Thursday, May 09, 2013

Photo Album: The Perfect Way to Get Stuck in the Past

Photo Albums. We all have them but how many of us actually look through them? And how often? Does it bring a good feeling or does it bring longing for a moment that has long past us? Should we even look through them? They say not to get caught up in your past, but then why do we have photo albums? These are the questions that went through my mind when I found a couple old photo albums late one night. It’s hard to describe the feeling I got when I was going through the albums that contain my memories.

I find myself thinking, how can I compete with that. Are my best days already past? Sometimes I see the possibilities missed, other times I long for that confident girl who always had fun. Always I wish that my present would be as worth remembering as those moments in my past. When I look into that past I realize just how much I'm wasting my present by not making the most of it. Too damaged to take the risks needed to make it all worthwhile.

My addiction has made me weary and cautious. I have become a shadow of myself. I felt like I had lost myself along the way and that I desperately need to find that girl again. Recovery has been great, way better than even the best day of my addiction but I’m human and I’m still learning to not be scared of taking chances. This isn’t always easy because part of my recovery was to avoid taking chances and I’m still learning the balance between the chances worth taking and the ones to avoid.

 I’m realizing that I won’t always know what situation I’m getting into when it comes to meeting new people and going new places but that’s a chance I need to take if I am to make friends and become more confident like I was in the photos. Having friends is important because what are memories without friends to share them. Recovery doesn’t come without its challenges, something recovering addicts know well.

Finally last weekend brought me a little bit of hope that I might do more with my life than just staying at home and going to school or work. Since its way easier to meet new people when you’re with a friend I'm hoping getting together with an old friend will bring more fun into my life. Don't get me wrong I do a lot of things that make me happy but they are things I do by myself. I feel like I need to get out and socialize. There’s something important and special about bonding with others that can’t be found alone at home.

Like last weekend when I spent time with my long time best friend who I hadn’t seen in a very long time. That reminded me how important friends are and how much I missed her. I just really hope there's a lot more of those good times ahead especially with summer almost here it’s the perfect time to make new memories. I just have to push myself out of my comfort zone and try not to let my past addiction make me wary of new situations or being out with people. I won’t always know what I’m in for, but I need to take chances if I’m to make the rest of my life the best of my life.


PS: This was also published on the Challenging Addiction Blog