Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Im Coming Out Of Hiding, Yes Im Back :)

First of all I’d like to say sorry, sorry, sorry for not posting before now. Although I doubt anyone noticed I haven`t been posting. My 3rd year in Psychology has kept me really busy, much busier then all the other years. It feels like it gets harder every year. Plus I've been working on weekends while also attending class during the week, for the first time since attending college I'm doing both. Although I don't mind being busy since I like what I'm doing, I rarely get time for myself anymore. And whatever time I do get is usually spent taking care of my fishes. I have 4-5 tanks now, I kind of lost count. But I'm still glad I got fishes instead of a dog. I love my fishes I'm a Pisces after all. One of my girls got pregnant on Sunday so I had to get another tank for her and her soon to be babies. First time I've had a cichlid get pregnant; pretty cool how they hold the eggs in their mouth. I also have a Freshwater Angelfish tank and a German Ram tank, plus tank for the babies. Here's a quick picture of my African cichlid tank.

It’s funny how life turns out sometimes. I never stop learning and growing. My growth sometimes surprises me but I still find myself wishing other aspects of myself would grow faster. I have always had a hard time with relationships and recently I've been having a hard time knowing if I'm asking for too much, or if I'm giving in too much. Knowing when to give and when to take is not my strong suit. But somewhere deep down I wonder if it’s not the other person that might be partly responsible. I feel like I've tried everything and still I'm at a loss of how to make this all work. After my last post I had broken up with my ex and was kind of seeing someone else but my ex kept trying to get me back and pretty much scared the other guy so I just told that guy to move on if he didn't think I was worth a little trouble. I'm almost positive he would have stuck around to see how we would have worked out or until he couldn't handle my ex anymore but things were just not the same between us after my ex freaked out on him. I just didn't want to give anymore of my heart to him if there was a chance of him leaving because of something my ex did. Something I had no control over. So I finally gave in with my ex, his promises and changes really seemed sincere at the time. Or maybe I just didn't want to be alone and he was something familiar.

Anyways we eventually moved in together. I was very doubtful and hesitant at first but I went for it. I still sometimes wonder what made me go back. I should of known all his promises were too good to be true and that he would go back to his old ways soon enough. Don't get me wrong things aren't terrible but I feel like I deserve more. Now isn't that selfish of me. I want him to listen to me, not say something if he's not going to do it, and to spend some time with me. I start building up some resentment when I feel myself giving in too much and sacrificing what I want for what he wants. And that makes me feel like he should at the very least show me some appreciation and attention since I give him what he wants all the time. Specially because if I don't he will often pick a fit, give me the silent treatment or guilt me into giving him what he wants. I don't know but that sounds like major manipulation but even though I kind of know that I'm still not ready to leave. I want to make it work. If I get enough time I’d like to blog about it and maybe even get your input. If anyone even reads these post, lol. Ok well got to go for now busy, busy.

:) Charmed