Sunday, December 30, 2012

What Never Fails

I would like to start by apologizing for not posting as much these pass few days. I usually post everyday but that might not always be possible once I start school next week so Ill try and post at lease every second day if not everyday. Since I've caught a cold and my minds a lil fuzzy at the moment I might be posting only every second day, depending on how I feel. Here's an update for now until I get my mind to co-operate. Hope you enjoy, I know we all get sick so we can all relate.

Now that's said, here's what I wanted to share. It never fails, every winter I get sick at lease once. Most years I get unlucky enough to get sick during the holidays but at lease this year I was lucky enough not to get sick during Christmas. I would rather be sick close to New Years then close to Christmas. I want to be in good spirits to visit family during Christmas. Also since I don't like drinking that much so I don't usually do much for New Years. Although I like to stay up and do the count down and listen to music at home. Still i rather of gotten sick now so I can get better before school starts on January 7th. I enjoy school too much to miss the first day of a new semester and my new classes. Psychology woooo hoooo!

My cold consist of a soar throat, a stuffed nose, a dull ear ache, an occasional headache, and soar heavy muscles. I've been taking ibuprofen  Tylenol cold and flu, and some cold fx which have been helping a great deal so far. I also have some gingerale and some chicken noodle soup, all thanks to my hubby. I cant believe how expensive it was for the medication and stuff. I already had gravol in my purse but I haven't needed it. I always carry gravol with me every where because I get car sick really fast especially on bouncy city buses going to school.

What Ill probably end up doing for New Years is cuddle up beside my hubby on the couch (or in bed) with some hot chocolate (sounds good especially since I'm sick), and either watch some movies or play some need for speed on the Xbox 360 kinect I got him for his birthday and Christmas combined (his bday on the 8th) or, my favorite idea, Ill get lost in a book on my new E-reader.
Hope you all have a Happy New Year!
To New Beginnings.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Recovering Doesnt Mean Forgetting

If only forgetting was easy.
For most of us being able to move on doesn't mean forgetting. Their are some things we need to remember so that we may grow and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately some memories don't have any purpose besides making us feel bad about ourselves. These memories have a tendency to creep up on us when we less expect it. Most of the time it happens to me when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. I start to toss and turn, remembering the awful things i did or awful things that were done to me. I replay it in my head over and over thinking of what could of been done differently. These are toxic memories and we all need to find ways to get rid of them and think positive.

What I've learned during my recovery is that when these thoughts happen I have to remember all the things I've accomplished since being sober. This definitely became easier the longer I was sober because I had more things to be proud of as time went on. As soon as I  was on the methadone program and had my withdrawals under control I started working towards my high school diploma. I did it by correspondence so I could stay at home and get better but still do something I could be proud of and gave me hope for the future. I believe the only way i was able to get sober without any therapy, rehab or detox was due to the methadone program. Nothing else work for me before then because my withdrawals would take over any determination I had to stop.

It took me a lil over a year to get completely clean after starting methadone. The program only fixed part of the problem. I had to fix my way of thinking on my own and no amount of medication would do that for me. Although I agree therapy would of helped once the withdrawals were gone. I'm not exactly sure why I never committed to weekly therapy but it might have to do with how terrible I am at keeping appointments. What did help in its place was reading books which did a great deal to take my mind off negative things. Also keeping a journal and having my mom to talk too made a huge difference. I really felt like she understood me and I hardly ever felt judged. What was most surprising of all, to me, was my decision to turn to God. I had never been one to go to church or even think of him but in my time of need he was a great support. His words were comforting.


Thursday, December 27, 2012

Hitting Rock Bottom and Digging Some More

Living on my own at 15 was like the coolest thing, at the time. It was the hang out spot, old friends admired, new friends multiplied. But they weren't really friends were they. Just more people taking advantage of a spot to hang out while getting high. Although I was actually pretty strict with who I let come in my place. I was selling at the time and didn't want the attention by having known criminals seen coming out of my place. I had all the drugs I wanted and I felt on top of the world. Not depending on anyone for my next pill or my next line. I had a nice and actually clean place. I felt like I still had control of my life, oh how fast things change. Nothing last forever, as they say. It went from being able to stop and go to bed, to the never ending feeling of wanting more. A debt was accumulated and my selling career was over. Now faced with not having a steady supply to feed my addiction, I realize how much I needed it. My body cries out for more. The aches and pain take over any control I have over my mind.


PS. I found a very good written post about addiction by a fellow blogger, take a look. Real insight.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

When Drugs Mattered More than Christmas

There was a time when I saw Christmas as just a source of money to buy more drugs. Nothing else mattered and I can only imagined how that hurt the people in my life. Its not like my addiction was a secret, often an addiction becomes a family affair and therefore affects everyone around you. Although it was known, that didn't mean its was easily talked about. Its hard to mention a problem that has no obvious solution in sight, it tends to bring great despair. The hopeless feeling that it brings, not being able to make that person better, no matter how much we want it.  All the people I must of hurt has me appreciating them even more today for putting up with me. I forgot how to love the small things. Its like I was completely oblivious to everything besides my need for another pill. I missed out on soo much and now I try to make up for it everyday. I make sure to notice the small things that bring me such joy. I remember my first winter sober, one morning I woke up and saw the sticky snow outside and got the incredible urge to go build a snowman, for the first time in I don't know how long.

I understand now what I was putting them through. Since I got sober 4 years ago I'm now in their position, having a father that is an addict and wishing he wasn't. Being disappointed and hurt. Its funny that no matter how many times I get disappointed I still have hope that next time will be different and then I'm disappointed all over again. What bothers me the most is that  although its Christmas, its very hard for me to bring myself to go see him because he isn't sober. Especially during Christmas he tends to drink a lot and stays up for a couple days. So I haven't seen him yet this Christmas. I texted him today to exchange gifts, well giving the gift I got him but got no response and later found out he had finally passed out. All for the better I guess since he works tomorrow but that means I probably won't see him. I guess I could of went and seen him  yesterday but when I got a call from him a few days ago, I could tell he had been drinking and I knew that probably meant he would be up for a couple days as usual. When he's drinking, our conversation tends to be about how bad his problems are and how people "screw" him over. He wants me to take pity and help him with something but what am I to do, I'm the child, I can barely take care of myself. I might be 4 years sober but it takes a lifetime to recover from an addiction. I'm trying to fix my life, learn how to be independent and make it through college. I can't be taking care of someone else right now. I wish I could call him with my problems instead of the other way around. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at listening to someone problems and give advice. I just don't want to be made to feel guilty or responsible when I shouldn't be.

Sincerely, Charmed

Monday, December 24, 2012

Having an Addict as a Parent

Despite having a parent that does drugs regularly, I love them very much...

I believe that timing had a lot to do with me trying harder drugs. When I found out I was still at that age where I still wanted to do everything my parents did. Which probably had a huge impact on my escalation to harder drugs. To add to that, I heard every reason why its not bad, because, of course, my father felt like he had to justify himself. So I heard it all; its just for fun, its normal it comes from plants (coca plant), its only on weekends, I deserve it I work hard, everyone does it even high class business men and politicians.... The never ending reason why it was OK for him to do it but to me these were all the reasons why it was fine if I tried it.

So there I was, doing my first line, life was one big party, and all was fun. After a weekend of "partying", when I was hitting the "downer" I found myself sitting there and thinking I got to get out of here. So that's exactly what I did. I packed my things and moved out on my own, miles away. What I didn't realize was that at that point it was too late, I was hooked. I wasn't more than a day in my new place before I ran into some people I knew from childhood who now also "partied". And there I was doing it all over again.


How Addiction Happened to Me

Addictions usually start when some problem or hurt happens in someones life. For me, I believe it started when my parents separated.  Being such a daddy's girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn't in my life as much.Their were the insults back and forth between my parents and the pain they were in upset me. It felt like my whole world came crashing down. I felt like Id been lied to and resented everyone for it, so I started rebelling. Its a common fact that teenagers rebel but for me it started a bit earlier than. I  was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry very easily. I felt like no one understood me and people saw me as being spoiled which didn't help because I felt the opposite of spoiled. Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious, I was really hurt and people didn't seem to notice that. So I started staying out late, smoking cigarettes, hanging out with the wrong people and that was about it for a while.

Around the same time all of this was happening I found out my dad was doing drugs, my hero, the one person I looked up to. Which got me thinking "drugs are normal, their not a big deal, everyone's doing it, even parents". With that in mind, around the age of 12-13 I started smoking pot with my dads girlfriend. It might seem horrible, but I was so angry and hanging out with the wrong people, it was bound to happen even if parents weren't involved. The way things were going it was probably only a matter of time before I would of started smoking it but I'll never know for sure. Escalating from pot to harder drugs is very common, and for me, it was only a matter of time.

Stay tuned for my next post on the Escalation of my addiction.
Ill also think about what could of been done to help and share it with you.


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Through the Eyes of A Recovering Addict.

There I said it... I have been debating since the very moment I thought about creating this Blog how I'd approach this subject. And here it is. I'm a former Narcotic Addict and I would like to help people understand what that means. This subject is not easy for many people to talk about but hopefully through this Blog they might learn to understand that it happens, were not bad people, we can get better and we can become better people because of it. I want to help people be more comfortable dealing with the Addicts or Recovering Addicts in their life by answering questions and giving my experiences as some kind of reference point, if they need an idea of what its all about.

Ill be posting later in the day about when and how it all got started

Link to the Following Post:
How it Happened to me

Sincerely Charmed

Link to The Intro:
lA little about me and my blog

Saturday, December 22, 2012

T'is The Season

My Top 10 Reasons For Loving this Holiday Season

Getting to be with Family
The New Beginnings 
The Spirit in the Air
The Laughter
Tasting all the Amazing Food
The Giving and Receiving
The Hunt for the Perfect Gift
Christmas Trees and Lights
Cooking Lots of Goodies
Decorating and Wrapping

What are your favorite things about the Holidays?

Oh! I have to say though, the one thing I don't like so far this year is some of the Christmas Music I've been hearing. Which is surprising because I like all kinds of music and I remember when the Christmas Music was good and uplifting. It seems this year I haven't heard any good Christmas music but that's probably because the local radio station hasn't been picking very good songs.

On another note, I got my sketch pad today and was about to start drawing soon. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to find a good sketch pad in this little town but Ill make do with what I have for now. Ill get a good one in the city when I get home after the holidays. Now I'm on the hunt for inspiration.

First Sketch.... I know right... I need practice  lol

I've enjoyed finally being at my moms but I find the most difficult thing I've had to do this Christmas is decide who to spend it with. I knew where I should go but that didn't stop my heart from yearning to be with the one I love. Its weird how you can be happy and sad all at once. After only a few hours at my moms I became restless and knew I had to do something. I finally decided to call him and ask (beg) him to come down to my mothers for Christmas. It just wouldn't be the same with out him. He said he would try and make the trip. I really hope he makes it for Christmas.

Have you ever had to make this decision ? What would you do?

Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

My Recovery Hobby: Handmade Crystal Healing Trees

~Great Mother & Daughter Project~

My mother taught me how to make these trees years ago when she first got started. I remember when the first one sold and she gave me the money I felt like i had truly accomplished something. I was excited about the money (specially at 13 with no job) but I truly enjoyed making them with my mom. We had found "our thing".

The different semi precious gems that were used to make the trees have different healing properties. They can heal spiritually as well as physically, some of them can help with negativity or insomnia. Its really pretty amazing. I know the one i have has helped with my dreams. At the moment my mom is selling the following trees locally. They make a great Christmas Gift or for any Holiday.


Ill look into adding what healing properties these trees have.

Animal Cruelty: Make a difference

Of all the causes in the world, the one which is the closest to my heart would be Animal Cruelty. So pretty much anything that has to do with helping animals big or small from terrible situations. This cause is important to me, more than others, because animals do not have the ability to change their lives like humans do and they are never responsible for the cruel treatment they get. They are innocent in every sense of the word. We often as people think about cats and dogs when we hear about animal cruelty but that is definitely not the only animals that suffer this cruelty. All animals are wonderful gifts and should be cherished. The loyalty that they give so freely to their caretakers is one true sign of the good in this world. Now most of us eat meat and often with out thinking about it twice. But awareness of where our food is coming from and the condition in which it was raised is critical to the understanding of how wide spread this issue exist. I will not deny it I eat meat and I do not see myself stopping anytime soon, like most of us. My goal here, is to encourage people to eat less meat and to find good alternatives, that are just as tasty. But whats really important is to choose our meat wisely, so that we do not support farms that treat their animals poorly. The following video explains how every piece of meat we decide not to eat, saves one more animal from cruelty!

Please click on the link below to watch a very real issue in our communities.

This holiday season, I Vow to make a change in my life by eating an alternative to meat when ever possible and raise awareness on animal cruelty. The more people that make this change the bigger the difference we can make, its starts with just one person at a time. Take the Vow and make a difference.

 ~More change~ 

Tis the season to donate, For those of you who want another way to make a difference please go to ASPCA DONATE 

Every little amount is appreciated. ASPCA is a great organization because they rescue not only cats or dogs but all kinds of farm animals from abuse and negligence but even donating to your local shelter is a great way to support the cause. And for those of you cant afford a donation at this time there are other great options to show you care. 
You can foster an animal for the holidays. 
You can give some of your time and attention at a local shelter.
For more information: Look up shelters in your area. 
What change will you make?
Stay tuned for more info on puppy mills, dog fighting, and much more.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

 Sincerly, ~Charmed~

*~A little About Me & My Blog~*

Before writing anything else I thought a proper introduction was in order.

I believe whole heartily that the experiences in our life makes us who we are. The good, the bad, the amazing, the worst and everything in between. Ill be posting about some of the issues life has to offer and how I approach them (hopefully in a positive way). But not just that, I want to talk about the little things that make our lives worth living, the happy moments we treasure in our hearts forever.
But before all that I need to be clear on some things.
  1. I DO NOT claim that my spelling or my structure will be perfect. ( To be honest, it probably sucks ) ...   =P
  2. I DO NOT expect for everyone to like my blog ( If you dont, then dont read it, simple)
  3. I WILL NOT always make sense, to the contrary I might seem crazy at times.
  4. If YOU got nothing good to say then don't say it... move on
  5. I'm just human, I have feelings and I'm sensitive.
  6. I'm mostly doing this blog for myself and my family.
Ok.. GREAT! So now that I got that out of the way ;) Lets talk a bit about me...
I'm a 23 yeard old college student who's trying something new by blogging. My time is mostly spent on school, family, relationships and trying new things to help me grow as a person. I LOVE SCHOOL.. too the surprise of many... I know right who knew... I always have but their was a time where people had doubts for a while. Who can blame them, so did I. My teen years were by far the craziest but there isn't much I would change. My stupid choices actually brought me and my mom closer together and she is my NUMBER ONE BEST FRIEND. She's is very selfless and her love is the kind that heals. I know me being close to my mom is probably nothing out of the ordinary but my mom is extraordinary. She has done amazing things for me and those things are done by only the extra special kind of mothers.

Oh and Books,  Books was the diversion that helped me move on from some of my worst mistakes. The feeling of getting lost in a book and becoming someone who you could never be in reality. The stories that inspire a change within our hearts. Its one of the greatest feeling life has to offer. My love for books started as soon as I was able to read, I was one of the only kids in my class that looked forward to library time in school. But it seems as everything I knew changed and then as I started my teen years, my love for books was forgotten. Until my very smart and loving mother bought me 3 books for my 18th birthday. It was a strange feeling, I hadn't been around books or been given a book in a very long time. And with the help of my mother I rediscovered books all over again. A moment I look back on and think of where I'd be if she hadn't chose to buy those books for my birthday. Well I definitely wouldn't be here writing this blog, now would I.

That's it for now have a good night everyone.