Thursday, May 30, 2013

Drug Free I Finally Notice the Seasons Changing

I believe this is the first spring that I've actually taken the time to notice every little change that this seasons brings. Its even more noticeable in the north where we had such a severe winter. Everyday I would look at the tree in my yard and wait for the leaves to appear little by little. I remember leaving for a weekend and  when I came back it seemed like the tree had grown double if not triple the leaves. I was in awe of these simple leaves growing anew so beautifully every spring. I would also so watch the grass and the plants grow near my house and it seemed like almost overnight they got really tall despite my watchful eye, their growth surprised me.

Every spring I get this immense joy that anything can happen and that great adventures are in my near future. This spring the sensation of excitement and hope are even more prominent then I can remember. I believe having not seen the sun or any of the summer last year has given me a new found appreciation for the wonderful thing that is mother nature. Last summer I worked night shifts from 9:30 pm to 5:30 am which means I slept during daylight for the whole summer. I haven't done any camping or anything adventurous in at lease 4 summers which has given me this extreme determination to make the most of this summer. I definitely do not want to spend my whole summer inside again. 

I just recently got a part time job for the summer because I wanted all the extra time to make the most of my summer despite not having a lot of money I decide to make my priorities different this summer. I've already made plans to enjoy my first fire this weekend, I'm even getting marshmallows. Were going to make a BBQ and have a fire later in the evening. I've also made plans and booked time off the go camping at the end of July with my Mom. I want to hear the waves on the beach and looked at the stars in the sky and I sincerely hope I get to go camping more than once or at lease once more with my boyfriend this summer. My best friend and I also talked about going for a road trip to an amusement park 4-5 hours away. I know that almost every summer I say I want to do all these things but end up not doing it. No matter this summer will be different and I'm already taking action to make sure of that.

The job I got had me a little worried at first but all seems to be going well for now except for not even getting 10 hours this week. Like I know I wanted part time but, wow, 10 hours is just ridiculous. I wanted between 16 and 20 hours but at lease 15 hours. They seemed pretty up tight and strict at first and I kept hearing the same thing from people who had worked at this corner store. They tend to fire people a lot and they say that they won't ever give the person a reason. They also have a lot of rules about personal appearances that I don't really tend to agree with. For example, no visible piercing and no visible tattoos so I have to take mine out and cover my tattoo before every shift. Also my hair has to stay a natural color and I can’t have two different colors in my hair. But whatever I can deal with all that, a job is a job and money is money.

The one thing that’s really bothering me is that they don’t give breaks unless you work more then 5 hours and funny things is they hardly ever put you down on the schedule for more then 5 hours at a time. Oh but hear this, we always have to be there 15 minutes early and we almost always leave 10-15 minutes late which means technically were working more then 5 hours. Oh and because I'm new I have to do all the shitty work, which I think is just crazy at a corner store. Usually tasks are separated equally among the workers, its like that every where else I've worked in the sales industry. I'd understand if it was a corporate office or something of the like but a corner store, its just weird and kinda unfair in my opinion, and probably why they have such a hard time keeping employees. But that could also have to do with the fact that it’s in the worst part of town near where I live so its supposedly gets robbed a lot. Anyways I think I’m going to keep dropping resumes anyways and see if I can’t get a backup plan in case it don’t work out there. 

Despite the job situation I'm still so excited for this summer. I just know it going to be a good summer. I'm enjoying the beautiful weather and the fresh air. I'm enjoying taking walks despite having hurt my ankle really bad 3 weeks ago. It's getting better but not as much as I would of thought after 3 weeks and I know I should probably stay off it but I can't stay inside with this nice weather and I have to be on my feet the whole time I'm at work. Sometimes the pains wakes me up at night so hopefully it gets better soon. I'm really looking forward to that fire and BBQ this weekend. 

Have a great weekend and a great summer everyone!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A Recovering Addicts Fear of Change

I'm re-posting this because I find the topic important. Hope you enjoy!

I watched the movie Eat Pray Love tonight and it definitely became one of my all time favorites  It made me think of how much we struggle to hold on to our present situation, it being good or bad makes no difference. All we want is to stay in the safety of the familiar even if it makes us unhappy. Its funny how all this is usually about wanting to be safe but in wanting to be safe we put ourselves in danger of being unhappy. 

How easy t is to stay in the constant rather than move on to the unknown. The fear of being alone, of the unknown or of failing can paralyses us to stay exactly where we are and we don't even realize it. As miserable as it makes us we rather stay in the familiar. Our fear of change can be of either our relationship status (which is the case for me), or of moving, changing jobs, having kids, growing up. This never ending list keeps us trapped and unable to grow and experience the wonders that could be.

Even knowing this, I'm still here, in a relationship where I'm more unhappy than happy lately. I am so very good at fooling myself into believing that everything is ok. But the truth is, it hasn't been ok in a very long time. How so very tired I am of giving my everything and being left with nothing. I don't like thinking about this because I'm a usually a happy positive person and this makes me sad. 

How very strongly I struggle to stay exactly where I am, as irrational as it may be. I'd like to make a promise to myself here and now that I'll make the change. But I've made this promise to myself so many times before and I've lost hope of a follow through on my part. I haven't been single since I was 14 years old and I just don't know how to be alone anymore. If I had friends near me I believe it would really help because I need people around me even if it's not every day. 
Making new friends just isn't the same because they don't really know me, they don't know the hard things I've been through, how big my heart is, how sensitive I am even if I don't show it. If they don't know this then I feel like I need to constantly explain myself. And I wouldn't ask of anyone who hasn't been a long time friend to be a support system if I hadn't had the chance to be there for them in the past.

I've been trying to find myself these last couple months, taking joy in the time I have alone, exploring the different things that make me happy like drawing, blogging or reading. I've been focusing on my strengths and make myself constantly remember them so that I may find courage to work on my weaknesses. I've also been trying to keep in contact with the people around me instead of ignoring everyone's calls. I've come to realize just how much friends can be a great support in times of need. 

When the fear of change finds its way to me I can find strength to go on from the people around me. Making me regret that I've pushed people away this long for fear that they just wouldn't understand me or that they would ask too much of me. I think that if I can get a good support system I'll be able to be single if that's what I have to do. All this is still a work in progress but I'm hoping I can be strong enough one day to do what needs to be done.


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Being a People Pleaser Leads to Addiction??

Being a people pleaser comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. I used to think that I wasn't a people pleaser because I didn't please people all the time but I just recently realized that theirs a lot more to it than that.

What's a People Pleaser

It's about worrying what others think and watching what you do all the time so you don't offend anyone. It's also avoiding situations where you might want to say no because you don't feel comfortable saying no. It's about feeling bad and replaying a conflict you had with someone over and over in your head. It's also about doing things that we really don't want to do just because we know if we didn't it might upset someone. Not being able to take criticism or being hurt easily is another sign that you might be a people pleaser.

All these situations are based in some way or another on wanting to please people. So I came to realize that just because I don't feel like I'm always pleasing people doesn't mean I'm not a self-destructive people pleaser. Worrying or simply thinking that you don't always please people can be another sign that your a people pleaser. 

Is Being a People Pleaser a Bad Thing

Some people might say being a people pleaser is a good thing because you're selfless. Or some would even say that you couldn't possibly be a people pleaser because you didn't care when you were addicted. You definitely didn't try to please anyone while you were doing anything to get your next fix.

Well let me assure those people that being a people pleaser never goes away even during addiction. It's just numb during that time and for me this was one of the reason why I wanted to stay high. I just couldn't deal with all the displeasing I had done while high and it was easier to just stay high. Getting high was a relief because I could be who I wanted and do what I wanted without worrying about what others thought.

To those who think that being that being a people pleaser is a good thing because its selfless let me assure you that it isn't. We will go to any limits to please someone even to the detriment of our own happiness and safety. We aren't strong enough to have boundaries and in my case this led me to trying drugs and getting addicted. Nothing good about that. Being a people pleaser played an important part in the reason I got addicted and I imagine this to be the case for many addicts.

Why Do People Worry About Pleasing

I always doubted that this might be from a lack of confidence but I thought that because I was popular, I socialized a lot and make friends easy that I didn't really have a lack of self confidence. Its only recently that I've truly come to accept that I lacked self confidence. I always knew it on some level but never truly accepted it until now.

Self-confidence issues can be hidden very well and it's different from person to person. I always had this image in my head that having a lack of self-confidence had to mean that I was shy, didn't like my appearance or didn't have many friends. Even thought I didn't think I was any of those things I realized I really didn't like displeasing people, not even a little bit. That's until I was too high to care.

As a teenager, I always wanted to please my friends, but I had a big mouth and would portray this tough girl persona so no one really suspected that I was a people pleaser or a pushover. And before it could even really become noticeable I was already addicted so being a people pleaser was put on the back burner.

Does Being a People Pleaser Lead to Addiction

Although being a people pleaser probably lead me to getting addicted. For example, I did coke for the first time to be accepted and please my father. I wanted to be closer to him so when he offered I took it. Also  I smoked weed to be accepted by friends. Isn't that the case for many addicts? Peer pressure. I think self confidence building workshops in high school should be mandatory.

Now that I'm sober being a people pleaser has become an issue again. I worry about what others think and I avoid situations where I might want to say no. I'm easily hurt by criticism and get very defensive. Not pleasing the ones I care about all the time hurts me and it makes me sad. I've also noticed that I do more to please certain people and not as much for the people I would like to do more for and deserve more. I'm missing out on a lot by being this way so I really want to take some steps to build some self-confidence and not be a self-destructive people pleaser anymore.

Some Tips to Find Balance:

On Wiki How they say to "Start small by finding something small to say "no" to, and say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it! You'll be surprised, the world will not collapse around your ears! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing." We can also ask for time to think about it that way we don't feel put on the spot and we actually have time to evaluate if we really should be doing what there asking.  It's easier with time and as we realize people can be reasonable towards our desires. Then we might be able to start to voicing our desires on other things besides saying  no.

Also do something for yourself that you really want but were afraid others might not like, I think we might exaggerate what other people's opinions would be. Chances are if they matter they will respect your decision. Wiki How says: "Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people's opinions are a factor in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor." Once we do something for ourselves it becomes easier to do a second and a third (like saying no).

Another important thing to do is examine our fears. Write it down and make a list. Are they realistic? Are they truly terrible? Try and determine the cause of these fears as well. We might be afraid that no one will like us, that someone will leave us, or that we will be left all alone if we don't say the right thing. Once the fears are laid out in front of us its becomes easier to realize they aren't realistic which is a step towards overcoming them.

Figure out ahead of time before people ask you for something what is acceptable to do for others and what is unacceptable? Being able to analyze this factor allows you to measure what can be done for others and what shouldn't be done for others in a much more objective manner. Wiki How says "Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries."

In Conclusion

Although these ideas are helpful I believe it doesn't address the root cause of the problem which is a lack of self-confidence. I'm working on another post dedicated to working on self-confidence and not worrying about pleasing people all the time. Finding that balance and not define our worth on what we do for others and what others think of us.


PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Guest Post: In the begining

So here I am, sitting in front of this computer, about to tell the rotten tale of addiction that has been my life. I'm in my early 30's, been an addict for more than 15 yrs. You know how it goes, smoking dope and drinking turns drinking, smoking dope and eating mushrooms turns to ...blahblahblah... turns to isolated, miserable, angry, ashamed...addicted.

For me it started around 14, you know stealing beers off the old man, sneaking out at night, screwing around, being a punk. At that age everything’s new, an adventure, and me...well I'm adventurous. And so began the cycle of abuse. Pretty much did whatever I could get my hands on, other than oxy and heroin. And the only reason for that is I don’t like needles and I watched lots of people I respected lose everything including their lives, in some cases to those damn oxy's. I have a daughter. I can’t die, is what I'd tell myself. Honestly, I probably shouldn't be here ,the crazy bullshit that goes on when you're living the fast life from running around town at 5 am all drunk looking for another bag of blow, to waking up in some apartment not knowing where my truck is or whose place I'm at. Just remembering some of that shit gives me chills.

You know, at the time I didn’t care about repercussions, who I hurt or what I was doing. It was all about me, the selfishness of the party lifestyle. I couldn't see it, probably didn’t want to see it, right?
I had been through several long term relationships, all of which came to an end because of my drug and alcohol problems. I'd get fucked up and do or say stupid shit. I'll spare the details, pure embarrassment, and the kind of things people see and just shake their heads. I'm shaking my head right now, writing this. I hate that I can't take back a lot of things I've said/done, especially to women. Don’t get me wrong, No physical stuff, ever. Regardless...asshole type shit!  And I'm not that guy, but the years have shown me when I've consumed enough chemicals, I can be.

I'm finding my guilt is fuel for the fire that is my sobriety. I think the "fun" disappeared about 7-8 years ago. I slowly I became more and more miserable. My temper at work was out of control, co-workers didn’t want to work with me, or around me. I became a loose cannon. No patience whatsoever. It might have had something to do with getting only 2-3 hours of sleep night after night, drinking a 26-er of vodka and doing a couple grams of blow. At home too, family started telling me, "you’re looking rough" or "you should get some sleep". Ya ya, thanks for giving me a great excuse to lock my door turn my phone off and get tuned up again. You know how it goes. It starts to feel like you’re not yourself unless you're numb.

I started to think I couldn’t change. Even right now I'm so unsure about the future. The things I've been through and seen. Wow. All bad. I'm so sick of being sick and tired. I know this is a popular saying in rehab world, but it’s just so fitting for where I'm at right now. I went to detox a bit ago for 3 days, it was very difficult, but they gave me some ideas on how to stay clean. I'm hoping to get into an inpatient facility, I'm sure I need it. Just waiting for a call and hoping that I don’t slip. I’m trying to keep busy. I'm far from perfect, to say the least. I'm hoping I can find a real person in me if I can beat this thing, I think there was someone/something here before...years ago. I put myself here, in this hole. Hopefully I can dig my way out.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Guest Post: Depression & Addiction

This is a Guest Post from a wonderful strong woman in her 40s who would like to remain anonymous  This post really shows how depression can lead to addiction and how addiction can make depression worst after a while.

As a teenager I struggled with depression, not knowing it at the time I was very confused. I was the youngest of 9 kids. This was back in 1979 when I first swallowed a full bottle of pain medication only to wake up throwing up and not telling anyone about it. Not too long after, at the age of 19 I met my future husband, who in my mind was exactly what I needed. He had access to wonderful drugs and my ticket out of depression. My marriage lasted 12 years and we had 2 children together. After all the partying and depression I still managed to raise my kids with good morals, self respect and confidence. I am very proud of my children but not of myself as much. Needless to say I self medicated to try to fix myself. To fix the unhappiness I felt. I finally got some help at 33 and was put on the anti depressant Paxil. Thats when I took time off work and separated from my now ex husband.

I was clean from drugs for a good 5 years and had my third child before I relapsed. A year of postpartum depression got me into drugs again. I had been heavy into drugs for about 4 months when I had my second suicide attempt. After that I got into therapy for about 2 years and managed to leave my second failed relationship with the father of my third child. I also got on the methadone program for 5 and a half years and eventually with the help of my doctor I was able to ween myself off methadone. It took me 3 attempts to finally get off and my third attempt was successful because I dropped my dosage by 2 mg each week for a year and a half. In the end, for the last 2 months I got daily migraines, for which the doctor prescribed both Tylenol and Ibuprofen  It will be a year at the end of May 2013 that I've been off methadone and off my anti depressants that I had been on for 13 years. I'm very proud of it!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Alternative Addiction Recovery Programs

I worked very hard researching for this post and it took me a couple days to finish but as promised I'm ready to explain 2 of the different alternatives I had mentioned in my recent post We Need More Alternatives To 12 Step Programs. They were all great and different in their own way and I think that's important because we are all different. 
Options are important as I've mentioned in my other post because no one should be denied recovery.

 It would be a shame if someone were to be trapped in the never ending cycle of addiction just because they don't know about the alternatives or don't have the right program (for them) offered to them. I honestly believe that it took me way longer to get sober because the right program wasn't available to me. It would of been so much easier on me and saved a lot of time and heartache if I would of had something like SMART offered to me but I didn't so I had to do it the hard way without a program. 

We need to truly believe in the program we are working to recover, so forcing the wrong program on someone is pointless. Therefore, I hope by giving a brief description and my opinion on the programs will help others in search of recovery get an idea of what might work best for them and what else is out there. This is to help people find the right recovery program. 

I'll start with the SMART Recovery Program which stands for  Self-Management And Recovery Training. This program teaches us self-empowering tools based on scientific research to quit any addictive behaviors. You can find the power point Intro to SMART here. I love this program because its based on Self Empowerment which is something I fully believe in, and all that is needed is a want to stop the addictive behavior that is troubling you. 

None of that you need to abstain from everything, even sometimes your medication from your doctor. Its all about learning the coping skills necessary to address the thoughts and behaviors that lead to using. Theirs nothing religious about the program whatsoever, which makes me more comfortable with my recovery process.

 I like that this program isn't meant to be permanent because they believe people can fully recover so you can stay with the program only as long as you think you need it. SMART lets you build your own recovery with their tools like worksheets, power points and readings which are all based on their 4 point program. And they also have the support needed to help with your recovery thanks to the face-to-face meetings around the world, the daily online meetings, the online message board and the 24/7 chat room which are also all excellent places to learn about the program as well as getting support. SMART offers tools and techniques for each of the 4 points in the program:
  1. Building and Maintaining Motivation
  2. Coping with Urges
  3. Managing Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors 
  4. Living a Balanced Life
I haven't been able to find the free version of the SMART handbook which talk about the 4 points so we have to pay for it at their bookstore but I know if I was an addict I wouldn't have the money to buy anything so I found other great material they offer such as articles and essays, forums and a blog. I found the blog was good for motivation and information on how to change. There is also more stuff once you register like the tool chest and the chat room

You can start pretty much with any tool in the tool chest since you create your own recovery with the help of the tools available but many people start by reading the power point for the Cost Benefit tool (CBA) with the cost and benefit worksheet. I also suggest reading the power points such as SMART ABC Tutorial and going to the forums and the chat rooms to get more information and support. I think this program is wonderful and the best for me so I'll probably try it out myself on my addictive habit of drinking caffeine. 

I love that their program works for any addictive behavior like smoking or caffeine. You only need to want to stop any one of your addictive behavior to join the program and you can do it all online, no need to leave home. Although I found it a little confusing at first not knowing exactly where to start. Hopefully this info will make it a little bit easier for you to get started. My finale advice is read all you can, it helps a great deal with motivation and the whole recovery process by giving you useful information.

Next is The Life Ring which is a none religious-secular recovery program that believes that addicts have a sober self  and an addict self who are in conflict with each other and can be easily influenced by other people's sober or addict self which is why meetings are so important. They say meetings empower your sober self so you have to keep attending meetings which means this program is meant to be permanent and can not be done completely online. Life Ring is based on their 3 "S" philosophy, Sobriety, Secularity, and Self-Help.

Sobriety: The basic membership requirement is a desire to remain abstinent from alcohol and “drugs.” They say: "Please look elsewhere for support if your intention is to keep drinking or using, but not so much, or to stop drinking but continue using, or stop using but continue drinking." Their motto is “we do not drink or use, no matter what.” 

Secularity: Life Ring Recovery welcomes people of all faiths and none.  You get to keep whatever religious beliefs you have, and you are under no pressure to acquire any if you don’t. Life Ring supports recovery methods that rely on human efforts rather than on divine intervention.

Self-Help: Self-help in Life Ring means that the key to recovery is the individual’s own motivation and effort. The main purpose of the group process (meetings) is to reinforce the individual’s own inner strivings to stay clean and sober. Life Ring is a permanent workshop where individuals can build their own Personal Recovery Plans.

The Life Ring book that you would really needed to buy so you can start using the program is the workbook called Recovery By Choice. This workbook provides a structure for the recovering person to build an abstinence based recovery plan that matches his or her particular problems and needs. Fortunately, they also have an area online called the Toolbox  with some information on the tools used to get sober that people have shared but there wasn't that much information there so you would indeed need the workbook. 

Thankfully, the Life Ring also have a BlogForums and Keepers which are stories of people using the Life Ring. They also provide Online Support such as chat rooms, Group Emails and a social network called Ning. The Life Ring also holds International Meetings which is great because face to face meetings is the most important tool for the Life Ring Recovery Program.

Hope this Helps 

PS: If I was misinformed about any of these recovery programs, please let me know, thanks

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's day is such a special day, I'm not a mom myself but I know how much mothers are important in our world and how often they go unappreciated when we are children. They are the foundation of our humanity, the rock and glue that holds us up and keeps us together. I'm so happy I got to come down and visit my mom this weekend. I had really missed her and hadn't seen her in over a month. She isn't just my mother she's my best friend and we share this amazing bond. A bond that has grown by leaps and bounds throughout my addiction and recovery. After everything we went through together and having her by my side through it all. The dedication and strength she had to help me get better is just amazing and I don't think she even realizes how great she really is. I can tell her all my secrets and she always has the best advice. She's there when I need her even when I don't ask. She's always thinking of her children and puts them first. Her big heart knows no bounds. She's selfless and strong. She's my mother and I love her. Since I don't have any money this Mother's day I wanted to dedicate a post just for her. Sharing one of my fondest memories of her and a poem I wrote for her.

One Of My Fondest Memory:

One summer about 4-5 years ago we decided to go camping together, something we hadn't done in a very long time. It was an all girls camping trip with two of my aunts who were also camping with us. I remember sharing a tent and cooking on the fire, playing cards late into the night. We had the best time and I was so happy. I had all of my mother attention because none of my brothers or our boyfriends were there. It’s a memory I cherish and hold close to my heart. I'm always hoping we can make a similar memory in the near future. I have brought it up a couple summers in a row now so hopefully we will go this summer just the two of us. I really miss the bonding time we had camping but any time spent with my mom is cherished. I'm so lucky to have such a great mom.

Poem: Dear MOM

You always come to help me 
You always want to be there for me
Even when you shouldn't be able
Your love is truly unconditional

You never gave up on me
When everyone said let it be
You stood by me through it all
Picked me up when I would fall

Thanks to your love and patience 
I have finally found my confidence
I turned out great to everyone dismay
You taught me to be the woman I am today

For all of that and more I have to say
I love you more every single day
You’re not just my mom, you’re my best friend
And you will be in my heart till the very end

Thank You Mom for all that you are to me.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Photo Album: The Perfect Way to Get Stuck in the Past

Photo Albums. We all have them but how many of us actually look through them? And how often? Does it bring a good feeling or does it bring longing for a moment that has long past us? Should we even look through them? They say not to get caught up in your past, but then why do we have photo albums? These are the questions that went through my mind when I found a couple old photo albums late one night. It’s hard to describe the feeling I got when I was going through the albums that contain my memories.

I find myself thinking, how can I compete with that. Are my best days already past? Sometimes I see the possibilities missed, other times I long for that confident girl who always had fun. Always I wish that my present would be as worth remembering as those moments in my past. When I look into that past I realize just how much I'm wasting my present by not making the most of it. Too damaged to take the risks needed to make it all worthwhile.

My addiction has made me weary and cautious. I have become a shadow of myself. I felt like I had lost myself along the way and that I desperately need to find that girl again. Recovery has been great, way better than even the best day of my addiction but I’m human and I’m still learning to not be scared of taking chances. This isn’t always easy because part of my recovery was to avoid taking chances and I’m still learning the balance between the chances worth taking and the ones to avoid.

 I’m realizing that I won’t always know what situation I’m getting into when it comes to meeting new people and going new places but that’s a chance I need to take if I am to make friends and become more confident like I was in the photos. Having friends is important because what are memories without friends to share them. Recovery doesn’t come without its challenges, something recovering addicts know well.

Finally last weekend brought me a little bit of hope that I might do more with my life than just staying at home and going to school or work. Since its way easier to meet new people when you’re with a friend I'm hoping getting together with an old friend will bring more fun into my life. Don't get me wrong I do a lot of things that make me happy but they are things I do by myself. I feel like I need to get out and socialize. There’s something important and special about bonding with others that can’t be found alone at home.

Like last weekend when I spent time with my long time best friend who I hadn’t seen in a very long time. That reminded me how important friends are and how much I missed her. I just really hope there's a lot more of those good times ahead especially with summer almost here it’s the perfect time to make new memories. I just have to push myself out of my comfort zone and try not to let my past addiction make me wary of new situations or being out with people. I won’t always know what I’m in for, but I need to take chances if I’m to make the rest of my life the best of my life.


PS: This was also published on the Challenging Addiction Blog

Sunday, May 05, 2013

Poem: Addiction How We Came To This

Unequipped to deal with it all,
When we met I was bound to fall,
Monkey see, Monkey do,
My parents taught me to fall for u,

Young, naive and carefree,
My whole life ahead of me,
Did I ever have a chance,
Against your captivating trance,

Promises of forgotten pain,
And to never be alone again,
Your lies were too tempting,
Without skills of reasoning,

How could I know better,
With parents who never,
Their reasoning in defense,

Friday, May 03, 2013

My Life On Pain Killers

I know I've talked about my addiction to Pain Killers before but this video explains more about the day to day life when I was addicted. I used to snort Oxycontin daily and could not function with out them. I got addicted at a young age and I even had perks prescribed to me pretty easily for my tooth. Its hard for someone who isn't an addict to understand the pain we addicts are in and how our minds are literally unable to think about anything else until we get our fix. It comes to the point where its not even about the high anymore we just want to function without pain. I would wake up and not be able to think, eat, or even get out of bed without a pill. I was in the worst physical pain I had ever been in. It was just a continuous, none stop, nagging pain deep in my bones and muscles. It felt like torture. The emotional pain which is soo terrible also comes back ten time worst but its nothing compared to the physical pain. All of the pain was unbearable and I don't know what I would of done with out methadone. At lease now that I've been able to learn the coping skills necessary to stop using because I've had time to think without pain. Something I could of never done before. And now that I'm better of spirit and mind I can work towards slowly getting off methadone with the supervision and help of a doctor.


Thursday, May 02, 2013

Poem Alone In Your Presence

All alone in your presence.

Did you notice my style
Do you see me smile
I seek your attention
Your love, your passion

Your right here beside me
But I'm still so alone, you see
Doesn't matter that your there
When you don't seem to care

I've been on my own
Always all alone
When its all said and done
Its a relationship for one

Your actions betray your words
For it can't be love that your in
And if it isn't love that you've found
Then why keep me around