Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Poem: The Love of A Soulmate

In my heart forever will you stay,

Ever since that Christmas Day,
For the first time ever, I saw my forever,
Something we could build together.

Looking into a crowd and you’re all I see,

Nobody but you means this much to me,
The love you show me everyday
Keeps all the fear and pain away

All because I have found myself in you,

All of what I am I see mirrored in you,
It seems we have always been connected,
Waiting for our bodies and souls to be united.

Every time we are together,

It’s from one extreme to the other,
Our love and passion is so intense,
Gives me a feeling of time in suspense.

Our minds are linked by invisible ties,

That when I look into your eyes,
The whole world disappears,
No doubt, no fear.


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Who Would of Thought An Addict Could Get This Far?!

I often put myself down like I'm not good enough and I forget how amazing I really am. This is something that affects so many aspects of my life. I tend to get hurt easily by others criticisms and I cant openly admit anything negative about myself without it impacting my self esteem in a bad way. So let this be a reminder to myself of just how far I've come. Their are times where I still catch myself in awe of how much my life has changed in the last 5 years and this really helps me realize I'm not a nobody but that I am a strong independent survivor.

This is a list of stuff I've gone through and made it on the other side since getting sober and doesn't include all the shit I went through that drove me to drug abuse in the first place. I've been sober over 6 years, well I think, I don't really keep track of that anymore. Anyways after I got sober I got a part time job to afford my own place again, I went back to high school and graduated with an 85% average and then got accepted to all the universities I had applied to. As amazing as that was that meant I was going to be alone for the first time and although I had moved out when I was 15 for a couple years before moving back to my moms, I had never truly been alone. My boyfriend had been with me ever since I had moved out at 15. We were together for 6 years, imagine that but we ended up growing a part, just like that. Lovers one day strangers the next. Well at least that how it feels. I decided to quit drugs and got sober but he didn't and then lied about it, after so much of trying to help him and stick it through I kinda gave up and became distant. Leaving for university meant I was going to be alone for the very first time and that really terrified me. All on my own in a new city, the idea was absolutely terrifying, but I did it. I made the choice and followed through with it. I made it all on my own and it was so liberating. It boosted my confidence and proved to myself and everyone else that ever doubted me that I could make it and that I DID!

After 8 months of being on my own I met someone who I ended up spending 3 years with. The damaged he caused to my confidence ran deep. He made me feel like I couldn't make it without him and I couldn't see a life beyond him. I thought I'd never ever have the strength to leave him. I had tried more than once but I always ended up going back. After trying to leave a couple times and it not working I had finally given up on that idea completely when I reconnected with an old friend at Christmas. All the while thinking that although this man was amazing and perfect for me I doubted I could really leave my boyfriend. I just couldn't see myself living without him. It wasn't just about not wanting to be alone anymore (I had the opportunity to not be alone and be with someone else plenty of times), I was emotionally invested and I knew leaving him would really hurt and it ended up hurting more then I thought it would. But I did it, I packed my stuff and left. I made the plans to go through with it and although I kept thinking I'd back out any minute, I didn't. I stayed strong and followed my instincts. The pain afterwards was almost unbearable and it took an enormous amount of strength to deal with and not go back.

Also when I found out I was pregnant I got really scared that I'd have to give up on my dreams. I was scared of my life changing in ways I wasn't really ready for. I had just moved in with that old friend I had reconnected with (and absolutely fallen in love with) and I needed time to grieve my past relationship, adjust and rebuild my new relationship (still kinda do need those things). I needed, and still need, stability. I was so worried about losing everything I had invested in my education, all the money and the time. It was a pretty significant amount but I pulled my big girl pants on and decided to face the situation head on (well not without some groaning and moaning on my part, lol). I sat down and figured a way to make my education work with this unexpected surprise on the way. Not to mention that after I got over the fear of losing things that were important to me at the time I got pretty excited when I realized exactly what I was gaining. Now I even have this fierce determination to protect and give this child the best life possible, its not so much about me anymore. Its weird how my way of thinking changed all of a sudden and I can only just imagine how much more that feeling is going to set in once my baby is actually born. Its hard and scary but I'm making it work because I'm strong, determined, resourceful and caring. So this will all work out, I'll make sure of it!

I would also like to add that all these accomplishments wouldn't of been possible without the support from the people closest to me. It made all the difference and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart <3<3<3


Friday, April 04, 2014

The Unexpected Surprise! I'm Pregnant!

I didn't see this one coming that's for sure. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me being pregnant. I would have said no way, not possible, I have to finish my last year of university first. I thought I was being careful but in the heat of the moment when I thought I couldn't possibly ovulating 2 days after my period ended so we slipped and boom I'm pregnant from just that one time. It's true it only takes that one time. We’re guessing the baby was conceived between the 24th to the 26th of February, and the first day of my last period was on the 18th of February. I'm happy it’s with someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I know he will make an amazing father. We were already planning on getting married right after my graduation in the summer of 2015 and having kids shortly after that. It just happened a little sooner than anticipated which will be hard on my schooling but hopefully still doable. Finishing my school is really important to me since I've already spent four years in university and racked up a pretty big debt I got a lot invested in finishing. Thankfully my hubby doesn't mind finding a job that will give him the hours he needs to be at home while I'm at school or taking parental leave.

Even though this was a pretty big unexpected surprise that we weren't ready for, when I took the first test a little early, 2-3 days after my expected period, and it turned out negative I was a little disappointed. Although relieved because I knew this wouldn't be the right time I still longed for a family. It’s something I wanted and I suppose that's probably the reason we weren't as careful as we could have been. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason. When the second test turned positive I was sitting in the bathroom and a big smile came across my face. Trying to hold the smile back I walk up to my hubby with the straightest face I could muster up and handed him the pee stick he had just went and bought for me. I couldn't believe how happy he was, like I knew he wanted a family with me but we have only been together since January. I can't believe how fast things are moving and I think that's a major reason why I'm nervous and a little scared. I'm happy, nervous, scared, excited, and anxious and all these other emotions combined. I've been so emotional lately I feel extra sensitive and things hurt me easily. I'm also easily irritated and bitchy. I believe and hope that the hormones are the reason with have been arguing more lately. It's so stressful and scares me all the more. I don't want a child around all this arguing so I really hope this is just a phase.

Well I got referred to an OBGYN by my methadone doctor and he is sending me to get blood work done sometime next week. I was going down on my meth but started feeling really sick this past week so went back up again to the dose I was originally at. As for the baby, he is due Nov 26th and we think it might be a boy but either way we want both so it doesn't really matter. We have picked Ethan for a boy and Autumn or Alexis for a girl. I can't wait to go for the ultra sound but that's not for another couple weeks since I'm only 6 weeks pregnant. My mom bought me a pregnancy journal that I've already started filling out and we told quite a few people already which has me a little worried because anything can happen in the first 3 months. The stresses about money that I blogged about, aren't helping both because he isn’t working yet and my student loans are all gone. Plus the fact that we have over 1000$ in bills kind of has me freaking out. So I'm hoping I sell a couple of the healing trees I made on eBay and make some extra money. I am working all weekend, Friday to Monday, not sure how that's going to be on the body especially with the methadone not being adjusted to what I needed at yet. I feel nauseous and tired often. Well I hope all goes well and things get better. Fingers crossed.