Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Evil Step Mother Part 2

I found a few of my old journals and started reading it out of curiosity. I really shouldn't of read it, its really amazing how the brain blocs out painful memories. I don't want to use the word abuse and neglect but deep down I know it to be true. She is really was not in any mental state to be around kids, she was vindictive, selfish and an addict which makes for very bad parenting skills. I believe that woman really traumatized me and my dad would leave me with her every week all week while he was gone trucking. Some of the things she said and did to me I cant even bring myself to talk about them. How can any person leave a 13 year old child stranded at night with no way home on purpose, and twice at that. The first time is mentioned in my post The Evil Step Mother. I had forgotten about the second time until I read the journal entry.

I started by writing about how I had called the movie theater to find out at what time our (me and my step sister) movie played and how long it was. The automated service told me the time in minutes so when I was calculating how long it be I made the mistake of thinking 100 minutes equaled out to 1 hour. Anyways what happened was that my step mother being drunk came to pick us up and we weren't out of the theater yet she left because I had told her it finished at 11:05 pm. We missed her by 10 minutes, she came at 11:15 and we got out at 11:25. Too scared to get caught drunk or whatever her reason was she didn't bother going inside and asking at what time our movie finished. After the movie we waited a few minutes before calling to know if she was on her way but she started yelling at me, calling me names, saying I was lying over and over, called me a little bullshitter, and a liar. She didn't even let me explain that  and apologize for getting the time wrong. She just kept yelling and calling me names so I hung up figured once she would cool down a bit she'd come and get us. By midnight she wasn't there yet so I tried to call her again but having no money I had to do a collect call. She didn't accept it and I know she picked up because I could hear the operator asking if she wanted to accept the call and she said NO. (and my father pays the phone bill)

I was 13 in a big city stuck outside after the movies closed and its after midnight where any number of bad things could of happened to us, two young girls alone in a deserted parking lot during the weekend. Which is very hypocritical of her since in my post No Rules Until Dad Gets Mad I explain how she kept worrying my dad with all the bad things that could of happened to me when I didn't come home one night. She kept repeating herself until my dad lost it, he was so far gone when I got home things got ugly. Such a hypocrite she was ready to leave us there all night. Why make a big deal of the dangers that can happen to us one day and leave us out in the cold the next. She didn't even have the decency to wake up my father who was home in bed because he had to work early to tell him she planned on leaving me outside all night and that I was stuck at the movies instead she just kept sitting at the kitchen table and drinking alone. I really really wonder how people can do such mean down right cruel things, to children none the less. Again I believe just like in part 1 of The Evil Step Mother she left me stranded because she was mad at my Dad. I know my dad would of came and got us no problem he wasn't drunk but again like the first time she didn't feel it necessary to let the father of the child know that his child was stranded when she was the one who was suppose to pick his child up. You would think my dad would leave the bitch by now but Noooo. I guess the safety of his child wasn't as important as that crazy ...................  <--- Fill it in with the meanest word you can think of.

The only other person that we could actually call was my step sister grandmother, my step mother's mother. So we tried to call over and over again but my Step mother had called there first and told her daughter that lived there to put the phone off the hook so the grandmother wouldn't be disturbed. Its bad enough she wasn't picking us up but she had to make sure we didn't get any help, she honestly planned out making us sleep outside. Those were her exact words when one of her drinking (drug) buddy called her and asked if she was going to come pick us up. Well passed 1 in the morning her friend, feeling bad for us, came to picked us up with her husband and give us a ride home. She had to stop at her sisters first so we didn't get home until close to 2 am and by that time my step mother was extremely drunk which meant volatile and violent. When I walked in she started screaming inches from my face that I was a fucking liar and she knew I never went to the movies when the whole time all I wanted to do is show her my movie ticket to prove to her that I really went. She kept screaming literally inches from my face that it was all my fault until she finally shoved me hard. I think that's when my dad showed up because he had gotten woken up and told me to go to my room. I knew she needed to calm down so I went to my room while my dad talked to her but she kept screaming she wanted me and my step sister in different rooms.

I didn't see her for the rest of the night so I'm not sure how everything went once I got to my room. My dad came and talk to me not long after I was in there and asked me what was going on so I told him and showed him the ticket. My dad believed me right away and he said he was sorry for the way she was acting towards me. I think he even called her crazy and some other stuff. I never felt at home since my dad moved in with her so after all that I didn't want to be left alone there with her. I asked my dad to leave with him when he left for work and he said sure. I was going to go trucking with him like I had before but when he woke me up as he leaving he asked me if I could stay because I had school and whatever other excuses he had. He said that she had calmed down.... like that really makes everything oki. I even think he talked about moving out together which gave me hope but as usual it just lead to disappointment. Despite this and so many other occasions where my step mother was terrible I know I should forgive her, not for her but for me. And sometimes when I believe I had, I remember just how bad she treated not just me, but my dad also, and that's when I feel like I haven't really forgave her. I'm not sure Ill ever be able to but I've gotten really good at not thinking about it.

Thanks for listening.

Friday, February 22, 2013

My Addiction Story Summarized

I've taken my most important posts and summarized them to explain my addiction and recovery.

I believe it started when my parents separated.  Being such a daddy's girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn't in my life as much. The insults back and forth between my parents and the pain they were in upset me. It felt like my whole world came crashing down. I felt like I’d been lied to and resented everyone for it, so I started rebelling. It’s a common fact that teenagers rebel but for me it started a bit earlier than. I was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry very easily. I felt like no one understood me and people saw me as being spoiled which didn't help because I felt the opposite of spoiled. Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious, I was really hurt and people didn't seem to notice that. So I started staying out late, smoking cigarettes, hanging out with the wrong people and that was about it for a while.

Living on my own at 15 was like the coolest thing, at the time. It was the hang out spot, old friends admired, new friends multiplied. But they weren't really friends were they. Just more people taking advantage of a spot to hang out while getting high. Although I was actually pretty strict with whom I let come in my place. I was selling at the time and didn't want the attention by having known criminals seen coming out of my place. I had all the drugs I wanted and I felt on top of the world. Not depending on anyone for my next pill or my next line. I had a nice and actually clean place. I felt like I still had control of my life, oh how fast things change. Nothing last forever, as they say. It went from being able to stop and go to bed, to the never ending feeling of wanting more. A debt was accumulated and my selling career was over. Now faced with not having a steady supply to feed my addiction, I realize how much I needed it. My body cries out for more. The aches and pain take over any control I have over my mind.

I started doing Percocets once in a while at 13 years old.  Back before anyone knew what they were in my small town I got my hands on a few. But thankfully I ended up moving to my dad’s before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke when my dad offered me some at 14. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms, what I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount every day. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we would be able to relax and go to bed after a night of doing coke. At that point I couldn't really go without coke but I could go without oxys. Well that’s until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.

Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were too severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. So now that I didn’t have withdrawals anymore it became all about doing coke. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself anymore, so I quit coke for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't as bad because it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.

I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. . I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and accept what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed because I learned to deal with these thoughts and memories that haunted me.

There are some things we need to remember so that we may grow and learn from them. Unfortunately some memories don't have any purpose besides making us feel bad about ourselves. These memories have a tendency to creep up on us when we less expect it. Most of the time it happens to me when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. I start to toss and turn, remembering the awful things I did or awful things that were done to me. I replay it in my head over and over thinking of the things that could have been done differently. These are toxic memories and we all need to find ways to get rid of them and think positive.

What I've learned during my recovery is that when these thoughts happen I have to remember all the things I've accomplished since being sober. This definitely became easier the longer I was sober because I had more things to be proud of as time went on. As soon as I was on the methadone program and had my withdrawals under control I started working towards my high school diploma. I did it by correspondence so I could stay at home and get better but still do something I could be proud of and gave me hope for the future. I believe the only way I was able to get sober without any therapy, rehab or detox was due to the methadone program. Nothing else worked for me before then because my withdrawals would take over any determination I had to stop.

It took me a little over a year to get completely clean after starting methadone. The program only fixed part of the problem. I had to fix my way of thinking on my own and no amount of medication would do that for me. Although I agree therapy would have helped once the withdrawals were gone.  I'm not exactly sure why I never committed to weekly therapy but it might have to do with how terrible I am at keeping appointments. What did help in its place was reading books which did a great deal to take my mind off negative things. Also keeping a journal and having my mom to talk too made a huge difference. I really felt like she understood me and I hardly ever felt judged.

I often wonder if I did the right thing getting on methadone, or if I just took the easy way out. At the time it wasn't even a decision. It kind of just happened. Well not that easy of course but in my mind there wasn't any other possibility. It was either that or keep doing what I was doing to keep the withdrawals away. On way or another I had to keep the pain and withdrawals at bay. I didn't know any other way. I even tried doing a bit less oxys everyday and gradually stop that way, but it didn't work at all. Everything just seemed so futile and hopeless. The more I fucked up in my life by doing stupid things to feed my addiction, the more I wanted to get fucked up to forget about it. A vicious cycle. (Forgiving myself was an essential part of my recovery but that only happened after Id been on methadone for a while.)

So I finally got to see a methadone doctor after months of waiting. It wasn't easy getting an appointment since the doctor was out of town. I had to travel there twice a week for the first couple months and finding a ride wasn't easy. On top of that I had to go to pharmacy every day, freezing wind, pouring rain, cold snow, extreme heat with no car or city buses, I had to find a ride or walk there and back. That doesn't include holidays when their hours were so  short I sometimes didn't make it in time or when I had to leave where ever I was like work or school to go to the pharmacy. The doctor even screwed up sometimes, or sent my prescription out of town on the wrong day, and I didn't get my medication. Those days Id be in incredible pain. I wish someone would have told me what I was getting into. How hard it was going to be to quit methadone or to go without it for even just a day. Even now when I only need to go to pharmacy once a week I still feel trapped.  I can’t go anywhere for more than a week. I've thought of getting away from everything, go work far away for a summer, get to see new places, out of country even, but then I realize how difficult that would be if I'm still on methadone. I've been slowly lowering my methadone hoping to be able to do something adventurous this summer. Hoping is the key word here because I've tried going down before, more than once. What always seems to happen is I go down to fast then my body starts hurting, I can’t sleep and I'm always tired. In short I don't function well, so I give up and return to the same amount of methadone I was originally at before going down.

Now I'm going down slowly and it’s been going ok but there were moments where I didn't feel good and I really thought about going up again. Thankfully, I was able to hold on and not go up again. Instead Id stay at that amount for a while to get use to it. I know if it weren't for methadone I wouldn't even have the state of mind to dream about travelling or to go to school or to even have a life in general so I'm really grateful. I can’t expect it to be easy or to magically get fixed, good things require effort and determination. I have to take the good with the bad and hope that I'm strong enough to get off it eventually. Its ironic how the one thing that freed me is also keeping me trapped, but honestly it could be worst at lease now my minds my own and I have a chance at life.


Thursday, February 21, 2013

Why A Relapse ?

I was going from page to page reading blogs from parents of addicts and I got this idea that maybe I should talk about why I had so many relapses or even went back to active use before actually quitting. It seems like this might benefit people who want to understand why people relapse. I'm sure its very frustrating to have a love one relapse after doing so good for so long or even if it was just a little amount of time. It might make you feel hopeless like they will never get better or make you want to stop trying to help them. If you believe that's the right decision for you then you should definitely do it but for the rest of you maybe this will give you a little bit of hope that all is not lost because of a relapse or even a step back into active use. When their ready to try again and they've learned the lesson they needed from that experience then that time might be the time they stay clean for good, so offering them help might be make a difference in them staying sober. I know it might be hard to look at it every time and think this might be the time they stay sober for good because of all the pass disappointments. But giving them confidence by letting them know you think that this time is the time it will stick might actually help it stick. I know this isn't for everyone and sometimes we have given all we can give and we might want to not take part in it, this time. You have your reason and I respect that. Sometimes what's best for us is to take a step back and just let things happen as they may. This post is more about giving a little hope that all is not lost just because of a relapse.

In my case, it took me a few relapses and even went into active use again before getting sober for good. It wasn't an easy journey that's for sure but I wasn't ready because I still had something to learn from my addiction. My relapses where mostly caused by not knowing how to deal with the pain when something hurtful happened, but not just that, it had to be followed by the perfect opportunity to use. Either by being around it, having easy access to it or being with someone who had easy access to it. The more times this happened the more I realized that using wasn't the answer that it didn't really make things better. That's something I had to learn for myself, doesn't matter how many times I heard it from others. When I'd go to use again, I wouldn't let myself really think about it, Id just do it because the more I thought about it the more I knew I shouldn't do it. It was only once Id actually used that I realized it wasn't as good as I remembered it and the guilt was really unbearable. I felt like I had failed myself. My relapses gave me the ability to stop and really think about it before using. And today I have the strength to take the time to realize that the guilt and the side effects aren't worth it, and that the high isn't as good as I make it out to be.

I relapsed because I wasn't strong enough yet. I built that strength and resolve with every mistake I made. I really had to hit rock bottom in my mind, not in anyone else's mind but mine. I did something that I never thought I'd do and once I crossed that line I knew I was done, that I wouldn't have this life much longer. Don't get me wrong I crossed a lot of lines but that one, that one really hit home for me for some reason. It made me realize just how bad drugs could be, if they could make me do that. It was too big for me to get use to and explain away or just forget. I can't quite explain why that one was worst than the other stupid mistakes but it was. Maybe it was just an accumulation of  the stupid shit I did and its just so happened that this time it was one too many. I guess we all have to find that moment when we realize this really is rock bottom and if we don't change we will lose ourselves forever. The more I relapsed, the more it stuck with me that the high wasn't fun anymore, and it also wasn't about being social and having a good time anymore. It made me understand that their was no controlling my drug use, I was only fooling myself. I relapsed because I still had something to learn and now that I've learned it I'm able to stay sober. Relapsing didn't mean I'd never get sober it just made me a better and stronger person from the lessons learned.


Monday, February 18, 2013

Mental illness: Am I Bipolar ??

Its known that a good majority of people suffering from a mental illnesses suffer alone or might not be aware that their suffering. I've often wondered if I suffer from some kind of mental illness, mostly if I might be bipolar. Its something I'm quite familiar with as my mom was diagnosed as being bipolar when I was in my early teens. But how long had she actually been bipolar before being diagnosed ? I've seen what it did to her and us as a family. I keep telling myself its not like that for me. I don't get irritated or mad at people for no reason and I don't go on shopping sprees but its all so familiar to my current situation. I don't want to be like that, I want to be constant with people, I don't want to hurt or confuse the ones I love. Growing up with it doesn't make me understand it better. And now because I grew up with it I tell myself that's the reason why I think I have it or that I have mood swings. I'm projecting her actions on to me and that I'm not really bipolar. Well it just seems to be causing more doubt then actually helping.

At first I use to think that my mood swings might be a side affect from my drug use. Then I thought it might be something that happens when someone quits drugs and is getting use to sober living. I never wanted to believe that my mood changes were just in my head, because that would mean I had no logical reason to feel the way I felt. I must be sad for a reason, or I don't want to answer my phone because I'm tired or busy, but I am really ? I don't really know and that's the problem. And then sometimes nothing bothers me, I'm positive, laughing and thinking everythings perfect. That's the side everyone sees of course, because that's how I am most of the time and when I am sad I usually don't talk to anyone. If I do I make it quick and tell them I'm tired. And to be honest I really am tired often, I have low energy but then at night I have a hard time sleeping. I blame it on the energy drinks but if I don't drink them I cant get out of bed. Another thing is I rarely hang out with friends anymore. I have good intentions and sometimes make plans but then when that day actually comes I tell myself I'm too tired or I'm uncomfortable and I end up not going. What's weird is that on those rare occasions where I actually do it, I enjoy myself and that doesn't even make it easier the next time.

Whats happening to me ? I can be happy for days the on other days all I want to do is sleep. But their must be another reason for this. Everyone has their off days right. I don't mention this to my mom because honestly I don't think I want an answer. What if I am bipolar, my sadness wont have an importance because it wont be based on anything real. If I argue or I'm emotional about something it will get chalked up to just being bipolar. I really believe that I should be able to control my mood. I want to be happy so I'll be happy. I don't need medication or therapy. I don't have time for therapy anyways, Id never make it to my appointments. I've always been terrible at keeping any kind of appointment. I want to find any other reason possible then being bipolar. My sadness and happy moments aren't as extreme as what people say they should be if I was to be bipolar. I'm like floating around in the middle, so I'm normal, right? Round and Round I go until eventually I stop thinking about for a while. If I actually knew what was going on then I could get help or move on and live with it. I just don't know and the battle between wanting to know and not wanting to know, is making things a lot harder. I need the courage to take the next step, whatever that may be.

I would love any input or comments on this.


Hopefully I'm able to overcome this.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentines Day Recovering Addicts ???

I'm seeing a lot of negativity around this holiday from singles and couples alike. I understand where they are coming from. Expectations or being single on this holiday can make it quite miserable. Some people think its just an excuse for companies to make money and maybe it is but you don't need to spend money to make it a wonderful occasion. For example, last valentines day we made homemade cards which are the best because its personalized and we gave each other a massage before bed, which led to other things of course, haha. We didn't have money and we didn't expect anything except making time to just be together.

Oh but what if your single, what fun is that for you ? Well let me tell you. Since love is the main topic on this day show yourself some love. Do something that makes you happy, something just for you. For me, it would go something like this. Id go tanning and get my nails done, go home eat something delicious, take a bubble bath with candles and rent a good movie or get a good book. And voila, I got the perfect valentines day. Of course what you do for yourself depends on what you like. Make this day about you.

Whether your single or committed you decide how good your day can be. Forget money, expectation or the fact that your single and just have fun.

Love Charmed

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

What Could Of Helped

What could of Helped or Prevented my addiction

Even though I'll never know for sure since everything happens for a reason and maybe it was just meant to be, here's my opinion on the things that could of been done differently to help me. Now I find this topic to be complicated because what works for one person wont necessarily work for the other and I think its important to remember that. Despite this being an issue I believe that knowing how others dealt with their situation can give me an idea of what might work for me. I can take parts of what others did and change it a little to suit my present situation. So instead of just telling you what I think should be done Ill share my experiences with you and what I think could of worked for me and what did work for me at the time.

Well first of all what would of helped is not having my dad offer me drugs and not having him normalize drug use. This made me think that drugs were O.K. and not harmful. Now I know this isn't the norm so lets move on to something a little more general which can apply to the majority. Telling kids the truth about drugs is important and what it really does to people in the long run. Being honest and giving them all the information and not just the part you want is important because it lets them know they can trust you and what your saying. I wish I would of known the truth about drugs back then not just what my dad wanted me to know. On the other hand I had people dictating and telling me never to use drugs which obviously didn't work. What could of been done here to help is explaining their harmful effects while also be open to questions and doubts. The important thing here would of been giving us access to all the information we need to make the right choice on our own because in the end, its exactly that our choice. No one can't make the choice for them no matter how much they want too. Another great thing would be having a good role model available since teenagers often don't want to open up to their parents. We want to find our own identity so while branching out from home we will start looking else where for a role model. That's why making sure we have someone reliable and responsible that we are close too in our lives other than our parents would be very helpful.

Now we all know that having a parent set rules and punishments is a good way to give us structure and discipline. But whats important is doing so in a calm way with out freaking out because we learn from your example to deal with negative situations in a calm and healthy way. Also having someone who's aware of the signs but doesn't constantly doubt me unless having good reason too, would be essential because having confidence in me would give me confidence in myself. We need that confidence in ourselves so we know we can do better. What really helped me after the damage was already done was that compliments and reinforcements didn't stop. I still felt like people thought I really could do better and that help me keep faith in myself. It wasn't always about what I didn't do but what I could do. Also having a stable home where I wasn't always moving back and forth between my parents because I wasn't getting my way with one parent I'd move in with the other parent. And sometimes it was just because I didn't feel at home anymore. If they would of been able to agree on where I should stay and how to raise me, it would of made a big difference. Them not getting along after the separation and telling me how bad the other was out of spite made me lose confidence in my parents. Now that I knew all of the things they had ever did wrong I didn't trust my parents and I didn't respect them anymore which is really bad. A child should always be able to trust and respect their parents and also not be ashamed of them.

Now these are just a few examples but I believe they would of been the most helpful to me. I believe the fact that my mom never gave up on me even though at times she needed her space, had a lot to do with my recovery. And despite my dad not being a responsible parent, he always had confidence in me and gave me lots of compliments. He made me feel like I could accomplish anything from a young age. I believe that its this exact confidence he instilled in me that I drew strength from when I was trying to get sober. I hope this helps someone out there get an idea of some of things that could be done to help. If you have any questions, feel free to comment.


Monday, February 11, 2013

Finding Happiness in Recovery

I know finding happiness can seem difficult for some. It sure was for me, especially after making a mess of my life and feeling like I had nothing to be happy about. Don't get me wrong I'd put a smile on when people were around and I told people I was doing good. No one really wants to hear me complaining about how unhappy I am, so I'd give them the answer they were expecting. I'm doing good.

On most nights I'd go to bed, close my eyes and wish for happiness. That's all I'd asked for, simple right? Not a house, or a car, or a the perfect man, or a different life. All I wanted was to be happy, that's what we should all strive for because without happiness, what is there?

What I really wanted was something to be happy about. Isn't that the mistake most of us make? Wanting something or someone to come along and make us happy. Well that was my big mistake and it even had its part in maintaining my addiction. I would use because I was unhappy with  the circumstances in my life and for the past that I had been given.

What I didn't understand back then was that anything that would make me happy wouldn't last unless I was the one making myself happy. Things come and go, nothings guaranteed, the one thing we can count on is ourselves. We can only truly be happy when we take charge of our own happiness and once we accomplish that we can begin making others happy.

Of course I've been put in some situations that I didn't like, but that will always be unavoidable. Whats up to me is, how long I decide to dwell on it and what I make of it, is all on me, always has been. Its no ones fault but my own if I stay unhappy. Each person has the strength inside them to make their own happiness, they just have to know they are capable of creating it for themselves.

Of course I'm not happy all the time, that's not what I'm saying. What's changed is when I find myself feeling unhappy instead of blaming people or the things in my life, I change my thoughts and my actions because in the end that's all we really have control over. I can either choose to change what I don't like or accept it and be at peace with it.

The essential part of this for me was understanding that accepting it didn't mean having to accept the situation that's making me unhappy, therefore remaining unhappy. It meant that if I decided to accept it then I was truly fine with it which meant it didn't make me that unhappy anymore. If was going to accept it then I might as well find the good in it, the positive and realize that life isn't always easy but the hard parts make us grow and change us in to better people. People who can empathize and sympathize with others, gain knowledge from their hardships and learn to find happiness in the small things and teach others to do so as well.


Sincerely Charmed                                                         

Sunday, February 10, 2013

New Sketches

I've been drawing a lot this pass week and it seems like I'm getting a little obsessed. haha  The time just flies by when I'm drawing. Its hard to describe the feeling I get when I'm drawing especially if it was a challenging drawing (Like the drawing The Me In My Head ). I guess if I had to describe it I'd say its like a peace but not only that, its more like excitement mixed in with a little frustration then finally when its done I feel pride. In a world where I use to have so little to be proud of, its not a feeling I really got accustomed to but its seems that I've taken a liking to it. Nothing makes me prouder then what hard work can accomplish. The Me In My Head sketch was by far the hardest and took the most time but its the one I'm the most proud of. The two sketches before that one were like practice so lots of work went into it.

Polar Bear
Around Christmas 2012

Tinker Bell


Daffy Duck

Sexy Lips

Window to the Soul

The Me In My Head

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Another Disapointment

Last time I talked to my dad he called me to see if I'd come down and go through my stuff like books and clothes that I had stored at his place. He ended up putting all my stuff outside in the frozen garage were bugs, mice, freezing weather and with who knows what else wrecking my stuff, when that wasn't our agreement. It was suppose to be stored in the house but he moved my stuff without asking me and only told me afterwards. What's frustrates me is that I don't asks him for much of anything, the only thing I've asked of my dad in forever is to keep my stuff stored were it can be safe and he can't even do that. Anyways we made plans for him to pick me up on Thursday around 3 pm when he was done work so I could go through my stuff at his place sometime during the weekend. Once I was all packed on Thursday I sat around waiting for my dad and he ended up calling to say he wasn't coming to pick me up until Friday at 3 pm now. Not really surprising but still frustrating. On Friday I was ready and waiting around by 3 but my dad didn't actually come pick me up till 4 and even then he sent his boss to pick me up. I was brought to the office so we could leave in the transport since he couldn't bring the transport through town. Once at the office I had to wait for my dad to get there and then I had to wait while my dad had a couple beers, while I just sat there and waited for him to DRIVE ME. Once he finished his last beer he decided he wanted a pill to stay up, so now I had to wait for him to get that. I was just sitting in the office waiting when he left with his boss to go do something else and that's when I almost got left there, which is in the middle of the bush, because when he told  his boss girlfriend that they wasn't coming back to the office and wanted her to meet up with them, he didn't tell her I would need a ride with her to go meet him. This made me feel like a child again where my dad was to busy with his addiction to remember me.

We didn't leave until 7 pm and I didn't get to my mom's until 8 pm. My dad said he was too tired for me to go through my stuff that night and made plans for me to come over Saturday and maybe even have supper with him but then Saturday he also said he was too tired. In the end I didn't even get to go through my stuff which in his mind was the reason I came down in the first place. Although I was also going down to visit my mother and my grandmother, my dad didn't know that and he still didn't seem to care that I didn't get to go through my stuff. This might not seem like a big deal but its a constant problem when it comes to my dad. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't get so frustrated and that what he is doing to me is ok. I'm just over reacting but then I realise I shouldn't have to put up with this. Not to mention that when he was making me wait I told him I really wanted to go or that he could of picked me up when he was ready to go,( instead of making me wait in the office while he got high) and he would tell me: well I work so hard this week, I worked 100 hours, I deserve this beer or to take a break before leaving, you can wait, right. Trying to get pity from me, which he always does with everyone. But you know what: We all work and we all have our own shit to deal with but when I tell someone I'll do something, I do it and I think of others. He's suppose to be my dad and help with my problems like most dads do. He shouldn't be trying to get pity from me with his problems. I would like to hear about how his doing if it wasn't all about getting pity from me and its not like he really asks me how my weeks been or if he does, he will tell me how his was worst all the time. I came to terms with not being able to depend on my dad years ago and I'm fine with it but he doesn't need to bring his shit to my door and expect me to pity him for his tough week or life or whatever. His life is His choice and Always has been.


Tuesday, February 05, 2013

The Shock of My Mother Suicide Attempt

Suicide Quote

Wow! What a heavy subject for me to talk about. I've been trying to avoid this topic for many reasons, but I think it's finally time I acknowledge it, understand how it affected me and let it go. The summer after 9th grade I was enrolled in summer school because I had stopped going to school about half way through my second semester. But after the first day I really didn't want to go to summer school anymore.

On that first day I found out my teacher was a previous junior high teacher that I really didn't get along with. He was always singling me out in religion class because I smoked cigarettes and when I wanted to join the basketball team that he coached he didn't let me pass the try outs because I smoked. He didn't try to help in anyway but made things worst, now that's not a good teacher.

Anyways so the second day I didn't want to go at all but my Mom really wanted me too. So we fought most of the morning until she finally dropped me off at school. We fought often in the morning since we weren't really morning people although she would probably like to think so I left school on my first break to go back home because the teacher was being stupid again trying to make fun of me.

You dont know how strong you are quoteI was almost there when my moms boyfriend passed by me and asked me to get in (that was unusual). I cant really remember what he said to me in car but he must of told me what was going on because when we go to the hospital I jumped out of the car and ran inside looking for my mom. They wouldn't tell me where she was, I felt like no one was telling me anything or maybe I wasn't listening. I was just trying to find my mom.

As soon as the nurse came out of the locked door to the emergency rooms, I ran in. I spotted my mom in the second room, they didn't even have the door shut so I saw her having a seizure, convulsing, eyes rolling in the back of her head, drooling, whoever that was, that definitely wasn't the mom I remembered. I was in utter shock, I was terrified, my mind kinda went blank like I was losing myself, its like my mind locked down and said nooooooo, NO you shouldn't be seeing this.

I turned around to run out but my aunt who had found her stopped me and said see what you did to your mom, this is your fault. WHAT!!?? I didn't even let her respond I ran and ran until I found a phone and called the person I was closest to at the time (the person I still wish I was close too) and asked him to come meet me. Then I only remember running and running and running. That blame stuck with me for a long time, it made me pissed at everyone, all of the time but especially at my aunt and my mom for blaming me.

How ever bad I was before I'd be even worst now, Id give them a reason to blame me. That's when I really stopped caring about what happened to me. Anything I got my hands on I'd do to get high and I was just so very angry. I fought, I yelled, I threw things around or at people. I stopped listening to anyone. I was for a lack of a better word F-ING Pissed. But also at myself for not being a better daughter.


Saturday, February 02, 2013

Mother Daughter Bonding With Drugs

I came down to visit my mom and dad this weekend and got a ride with my dad in his transport. I only live an hour away so it isn't too far but I still don't get to visit as much lately so I was happy I finally committed to coming down for a weekend. And maybe I'll get a bit of laundry done at my moms while I'm at it ;) haha... I'm such a kid some times. It took a while to actually get my dad to leave once he got me to the office because he started having a beer. After 2-3 hours we finally left and during the ride we were catching up and laughing because my dad was being silly as usual. Now by the time we got to this little town we were at the halfway point and it got a bit more quiet so I was able to look out the window peacefully  That's when I saw the Liquor Store on the right and remembered how a few years back when I was in that parking lot for the first time with my mom trying to cash a bank check to an account with no money in it so we could get pills. Its was like 20 minutes out of town so we didn't know anyone there. They didn't cash our check so we went to a grocery a little farther off the highway in to the town and got a check cash. We went straight back home to get some pills. Its funny how this memory doesn't make me sad but instead I see as a good memory because its time spent bonding with my mom. We bonded lots when we were both on pills its one of the things that I missed the most being sober. Its like we had this common goal and understood each other completely but most of all it was our secret, something only we shared. I'd like to proudly say we are both completely off oxys now and I don't think I could of did it with out her. I got her into pills and she got me out, she truly is amazing. I love you Mom.