Saturday, March 29, 2014

Addiction Recovery Reflections

Bearing it all out there, flaws and all for everyone to see, as my first step to changing and growing and this started all because of that one special person in my life that I want to make feel love and worth it beyond what mere words can express. You make me want to be a better person.

One Must Know In Order to Grow,
In Order to Grow One Must Know.

I've known for a while now that I have a couple major flaws that affect many areas of my life but most of all my close relationships. I'm very stubborn, I have a hard time taking blame or responsibility and I assume things which end up hurting me. I know this is brought on by deep emotional insecurities of not being good enough. I assume that people think the worst because that's how I see myself and I can't take blame because that will somehow make me less. I've been trying to change the way I see myself and value myself more so that I might be able to be confident enough to take responsibility and not to assume the worst. This really trying to change only came about recently when I fell in love with someone just as stubborn as me. This makes arguments very, very intense but so is our love for each other and that's the reason why I want to change instead of giving up. In the past I've been in relationships with men who eventually learnt to let me win arguments so I've never had reason to change. It’s extremely hard for me to own up to something especially when I feel like the other person played their part in it also. Part of this is because of my trust issues and feel like if I give in that maybe I'm being manipulated. I feel like they’re the reason I felt and acted that way and that's what makes it difficult for me to own up to it. I know that way of thinking is part of the problem and instead of thinking that way I need to start accepting the fact that although their actions caused me to feel a certain way it wasn't their intention to make me feel that way. I need to accept that fact and own up to over reacting or taking it the wrong way. But what would be even better would be to prevent the whole situation by simply not assuming or jumping to conclusions. I need to ask questions and get clarification in a calm manner and maybe avoid the argument in the first place. I know that this is the quick fix and still doesn't address the cause of the issue in the first place which would be my insecurity that I'm not good enough. This is a slow process for me and won’t be done overnight because this insecurity is rooted deep in me and I'm hypersensitive to the words and actions of the ones I care about. I need to find a way to get to the root cause of all this and decide what to do to change it. In order to grow one must first know.

Sincerely Charmed