I wrote this post right after New Year's Eve this year but didn't know if I should post it. But I finally decided to let my thoughts of that moment be known. I've changed many things in my life and it doesn't get any easier the more times I do it. Changes still scares me. I usually fight it every step of the way trying to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. Although when my heart’s desire becomes greater than the fear, my soul finds the courage to carry on as planned. Taking that leap, that risk that might just change everything.
From last Christmas to this Christmas so much has happened, so much has changed, but still so much is still the same. I'm almost in the same position I was a year ago. I'm in a relationship where I'm rarely happy but God, the Goddess, destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it, has seen fit to put another man in my life to give me another chance at happiness, if only I have the courage to reach out and take the opportunity given to me. This is not something I do carelessly or easily, be it bad or good, all my choices are calculated, exploring every possibly; the things that can go wrong and the things that can go right. I tend to over analyze everything and get lost in my own mind. I'm obviously a Pisces but being a Pisces also means that I rely a lot on my instincts and emotions which are an important part of the calculating process.
From last Christmas to this Christmas so much has happened, so much has changed, but still so much is still the same. I'm almost in the same position I was a year ago. I'm in a relationship where I'm rarely happy but God, the Goddess, destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it, has seen fit to put another man in my life to give me another chance at happiness, if only I have the courage to reach out and take the opportunity given to me. This is not something I do carelessly or easily, be it bad or good, all my choices are calculated, exploring every possibly; the things that can go wrong and the things that can go right. I tend to over analyze everything and get lost in my own mind. I'm obviously a Pisces but being a Pisces also means that I rely a lot on my instincts and emotions which are an important part of the calculating process.
When I make the decision to go ahead with something it’s with a lot of thought and care, which sometimes makes me hesitate and I miss out on the wonderful opportunity given to me. It’s really helping that my emotions are really strong for this person, I can’t believe how much I feel connected to him and it all just feels so right. On the other hand I'm nervous and scared because I've been fooled before and I've learnt not to trust my instinct. I'm not saying this person isn't a wonderful person but what if he changes with time and becomes someone completely different, its happened to me before. On top of that I'm really scared about having to deal with the guy I'm in a relationship with, I know he will make it hard for me to leave. He will fight and I don't completely trust him to let me leave with all my things. I don't even want to think about how that's going to work or how it will even happen. See I'm over thinking everything again why can't I stop doubting myself.
PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.
PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.
Charmed
I hear a lot of my self in this post. I pose the "what if" questions to myself a lot, and it creates a lot of uncertainty in my life that breed the insanity and unmanageability in my life. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years, and while we have split a few times due to my behaviors and actions in active addiction, he has stuck through it thick and thin. Doubting myself led to a lot of problems in our relationship, because rather than believing I had the problem with doubt, I lived in denial and doubted him instead.
ReplyDeleteLet things be as they are, and work through them as they come. Come what may, things will work out the way they should. It may not always feel good, or sometimes it may feel glorious, but it will be what is best in the end.
Well I went through with it. I left my ex, and stopped doubting my instinct that it was a unhealthy relationship. All because of one amazing man that stuck by me through it all and showed what it was like to really be cared for. I didn't know how bad my relationship was until this man showed me how good it could be. I'm really happy I had the courage to take that leap of faith and stop doubting my heart. I believe I have found my soulmate. :)
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DeleteIts Nice to read this blog..This kind of uncertainty covers everybody in lifetime...
ReplyDeleteVery informative!!
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