Thursday, January 31, 2013


I've always had a difficult time prioritizing my life even before my addiction but now that I'm better I thinks its time I really try working on it. 

I find time goes by way too fast, no matter what I'm doing and even knowing this I always think I'll have more time. I end up doing what I really want to do instead of what needs to be done. This especially damaging now that I'm in school since I have to make the due dates for essays and exams. I always leave everything to the last minute and so far I've managed it but recently I've realized that if I don't start prioritizing I'm going to fall behind maybe even fail. So I've decided to shape up, starting with doing all the homework daily instead of pushing it all off to the weekend. So far I've done two school projects, I've washed my floors, went through my clothes to give stuff away, I folded them and put them away. This was a bigger task then most can imagine since I have a lot of clothes from years and years of hoarding them. A lot doesn't fit anymore but the ones I'm really attached to I don't give away hoping one day I'll fit in it again. (Not such a good idea) I put my first posters up on my wall (I've been here over a year). I still need to organize my closet and library, and I still have a lot of homework but I'm off to a good start. I hope I can keep it up. There's just so many different things I wish I had the time to do or start doing, like my sketching, my blogging, meditation, start writing poems again, learn more about crystals and spirituality, and of course reading. The list goes on and on, I remember when I use to be so bored all the time and now a days I can't spare a second being bored. The world just has so much to offer. If I didn't have to sleep, I wouldn't,  unless I wanted to get lost in a dream, that's fun too.


Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Meditation: When Nothing Else Works in Recovery

Most addicts don't like being alone with their thoughts and that's why we use drugs. 

We want to suppress them at all cost but that means the problem never goes away. Its always just below the surface ready to come out again as soon as we let our guard down. One great thing about recovering is being able to deal with my thoughts even when their unpleasant. Now since I wanted to talk about something a bit more positive I decided to share my recent discovery into meditation. I know that Ill be writing about my past some more soon (since writing it down helps me understand it better) but for today I thought meditation would be fun. Meditation is about clearing your thoughts and only focusing on your breathing but as some of you might know that's not always easy. Its easy to get distracted and since we're not focused on a specific thought sometimes this gives the chance for negative thoughts or memories to come to the surface. I found that when this happens I quickly acknowledge the negative memory and then focus back on my breathing. Eventually the memory isn't associated with as much negativity but the relax state I was in when the memory occurred. If its something that's in the past and can't be change then the thought doesn't come back as often since I'm kind of at peace with it now. If it's something I haven't really dealt with yet then after the meditation I feel more sure of myself and what I should do about it. This is my experience so far and I'm sure it wont always be the same for me or anyone else. I haven't been doing it very long because I use to feel like I didn't have enough time for it. But one things for sure it helps me focus and reduce my stress. I'll definitely keep trying to find time to do it and if anyone wants updates on how its been going just leave a comment.

Here's a good meditation video

Hope you like,

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Addiction Recovery Hobby: Drawing

Last one got deleted so I'm re-posting this with a few extra sketches.
Sketching has been a kind of therapy for me. Its helped me rediscover myself through art after having known only addiction for so long.

This is the first one I did around Christmas time. 

Reflection 23/12/12

Trying out my new drawing pencils

Slowly Practicing 21/01/13

I had a Million Things on my mind

Busy Mind 21/02/13

Every Tree (person) needs its roots (place, person or hobby) that helps them grow.

Roots 24/01/13

I have a lot of Betty Boot stuff so I figured I owed her a sketch. :)

Betty Boop 28/01/13

Bored in class... 
I know, I know, I should of been listening...
But if I didn't keep busy I would of to passed out.

Mixed Flowers 29/01/13

I just started learning about Shadow Work and decided to sketch this to express my Shadow.
If you want to know a bit more on shadow work, (its interesting so far)
Here's the link of the video I watched.

Shadow Self 29/01/13

Mickey Mouse 29/01/13


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Bias Opinion

No Addiction Is The Same From One Person To The Other.

What if both parents are addicts but one of them (let's call them M) doesn't let it affect their life and their relationship with you, they keep their word, their there for you when you need them etc. And the other (let's call them D) is controlled by their addiction, they can stay up for days at a time, miss important moments, their not dependable, they don't keep their promises and they to often only care about their problems, etc. Am I delusional for believing that parent M has their addiction under control and I shouldn't worry about it too much. Its difficult for me to tell this parent what their doing is wrong and that they should stop since I was an addict myself, it would make me feel like a hypocrite. I often find myself not knowing what to say to them.   I find myself feeling frustrated with parent D while I'm fine with parent M and can often pretend like their not an addict (until I see clear emotional evidence when they lose patience or get angry fast). That can't be right, holding one responsible for their addiction while letting the other one off the hook. But then I guess I see it as parent D is letting themselves be controlled by their addiction, (I should know that no one lets themselves be controlled by their addiction) his isn't trying hard enough or doesn't care enough, when really I should be thinking that they're the ones who need more help. Funny things is I was more like parent D during my addiction so why can't I find more patience for them. I don't understand these feelings and I don't know what to do to help them or myself with these situation.

Sincerely Charmed

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Drug of Choice

One addiction often leads to another. 

The first time I did cocaine I was 14 years old and I got addicted pretty fast. As for oxycotin, it was more of a sneaky addiction. At 13 years old, back before anyone knew what they really were, I got my hands on a few percocets. I did them once in a while when they were available to me and I  happen moved to my dads before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke and started getting addicted. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms because I knew I'd be better taken care of, their be food and quiet home to relax in, not like when I was at my dads. What I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount everyday. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we be able to relax and go to bed after we were done doing coke for the night. At that point I couldn't go with out coke but I could go without oxys, that's until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.

Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were to severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. At first it was all about doing coke since I didn't have any more withdrawals for oxys. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself any more, so I quit for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't at bad because  it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.

I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and  except what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed.


Saturday, January 19, 2013

No Rules Until Dad Gets Mad

How Drugs and Addiction can exaggerate emotions.

Living with my dad there were barely any rules and partying was cool. So that's what I grew up thinking and as a teenager I thought I was lucky to have such a cool dad. I often did what I wanted without any repercussions. I got to smoke, drink, get piercings, date, have parties, sleepovers... But my dads girlfriend kids had more rules which I wasn't really accustomed to so I didn't really bother knowing them, I just kept doing what I usually did. Her oldest daughter was a couple months younger then me and we often did things together. One summer we started hanging out with these two guys who were best friends which led to us dating them. I had a major crush on one of them for a while so when it turned out he had a crush on me too it was kinda perfect since we would get to all hang out together. My boyfriend sold weed and magic mushrooms so it was always available, it was fun and harmless (so I thought).

One day they boys decided they wanted to show us a hunting cabin in the woods so off we went walking towards the cabin, not knowing how far it really was. And  2-3 hours later we finally arrive, tired and far from any phone, all we wanted to do was rest for a while. (I don't think they had cell phones back then) After resting for a few hours we realized we wouldn't make it back before it got dark. So we decided we should spend the night and leave early in the morning. (What a mistake that was). We had no idea how much our parents would freak out. Usually we would tell them where we were and everything was fine. But this time we didn't have a way to contact them so we thought they would understand that. Big mistake on our part trust me. The next morning the first thing we did was go to the nearest phone, which was still like 1 hour to 1 hour and 1/2 away from home. Our parents were furious, and even more so because they hadn't slept in a couple days since they had been partying when we left. I know my dad usually wouldn't of been that mad especially after I explained every thing to him. Unfortunatly by that point his girlfriend had been adding fuel to the fire for hours. Repeating over and over again, oh they might be dead, kidnapped, and other crazy stuff. (She was so toxic) At that point their was no reasoning with him. I told them where we were and that we were still over an hour away walking distance. I guess we were kind of hoping they would come and get us so we wouldnt have to walk. I figure if they were that worried they would come get us right away. To our surprise they told us to walk and hung up on us. (Yep definitely HIGH) We didn't look forward to the walk but I told my step sister that at lease they will have time to calm down. What a fool I was, I was just giving my crazy step mother more time to add fuel to the fire.

By the time we got there my dad was so angry that the second I step inside the house he grabbed me and by the neck and lifted me clear off the ground. He held me there and choked me until I couldn't breath and almost passed out (Not to mention I have severe asthma). Since they had called the cops the night before they had to tell them I was back home and the cop had to come over and check up on us. When the cop saw how angry my dad was and the red marks on my neck he asked if my dad had hurt me, I couldn't answer. My dad was like daring me to say something and I was so terrified of what he would try to do to the cop or to me. I never said anything and the cop left looking at me with regretful eyes. After he left I went to my room hoping it would stop there but it didn`t. My dad came up to our (me and my step sisters) room and started hitting me with pillows and screaming slut at me. I ran downstairs trying to get away but his girlfriend grab the back of my shirt collar and I fell backwards. Once I got back up my dad was already down stairs so I ran back upstairs and climb out my window before he had the chance to follow me. I hid behind the house for hours hoping they wouldnt find me. Eventually everything calmed down but I still had to walk around with black and blue fingerprints on my neck for weeks after as a reminder.

I know it was wrong not coming back home that night but I don't think I deserved that treatment. I truly believe my step mother had it out for me, my step sister didn't get a hand raised against her and I'm glad. I wouldn't want  that to happen to anyone. I know my father has to take part of the blame but my step mother did so many crazy things to me (but that's for another post) that I cant help but think she made everything worst. What I really didn't understand back then was why were they so mad that time. Sometimes it was oki not a big deal and other times it was the end of the world. Its not like I had any specific rules we had to obey. I guess it was more of a day to day thing depending on how the drugs affected their emotions and mind.


Friday, January 18, 2013

Addiction Runs In The Family

Addiction: It runs in the family or should I say it RUINS the family. 

I think its a well known fact that children of addicts are more likely to become addicts themselves. For those of us living with it we know theirs much more to it then that. Theirs the constant struggle between balancing the love we have for our parents and not becoming like them. This is not a one time fact but a life long challenge. Especially at a young age when we haven't yet started forming our own identity. In my case, I know having a parent who struggled with addiction had a strong impact on the choices I made, but they were just that my choices. I wont put all the blame on circumstances because that would take away the power I have to make the right decisions today. If I kept blaming circumstances then I would use that as a the perfect excuse to keep using. Despite that I would still like to look at the circumstances that had the biggest impact on my decisions.

After fighting like crazy with my mother so she would let me move with my father, I actually got to spend time with him. He would bring me to the movies, the book store, the restaurant, just me and him. He would bring me every where with him on his time off. Its some of the best times I had with my dad even if he was partying a lot. I idolized my father and before my parents separated I went every where with him also. But then he met his girlfriend and everything changed. The weekends that we usually spent together became their time together and he started making less and less time for us to spend together alone. If he did she would get mad and make him think it was about something else. She got jealous but she hid it from him. I didn't need all his time I just wanted some alone time like we use to have once in a while. It got even worst when we moved in with her. It got to the point where he couldn't even give me money without her getting mad. She made sure he would spend all his money on drugs by having some for him before he even got home from work. She knew once he started he wouldn't stop. 

She started smoking weed with me but not with her own kids that were my age. Her kids were too good for that even if they wanted to smoke. Protecting them but not me. Eventually I realized that the only way to get quality time with my father was to start doing what he was doing. So once he offered I started doing coke with him. I finally started having more time with my dad even if we weren't alone I was happy. I wasn't yet addicted since I was only doing it on weekends when my dad was home from work. He was gone trucking during the week. But then his girlfriend started offering me some during the week, asking me not to tell my dad what she was doing. She even kept me home from school but made her kids go. Again I believe she was protecting her kids but throwing me to the wolves, so to speak. And from there things started going from bad to worst.


Here another blog of a Child of an addict

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

What If Addiction Had Never Trapped Me

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a couple tears running down my cheeks as if running to escape my mind. Running away from the unsettling feelings my dream had caused. The possibility of a change of fate and its consequences had me feeling uneasy. A lesson my mind saw fit to teach me even if it would hurt me. Tough Love, they call it. I was left with the certainty that what happens to us during our life happens to us and not someone else for a reason. I shouldn't dwell on what could have been because I believe the universe has a way of balancing itself and if not to me then to whom would my hardships and burdens be given too. Also I've been thinking if they weren't meant to have those particular challenges in their life time then chances are this person wouldn't have been born with the specific abilities or skills to overcome them. Well I can definitely say that this dream had me reflecting on a lot of life's deeper meanings.

The dream is a bit blurry now but I remember the important part of the dream that had affected me. In this dream I was back in my late teens and this time I didn't know the life of addiction. You could say, I was a well-rounded person with goals and lots of love for my family. It’s seemed like I took on the life my brother had (my oldest brother who is 3 years younger than me) and he had mine. We’ll definitely the part of my life that included addiction and a lot of sadness. In other words it’s like our lives had been switched. In this dream, we were at my mom's just like when we were teenagers and my brother looking like he was 13 again was drinking and doing harder drugs. Not trying to hide it, I could tell he was under the influence. He had that jaded look in his eyes, the one I remember having myself. He seemed to have this air of sadness surrounding him but he was trying to hide it. I think I only knew because, although in that life I didn't know addiction and that kind of sadness, somewhere in my mind I still remembered. It’s like I felt his struggle, knowing it all too well. Something told me that my brother wasn't going to beat it (it really wasn't his to beat); he wasn't going to get better. My heart broke so hard; I couldn't stand seeing him hurting and sad. And that's when I knew. I'd do it over again a million times if it would keep him from having that kind of life. My dream was telling me that if I hadn't been an addict, if my brother hadn't seen what it did to me, how destructive it was, or if my dad hadn't had me to turn to, he might of turned to my brother (my dad thought me about drugs and eventually offered me some), my brother would of been an addict. It was like this entire realization hit me at once and I just had to walk up to my brother and wrap my arms around him really tight. And that's when I felt the tears running down my cheeks and woke up.

Most of people are probably thinking it was just a dream, nothing to it, nothing to worry about. Or maybe my unconsciousness was trying to make sense of why these hardships happened to me. I believe it’s much more than that. To start, if it really was my unconsciousness giving me an explanation to why it happened to me, than it had to of chosen my brother being spared as the explanation because my love for my brother was probably one of the only explanation that would put my heart and mind at ease. Also this dream made me realize that no matter how bad it was. I'd still be willingly to do it again for my brother. I don't believe I've had a dream as meaningful as this one before. I can most definitely say that this dream contained an important message. As sad as it was, once I reflected upon the meaning an inner peace overcame me.

To Dream, A Dream,
Our Inner Most Secrets Our Revealed
The Secrets We Keep Even From Ourselves


Sunday, January 13, 2013

We Cant Help Who We Love

We cant help who we love, sometimes its just fate.
Despite all the issues we face as a couple there's no denying I feel very strongly about him. Theirs good and theirs bad in almost every relationship. So in this post Ill try and focus on the good. I know that I don't want to be with him because I don't want to be alone. I've had plenty of chances to date someone else, its not that at all. I do love him, truly or I wouldn't be there. I often go out of my way to make him happy and I never really did that in any other relationship. He goes out of his way to make me happy even if he complains. He cares and he there when I need him. We all have our faults, god knows I got mine. But he makes me happy and that's what counts even if its not all the time. Nothings perfect all the time. He also understands what I've been through since were both recovering addicts and we both have childhood issues. Were also both on methadone and were both clean. If nothing else I know his clean (not like my last relationship). We had both been clean and single for a while. We had also both been in a long and serious relationship that didn't end well.

The way we met was like fate.
We both didn't take the city bus very often and when we did it was rarely at the same time. We also weren't very often downtown near the bus station but two days in a row we ran into each other. I remember it like it was yesterday. The first day we met I was waiting for the bus after going to see the doctor when he came up to me out of no where and asked for the time. (Back then it didn't occur to me that he had a cell phone with the time, he was obviously trying to start a conversation, I still blush when I think about it today). Well that's how our conversation started. I don't know what came over me but I couldn't stop talking. I talked about school and how I couldn't wait to start working so I could take care of my family (my parents and brothers). He listened and asked questions like he was actually interested. ( I really miss that, he doesn't seem that interested anymore). Then I got off the bus and that was that, I though Id never see him again. (He told me later on he thought about giving me his number but he didn't know how to bring it up.) The next day I was walking back to the bus stop after going to the pharmacy (to pick up my methadone for the week) and he happened to cross in front of me without seeing me. I usually would of been to shy to say Hey but that day it just came out and we started talking while I waited for my bus. We didn't get to talk very long before my bus arrived, having our conversation cut short, he was brave enough to ask me if I wanted his number.

What are the chances of us meeting again the very next day. It wasn't like us to be in town two days in a row and it wasn't like me to open up so fast to someone and keep a conversation going, I'm usually pretty shy at first. It definitely was faith. I remember getting on the bus right after getting his number and wanting to text him right away but something inside me told me to wait. So a little over two weeks later I finally texted him and he asked me out on a date. I kept pushing the day we were suppose to go on the date because I was either to nervous, not sure or busy with school. Finally two weeks later we went on our first date to the movies. I remember he did the cutest thing while we were watching the movie. I turned to look at him because I felt his eyes on me and he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes of course and I thought he was such a gentlemen for asking. And that's when I knew he would get a second date.

Its not like I did it on purpose but I look back on it and realize I was being "hard to get". I didn't make it easy for him but he was really determined. And it was that his very determination to be with me that won me over. It showed me that I was worth the effort to him and nothing compares to that feeling. For the first time I took it slow and everything fell in place perfectly. There's a lot of good in our relationship. I just have a hard time seeing it sometimes. Loving someone is easy its the relationship part that requires work. This relationship has shown me a different part of myself that I didn't know before. It thought me the depth of my qualities and how vast they are. The most difficult situations tested my true capacity to love. Its changed the the way I see things, its not just about me anymore. Love means +1.

If you like this post visit my other blog Learning how 2 Luv @


Saturday, January 12, 2013

Finding Mr. Right

I don't need much to be happy in a relationship. I just need to feel cherished and I'm happy. Some girls need money or status, I just want to be loved. I want to feel special and having someone go out of their way to see me smile is the best compliment in my mind. If I want money or status Ill get it on my own. I don't see this as a lot because its a given for me in a relationship. But to some this is asking too much. I get that making someone feel cherished requires multiple different things. Like not being selfish with that person, being interested in what their doing simply because their doing it, being honest and affectionate, giving true compliments, doing little things to remind the person their special, doing something simply to see the other happy, with out complaining. I do all these things naturally when I'm in a relationship. I treat the person I love the way I want to be treated. So I guess I believe that if someone loves me they should do the same.

I understand that I might not get all those things all the time which is fine. Id be happy with just some of those things some of the time. Am I asking for too much ? Is what I'm asking impossible ? Am I foolish to believe that I might find that someday ?  I believe my biggest problem in finding Mr. Right is that when I finally meet a guy who seems to have these qualities there's always something essential missing. That spark, the connection that makes me attracted to this person. Its nothing specific and its hard to describe but its like the passion is missing. Its always been one or the other. I can never be cherished and have passion. Right now it seems I have lots of passion but I lack feeling important. I know I shouldn't settle for one or the other but I rather have one or the other then none at all.

I don't like being alone and I know that makes me look weak and probably unattractive to most guys but its the truth. I love having someone to share my life with. Being important to someone. Knowing that person chose me over everyone else makes me feel special. Some people might think that because I don't want to be alone that I'm not happy with myself. Which I've thought about but that's just not true, I like getting my alone time and that's why I still live on my own instead of with my boyfriend. I like being independent and doing my own thing but since I moved to go to school I don't have anyone around that I'm close to. So the only intimate interaction I have is in my relationship. Everyone needs at lease one person around that their close too. I believe Ill always want to be in a relationship and I've accepted that even if I don't always like it. I'm just hoping that one day Ill feel both love and passion.


Friday, January 11, 2013

Learning How to Love After Addiction

Learning your role in a relationship is difficult enough all by itself,  add to that a mind that's completely revolving around drugs and learning how to be in a healthy relationship isn't easy. Even the basics get more difficult. In my first relationships I didn't worry very much about making it work, I wasn't very invested in the relationship therefore I wasn't worried if it ended. I was very naive back then, I thought intimacy was the way to go if I wanted to be accepted and that more often then not ended up getting my feelings hurt. I had a hard time saying no and some guys took advantage of that. I'd still manage to say no often but lots of guys still tried, pressuring, asking over and over. Other times I just liked a guy and thought if I slept with him we would be going out together. That didn't work out to well for me either.

When I finally got into a more serious relationship our arguments weren't the usual couple problems, instead they were about drugs or caused by drugs. Consequently I never learned to deal with the regular issues couples face, well not in healthy way, some regular issues came up but they were forgotten or numbed by drugs. We also didn't have too many regular couple arguments since my boyfriend at the time was also too high to argue with me. He rarely fought back when I was angry, he let me win and get my way, he did almost anything I asked, and tried to make me happy. If it weren't for the drugs he would of been as close to perfect a boyfriend as anyone could be. Our relationship lasted 6 years, I was 15 when we met and I was 21 when we parted. My first real love despite the drugs. The last 2 years we were together things started unraveling.

We both decided to quit doing coke to save our relationship and I believe we both did for a while. Then I started doubting he was sober for a lot of reason and when I finally knew for sure he still denied it. Him denying was what really destroyed our relationship. The fact that he couldn't come to me for help or tell me he was struggling really hurt me. We been through so much together he should of said something. I stayed with him for over a year knowing he was still using waiting for him to come clean with me and ask for help or forgiveness. I was still in the early stages of recovery and all this was really hard for me. It seemed like he just gave up but he probably thought the same of me since we stopped sleeping in the same bed when I started to realise he wasn't going to tell me the truth. Despite all this, in the end I was still ready to stick around and hope it would work out but he left me for some else. He left me because I wasn't sleeping with him any more and this other girl was. I guess he thought I didn't care but it wasn't that at all.  Addiction took him away from me. Addiction took so many people away from me. Love of my life, best friend, parent... It had become a common in my life but no less hurtful.

Now I find myself sober and  in a complicated relationship trying to navigate through the maze of issues that every couple has to face. Feeling new at this I'm still trying to find my way, trying to still be my own person but also being considerate of his feelings, trying to understand how to approach a disagreement when the other person has left all common sense behind and all that's left is anger. What do I say to purposely hurtful remarks, how do I express my feelings in a way were I'll actually be understood ? Trying to understand why he often doesn't do what he says he will do. How can I know when his lying ? How do I trust someone after multiple lies, when I've already been lied to by everyone else. Are all these issues something all couples face or am I just unlucky to have a partner that seems impossible to reason with most of the time.

 I was use to getting my way and I know that but lately it rarely happens and if it does its not with out him complaining long enough to make me feel guilty. I know making someone feel guilty every time you do something for them isn't right and I don't do that to him. I try to make him happy even if its not always what I want but I still feel guilty when he does something for me because of his constant complaining. I keep wondering what I can do differently to make this relationship better. I'm not perfect and I know that, at lease I'm trying. The really confusing questions are;  What is it to love, am I in a healthy relationship? Is this normal? Does he really love me ? Am I just afraid of being alone? Do I deserve better? At lease I'm happy most of the time, right ?


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Methadone: Love Hate Relationship

I often wonder if I did the right thing getting on methadone, or if I just took the easy way out. At the time it wasn't even a decision. It kinda just happened. Well not that easy of course but in my mind there wasn't any other possibility. It was either keep doing what I was doing, to keep the withdrawals away. I didn't know any other way. I even tried doing a bit less oxys everyday and gradually stop that way, but it didn't work at all. Everything just seemed so futile and hopeless. The more I fucked up in my life by doing stupid things to feed my addiction, the more I wanted to get fucked up to forget about it. Vicious circle. (Forgiving myself was an essential part of my recovery but that only happened after Id been on methadone for a while.)

So I finally got to see a methadone doctor after months of waiting. It wasn't easy getting an appointment since the doctor was out of town. I had to travel there twice a week for the first couple months and finding a ride wasn't easy. On top of that I had to go to pharmacy everyday, freezing wind, pouring rain, cold snow, extreme heat with no car or city buses, I had to find a ride or walk there and back. That doesn't include holidays when their hours were short and I didn't make it in time or when I had to leave work or school or where ever to go to the pharmacy. The doctor even screwed up sometimes, or sent my prescription out of town on the wrong day, and I didn't get my medication. Those days Id be in incredible pain. I wish someone would of told me what I was getting into. How hard it was going to be to quit methadone or to go with out it for even just a day. Even now when I only need to go to pharmacy once a week I still feel trapped. Like I cant go anywhere for more than a week. I've thought of getting away from everything, go work far away for a summer, get to see new places, out of country even, but then I realise how difficult that would be if I'm still on methadone. I've been slowly lowering my methadone hoping to be able to do something adventurous this summer. Hoping is the key word here because I've tried going down before, more then once. What always seems to happen is I go down to fast then my body starts hurting, I cant sleep and I'm always tired. So I give up and return to the same amount of methadone as before. In short I don't function well.

Now I'm going down slowly and its been going oki but there were moments were I didn't feel good and I really thought about going up again. Thankfully, I was able to hold out and not go up again. Instead Id stay at that amount for a while to get use to it. I know if it weren't for methadone I wouldn't even have the state of mind to dream about travelling or to go to school or to even have a life in general so I'm really grateful  I cant expect it to be easy or to magically get fixed, good things require effort and determination. I have to take the good with the bad and hope that I'm strong enough to get off it eventually. Its ironic how the one thing that freed me is also keeping me trapped, but honestly it could be worst at lease now my minds my own. The lesser evil, as they say.


PS: If you want to know more about how its like being on Methadone theirs this great Blog Called Methadone Maze, Go Check it out :)

Sunday, January 06, 2013

The Healing Bond Between Addict & Dog

It doesn't matter how guilty or how horrible we feel about ourselves and doesn't matter how many terrible things we did, our pets love us unconditionally. There's something extremely special about the way our pets are always there for us no matter what. The bond between person and pet cant be compared to anything else, it can do amazing things.

When things started to go from bad to worst with my addiction and finding myself feeling lost. One day my love for dogs was remembered through the haze of drugs long enough to become determined to get a dog. Knowing that if nothing else, having a dog would make me happy. She was still just a little puppy when I went to a local farm to see the litter. All the puppies were hiding behind stairs and it wasn't very easy to get to them. But my little Maggy walked out between the two first steps and came up to me. The only one that came out to greet me, I was in love instantly. She ended up picking me, not the other way around. I saw it as faith, I was meant to bring her home.

My Maggy was by my side through it all. At the times when I felt the most alone and when I felt like giving up, she was there giving affection and love freely without judgement of my addiction, my lies, my stealing. Her never failing presences and love helped me believe in myself, helped me believe I could do better with my life. Maggy just being the playful, loving dog that she was supported me through the hardest parts of my recovery.

Oh, I miss her so very much. At only a little over two years old Maggy got sick and had to be put to sleep. No death, nothing in my entire life has devastated me as much as having my Maggy taken away from me. I would of paid any amount of money if only there was something to be done to save her. I miss her every day. I hope with all my heart to be with her again some day.

FEB 2010


Saturday, January 05, 2013

Long Lost Friends

One of the hardest thing I've had to deal with since being sober is making friends.

Back in high school when drugs weren't affecting my life I still had lots friend and a couple close friends. Even when I got more into drugs I still had friends, well until I started trying to quit. Once I made up my mind and decided I didn't want to keep doing drugs forever I stop talking to everyone. I stayed home most of the time, unless I was going to work or working on my high school diploma through this adult correspondence class. I rarely answered my phone, I didn't talk to anyone for the longest time except my boyfriend at the time. I needed time alone to fix my life and most of all find out who I was without drugs.

By the time I got better it had been so long since I talked to the people I knew, it just wasn't the same. They had all moved on, some had kids, some had moved away, some were way into drugs. They had all changed and so had I. Making new friends seemed like the only answer. I just hadn't realized how hard it be. I keep feeling like no one can understand what I've been through other then another former addict. But its difficult meeting one since its not something people tend to tell strangers or people they just met. It was hard to feel like I had something in common with people or open up to them for fear of being judged for my past. It was all soo easy when I was a kid.

I thought once I got to college it would get easier but its going on three years now and still not even one friend. Although I have to admit I haven't been trying that hard. For example, I met a nice girl while working this summer but for some reason we haven't hung out outside of work even though shes asked more than once. I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm not sure if I'm scared or nervous. I realize now that even though we all get scared, sometimes we need to take a leap of faith. We wont know unless we try, right. That said, this week ill take that leap of faith and open myself up to making a new friend. Ill start by making plans to hang out and follow through with it.

Wish me luck.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Running Away

After my parents separated and my mom moved back to my home town, five hours away, I was always torn between having both my parents in my life. I was a Daddy's girl, I thought he was always right  although he had disappointed me often he always had a «good» excuse and I still believed in them. Despite all that my mom was my mom, she was always there for me, she kept her promises. I could depend on her, really depend on her, so I was always torn. The fact that they also both wanted me with them and tried to convince me to live with them made it easier for me to run away from my problems. Every time I couldn't handle something or when I didn't get my way I had the opportunity to move away, far away. Problems with drugs, friends, school, parents, break up... 

I moved around soo much, I was never able to really settle down and after soo many times I stop bothering with unpacking everything. I lost a lot of important stuff with all the moving. The time that hurt me the most was when I moved back to my moms and whatever I hadn't brought with me for my visit with her, was left at my dads. My dads girlfriend had kids around my age who just stole all my stuff even my moms engagement ring from my dad, that had been given to me after they separated. My dad didn't do anything to help, he didn't seem to care and since then I've always been protective of my things. The one exception was when my addiction was pretty bad and I moved back to my moms after living on my own. That time I left a lot of sentimental and important things behind. What drives me crazy about losing all that stuff is that we never had much money so replacing anything was almost impossible and that's if it was even replaceable.

When running away we often leave behind more then our problems. Although more than that  by getting in the habit of running I forgot how to slow down and appreciate the people around me. I also didn't get to learn how to deal with being wrong and solve problems effectively. Its like I still cant be wrong, Ill argue my point until I blue in the face even when I get that lil voice telling me I'm wrong. Ill ignore it. As for resolving problems I'm still learning how to listen to the other persons point of view and compromise. Whats important is being open to learn, grow and change. Trying new ways when the old ones aren't working, instead of giving up and running away.


Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Drug High: What Goes Up Must Come Down

Every high has its downer. At some point it comes down too,  Is the high worth the downer and all the guilt that comes with it ? At first when things weren't too bad the downer wasn't a problem, I could stop when it got late and go to bed without any negative thoughts keeping me up or making me want more to make them stop. Once I decided I wanted to stop using and that the consequences were definitely not worth it, the guilt made the downer unbearable. My thoughts made me feel so bad, I felt useless and weak. At that point I had so many things to feel guilty about, all the lies, the stealing, the hurting of people I cared about. With every relapse came the downer and with every downer my determination became stronger and stronger. Until finally the high really wasn't worth the downer. I needed those downer to remind me exactly how bad I felt about the things I've done.


~New Year, New Changes~

I use to not care too much about setting goals for the New Year thats when it even crossed my mind. I saw it as a waste of time because setting goals and not achieving them was just one more thing to be disapointed about. I remember when the most important thing on my mind besides drugs was were the best party would be at. Well in the beginning anyways. Later on when the addiction got bad most of the time I was too uncomfortable to go out in public.

Now a days New Years brings me hope and excitement for all the possibilities it brings. Possibilities of change and adventure, possibilities of a greater understanding of our world and the people in it, possibilities of deeper love for others but also for one self. I'm filled with gratitude for having a second chance at life so that I may experience these possibilities. Cheers to a New Year and a Brighter Future.

Happy New Year,