A Letter to My Younger Self Before I Was an Addict

I was told that writing a letter my younger self  can be a therapeutic way to put things into perspective and move on. Anyone with a tough childhood could probably benefit from this and having dealt with addiction and being a child of an addict I thought this was perfect for me. However, I changed things up a little bit and decided to write a letter to myself before I became an addict.

Finding Your Confidence in Recovery

With the theme of my last post Insecurities-self-esteem-issues I decided to follow up with a post on how I stay confident despite any self-doubt and insecurities I have. I'm constantly trying to change my way of thinking and how I see myself, so I may find my inner worth and a greater confidence in myself. To stop hiding and become all I can be. To take risks and reap the benefits of taking those risks. Hell, we all have those moments of self-doubt, what's important is that we don't let it hold us back. It would be a shame if we were to miss out on any great experience life has to offer for fear of judgment or self-doubt.

Living life to the fullest is something most recovering addicts have come to really appreciate and strive for, especially knowing how fast life can pass us by and how much already has during our addiction. We also have this new found confidence in ourselves despite our doubts because we learned that there's no boundaries we can not achieve when we put our minds to it. Overcoming addiction, one of life's greatest battles has shown us just how much we can achieve, and we best never forget it. When self-doubt sets in I try to keep in mind just how much I've already overcome and achieved, so I may remind myself of the strength I possess.

Something as easy as starting your day with a smile can change your whole day. I've already put the word SMILE on my mirror to remind myself every morning to try to smile even if I don't feel like it. I've also thought about putting sticky notes stating positive reinforcements around my place. I learned an interesting fact about how smiling releases these happy hormones in one of my psychology class.This kind of gives credence to the statement FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT, which just amuses me to no end.

Even if you're not happy smiling may help you feel better and when you feel better well everything seems to just get better. You can get a clearer, more positive and open mindset. Which helps me open and talk to people more or even just simply ask questions in class. Another great way I boost my mood and confidence is to listen to uplifting music. We all have different taste and for me something like the song I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK is a great confidence boost and also a lot of fun.

I find music can do that for me and the words find a way to touch my soul in all aspect of my life, it being a broken heart, a confidence boost or that extra push when I'm working out. The music moves me. What matters here, is not the how you get there, but simply being there. So whether it's music or a sticky note doesn't matter, what matters is that you have found a way to tap into your greatness and have removed all self-doubt. And in doing so you may give courage to those around you to do so as well.

Charmed

A Recovering Addicts Insecurities & Self Esteem Issues

Insecurities and Self Esteem Issues can lead to addiction, getting sober doesn't make those insecurities go away, we just learn to deal with it in a different way.

Now what am I suppose to do about these issues ? I just want to be as confident as I use to be. I want that same will power I had to get sober to get my confidence back. I have quite a few insecurities that affect my daily life, I imagine its to be expected with everything that's happened in my life but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I notice these insecurities more now that I've been sober for a while and to bring it even more to my attention was the essay I had to do for my psychopathology class. 

In this essay I had to find the diagnosis that best fit me, explain in detail what symptoms I had, what symptoms were absent and how they manifested in my daily life. I believe these insecurities might be one of the reasons I don't open myself up as much as I use too, since being high use to numb them it was easier to talk to people. But now their back in full force which really works against me on the whole making friends issue. It was easier when I was young and high. When I use to think less about what others are thinking. Lately the idea of what others might be thinking or their judgments and criticism has started to consume me.

I'm insecure about not being socially competent, I often think about if I'm saying the right thing, or if I'm boring and what do I have to offer. I'm also insecure about my looks which I've always had an issue with although more now then ever but also as a younger child before my teenage years. In my teenage years it was better since I was thin and I was finally starting to look womanly. 

Nowadays its always on my mind that I've gain 40-50 pounds in the last 3-4 years, I'm not comfortable in my clothes and I just don't feel beautiful anymore from the neck down and even that's seems to be pushing it since my face doesn't look as thin as it use too. I'm really insecure about how I look and I've tried so many different things but progress is so slow and not eating what I want seems like torture. 

My insecurities have effected my self esteem in many ways and has made me more sensitive to judgement and criticism. Sadly, its made me lash out very easily at any kind of judgement or criticism because mostly I'm just hurt. I'm definitely getting better at dealing with it because I try to take the time to think about it rationally but I have to say that sometimes my feelings still get the best of me.

Having insecurities and lashing out when criticized has effected my relationship and my decision to stay in that relationship all to often. Specially being  in a relationship with someone who speaks their mind without filtering the hurtful stuff and their mind sure has a lot of hurtful stuff. There's also the judgments of other people, it either being online or in real life is still hurtful and I'm trying to learn to have thicker skin and not reacting so easily.

I know being insecure is really not attractive which gives me one more thing to make me feel bad about myself. So what I'll end up doing is putting a brave face on to face the world and the people in my life. Fake it till you Make it. But I'm definitely working on feeling better about myself and I want to let other people know that their not alone in their insecurities. And I have to say its always worst in our own minds. I'll get moments were I realize I'm not as damaged as I make myself believe. I have friends I just choose not to go see them as often because, well yes I'm still a little insecure but mostly I'm unsure because I'm no longer use to being around them.

Charmed