and concentrate on something more important. Sharing my experience to hopefully help someome else let go of a hurtful past.

I think its important that we remind ourselves to let go of the things that do us no good. Letting ourselves move on to something more positive and good for us. We can't move on with our future if we keep getting dragged back into our past. We can't become what we are meant to be if we hold on to what we once were. This is a lesson I'm still learning everyday. 

I constantly struggle with wanting to be the person I was before drugs physically and mentally but with the knowledge I have now. I'm always comparing my social life, my fitness, my looks, my confidence to the person I once was. I know its not doing me any good. I need to let go to grow. I have to stop trying to be the person I was so I can become someone even better then who I was back then.


Monday, March 18, 2013

~Love Keeps Hurting Poem~

Same goes for this one and all my poems. Some of you might not like them but they are truly from the heart so please be respectful. I understand that my poem is not perfect and it might seem like I'm complaining, and maybe I am. But all I wanted to do was put down into words the emotions that I felt. The mess in my head. Plain and simple.

Love Keeps Hurting

I'm filled with your lies,
I can see it in your eyes,
How can I believe you,
After what you put me through.

To all the actions not taken,
To all the promises broken,
Your words are now empty,
When you say you love me.

With tears in my eyes,
As I begin to realize,
Its not worth fighting for,
Not anymore.

Wanting to be yours truly,
Wanting you to see me,
Too bad he will never understand,
What it takes to be my man.


Love Hurts Poem

Same goes for this one and all my poems. Some of you might not like them but they are truly from the heart so please be respectful. I understand that my poem is not perfect and it might seem like I'm complaining, and maybe I am. But all I wanted to do was put down into words the emotions that I felt. The mess in my head. Plain and simple.

Love Hurts

Your lack of care,
Becomes a lot to bare,
Every day, Every night,
All you do is pick a fight,

You always have a say,
You always have your way,
And when it counts,
Nothing I do amounts,

Again you ignore,
Like I'm a chore,
Its never enough,
I'm never enough,

I'm not worth the effort,
And that really hurts,
It hurts my heart,
Its breaking us a part,

How can you not feel what I feel,
Giving you my heart was a big deal,
Wanting to be your one and only,
You started treating me as a duty,

You will never be,
That crazy about me,
Do I ask to much,
That you crave my touch,

All I want is for you to be happy,
How can you treat me so badly,
My love was always true to you,
Why couldn't you feel it too,


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Taking Charge

Since my birthday was coming up and I had a new year ahead of me, I got inspired to set myself a goal for the coming year. I chose to buy Insanity workout DVDs because mainly I was having serious low energy problem and I heard the best way to get energy is to eat right and exercise. Also I wanted to get into shape and have more endurance. I think this is a great idea especially with summer coming up I want to look my best and have energy to get out and have fun. I just started the workouts a few days ago and I can already feel it in my muscles. Their tight and sore but that what keeps me motivated because I can feel the change. When I was doing the shakes and diet pills for two months around Christmas time I didn't really see or feel a difference and that's why I stopped. With this its totally different, I finish a workout and I cant wait for the next day to do it all over again.

I'm a little disappointed that I can't keep up with the people in the video and that Ill pause it to take a minute or less break. My body has been abused so much by drugs and I haven't worked it out in such a long time, it gets winded really fast. Although I do push myself to the limit and I believe that's what the workout all about. I know with time I'll get better and be able to do more, its just that I didn't realize how out of shape I was. I use to be able to do so much more as a teenagers and now I'm only 24 and I cant keep up. I'm really motivated and I need that to do these videos because they are extremely difficult, especially if your out of shape like me. These workouts are exactly what I need right now and I'll keep you all updated on my progress.


Tuesday, March 05, 2013

My Struggles as a Recovering Addict

At the moment, I'm renting a room in an apartment in the semi-basement (big windows) of a nice lady. I was living with my boyfriend, but I just needed to get out of that toxic environment. I'm not exactly ready to talk about the shit that happened, it was messy, emotional and very confusing. Every time I try to talk about it I feel like it doesn't make sense. I just don't see the situation clearly anymore or I'm not strong enough to deal with it.

I'm constantly second guessing myself, one day I'm thinking I'm being manipulated and lied to, and the next I feel like I'm too demanding and I'm the problem. Relationships have always been an issue for me. I'd love to fix it but I just have no idea where to start. I've been trying to spend more time at home to distance myself lately so I can see the situation clearer. I love staying at home, but I don't have any friends in the area so it gets lonely on weekends. I had the idea that maybe getting a little dog would help keep me company.

Now after thinking about it long and hard I'm still not sure if I'm ready to commit. It's a lot of responsibility and I don't know if my life is stable enough right now. My feelings change so much from day to day it's hard to make any decision for the near future. I've always loved animals but its dogs I have a real passion for. I rarely cry during movies but if anything happens to a dog I actually start to cry. Fuck the humans right, it's the dogs that really matter. Just kidding. Dogs are just so innocent and helpless. For example, the movie 8 below made me cry like a baby.

Yesterday I had a dog come over to see if she would be comfortable around me, she's a timid little thing. She's an adorable half poodle and half chihuahua, the perfect size for what I'm looking for. I'm just scared to rush into it without being 100% sure I have the time and energy to give the dog the attention it deserves. 

The owner was very understanding about giving me time to think it over to make sure I was doing the right thing and she said if I wanted to have another visit with the dog before deciding she would bring her over again. She had even offered to give her to me for free when she had originally planned to sell her for 200$. What was really holding me back is how tired I am lately and how doing normal everyday things like going to school, doing groceries, getting to the doctor, the dentist and to get my methadone is already difficult for me.

I feel so drained of energy no matter what I do and I think it's been like that since I quit drugs but it feels like its gotten worst. I don't want to believe that my past drug use is still affecting me and my everyday life but it is. It's hard to talk to anyone about this because I'd have to explain to them my previous drug use or that the medication I'm taking for it might be making me tired. 

So making new friends, keeping appointments, going to school, keeping up with essays and finding a way to work without revealing anything can be extremely difficult. Even seeing old friends who know that part of me makes me nervous because I wasn't able to make new friends for fear of judgement I haven't socialized in a while and I'm also nervous to be put in an uncomfortable situation.

The social stigma and judgement surrounding addicts makes it almost impossible to tell anyone what I'm going through. The mistrust, the doubts, the looks of pity and the thoughts that I'm weak are sometimes too much to bare. It's a very real issue that addicts face and it hinders our recovery. Put aside the actual addiction to drugs and it's still extremely hard to get sober and stay sober because of the judgement that prevent us from reaching out. My heart goes out to all of you out there struggling with this.

If you want to know more about the social stigma surrounding addicts I recommended this article that I read.  social-stigma-and-barriers-to-recovery

PS. Check out my Handmade Crystal Healing Trees 


Saturday, March 02, 2013

Sea Poem

At 14 years old in 2003, my mom and I made this poem when I kept moving back and forth from my dads who lived 5 hours away. I just found it in my diary and thought I'd share.


Sailing the great sea,
Feeling happy,
If the stars shine bright,
If every things right,
Under the sky, above the sea,
You'll be standing next to me,
If and when things go wrong,
We'll be holding strong,
Cause storms always passes,
Long before a new day begins,
We might of sailed different ways,
 But if it was meant to be,
We'll see each other some day,
Sailing on the same sea,


Friday, March 01, 2013

My Life After the Addiction

After the addiction here I am, a 23 year old (soon to be 24 on march 12th) university student studying psychology and hoping to one day be able to help people and families dealing with addiction. I haven't been an active addict for 4 years but sadly I don't  remember my exact sober date because I was a little lost and confused at the time. I had tried to quit so many times before I wasn't really paying attention to the date but at lease I know I quit coke in August 2008 and oxys a few months after that. I wish I remembered the exact date because its seems to be such a big deal among recovering addicts but sadly I don't know.I guess knowing the month will have to do.

In these four years I started by getting my high school diploma in the first year and applied to university (I got accepted in the two schools I applied for). The following three years have been spent working towards my bachelors in psychology which I believe was the perfect decision for me. I love psychology. The human mind and behavior fascinate me.

Until just a few years ago I had no plan or goals for the future therefore no way of working towards them. I believe in being independent and not having to rely on anyone but myself. For once I have hope that I can have a different life then my parents did and that my future holds more promise then my past ever did. Despite having this hope I'm also full of worry that once I'm done school I wont find a job in my field. I think about it a lot and it scares me, I don't know what to do.

Now getting to where I am today wasn't that easy and there's a lot more to the story. It was a long process that I took one day at a time and it got a little better everyday. It also got much better when I took the time to reflect all the possibilities life had to offer me like what new hobbies I could get interested in. When I was in the middle of my addiction I had lost interest in everything but drugs so discovering what makes me happy and what I like to do was a great process. It was also very important to my recovery because I needed to find something else to occupy my time besides doing drugs. It started with reading books, the magic of getting lost in a book was a great release for me.

There was also doing school work because I like learning and loved the feeling of accomplishing something, its very satisfying. I also loved writing always have even before I knew how to write, Id make symbols on a line over and over again. I'm really hoping to be an author one day and lately I've been thinking about putting some words down and see if I can't get a book started. I use too write poems a lot and I'd also make raps with them, it was a lot of fun.

I found an online multi-player game that was also a lot of fun because I got to talk to other people with out putting myself out there too much. Again like most games it was goal oriented and I got that gratifying feeling of accomplishing something. Another great pass time was watching T.V. series they made me feel less alone because over the course of a season, unlike a movie, I got the time to get to know the characters and grow close to them. I actually felt part of their world and I learned lessons from their struggles and the way the interacted with one another.

There's also this blog that I started a little over 2 months ago which has been a source of great relief and happiness because I get to write and at the same time let go of my pass. I've been a little busy pass  2-3 weeks and I haven't been writing on my blog as much as I like too. I found myself running out of ideas because I don't want to repeat myself too much. So I've decided to not just write about my pass like I've been doing but writing about my day to day stuff, that way I can keep writing even if I've said all I wanted to say about my past for that moment.

If I cant think of anything to write I usually go on the FACEBOOK PAGE for this blog and post images of quotes or ask my followers questions which I really enjoy because I get to read their comments. Finally I started drawing about two months ago around the same time I started this blog and I found that although it takes a lot of time and effort its very rewarding and is a great way to keep my mind busy. Here's my latest drawing that I did on the 2nd of March. It was my favorite show as a kid and honestly a show I still enjoy watching.

Sailor Moon: 02/03/13 

There still a lot of different things I want to try and do. On the top of my list is traveling and if I had the money I'd be doing as much of it as possible. Coming back from spring break this year I heard a lot of students talking about how they went to all these different places like Italy, Santa maria, Cuba and lots more because in most cases their parents paid. Hearing about it makes me want to go all the more and although my parents never had money to send me anywhere it didn't stop me from always dreaming of all the new places I could visit. I want to see the history in the world, explore a temple or walk among the ruins of an ancient village, see nature in all its different forms. Its something I absolutely have to do. A few other things I would love to try is yoga, kick boxing or martial arts, rock climbing, learn meditation and explore spirituality, taking dance, drawing, painting, sculpture and guitar lessons. The possibilities are endless but most of these things require money which I'm lacking, being a student and living off loans. But one day, one day for sure I'll get to do these wonderful things. I'm just proud and happy with what I've been able to do so far and looking forward to all the possibilities my future holds. I finally realize just how much I have to live for.