Saturday, March 29, 2014

Addiction Recovery Reflections

Bearing it all out there, flaws and all for everyone to see, as my first step to changing and growing and this started all because of that one special person in my life that I want to make feel love and worth it beyond what mere words can express. You make me want to be a better person.

One Must Know In Order to Grow,
In Order to Grow One Must Know.

I've known for a while now that I have a couple major flaws that affect many areas of my life but most of all my close relationships. I'm very stubborn, I have a hard time taking blame or responsibility and I assume things which end up hurting me. I know this is brought on by deep emotional insecurities of not being good enough. I assume that people think the worst because that's how I see myself and I can't take blame because that will somehow make me less. I've been trying to change the way I see myself and value myself more so that I might be able to be confident enough to take responsibility and not to assume the worst. This really trying to change only came about recently when I fell in love with someone just as stubborn as me. This makes arguments very, very intense but so is our love for each other and that's the reason why I want to change instead of giving up. In the past I've been in relationships with men who eventually learnt to let me win arguments so I've never had reason to change. It’s extremely hard for me to own up to something especially when I feel like the other person played their part in it also. Part of this is because of my trust issues and feel like if I give in that maybe I'm being manipulated. I feel like they’re the reason I felt and acted that way and that's what makes it difficult for me to own up to it. I know that way of thinking is part of the problem and instead of thinking that way I need to start accepting the fact that although their actions caused me to feel a certain way it wasn't their intention to make me feel that way. I need to accept that fact and own up to over reacting or taking it the wrong way. But what would be even better would be to prevent the whole situation by simply not assuming or jumping to conclusions. I need to ask questions and get clarification in a calm manner and maybe avoid the argument in the first place. I know that this is the quick fix and still doesn't address the cause of the issue in the first place which would be my insecurity that I'm not good enough. This is a slow process for me and won’t be done overnight because this insecurity is rooted deep in me and I'm hypersensitive to the words and actions of the ones I care about. I need to find a way to get to the root cause of all this and decide what to do to change it. In order to grow one must first know.

Sincerely Charmed

Friday, March 28, 2014

Stressing About Money

Being a student isn't easy, now add to that the stresses about money and it can really take focus away from my schooling. Around the end of the school year is when I tend to run out of my student loans and bills start pilling up, also moving didn't help the money situation. I do work one shift on weekends but that's definitely not enough and working more would impact my performance at school. So I decided to start selling healing trees that I make myself on ebay to help pay bills and not to mention that  doing these trees really helps relieve stress and worry, its good for my recovery and to center myself again. I was really depending on this because I'm way pass the point of running out of money, I have no money and about 1000$ in bills. I know right, total freak out mode here, and finals are just around the corner. So when I finally sold my first tree on eBay for 50$ I was all like YES!! a bit of money coming in. Oh but no, that's not how it went down. When I tried transferring the money from Paypal account to my bank, I did the opposite, so from my bank to my Paypal. Thing is I have no money in my bank, so guess what? That's a 45$ charge on my bank account for it bouncing and as hard as I tried I couldn't cancel the transfer when I realized what had happen. The bank said we can try and put stop payment on it but its going to cost you 15$ and we can't guarantee it wont bounce. GREAT! So your telling me you want 15$ that I don't have and you cant even guarantee I wont get charged another 45$ for a bounced payment. Well NO thank you! So what do I do? I call PayPal and they said no sorry nothing we can do once the authorization is sent. Just Perfect. They end up telling me to transfer the money for the tree to my bank and maybe it will be in my bank in time so it doesn't bounce. So I did, I was desperate but ya you probably guess it, the money didn't make it in time so I was charged 45$. That means the money I made from my tree covered the bounce fee and I'm still broke. So the time spent doing the tree and the cost of supplies was out of my own pocket. At that point I disappointed but determined to do something to sell some of my trees. I decided to post my trees on Facebook and on a buy and sell site but I still haven't had any luck. I'm still hoping my luck turns around and something good happens soon. Wish my luck and if you want to take a look at my healing trees on ebay here's the link: HEALING TREES


Friday, March 21, 2014

That One Decision That Changed Everything

I never really believed that anything like this could ever actually happen to me. That the perfect guy for me would walk into my life, sweep me off my feet and take me away from my unhappy and most of all unhealthy relationship. I thought things like that only existed in books and movies. Having someone just so perfectly matched for me, it was like he was made for me. I never thought in a million years that someone could complete me so spiritually, physically and emotionally to the point of having me believing in soul mates. I have to tell you it’s all so weird how it happened that I don't doubt that it was anything else but fate that brought us together. The signs were all there continually reminding me that I was making the right decision by moving forward with this man. We continually read each other minds, finished each other’s sentences and would send each other the exact same text at the exact same time. We have so much in common, it really feels like he is my other half. We both love deeply and know how to show it. Every day I wake up feeling loved and cherished, and I've never had that before. I never could have imagine love could feel this good.

Leaving my ex wasn't something I thought I could do because when I love, I love deeply. I didn't think I was strong enough or ready because honestly I still loved the guy no matter how unhappy I was. No to mention the way it happened, me meeting my soul mate while still living with my ex. Something about the whole situation didn't sit right with me, I'm not that type of person, when I'm committed, I'm committed and loyal. But being with this guy, the way he made me feel and the way we connected, all of it just felt so right that I just had to do something about it. I hate lying and I can't be with two people at once which meant that I had to move fast. I didn't want to give myself to this amazing man if I was still living with my ex so I just had to move out. And I know from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't have left my ex for anyone else but my soul mate, the one person that I'd want to marry without hesitation, the one person I'd see as the best father for my future children and the one person I can see myself spending forever with. Just to be clear on this, I've never found someone that I absolutely wanted forever. Don't get me wrong I've been in love before but I could never picture forever with someone, I always thought this won’t last, I know it’s sad but it’s true. This man and my one decision to leave my ex for him has changed the entire course of my life. It was the ultimate game changer. A life changer. In that one single moment the course of my entire life changed forever.

When I look at him I see everything I'll ever need. I see my future. It's pretty amazing to have someone love and trust me as much as I trust them. We both want the same things in life and he supports my dreams and my schooling. Everything happened all so fast, we hung out for the first time on Christmas when I was down visiting my mom for the holidays. Then he relocated from my hometown to where I'm living now on January 15th to be closer to me and I guess to win me over because he knew he just had to have me. Despite knowing he wanted me he was really patient and understanding, giving me all the time I needed. I ended up moving out of my ex and moving in with him on February 7th. It was all very hectic and hard since I was grieving my past relationship and dealing with school. I was in so much emotional pain the first week, the pain almost felt unbearable but he was there for me, understanding and not judging, not getting upset that I was in pain over my last relationship. We both moved in to this new place on the same day so we had to start from the beginning, making it livable, making it home. It was hard but it was so worth it.