Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Detachment Guilt Sucks

Sometimes you just got to do what’s right for you. Ya not as easy as it sounds. I've been feeling guilty as hell ever since I avoided my best friend’s calls. I never answer unknown numbers and even then I rather text then talk on the phone.  Now the one time I do pick up it ends up being my best friend who I hadn't talked to in forever. I had kind of detached myself from her ever since I realized how bad the addiction was. It’s hard for me to see her like this, knowing all too well the lifestyle. That the lying and manipulating goes hand in hand with addiction. I believe myself to be strong in my recovery but I don't want to tempt fate. We have a lot of good memories partying together and that scares me. The good memories scare me. A lot of my recovery was supported by remembering the bad memories.

When I first answered I was still smiling but that quickly faded as I remembered her situation and her new picture on Facebook. She didn't look well to say the least. I knew right then before she said anything that she definitely wanted something and my stomach became all knotted. I'm the type of person who has a really hard time saying no, so I tend to avoid the situation all together. This means I tend to miss out on a lot. Yes it’s definitely something I'm working on. She first asked me if she could come spend the night which probably meant she had no where to stay, although she never actually said that. I wasn't even aware that her situation was that bad. I told her I had school the next day and that my boyfriend worked. But she insisted she was tired and she just wanted to sleep. So out of a moment of weakness I said I’d ask my boyfriend once he got back from the store and she said she would call back. 

In the middle of all this she slipped in a little fact she forgot to mention at the beginning about her boyfriend coming with her. A man I've never met. Needless to say I didn't answer when she called back and I felt terrible about it. But I was in the middle of studying for my finals and I wasn't leaving her and a strange man in my home alone. I doubted very much that they would wake up and leave the following morning when my boyfriend and I left for work and school. I know better than to leave a full blown addict unsupervised in my home. I was an addict I know all too well how terribly wrong this stay over could of went. And probably because I was an addict I was even more fearful and cautious about the whole thing. I know all too well what we are capable of and just how terrible things could have been. But this still doesn't stop the guilt and that what ifs.