Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Taking on Responsibilities

Since moving away to go to school, I've been adjusting to the fact that I needed to take on more responsibilities. I guess I've also been fighting that fact, just barely floating by. Always eating take out and getting by with the bare minimum cleaning. Getting paper plates, plastic utensils etc. I always felt tired and like I didn't have the time. I would miss appointments or often be late (except for work). I felt exactly how my life was unorganized and barely making it work.

Before I moved I had my ex who would do the cooking and cleaning specially when I was working and going to school since I just didn't have the time or energy. I also had my mom to bring me to my appointments, to get my medication and to any kind of shopping I needed to do. I guess that's why I never really got accustomed to doing those things for myself and made it that much harder when I moved to a new town all by myself only a couple years after getting sober.

At first things were extremely hard specially since I was dealing with a major break up from a 6 year relationship which is most of my teenage years. I was truly alone for the first time. Taking anymore responsibility at that point just seemed impossible so I did the bare minimum to get by. I guess you could say I could barely take care of myself. I went to school and fed myself but that was about it.

Then something changed this past year, starting with last summer. I'm not exactly sure what it is but since working full time for the first time in my life (44 hours a week graveyard) everything else seemed a bit easier in comparison. At first I still ate take out and tried to not get anything dirty, that way I wouldn't have to clean as much. I just didn't seem to have time for those things although I was getting more energy so I got better with getting to my appointments in time and getting school essays done in time.

And that's how the changed started.

Now these past few months something else has changed. I started cooking most of my meals, doing groceries, cleaning regularly, doing laundry dished, scrubbing the bathroom, going out for walks, etc. I don't know why its possible now when it wasn't before but I feel like this past year has changed a lot in me. I'm more ready to face whatever life brings my way. I'm more confident that I can make it on my own when before I was barely holding on, waiting for someone to rescue me.

Life's hard but the more I do for myself the more I realize I can make it. I'm finally becoming the independent woman I always wanted to be. I still have a long way to go but for the first time since getting clean I feel like I can actually do this whole normal life thing on my own. This is a big step towards being emotionally ready to be single or stay in a relationship because I want to not because I'm scared of being alone. If this year changed me this much I wonder how much more things will be different next year.

Charmed