The Difference You Need to Know Between Addiction & Dependence

Physical dependence and addiction aren't the same.

Addiction can occur without physical dependence. For example, cocaine or methamphetamine both have little outwardly apparent withdrawal syndrome but addiction to either can devastate lives. Addictions to gambling, sex or the internet also have no physical dependence.

Physical dependence can also occur without addiction. It's common for most chronic pain patients who are able to take their opioid medication as prescribed for pain but don't develop the uncontrollable compulsion and loss of control. A desire to avoid withdrawal is not addiction.

Tired of Being Judged Simply For Being a Recovering Addict

Just because I was on drugs over 6 years ago doesn't mean I'm a bad mother and that I need to be checked up on. My baby has everything he could ever need, including all the love and attention he could ever want. So because I did drugs in my teens that gives the right for people to pry into our lives. I think there some serious prejudice going on here.

I was interrogated by some social worker while I was recuperating from a c section in the hospital but that wasn't enough for them they have to come to my door without notice. What the fuck. I don't think it is in any way fair that my teenage past is following me around like that.

They left me a couple messages on my phone that I hadn't gotten around to returning because I've been busy with a baby and school. They assumed right away when I didn't call them back that I was a bad mother and the security of my child might be at risk. Like come on!!

The Juggling Act of Being a New Mom in Recovery

Being new mom can be difficult enough by itself but add to that recovery and you got a whole new set of challenges. Trying to manage sleep school and taking care of a baby is no small feat, now forget about trying to keep the house clean. I really enjoy being a mom but this juggling act is overwhelming at times.

I've always had low energy and quitting drugs seem to make it worst, not to mention how being on methadone has also messed with my energy levels. If I don't have at least 10 hours of sleep I cant function properly and this is something I've learned to live with and have worked my schedule around. As you can imagine that's not always possible with a little baby to take care of and I often find myself drained, nodding off and feeling guilty that I'm not getting enough school work done or how messy the house is getting.

I'm lucky for the help that I am getting but I still feel like I'm coming up short with my ever growing to do list. I'm getting worried I won't finish my thesis in time and my teacher seems to think the same. I don't like thinking about it because I usually feel like I'm having a panic attack. I only have one class and my thesis left to graduate after being there 5 years so its extremely important to me to finish and graduate. I've worked so hard for it and I'm really trying to make this work. I'm suppose to be getting more help with the baby in the next few weeks so hopefully I can get on top of things. Its just that when I'm not sleeping I'd rather be spending time with little one. :) Baby cuddles are the best

Charmed

My Birth Experience Being a Recovering Addict on Methadone

I've been so busy with my newborn baby boy that I haven't gotten the chance to post these last few Sundays. Although I thought about it I just couldn't seem to find the time. Any spare time I did get I just wanted to spend catching up on my sleep that I had definitely been lacking since that first week. The first week was the hardest with having to stay at the hospital with my little one, recovering from a c-section, and only getting about 3 hours of sleep a night, and not 3 consecutive hours either. Thankfully the joy and excitement at finally having my baby gave me the adrenaline to keep me going. It took a while for it to sink in, it didn't seem real at first but once I started realizing the magnitude of this new life in my arms I was in complete awe of him (and still am). He was born absolutely perfect.

My OB scheduled me in to get induced after I went overdue for a few reasons but it turned out unsuccessful. A couple hours after breaking my water and giving me the iv drip I still wasn't having any contractions. My OB who had been talking about having to send me for a c-section because of my pelvis being too small approached me again about going for a c-section saying I'd probably end up there anyways and the baby heart rate dropped a few times. I reluctantly agree. After hearing c-section horror stories I was kind of terrified but off I was to the operating room all by myself. I was disappointed they would only let one person in so my mom wasn't able to be there and they only let the father in after they had set me up with the spinal and had me on the operating table. I wasn't very happy about being alone for the spinal because it was one of the worst parts and when they finally started operating the freezing went up to my lungs which made breathing very hard. I started shaking, yawning and tearing up a lot during the whole thing but at least the freezing was good enough that I only felt some tugging and pressure. I'm also disappointed I didn't get to see him being born, at least the father got to stand up over the curtain and see it.

When I was admitted to the hospital they wanted me to give them all my methadone carries which I was very weary about because I didn't completely trust them not to screw up my dose somehow. I was admitted to the hospital for three days to recover from my c-section which really hurt the first week and only became somewhat bearable the second week. The baby however ended up staying at the hospital for a week so I was put in a room with him in the pediatrics department for the rest of the time he was at the hospital. That's when I find the whole experience became very frustrating and exhausting. I felt terrible the entire time thinking it was my fault my baby was there withdrawing from methadone and some nurses weren't pleasant to deal with at all. They just made the whole situation worst. One in particular kept scoring really high on the withdrawal so we had to stay longer for observation when I felt he wasn't as bad as she was making it out to be and it turned out I was right when a few other nurses examined him later on. She also pretty much took the baby out of my hands at one point when I was changing his diaper because he was crying. Being hormonal with no sleep I was really not having it I demanded not to have her as a nurse again and told the doctors exactly what I thought and we were released the next day.

While I was at the hospital it seemed very difficult but having my baby made me smile every day. Since coming home things got so much easier. My baby was finally sleeping longer periods and being in the comfort of my home without nurses hovering over me made all the difference. Looking back at the time in the hospital I still cherish every moment even though it wasn't what I wanted, it was still the birth of my baby and that's pretty freaking special :) I spent his first month off school for the holidays enjoying some baby cuddles and family.

Charmed

Addiction Recovery My Way

One of the many things that makes this world such a beautiful and wonderful place is its diversity. We are all beautifully unique with different wants and needs. We shouldn't ever be expected to all fit in a box and conform to just one way of doing things. Its simply isn't who we are as humans beings. We are amazingly complex individuals and we need that freedom to be ourselves and do what works for us in order for us to grow into all that we can be.

I've had people who have been rude to me, ignored me,  blocked me and even shunned me once they found out I wasn't doing recovery their way. Every time I ask myself why. Why not support a fellow recovering addict and recovery in all its forms. If it's creating a better life for them and their loved ones than Why Not? I would think these recovering addicts would understand better than most the struggle of recovery. We should stand together and lift each other up. Changing our lives in no small task. We should be proud of each other no matter what recovery path we have chosen. Accepting and encouraging individual differences is an amazing thing. It means we have evolved to see past our own sense of self and ego to see the beauty in what is different from us.

If what their doing works for them who I am to judge or make their recovery seem less important or make them feel less than because they aren't doing it my way. Being in the methadone maintenance program I've had to defend my recovery to quite a few people and surprisingly most of them were in recovery themselves. Usually regular folks are more accepting and able to see the positive changes in my life for what they are. Methadone has given me my life back after I had tried everything else to quit, its the only thing that worked for me. 

Another really big issue for some is that I don't see abstinence from alcohol as part of my recovery. I've never had a problem with it. I only drink a few times a year and I rarely get drunk. I've been clean from drugs for many years now and drinking hasn't caused me to relapse in all this time. If I felt like my recovery was in danger I wouldn't drink. I dont drink to get drunk and I dont drink when Im angry or emotionally unstable. I know my way of doing recovery doesn't work for most people but it works for me. I'm drug free and living a "normal" life.

I know alcohol can be a really big problem for some people and by choosing to have a couple drinks on my birthday or at Christmas doesn't mean I don't see alcohol as a huge challenge for some recovering addicts. It doesn't mean I don't respect their struggle or that I don't see it as a big deal for some people. Its just that alcohol isn't a problem for me personally. I respect each of your individual recovery paths so much. Recovery is something to be proud of and If it feels right to you than that's what matters in the end. May you all be happy and find that inner peace we are all looking for.

Charmed

Why Doesn't He Want to Have Sex With Me? Methadone & Low Testosterone

This might be an embarrassing topic to talk about since low testosterone causes a low sex drive (among other things like fatigue and lack of motivation), but I believe its important for us to talk about because its a real problem facing many men and couples on methadone. Sadly too many people stay quiet about this issue because of the stigma attached to it. Like a low sex drive not being manly or it taking away from their manhood, and for women they might feel inadequate or like its their fault somehow that their partner doesn't want to have sex with them. I should know, I've been dealing with this myself.

I'm hoping by writing about my struggles here it will let people know their not alone and theirs no shame in getting tested for LowT if they feel like they are having the same issues. Well my hubby never wants to have sex with me and its really been hurting my feelings. Although I've been reassured this isn't the case it makes me feel like I'm not attractive to him or that he doesn't want me because he doesn't love me. I've known methadone to lower people sex drive and I believe him when he says he's just tired and not in the mood but that doesn't remove the pain of rejection completely and it doesn't fix the problem. On the rare times we do have sex I feel like I have to bug him for it which is so not a turn on for me and it's all really affecting our sex life and with that our relationship. Intimacy is important for me to feel connected to him.

I knew from past experience that methadone, especially a high dose of methadone, can cause a low sex drive but I never thought anything could be done about it besides him getting off methadone and risking his sobriety. But thanks to a recent study done on low testosterone and methadone we have realized that his none existent sex drive and constant fatigue might be due to low testosterone which is usually treatable. We are happy that finally something can be done about it that doesn't involve him risking his sobriety by getting off methadone but he still needs to ask his doctor on his next appointment about getting tested for it. We wont know for sure if something can be done about it until then but I'm hopeful we have discovered what the problem is and that it can be treated.

Are you having similar issues? Have you ever had similar issues? Please let me know in the comments below and give courage to those who need it. If we talk about it we can give people the courage to get tested and treated which can improve many aspects of their lives. Cheers to being happy and healthy :)

The link to the Study:

http://fhs.mcmaster.ca/main/news/news_2014/opioid_addiction_treatment_study.html

Thank you so much for stopping by. Lets stay in touch :)
Subscribe For Email Notification On My Future Posts

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Charmed

Children's Aid: Never Where Their Needed The Most

I was recently informed by my doctor that I'd have to call Children's Aid before my due date to let them know I'm clean and provide them with a letter from my doctor informing them that I'm stable. I'm not happy about this for many reasons but mainly because I know way too many bad things about Children's Aid and how they operate, plus I feel like its unfair that I have to defend myself and prove to them that I'm clean. Kind of feels like prejudice to me, specially because it wont just stop at a letter from my doctor. They will start asking a million and one questions about my life trying to find some reason to become more involved. Or at least that's been what I've known them to do.

I know that their just doing their jobs by making sure I'm clean and I should be happy that their protecting children from unhealthy homes where parents do drugs. The problem is they often get involved in cases where the child is doing fine and cause the family trouble. Sadly I've heard this kind of situation happening from many families. So it probably won't stop with just having to give them a letter. Even though I have nothing to hide I feel like they will put me under a microscope and judge every little thing until they can find something to cause me trouble. 

Also I think about my own childhood and how although my parents weren't perfect and addiction was involved taking me away from them would of caused more harm then good. I probably would of became severely depressed being taken away from my parents.I remember when I was younger a worker came to talk to me at my home and it was just a terrible experience. He came in acting like he owned the place and started telling me I wasn't a good kid for not listening to my mom. It did nothing to help my situation that's for sure.

My partner also had a not so pleasant run in with them when he had his daughter with his ex. The guy worker that came over to talk to his ex started hitting on her and asked her out. Making my hubby sound like a bad guy for not being home because he was working out of town. Thankfully this worker lost his job. Another example, would be them harassing my Dad and trying to take my little brother away. They demanded a drug test 5 times in the past 2 years because he past each time the last time he made sure to tell them if they bothered him again he would be pressing charges. I don't know how that works or if he can press charges but I hope something can be done about bad workers and their flawed system.

I believe in having something in place to protect children but our children's aid system seriously needs work to be just and effective. Hopefully they don't give me any problems when I give them my doctors letter and they don't question me because knowing myself I'll get defensive and pissed. My diplomacy skills do need work I'll admit that LOL. I'll keep you guys all updated on how it goes. Anybody else here have had experience with Children's Aid ?Good or Bad, let me know in the comments below, please. Thanks for listening to me vent and rant, you guys are awesome :D

Check out this story about a mother who lost her child from the time he was born until he was 9 months old when she finally won her case against CAS for being on methadone. They took the child at the hospital and told her she couldn't have custody until she got off methadone.

http://atforum.com/2011/08/advocates-help-new-moms-in-methadone-treatment/#.UPb0CMYsbYo.pinterest

Charmed

Guest Post : The Best & The Worst of Methadone

Written by: Chixx & Stixx from The Methadone Maze

The debate continues on about whether or not methadone is a good tool in recovery or if it is just a hindrance. we will share with you the pros and cons of methadone from our perspective as a couple who are currently on methadone in Ontario, Canada.

As opiate addicts looking for a way out of the lifestyle after 18 years of heavy drug abuse for myself and 24 years for stixx, and having tried other ways to succeed, methadone made sense to us. There are many people who have had both positive and negative experiences, as people would with any other treatment form. There is no wrong way in recovery, it either works for you or it doesn't. I believe people are entitled to their views, but pushing the form of treatment that worked for them on others is not right. If abstinence programs worked for everyone, there wouldn't be such a problem.If it worked for you great, but if it doesn't work for your friend, don't be negative, we are all in some form of recovery that's all that matters.

When I first began MMT I didn't really know what methadone was other than an orange drink that took away your sickness. I was so naive, I had only known two people in the past who were on methadone but it wasn't something that I had really spoke about with them nor considered for myself at the time. I remember one girl passing out at the cash register in a hardware store while looking for money in her purse, the cashier looked at me and I at her. so I thought that was what it did, to each their own I thought! I didn't realize that it would really help save my life a few years later. 

Stixx knew what it was but he wasn't interested in it at all, as it was juice and something you drank, not interesting to a person using needles! He had started MMT a few months before me, at this point I didn't know him. We started seeing each other a year into our recovery and have been going strong since. Our heads are in the same place regarding recovery, so it works!

The stigma attached to methadone is unbelievable, if used as a bridge for those with severe addictions, mental health issues, disease, years of drug abuse and having tried many different ways to be rid of the lifestyle addiction places you in, it can work.

 We have seen many people in the clinic who have only been addicted to opiates for a short time and have never tried other options at kicking the habit, addiction hasn't even yet ruined their life and these people should really consider other treatment forms first! Some they are their soley to get it as a crutch between their next high, it is difficult for doctors to screen people and sort out who has or hasn't a severe addiction, people lie as they do at any doctors office just to get what they want. 

You must have a strong desire to succeed in treatment and methadone should be used in conjunction with some form of counselling/therapy to help you identify underlying issues that could cause you to slide back into addiction.

Methadone is the choice of those seeking treatment, as it is with someone going to an in-patient facility or choosing to go cold turkey, nothing is pushed on them, if they feel that's the treatment for them then that is their choice. Anyone who is looking into treatment should thoroughly research their options, that being said here are the pro's and con's of methadone maintenance treatment:

Pros:

• Allows you to focus on cleaning up your life right now, such as getting off the streets, getting to work, getting/keeping your kids, etc
• Allows you to begin living without worry of withdrawals until you feel as though you are strong enough to begin a taper, you are not rushed to taper.
• You can break the habits that come with addiction.
• Improves your health and well-being all around
• Lowers criminal activity associated with feeding your habit.
• Many times addictions and mental health issues go hand in hand, methadone allows you to focus on those issues before having to deal with the physical withdrawals of addiction. Without doing that your chances of relapsing and possibly falling deeper into despair are much higher.
• Methadone has been used for 45 years, effectively and there are many studies that show this.
• Don't have to wake up to that sick feeling everyday
• Don't have to go hunting for pills every day, finding money, finding a place to do the drugs, etc. (Wheeling and dealing!)
• Allows you to find a stable dose, unlike being on fentanyl, morphine, etc., where you need to continually increase dose to feel same effect
• You drink methadone once a day, rather than using needles which could possibly be contaminated, thus contracting diseases such as Hep 'C', HIV, Etc. You no longer have to worry about dangerous infections from abscesses.
• Methadone is much more preferable than trying to quit, relapsing, trying to quit and so on. Each time this happens your chances of overdosing are high. On methadone you no longer have to worry about that and come off slowly while leading a normal life.
• Methadone stabilizes the brain chemistry that has been destroyed during drug abuse.
• Methadone eases the worry of not knowing exactly what is in the drugs you are buying, as methadone is dispensed from a certified pharmacy.
• You do not get high and are able to function normally without looking like a drug addict.
• You can hold down a job, own a home and raise a family, which was impossible for some to do while in the depth of addiction.
• Allows you to stay in treatment longer and receive proper care.
• The cost is much cheaper than what your addiction may have cost you
• Methadone does not cause a euphoric rush
• Methadone is a great harm reduction tool

Cons:

• The stigma that surrounds methadone is sometimes a barrier to receiving treatment.
• Side effects such as sweating, weight gain, libido loss, etc (Some side effects will not occur if your dose is fairly low, higher doses increase chance of some of these side effects, but not in all cases)
• Some of these side effects can really affect your relationship and cause extra problems you don't need while in recovery
• Overdose can happen if you take other pills in combination with methadone, or take more than you are prescribed. This happens usually in the beginning of treatment when you still haven't reached a stable dose to keep you drug free (We continued using until we reached that level, but overdose was possible each time we took pills and due to the "Blocking effect" (antagonist) methadone has. You take more pills until you feel them. This is dangerous!
• The possibility of losing employment if screened for drugs, as some people consider methadone to be illegal and illicit. There is much stigma in being employed as a methadone patient
• You are forever going to the clinic until you can receive carries or take-homes
• You have to make arrangements to go out of town. So you are kind of limited as to where and what you can do I.e camping, job related travel, Etc. If you do not have carries and have to dose daily, you are unable to go, unless your clinic/pharmacy is lenient and allows you to carry a day or two.
• Transportation costs/finding ways to get your dose for some people living in rural areas or if your town does not allow methadone clinics/pharmacies.
• Having to plan your life around the methadone clinic.

Despite the drawbacks of methadone, it is better than the lifestyle of addiction and the pros far outweigh the cons. Again, always research a treatment option rather than jumping straight into it. We have written an article on our blog,themethadonemaze.blogspot.ca, called "Who should or shouldn't take methadone" and it can be helpful in seeing if methadone is a choice for you. We hope this has been helpful and we hope it helps at least one person take a positive step in the right direction.

Published on ezine here acceptadapt.com

Being A Pregnant Recovering Addict on Methadone

It's really hard for me to be open to people about being on methadone because of the negative stigma attached to it and now that I'm pregnant its even worst. Most people who aren't well informed about methadone seem to automatically think I'm a bad mother or that theirs going to be something wrong with my baby. I've personally seen many people on methadone have babies and all of them were perfect little bundles of joy. Being on meth is better than being on drugs and stopping meth or tapering off could lead to a miscarriage so trust me when I say I've looked into it and I'm doing the best I can for my little baby. I was tapering off before I got pregnant but I stopped when I found out because I didn't want to cause anymore stress on the baby and my body then it was already going through.

That being said its not easy being on methadone, my pharmacy totally screwed up my dose couple weeks ago and I went into major withdrawal for a week because they refused to fix it until my next pick up date. I hadn't felt that bad in a very long time. I can't explain the symptoms to someone whose never had them but I promise you their terrible and being pregnant made it all that much worst. I couldn't even take anything for it besides Tylenol which didn't really help and I was hesitant to take even that.

I've been taken by surprise by how much people expect pregnant women to follow these strict rules and get judge so negatively if they don't. Their so many dos and donts that I wasn't even aware of and how harsh some people can be if they find out your not doing or avoiding certain things. For example, the big issue about smoking when pregnant is so frowned upon that women posting in forums asking for advice on how to cut down or quit are met with rude comments. If their reactions were that rude to smoking I can just imagine how bad it would be if someone were to mention they were on methadone.

These people say things like just quit its your babies life, don't you care, your such a bad mother. Do they not know how these comments can really affect a pregnant hormonal person who's already worrying her but off about her babies health and safety. Like if it was that easy don't you think they would of done it already. I honestly think as a society we need to lay off the judgement and instead help each other out and accept peoples choices, that includes even me. Most of us are just doing the best we can and the judging doesn't help. I always try an remember that when I feel like judging someone for doing things differently than me.

This Post was Published On KLEN + SOBR Go Check it out :)

I've found that it helped to know as much as possible about methadone and pregnancy so I could answer any comments or questions people gave me. What I've found is this:

Is methadone safe for my baby?

Methadone treatment for pregnant women has been studied for the past 40 years and is considered the “gold standard” of treatment for pregnant women with opiate use disorder. Most babies born exposed to methadone have withdrawals and the hospital has medications to help the baby stay comfortable and manage withdrawal symptoms. If you stop using opiates suddenly you could miscarry, therefore it’s important to enter treatment if you are using illicit opiates or continue your medication-assisted treatment if you were in treatment when you became pregnant.

What if I want to taper off methadone?
Tapering is not recommend while you are pregnant, but you can always talk the medical staff at your treatment center about this issue. Being pregnant can be a very exciting and wonderful experience, but it can also be very stressful and scary. Tapering can add to that stress and some people have urges to use when they taper, even when they aren’t pregnant. Many pregnant patients feel it’s not worth the chance of relapsing, feeling withdrawals, and possibly miscarriage, so they decide to discuss tapering options after they give birth.

What about my dose…should I try to stay below a certain amount?

The most important thing to think about is how are you feeling physically. It’s important to take a dose of methadone that will keep you from having withdrawals or cravings for 24 hours (we call this a therapeutic level of methadone). When you first begin methadone treatment it may take a bit of time before you reach a therapeutic level. There is no certain number of milligrams you should try to stay below. There is no clear evidence that if you stay below a certain level of methadone will guarantee your infant will not have withdrawal symptoms.

Because of the changes in your body during pregnancy, it’s not uncommon for women to need an increase in their methadone during the third trimester. With that said, you can most likely return to your pre-pregnancy dose after you deliver.

http://www.methadoneandpregnancy.com/?page_id=21#1

Explaining this too people who might judge me for being on methadone or tell me to stop seems to have helped and I hope it helps you also. Its also important to remember that some people minds can't be change as they rather stay close minded and set in their ways so dont let people opinions affect you too much. I know its hard I'm still having problems with this.

Charmed

The Unexpected Surprise! I'm Pregnant!

I didn't see this one coming that's for sure. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me being pregnant. I would have said no way, not possible, I have to finish my last year of university first. I thought I was being careful but in the heat of the moment when I thought I couldn't possibly ovulating 2 days after my period ended so we slipped and boom I'm pregnant from just that one time. It's true it only takes that one time. We’re guessing the baby was conceived between the 24th to the 26th of February, and the first day of my last period was on the 18th of February. I'm happy it’s with someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I know he will make an amazing father. We were already planning on getting married right after my graduation in the summer of 2015 and having kids shortly after that. It just happened a little sooner than anticipated which will be hard on my schooling but hopefully still doable. Finishing my school is really important to me since I've already spent four years in university and racked up a pretty big debt I got a lot invested in finishing. Thankfully my hubby doesn't mind finding a job that will give him the hours he needs to be at home while I'm at school or taking parental leave.

Even though this was a pretty big unexpected surprise that we weren't ready for, when I took the first test a little early, 2-3 days after my expected period, and it turned out negative I was a little disappointed. Although relieved because I knew this wouldn't be the right time I still longed for a family. It’s something I wanted and I suppose that's probably the reason we weren't as careful as we could have been. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason. When the second test turned positive I was sitting in the bathroom and a big smile came across my face. Trying to hold the smile back I walk up to my hubby with the straightest face I could muster up and handed him the pee stick he had just went and bought for me. I couldn't believe how happy he was, like I knew he wanted a family with me but we have only been together since January. I can't believe how fast things are moving and I think that's a major reason why I'm nervous and a little scared. I'm happy, nervous, scared, excited, and anxious and all these other emotions combined. I've been so emotional lately I feel extra sensitive and things hurt me easily. I'm also easily irritated and bitchy. I believe and hope that the hormones are the reason with have been arguing more lately. It's so stressful and scares me all the more. I don't want a child around all this arguing so I really hope this is just a phase.

Well I got referred to an OBGYN by my methadone doctor and he is sending me to get blood work done sometime next week. I was going down on my meth but started feeling really sick this past week so went back up again to the dose I was originally at. As for the baby, he is due Nov 26th and we think it might be a boy but either way we want both so it doesn't really matter. We have picked Ethan for a boy and Autumn or Alexis for a girl. I can't wait to go for the ultra sound but that's not for another couple weeks since I'm only 6 weeks pregnant. My mom bought me a pregnancy journal that I've already started filling out and we told quite a few people already which has me a little worried because anything can happen in the first 3 months. The stresses about money that I blogged about, aren't helping both because he isn’t working yet and my student loans are all gone. Plus the fact that we have over 1000$ in bills kind of has me freaking out. So I'm hoping I sell a couple of the healing trees I made on eBay and make some extra money. I am working all weekend, Friday to Monday, not sure how that's going to be on the body especially with the methadone not being adjusted to what I needed at yet. I feel nauseous and tired often. Well I hope all goes well and things get better. Fingers crossed.

Guest Post: Depression & Addiction

This is a Guest Post from a wonderful strong woman in her 40s who would like to remain anonymous  This post really shows how depression can lead to addiction and how addiction can make depression worst after a while.

As a teenager I struggled with depression, not knowing it at the time I was very confused. I was the youngest of 9 kids. This was back in 1979 when I first swallowed a full bottle of pain medication only to wake up throwing up and not telling anyone about it. Not too long after, at the age of 19 I met my future husband, who in my mind was exactly what I needed. He had access to wonderful drugs and my ticket out of depression. My marriage lasted 12 years and we had 2 children together. After all the partying and depression I still managed to raise my kids with good morals, self respect and confidence. I am very proud of my children but not of myself as much. Needless to say I self medicated to try to fix myself. To fix the unhappiness I felt. I finally got some help at 33 and was put on the anti depressant Paxil. Thats when I took time off work and separated from my now ex husband.

I was clean from drugs for a good 5 years and had my third child before I relapsed. A year of postpartum depression got me into drugs again. I had been heavy into drugs for about 4 months when I had my second suicide attempt. After that I got into therapy for about 2 years and managed to leave my second failed relationship with the father of my third child. I also got on the methadone program for 5 and a half years and eventually with the help of my doctor I was able to ween myself off methadone. It took me 3 attempts to finally get off and my third attempt was successful because I dropped my dosage by 2 mg each week for a year and a half. In the end, for the last 2 months I got daily migraines, for which the doctor prescribed both Tylenol and Ibuprofen  It will be a year at the end of May 2013 that I've been off methadone and off my anti depressants that I had been on for 13 years. I'm very proud of it!

My Life On Pain Killers

I know I've talked about my addiction to Pain Killers before but this video explains more about the day to day life when I was addicted. I used to snort Oxycontin daily and could not function with out them. I got addicted at a young age and I even had perks prescribed to me pretty easily for my tooth. Its hard for someone who isn't an addict to understand the pain we addicts are in and how our minds are literally unable to think about anything else until we get our fix. It comes to the point where its not even about the high anymore we just want to function without pain. I would wake up and not be able to think, eat, or even get out of bed without a pill. I was in the worst physical pain I had ever been in. It was just a continuous, none stop, nagging pain deep in my bones and muscles. It felt like torture. The emotional pain which is soo terrible also comes back ten time worst but its nothing compared to the physical pain. All of the pain was unbearable and I don't know what I would of done with out methadone. At lease now that I've been able to learn the coping skills necessary to stop using because I've had time to think without pain. Something I could of never done before. And now that I'm better of spirit and mind I can work towards slowly getting off methadone with the supervision and help of a doctor.

Charmed

My Struggles as a Recovering Addict

At the moment, I'm renting a room in an apartment in the semi-basement (big windows) of a nice lady. I was living with my boyfriend, but I just needed to get out of that toxic environment. I'm not exactly ready to talk about the shit that happened, it was messy, emotional and very confusing. Every time I try to talk about it I feel like it doesn't make sense. I just don't see the situation clearly anymore or I'm not strong enough to deal with it.

I'm constantly second guessing myself, one day I'm thinking I'm being manipulated and lied to, and the next I feel like I'm too demanding and I'm the problem. Relationships have always been an issue for me. I'd love to fix it but I just have no idea where to start. I've been trying to spend more time at home to distance myself lately so I can see the situation clearer. I love staying at home, but I don't have any friends in the area so it gets lonely on weekends. I had the idea that maybe getting a little dog would help keep me company.

Now after thinking about it long and hard I'm still not sure if I'm ready to commit. It's a lot of responsibility and I don't know if my life is stable enough right now. My feelings change so much from day to day it's hard to make any decision for the near future. I've always loved animals but its dogs I have a real passion for. I rarely cry during movies but if anything happens to a dog I actually start to cry. Fuck the humans right, it's the dogs that really matter. Just kidding. Dogs are just so innocent and helpless. For example, the movie 8 below made me cry like a baby.

Yesterday I had a dog come over to see if she would be comfortable around me, she's a timid little thing. She's an adorable half poodle and half chihuahua, the perfect size for what I'm looking for. I'm just scared to rush into it without being 100% sure I have the time and energy to give the dog the attention it deserves. 

The owner was very understanding about giving me time to think it over to make sure I was doing the right thing and she said if I wanted to have another visit with the dog before deciding she would bring her over again. She had even offered to give her to me for free when she had originally planned to sell her for 200$. What was really holding me back is how tired I am lately and how doing normal everyday things like going to school, doing groceries, getting to the doctor, the dentist and to get my methadone is already difficult for me.

I feel so drained of energy no matter what I do and I think it's been like that since I quit drugs but it feels like its gotten worst. I don't want to believe that my past drug use is still affecting me and my everyday life but it is. It's hard to talk to anyone about this because I'd have to explain to them my previous drug use or that the medication I'm taking for it might be making me tired. 

So making new friends, keeping appointments, going to school, keeping up with essays and finding a way to work without revealing anything can be extremely difficult. Even seeing old friends who know that part of me makes me nervous because I wasn't able to make new friends for fear of judgement I haven't socialized in a while and I'm also nervous to be put in an uncomfortable situation.

The social stigma and judgement surrounding addicts makes it almost impossible to tell anyone what I'm going through. The mistrust, the doubts, the looks of pity and the thoughts that I'm weak are sometimes too much to bare. It's a very real issue that addicts face and it hinders our recovery. Put aside the actual addiction to drugs and it's still extremely hard to get sober and stay sober because of the judgement that prevent us from reaching out. My heart goes out to all of you out there struggling with this.

If you like this Post you can subscribe here to get a weekly email notification when a new post comes out.

If you want to know more about the social stigma surrounding addicts I recommended this article that I read.  social-stigma-and-barriers-to-recovery

PS. Check out my Handmade Crystal Healing Trees 

Sincerely,
Charmed

My Addiction Story Summarized

I've taken my most important posts and summarized them to explain my addiction and recovery.

I believe it started when my parents separated.  Being such a daddy's girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn't in my life as much. The insults back and forth between my parents and the pain they were in upset me. It felt like my whole world came crashing down. I felt like I’d been lied to and resented everyone for it, so I started rebelling. It’s a common fact that teenagers rebel but for me it started a bit earlier than. I was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry very easily. I felt like no one understood me and people saw me as being spoiled which didn't help because I felt the opposite of spoiled. Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious, I was really hurt and people didn't seem to notice that. So I started staying out late, smoking cigarettes, hanging out with the wrong people and that was about it for a while.

Living on my own at 15 was like the coolest thing, at the time. It was the hang out spot, old friends admired, new friends multiplied. But they weren't really friends were they. Just more people taking advantage of a spot to hang out while getting high. Although I was actually pretty strict with whom I let come in my place. I was selling at the time and didn't want the attention by having known criminals seen coming out of my place. I had all the drugs I wanted and I felt on top of the world. Not depending on anyone for my next pill or my next line. I had a nice and actually clean place. I felt like I still had control of my life, oh how fast things change. Nothing last forever, as they say. It went from being able to stop and go to bed, to the never ending feeling of wanting more. A debt was accumulated and my selling career was over. Now faced with not having a steady supply to feed my addiction, I realize how much I needed it. My body cries out for more. The aches and pain take over any control I have over my mind.

I started doing Percocets once in a while at 13 years old.  Back before anyone knew what they were in my small town I got my hands on a few. But thankfully I ended up moving to my dad’s before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke when my dad offered me some at 14. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms, what I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount every day. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we would be able to relax and go to bed after a night of doing coke. At that point I couldn't really go without coke but I could go without oxys. Well that’s until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.

Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were too severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. So now that I didn’t have withdrawals anymore it became all about doing coke. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself anymore, so I quit coke for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't as bad because it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.

I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. . I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and accept what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed because I learned to deal with these thoughts and memories that haunted me.

There are some things we need to remember so that we may grow and learn from them. Unfortunately some memories don't have any purpose besides making us feel bad about ourselves. These memories have a tendency to creep up on us when we less expect it. Most of the time it happens to me when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. I start to toss and turn, remembering the awful things I did or awful things that were done to me. I replay it in my head over and over thinking of the things that could have been done differently. These are toxic memories and we all need to find ways to get rid of them and think positive.

What I've learned during my recovery is that when these thoughts happen I have to remember all the things I've accomplished since being sober. This definitely became easier the longer I was sober because I had more things to be proud of as time went on. As soon as I was on the methadone program and had my withdrawals under control I started working towards my high school diploma. I did it by correspondence so I could stay at home and get better but still do something I could be proud of and gave me hope for the future. I believe the only way I was able to get sober without any therapy, rehab or detox was due to the methadone program. Nothing else worked for me before then because my withdrawals would take over any determination I had to stop.

It took me a little over a year to get completely clean after starting methadone. The program only fixed part of the problem. I had to fix my way of thinking on my own and no amount of medication would do that for me. Although I agree therapy would have helped once the withdrawals were gone.  I'm not exactly sure why I never committed to weekly therapy but it might have to do with how terrible I am at keeping appointments. What did help in its place was reading books which did a great deal to take my mind off negative things. Also keeping a journal and having my mom to talk too made a huge difference. I really felt like she understood me and I hardly ever felt judged.

I often wonder if I did the right thing getting on methadone, or if I just took the easy way out. At the time it wasn't even a decision. It kind of just happened. Well not that easy of course but in my mind there wasn't any other possibility. It was either that or keep doing what I was doing to keep the withdrawals away. On way or another I had to keep the pain and withdrawals at bay. I didn't know any other way. I even tried doing a bit less oxys everyday and gradually stop that way, but it didn't work at all. Everything just seemed so futile and hopeless. The more I fucked up in my life by doing stupid things to feed my addiction, the more I wanted to get fucked up to forget about it. A vicious cycle. (Forgiving myself was an essential part of my recovery but that only happened after Id been on methadone for a while.)

So I finally got to see a methadone doctor after months of waiting. It wasn't easy getting an appointment since the doctor was out of town. I had to travel there twice a week for the first couple months and finding a ride wasn't easy. On top of that I had to go to pharmacy every day, freezing wind, pouring rain, cold snow, extreme heat with no car or city buses, I had to find a ride or walk there and back. That doesn't include holidays when their hours were so  short I sometimes didn't make it in time or when I had to leave where ever I was like work or school to go to the pharmacy. The doctor even screwed up sometimes, or sent my prescription out of town on the wrong day, and I didn't get my medication. Those days Id be in incredible pain. I wish someone would have told me what I was getting into. How hard it was going to be to quit methadone or to go without it for even just a day. Even now when I only need to go to pharmacy once a week I still feel trapped.  I can’t go anywhere for more than a week. I've thought of getting away from everything, go work far away for a summer, get to see new places, out of country even, but then I realize how difficult that would be if I'm still on methadone. I've been slowly lowering my methadone hoping to be able to do something adventurous this summer. Hoping is the key word here because I've tried going down before, more than once. What always seems to happen is I go down to fast then my body starts hurting, I can’t sleep and I'm always tired. In short I don't function well, so I give up and return to the same amount of methadone I was originally at before going down.

Now I'm going down slowly and it’s been going ok but there were moments where I didn't feel good and I really thought about going up again. Thankfully, I was able to hold on and not go up again. Instead Id stay at that amount for a while to get use to it. I know if it weren't for methadone I wouldn't even have the state of mind to dream about travelling or to go to school or to even have a life in general so I'm really grateful. I can’t expect it to be easy or to magically get fixed, good things require effort and determination. I have to take the good with the bad and hope that I'm strong enough to get off it eventually. Its ironic how the one thing that freed me is also keeping me trapped, but honestly it could be worst at lease now my minds my own and I have a chance at life.

Charmed

Drug of Choice

One addiction often leads to another. 

The first time I did cocaine I was 14 years old and I got addicted pretty fast. As for oxycotin, it was more of a sneaky addiction. At 13 years old, back before anyone knew what they really were, I got my hands on a few percocets. I did them once in a while when they were available to me and I  happen moved to my dads before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke and started getting addicted. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms because I knew I'd be better taken care of, their be food and quiet home to relax in, not like when I was at my dads. What I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount everyday. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we be able to relax and go to bed after we were done doing coke for the night. At that point I couldn't go with out coke but I could go without oxys, that's until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.


Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were to severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. At first it was all about doing coke since I didn't have any more withdrawals for oxys. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself any more, so I quit for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't at bad because  it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.


I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and  except what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed.

Charmed

We Cant Help Who We Love

We cant help who we love, sometimes its just fate.
Despite all the issues we face as a couple there's no denying I feel very strongly about him. Theirs good and theirs bad in almost every relationship. So in this post Ill try and focus on the good. I know that I don't want to be with him because I don't want to be alone. I've had plenty of chances to date someone else, its not that at all. I do love him, truly or I wouldn't be there. I often go out of my way to make him happy and I never really did that in any other relationship. He goes out of his way to make me happy even if he complains. He cares and he there when I need him. We all have our faults, god knows I got mine. But he makes me happy and that's what counts even if its not all the time. Nothings perfect all the time. He also understands what I've been through since were both recovering addicts and we both have childhood issues. Were also both on methadone and were both clean. If nothing else I know his clean (not like my last relationship). We had both been clean and single for a while. We had also both been in a long and serious relationship that didn't end well.

The way we met was like fate.
We both didn't take the city bus very often and when we did it was rarely at the same time. We also weren't very often downtown near the bus station but two days in a row we ran into each other. I remember it like it was yesterday. The first day we met I was waiting for the bus after going to see the doctor when he came up to me out of no where and asked for the time. (Back then it didn't occur to me that he had a cell phone with the time, he was obviously trying to start a conversation, I still blush when I think about it today). Well that's how our conversation started. I don't know what came over me but I couldn't stop talking. I talked about school and how I couldn't wait to start working so I could take care of my family (my parents and brothers). He listened and asked questions like he was actually interested. ( I really miss that, he doesn't seem that interested anymore). Then I got off the bus and that was that, I though Id never see him again. (He told me later on he thought about giving me his number but he didn't know how to bring it up.) The next day I was walking back to the bus stop after going to the pharmacy (to pick up my methadone for the week) and he happened to cross in front of me without seeing me. I usually would of been to shy to say Hey but that day it just came out and we started talking while I waited for my bus. We didn't get to talk very long before my bus arrived, having our conversation cut short, he was brave enough to ask me if I wanted his number.

What are the chances of us meeting again the very next day. It wasn't like us to be in town two days in a row and it wasn't like me to open up so fast to someone and keep a conversation going, I'm usually pretty shy at first. It definitely was faith. I remember getting on the bus right after getting his number and wanting to text him right away but something inside me told me to wait. So a little over two weeks later I finally texted him and he asked me out on a date. I kept pushing the day we were suppose to go on the date because I was either to nervous, not sure or busy with school. Finally two weeks later we went on our first date to the movies. I remember he did the cutest thing while we were watching the movie. I turned to look at him because I felt his eyes on me and he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes of course and I thought he was such a gentlemen for asking. And that's when I knew he would get a second date.

Its not like I did it on purpose but I look back on it and realize I was being "hard to get". I didn't make it easy for him but he was really determined. And it was that his very determination to be with me that won me over. It showed me that I was worth the effort to him and nothing compares to that feeling. For the first time I took it slow and everything fell in place perfectly. There's a lot of good in our relationship. I just have a hard time seeing it sometimes. Loving someone is easy its the relationship part that requires work. This relationship has shown me a different part of myself that I didn't know before. It thought me the depth of my qualities and how vast they are. The most difficult situations tested my true capacity to love. Its changed the the way I see things, its not just about me anymore. Love means +1.

If you like this post visit my other blog Learning how 2 Luv @ http://learninghow2luv.blogspot.ca/

Charmed

Methadone: Love Hate Relationship

I often wonder if I did the right thing getting on methadone, or if I just took the easy way out. At the time it wasn't even a decision. It kinda just happened. Well not that easy of course but in my mind there wasn't any other possibility. It was either keep doing what I was doing, to keep the withdrawals away. I didn't know any other way. I even tried doing a bit less oxys everyday and gradually stop that way, but it didn't work at all. Everything just seemed so futile and hopeless. The more I fucked up in my life by doing stupid things to feed my addiction, the more I wanted to get fucked up to forget about it. Vicious circle. (Forgiving myself was an essential part of my recovery but that only happened after Id been on methadone for a while.)

So I finally got to see a methadone doctor after months of waiting. It wasn't easy getting an appointment since the doctor was out of town. I had to travel there twice a week for the first couple months and finding a ride wasn't easy. On top of that I had to go to pharmacy everyday, freezing wind, pouring rain, cold snow, extreme heat with no car or city buses, I had to find a ride or walk there and back. That doesn't include holidays when their hours were short and I didn't make it in time or when I had to leave work or school or where ever to go to the pharmacy. The doctor even screwed up sometimes, or sent my prescription out of town on the wrong day, and I didn't get my medication. Those days Id be in incredible pain. I wish someone would of told me what I was getting into. How hard it was going to be to quit methadone or to go with out it for even just a day. Even now when I only need to go to pharmacy once a week I still feel trapped. Like I cant go anywhere for more than a week. I've thought of getting away from everything, go work far away for a summer, get to see new places, out of country even, but then I realise how difficult that would be if I'm still on methadone. I've been slowly lowering my methadone hoping to be able to do something adventurous this summer. Hoping is the key word here because I've tried going down before, more then once. What always seems to happen is I go down to fast then my body starts hurting, I cant sleep and I'm always tired. So I give up and return to the same amount of methadone as before. In short I don't function well.

Now I'm going down slowly and its been going oki but there were moments were I didn't feel good and I really thought about going up again. Thankfully, I was able to hold out and not go up again. Instead Id stay at that amount for a while to get use to it. I know if it weren't for methadone I wouldn't even have the state of mind to dream about travelling or to go to school or to even have a life in general so I'm really grateful  I cant expect it to be easy or to magically get fixed, good things require effort and determination. I have to take the good with the bad and hope that I'm strong enough to get off it eventually. Its ironic how the one thing that freed me is also keeping me trapped, but honestly it could be worst at lease now my minds my own. The lesser evil, as they say.

Charmed

PS: If you want to know more about how its like being on Methadone theirs this great Blog Called Methadone Maze, Go Check it out :)