Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A Recovering Addicts Fear of Change

I'm re-posting this because I find the topic important. Hope you enjoy!

I watched the movie Eat Pray Love tonight and it definitely became one of my all time favorites  It made me think of how much we struggle to hold on to our present situation, it being good or bad makes no difference. All we want is to stay in the safety of the familiar even if it makes us unhappy. Its funny how all this is usually about wanting to be safe but in wanting to be safe we put ourselves in danger of being unhappy. 

How easy t is to stay in the constant rather than move on to the unknown. The fear of being alone, of the unknown or of failing can paralyses us to stay exactly where we are and we don't even realize it. As miserable as it makes us we rather stay in the familiar. Our fear of change can be of either our relationship status (which is the case for me), or of moving, changing jobs, having kids, growing up. This never ending list keeps us trapped and unable to grow and experience the wonders that could be.

Even knowing this, I'm still here, in a relationship where I'm more unhappy than happy lately. I am so very good at fooling myself into believing that everything is ok. But the truth is, it hasn't been ok in a very long time. How so very tired I am of giving my everything and being left with nothing. I don't like thinking about this because I'm a usually a happy positive person and this makes me sad. 

How very strongly I struggle to stay exactly where I am, as irrational as it may be. I'd like to make a promise to myself here and now that I'll make the change. But I've made this promise to myself so many times before and I've lost hope of a follow through on my part. I haven't been single since I was 14 years old and I just don't know how to be alone anymore. If I had friends near me I believe it would really help because I need people around me even if it's not every day. 
Making new friends just isn't the same because they don't really know me, they don't know the hard things I've been through, how big my heart is, how sensitive I am even if I don't show it. If they don't know this then I feel like I need to constantly explain myself. And I wouldn't ask of anyone who hasn't been a long time friend to be a support system if I hadn't had the chance to be there for them in the past.

I've been trying to find myself these last couple months, taking joy in the time I have alone, exploring the different things that make me happy like drawing, blogging or reading. I've been focusing on my strengths and make myself constantly remember them so that I may find courage to work on my weaknesses. I've also been trying to keep in contact with the people around me instead of ignoring everyone's calls. I've come to realize just how much friends can be a great support in times of need. 

When the fear of change finds its way to me I can find strength to go on from the people around me. Making me regret that I've pushed people away this long for fear that they just wouldn't understand me or that they would ask too much of me. I think that if I can get a good support system I'll be able to be single if that's what I have to do. All this is still a work in progress but I'm hoping I can be strong enough one day to do what needs to be done.