Thursday, April 11, 2013

A Recovering Addicts Insecurities & Self Esteem Issues

Insecurities and Self Esteem Issues can lead to addiction, getting sober doesn't make those insecurities go away, we just learn to deal with it in a different way.

Now what am I suppose to do about these issues ? I just want to be as confident as I use to be. I want that same will power I had to get sober to get my confidence back. I have quite a few insecurities that affect my daily life, I imagine its to be expected with everything that's happened in my life but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I notice these insecurities more now that I've been sober for a while and to bring it even more to my attention was the essay I had to do for my psychopathology class. 

In this essay I had to find the diagnosis that best fit me, explain in detail what symptoms I had, what symptoms were absent and how they manifested in my daily life. I believe these insecurities might be one of the reasons I don't open myself up as much as I use too, since being high use to numb them it was easier to talk to people. But now their back in full force which really works against me on the whole making friends issue. It was easier when I was young and high. When I use to think less about what others are thinking. Lately the idea of what others might be thinking or their judgments and criticism has started to consume me.

I'm insecure about not being socially competent, I often think about if I'm saying the right thing, or if I'm boring and what do I have to offer. I'm also insecure about my looks which I've always had an issue with although more now then ever but also as a younger child before my teenage years. In my teenage years it was better since I was thin and I was finally starting to look womanly. 
Nowadays its always on my mind that I've gain 40-50 pounds in the last 3-4 years, I'm not comfortable in my clothes and I just don't feel beautiful anymore from the neck down and even that's seems to be pushing it since my face doesn't look as thin as it use too. I'm really insecure about how I look and I've tried so many different things but progress is so slow and not eating what I want seems like torture. 

My insecurities have effected my self esteem in many ways and has made me more sensitive to judgement and criticism. Sadly, its made me lash out very easily at any kind of judgement or criticism because mostly I'm just hurt. I'm definitely getting better at dealing with it because I try to take the time to think about it rationally but I have to say that sometimes my feelings still get the best of me.

Having insecurities and lashing out when criticized has effected my relationship and my decision to stay in that relationship all to often. Specially being  in a relationship with someone who speaks their mind without filtering the hurtful stuff and their mind sure has a lot of hurtful stuff. There's also the judgments of other people, it either being online or in real life is still hurtful and I'm trying to learn to have thicker skin and not reacting so easily.

I know being insecure is really not attractive which gives me one more thing to make me feel bad about myself. So what I'll end up doing is putting a brave face on to face the world and the people in my life. Fake it till you Make it. But I'm definitely working on feeling better about myself and I want to let other people know that their not alone in their insecurities. And I have to say its always worst in our own minds. I'll get moments were I realize I'm not as damaged as I make myself believe. I have friends I just choose not to go see them as often because, well yes I'm still a little insecure but mostly I'm unsure because I'm no longer use to being around them.