Why Are So Many Recovering Addicts Suffering From Social Anxiety?

Is it Introversion Or Are We Suffering From Social Anxiety?

I think being an introvert makes it even harder to figure out if I suffer from social anxiety, especially if it isn't severe. Since being in recovery, I've had a hard time committing to social gatherings and I avoid talking on the phone like my life depends on it. However, I still enjoy hanging out with a few friends once in a while.

How Can a Pregnant Teacher Dismiss Postpartum Struggles

Some people just won’t take mental illness seriously! Surprisingly one of those people ended up being my psychology professor. You would think a pregnant psychology professor would be more sympathetic towards a new mom suffering from a mild case of postpartum depression, but no, not even a doctor’s note would make her sympathetic to my situation.

Being a new mom in recovery, I wasn’t going to self-medicate to make myself feel better just to keep up with her demands. What’s even more disturbing is that she continually made things harder for me and graded my work like she had a grudge against me. To this day I can only speculate as to what was going through her mind.

Was she thinking that postpartum depression was only temporary and common so it wasn’t that serious? Was she thinking the Doctor only had my word on how I was feeling and what I was experiencing so it was too subjective for her to take seriously? Maybe she thought I was exaggerating the situation or that I didn’t seem ill so it couldn't be that bad.

I guess some people think postpartum depression and other mental illnesses aren’t real. I don't understand why. Everyone's struggle is real for them. Sometimes we don't even know what's going on in our own minds so how are we supposed to explain it to someone else. I didn’t want to share my past with her and explain to her that I was a recovering addict and that made things all the more difficult for me. I seriously thought a doctor’s note would suffice.

Why Are People Trading Coke for Speed

I haven't been in the drug scene for a long time but even I've noticed speed pills growing popularity in my community. People seem to be ditching coke for amphetamines claiming it's cheaper and it last longer. Another major contributing factor to this trend was the bad coke that was being passed around. People eventually got fed up and looked for their high elsewhere.  They believe they know what they're getting when buying a pill because it can't be tampered with as easily as a powdered drug. That kind of thinking is dangerous. 

You can never really know all the ingredients in a pill sold on the streets but some people still believe this type of drug to be safer. If only they knew how similar amphetamine is to crystal meth maybe they wouldn't be so quick to deem it safer than cocaine. The more potent crystal meth breaks down into amphetamine once it gets metabolized in the body. The side effects of using either one of the drugs are dry mouth, dizziness, shakiness, insomnia, rapid heartbeat and can eventually cause mental psychosis.

Despite being less potent, amphetamines still have severe side effects such as becoming hostile, violent, and paranoid. They can also experience fevers, sweating, headaches, blurred vision, chest pain, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Not to mention amphetamine psychosis which I've recently seen in more than one of my old high school friends. I often wonder if they would have fared better if they would have just stayed with doing coke instead of switching to amphetamines. 

The symptoms of amphetamine psychosis can include hallucinations, paranoia, and bizarre and violent behavior. These symptoms are thought to go away once the person stops using the drug but sadly that isn't always the case. My old high school friends who did quit still experiences the paranoia and the bizarre behavior. Reality seems to be a little blurred for them.

I think it's important to get the severity of these symptoms out there with this growing speed trend things can only get worst. I hope I can share this information with as many people as possible and hopefully raise awareness of the dangers in using speed pills. I've seen the long term effect first hand and they aren't pleasant. Even when they reach sobriety their perceptions are altered and their relationships suffer. 

Let me know in the comments if you've also noticed a rise in amphetamine use or if you know anyone who's suffered long term effects from it.

You can also check out the very personal article I wrote on how I was able to escape addiction even though it runs in my family @ http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/breaking-the-family-cycle-of-addiction#  

Thanks

Charmed

Guest Post: Substance Abuse and Mental Illness

Substance Abuse and Mental Illness

Author: Jon Huynh

Mental illness in any form is very troubling for both individuals that have to cope with their own afflictions and also for those attempting to assist individuals with healing. This difficulty is a result of the complex nature of mental diseases which can be challenging for professionals to address-- let alone inexperienced friends and family members. Contributing greatly to this complexity is that a particular disease is often simultaneously a disease itself and a symptom of other illnesses.

This tangled relationship between different mental diseases means that they can often aggravate and serve as triggers for one another. Mental disease like depression can cause individuals to seek out mind and mood altering substances in a process commonly referred to as “self medicating”. Individuals do this in an attempt to alleviate the difficult circumstances of their affliction.This behavior is often associated with another mental disorder: addiction.

While addiction isn't exclusively limited to chemical substance abuse, this type of addiction is particularly dangerous because both behavior and the chemical substances have a powerful affect on mental stability. Substance abuse exacerbated by other mental illnesses like depression is difficult to treat because of the cycle that develops between the two. That is, depression drives an individual to self medicating, but the resulting addiction drives the individual back toward depression.

To make a full recovery, all aspects of mental illness and addiction have to be addressed.This means, individuals must first be properly diagnosed by a professional. Then, the individual’s unique addiction cycle must be addressed. Generally, this is done by treating the individual for their substance abuse itself and for any existing mental conditions which contribute to their cycle of abuse.

Mental Illness

Since mental illnesses can trigger, aggravate, and act as symptoms for other ailments, they are difficult to diagnose and treat. For example, an individual may be correctly diagnosed with depression, but depending on how they experience depression, they may also have bipolar, manic, or anxiety disorders as well. All of these types of disorders indicate some sort of chemical imbalances in the brain. For some, these imbalances may be temporary indicating that they are the result of circumstantial conditions like high amounts of stress or physical trauma. Though for others, these imbalances may be more permanent, alluding to a genetic predisposition or birth defect. Whatever the underlying causes, individuals suffering from these conditions often experience feelings of permanent hopelessness, regardless of their personal circumstances.

Some individuals may even recognize that something is wrong, but feel a complete inability to function because of the feelings of hopelessness and despair that are common with these types of diseases. These feelings can be the precursor for self medication, which is often the trigger for dependency and addiction. While individuals may feel temporary relief from some of the symptoms of their mental illness, substance abuse inevitably makes these symptoms worse, and ultimately much more difficult to treat.


Substance Abuse and Chemical Addiction

Addiction isn't exclusive to substance abuse. Individuals can become addicted to pornography, objects, food, and many other things. What makes substance abuse so dangerous is that both the chemical addiction and the behaviors associated with it can greatly alter an individual's mental and emotional stability. With chemical addiction, the focus is typically placed on how various chemicals affect the mind and body. In fact, the initial attraction individuals have to a particular substance is often how that chemical makes them feel when it alters their body chemistry.

For individuals suffering from depression, a drug may offer temporary relief from what is otherwise a permanent state of discomfort. However, this is precisely what makes substance abuse so dangerous. At first, it may seem as though the feelings of temporary relief are signs of a permanent solution. Additionally, an individual may feel like they are retaking control of their life because they are able to control how they feel through the use of the drug. However, the longer an individual uses a substance to alter their body and mind, the more dependent they become on that substance to function. In the long term, the body can become physically and mentally addicted to that substance, permanently altering brain chemicals and body functions for the worse.

While the seriousness of the chemical effects of substance abuse can’t be stressed enough, they are not the only debilitating factors of substance abuse. What is often overlooked about chemical addictions are the behavioral aspects of the disease and how they contribute to mental stress.

In a web article by Renaissance Recovery Center located here, they detail many behaviors that change in individuals over the course of chemical dependence and addiction. However, it isn't just the changes in an individual’s behavior that are so devastating. It is also the consequences that result from that new behavior. For example, Renaissance Recovery notes that: “. . . deterioration in appearance, personal hygiene. . . [and] job performance. . .” are all common behavioral changes that individuals might experience in their dependency. Notice that with or without substance abuse tied into the equation, these behaviors are typical indicators for-- and contributing factors to-- depression related mental illnesses.

Treating Mental Illnesses and Substance Abuse

Treating mental illnesses is difficult in the first place, but substance abuse greatly compounds the issue. If an individual does have a chemical addiction, then both the addiction and other mental illnesses must be treated in order for the individual to make a recovery. Additionally, addiction is itself a mental disorder and can become entangled in the grey area between symptom and affliction, much like other depression related mental illnesses. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult to diagnose and consequently effectively treat chemical dependency. This is why it is critical for individuals dealing with mental illness and chemical addiction to seek professional help. Inexperienced and unprofessional attempts to address these serious conditions can lead to permanently crippling circumstances.

If you or a loved one is experiencing the pains of mental illness and chemical dependency, please make an effort to contact a professional right away. There are a lot of organizations and resources that offer assistance in these matters. The aforementioned Renaissance Recovery Center is an example of a rehabilitation facility that regularly treats patients suffering from mental illness and drug addiction. Time is critical in these issues. Both mental illness and substance abuse are painful conditions, but substance abuse can also lead to permanent damage, including worsening mental illness. Do the right thing and take action to assist yourself, or a loved one that is in need. The road to recovery may seem painful, but it is nothing in comparison to the potential suffering that comes from long term substance abuse.

Why Rehab Would of Made Recovery Easier

Have you noticed that addiction is almost always accompanied by mental illness or some kind of trauma? I believe this is because addiction isn't the cause of our problems but a symptom of an underlying issue. We try to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol or some behavior to alleviate the distress caused by this trauma or mental illness. Being that addiction is a symptom of a much bigger issue I wish I would have gone to rehab and gotten the counselling I needed instead of doing it on my own. Receiving the proper treatment for the root cause of my addiction would of made my life so much easier. Getting clean and sober is just the beginning of our long journey back to sanity.

Rehabs can provide excellent support and counselling when you find a program suited to your needs. Not everyone's needs are the same and finding a rehab with counselors willing to adapt to your individual needs is essential for a successful recovery. Sadly, my small town didn't have a drug rehab facility and the counselling was very limited. When I couldn't find a program in my area that was flexible and adaptable to my needs I ended up having to do it on my own. If I only I would have known about a rehab that could meet my needs I might of mustered up the courage to go to an out of town rehab facility and saved myself so much time and grief.

There are some great rehab facilities like Advanced Health and Education in New Jersey that if would of been available to me at the time would of saved me a lot of relapses and given me the tools I needed to deal with life's struggles instead of seeking relief with my old habits. I was impressed with how Advanced Health takes the time to find the best course of addiction treatment for each patients individual needs taking into consideration factors such as the type and duration of addiction, mental illness, physical health, and personal and professional commitments which are all important factors to consider when deciding the most appropriate course of action.

I can only begin to imagine how helpful a program like that would have been for me. I'm over 6 years clean and I'm still struggling with some mental issues that lead to some not so good habits, even though they might not drug related they still effect my life on a daily basis. Some of these not so good habits are keeping my emotions in, blaming others and over sleeping to get away from it all. Figuring it all out on my own isn't easy but not having and not knowing about programs that would have taken into consideration my health and commitments like Advanced Health kept me from getting the best possible care. We definitely need more rehab facilities like Advanced Health and Education  and more importantly we need to know about them. 

I'm hoping by writing about this I can share the importance of getting the proper treatment and let people know about great rehab facilities that take into consideration individual needs. I'm going to be doing more research on different rehabs and counselling programs to share with all of you the ones I find to be some of the best. Please let me know in the comments below your experiences with treatment facilities. Thanks

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Thank you so much,
Charmed

Should us Addicts be in Prison ?

Lets just incarcerate everyone that does drugs and have them do drugs in prison instead. That way it will cost our government a boat load of money just for the peace of mind of everyone who hasnt been affected by drugs.

We do a lot of things when we are in active addiction that's against the law but is prison really the answer?

I remember when I had to go to court for check fraud when I was 16 and in the middle of my full blown addiction. I got a call from the police department that they wanted to talk to me. The check situation was completely out of my mind by that time so I went in not sure what to expect. They ended up treating me like a victim, acting like they felt sorry for me. Maybe it was because I was only sixteen and my boyfriend was 21. They even asked me if my boyfriend made me do it. I was honest and told them that no one made me do it I did it because I was addicted to drugs.

After informing me that I'd have to go to court because the store where I had cashed the checks was pressing charges they asked that I tell my boyfriend they also wanted to speak with him. Thankfully, the charges were eventually dropped although I'm still not sure why. I like to think it had something to do with us being young, addicted, and wanting to give us a chance to do better with our lives before giving us a criminal record. I know it's probably wishful thinking.

I'm happy that more addicts are getting sentenced with mandatory treatment instead of prison lately, but our jail population is still filled with too many addicts who aren't getting the proper treatment. Going to jail gives them the opportunity to get clean but once released the chances of relapse are extremely high. If you're like me and you believe that addiction is a mental health issue then wouldn't mandatory treatment be a better option for addicts. If we truly want to rehabilitate them and help them become productive members of society then addressing their addiction would be the best course of action.

Putting addicts in prison isn't actually fixing the problem it's only putting it on hold. Don't get me wrong some crimes do deserve jail time, no doubt about that, but if the crime was due to an addiction chances of them repeating that crime are extremely high if the addiction isn't treated properly. I think for the more severe crimes they should still get some jail time but with access to proper addiction treatment.

Our society should incorporate effective addiction treatments in all prisons. For the minor drug offenses mandatory treatment would be ideal. The influence of more hardcore criminals can be destructive to addicts who are only there for drug related offenses. People usually come out of prison with better connections and ways of committing crimes so keeping them separated could benefit everyone. I'm glad our society is finally recognizing the fact that addicts need real help, not just prison time.

What do you guys think. Let me know in the comments below.

Charmed.

Addiction Facts for Recovery Month Awareness

Being that September is the 25th annual Recovery Month I thought Id share some facts about addiction and recovery to raise some awareness. As a recovering addict I think its pretty neat that we have a whole month dedicated to recovery. The Recovery Month.Gov  has a bunch of info on recovery month if you want to check that out. 

This year’s theme, “Join the Voices for Recovery: Speak Up, Reach Out,” encourages people to openly speak up about mental and substance use disorders and the reality of recovery, and promotes ways individuals can use to recognize behavioral health issues and reach out for help. Recovery Month spreads the positive message that behavioral health is essential to overall health, that prevention works, treatment is effective and people can and do recover.

Share here: recoverymonth.gov/Voices-for-Recovery/Stories or like I have here heroesinrecovery.com

Also the ihavewill has started the lemon challenge to raise awareness. The challenge is to eat or suck on a lemon and keep a straight face and filming it to share with everyone. If you can keep a straight face keep eating. Its a fun challenge and a great way to raise awareness.

Now here are some facts :

(Click on a fact to be redirected to its source)

According to SAMHSA's National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 23.2 million persons (9.4 percent of the U.S. population) aged 12 or older needed treatment for an illicit drug or alcohol use problem in 2007. Of these individuals, 2.4 million (10.4 percent of those who needed treatment) received treatment at a specialty facility. Thus, 20.8 million persons (8.4 percent of the population aged 12 or older) needed treatment for an illicit drug or alcohol use problem but did not receive it. These estimates are similar to those in previous years.

• Addiction is a complex but treatable disease that affects brain function and behavior
• No single treatment is appropriate for everyone
• Many drug addicted individuals also have other mental disorders.
• In any given day, over 700,000 Americans seek treatment for alcohol or drug addiction.
• At least one-third of alcoholics fully recover.
• Using prescription drugs to combat alcohol dependency, in combination with treatment, boost the recovery success rate to 50 percent.
• Children who learn about the risk of drugs at home are up to 50 percent less likely to use drugs than those who are not taught about the dangers.
• Children of alcoholics are four times as likely to develop problems with alcohol.
• In 2008, 9.3 percent of youths aged 12 to 17 were current illicit drug users.
• Individuals treated for alcohol misuse are approximately 10 times more likely to commit suicide than those who do not misuse alcohol, and people who abuse drugs have about 14 times greater the risk for eventual suicide

Charmed  =)

Addiction Recovery Reflections

Bearing it all out there, flaws and all for everyone to see, as my first step to changing and growing and this started all because of that one special person in my life that I want to make feel love and worth it beyond what mere words can express. You make me want to be a better person.

One Must Know In Order to Grow,

In Order to Grow One Must Know.

I've known for a while now that I have a couple major flaws that affect many areas of my life but most of all my close relationships. I'm very stubborn, I have a hard time taking blame or responsibility and I assume things which end up hurting me. I know this is brought on by deep emotional insecurities of not being good enough. I assume that people think the worst because that's how I see myself and I can't take blame because that will somehow make me less. I've been trying to change the way I see myself and value myself more so that I might be able to be confident enough to take responsibility and not to assume the worst. This really trying to change only came about recently when I fell in love with someone just as stubborn as me. This makes arguments very, very intense but so is our love for each other and that's the reason why I want to change instead of giving up. In the past I've been in relationships with men who eventually learnt to let me win arguments so I've never had reason to change. It’s extremely hard for me to own up to something especially when I feel like the other person played their part in it also. Part of this is because of my trust issues and feel like if I give in that maybe I'm being manipulated. I feel like they’re the reason I felt and acted that way and that's what makes it difficult for me to own up to it. I know that way of thinking is part of the problem and instead of thinking that way I need to start accepting the fact that although their actions caused me to feel a certain way it wasn't their intention to make me feel that way. I need to accept that fact and own up to over reacting or taking it the wrong way. But what would be even better would be to prevent the whole situation by simply not assuming or jumping to conclusions. I need to ask questions and get clarification in a calm manner and maybe avoid the argument in the first place. I know that this is the quick fix and still doesn't address the cause of the issue in the first place which would be my insecurity that I'm not good enough. This is a slow process for me and won’t be done overnight because this insecurity is rooted deep in me and I'm hypersensitive to the words and actions of the ones I care about. I need to find a way to get to the root cause of all this and decide what to do to change it. In order to grow one must first know.

Sincerely Charmed

Is It Rape ??

This has to be one of the hardest things I've ever written about. I don't even talk about this to the people closest to me but I’m letting it be known so that others girls might not feel as alone. Too many women that are raped under the age of 18 feel that's it’s their fault so they never report it. According to Wikipedia, a research that was done in 65 countries shows police reporting more then 250 000 cases of rape or attempted rape annually. Astounding number isn't it?  What’s even more astounding is most rapes aren't even reported. Doubt in ourselves is so damaging especially when it comes to rape. I should know I still doubt myself to this very day, believing I should of done more to stop it, or I asked for it, or I put myself in that situation so it’s my fault. Sadly we were raised to believe this because that's exactly what society wants us to believe. But even knowing all this a part of me still holds on to that doubt, although less than before.

At 14 years old I went to a New Years Eve party with my best friend and her much older boyfriend who drove us to the party at his best friend’s house out of town. It wasn't really a party though, only 5 people including me, my best friend, her boyfriend, his best friend and his best friends’ girlfriend. Now did you get that, it’s kind of confusing. Anyways we were meant to spend the night since her boyfriend would be drinking. And yes he was of age. Needless to say my bestie and I drank; it was New Years Eve after all. Being 14 I hadn't drank that often, I hadn't even done drugs yet, well besides weed. They had even made jello shooters for us so the booze, we weren't use to, would go down easier. When I eventually started getting really drunk they showed me to the room I'd be staying in for the night to let me sleep it off and let me tell you, I passed out pretty fast. I was knocked out until in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping someone sneaked into the room. His best friend, the guy who's house we were at, had left his girlfriends side to come sneak into my room. Scared shitless and half asleep from the booze I never said a word while he got on top of me and did his thing. When he was finally done he left to go back to his girlfriend who was fast asleep in another room. I think that in his head he really thought I wanted him because he kept saying something like "is it good". I don't know what the hell he was thinking to be honest. He was more than 15 years older than me, and I was only 14 so whatever he was thinking is irrelevant. I was just so scared that no one would believe me that I never said anything to anyone for years and years.

I'm not sure how much this event has changed me and my life but I know it had its effects on me. I thought for years that all guys just wanted sex and if I wanted them to like me I had to sleep with them. After that I started acting out more, doing harder drugs and sleeping around. I don't know if this event caused those things to happen or if it pushed me into that direction. Despite this happening I enjoy sex today. I guess in some way I've healed and I've moved on. I'm not having sex for them anymore I have sex for me now. I don't sleep around either; I keep that for my people I get a serious connection with.

Even though I've healed, for the most part anyways, I've never thought of reporting it. It just isn't the right decision for me and it wasn’t required for my healing process. I've moved on and I don't want people in my hometown to know what happened, or worst what if they don't believe me and shame me. This makes me glad to this day that I didn't report it because of how much worst things could have been if I had. This is the world we live in and something needs to change. No matter what I still have this doubt deep down that I've never been able to get rid of, probably because of how society chooses to look at rape. I’ve heard so many girls blaming other girls for rape or not believing them which is really sad because we need to support each other and stop denying that this could happen to someone we know. I'm hoping that by sharing this with you that girls who feel alone because of how our society is will find some comfort knowing they are not alone. Dealing with an assault and not reporting it can make you feel very alone but know that you are not alone. And even if you decide not to report it to the police, you should tell someone you trust completely, it really does help.

Sincerely Charmed

Am I a Sex Addict ???

I was talking with a nice lady on twitter when she asked me if my addiction was love and sex like her. My last post about starting a blog on sexuality and spirituality might have gotten her confused. I answered I didn't believe I was because sex doesn't interfere with any aspect of my life in a negative way, and I asked her what she considered to be an addiction to sex. 

She said:

Sex addiction is not much different than an alcohol addiction. Two people can drink the same amount but only one feels the "need". I would use sex to medicate myself from feeling sad, lonely, angry, or scared. Sex itself is wonderful but how I used it was not. You can also go onto sex/love addict websites like SLAA to get information about ways that addicts like me, act out.

So she got me wondering what the differences between need and a deep want are. I see myself as someone who really enjoys kink and I want it often, but I never stray from a relationship because of this deep want or is it need. Is sex something most humans need or is it just a deep want. I’ll let you decide that for yourselves. As for me, I did some research and got a brief idea of what a NEED or addiction to sex would be considered.

Spending considerable time in activities related to sex

Neglecting obligations such as work, school or family in pursuit of sex.

Engaging in excessive sexual practices despite a desire to stop.

Continually engaging in the sexual behavior despite negative consequences,

Escalating scope or frequency of sexual activity to achieve the desired effect

Being preoccupied with sex cravings and unsuccessfully attempting to limit sexual activity.

Feeling irritable when unable to engage in the desired behavior.

I also found a site where you can take a test/survey to see if you’re a sex addict or have those tendencies. @ Sex Addiction Survey But no survey will be 100% accurate and it efficiency depends on the honesty of your answers. As for me a the survey said my answers didn't  fit the criteria needed to be a sex addicted but that I was compulsive when it came to sex and that I spent too much time thinking about it. And I'm fine with that. If something doesn't affect your life and the people in it negatively, and you’re happy, then why worry. 

Embrace your sexuality and all your fantasies, trust me if you thought of it someone else has also, you’re not alone. Research, research, research and mostly just be happy. For those of you who think you might have an issue with sex or your survey score pointed to you having an addiction I suggest you check out this site Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and talk to a professional. Take care of yourself.

Charmed

Guest Post: Depression & Addiction

This is a Guest Post from a wonderful strong woman in her 40s who would like to remain anonymous  This post really shows how depression can lead to addiction and how addiction can make depression worst after a while.

As a teenager I struggled with depression, not knowing it at the time I was very confused. I was the youngest of 9 kids. This was back in 1979 when I first swallowed a full bottle of pain medication only to wake up throwing up and not telling anyone about it. Not too long after, at the age of 19 I met my future husband, who in my mind was exactly what I needed. He had access to wonderful drugs and my ticket out of depression. My marriage lasted 12 years and we had 2 children together. After all the partying and depression I still managed to raise my kids with good morals, self respect and confidence. I am very proud of my children but not of myself as much. Needless to say I self medicated to try to fix myself. To fix the unhappiness I felt. I finally got some help at 33 and was put on the anti depressant Paxil. Thats when I took time off work and separated from my now ex husband.

I was clean from drugs for a good 5 years and had my third child before I relapsed. A year of postpartum depression got me into drugs again. I had been heavy into drugs for about 4 months when I had my second suicide attempt. After that I got into therapy for about 2 years and managed to leave my second failed relationship with the father of my third child. I also got on the methadone program for 5 and a half years and eventually with the help of my doctor I was able to ween myself off methadone. It took me 3 attempts to finally get off and my third attempt was successful because I dropped my dosage by 2 mg each week for a year and a half. In the end, for the last 2 months I got daily migraines, for which the doctor prescribed both Tylenol and Ibuprofen  It will be a year at the end of May 2013 that I've been off methadone and off my anti depressants that I had been on for 13 years. I'm very proud of it!

Letting Go of The Past & An Addicted Step Mother

I have to be honest and tell you that I started this blog for me so that I may have a place to get support, process my thoughts and finally let them go. Although this is still a very important part, what keeps me coming back after I feel like I've said everything I needed to, is that I've realized one of the greatest gifts of recovery is being able to help others. Thinking that my posts might help someone out there motivates me to keep writing and share what Ive learned over the years. 

In this post I thought I should talk a bit about letting go since most of us, including me, struggle with it in recovery. In recovery we struggle with a lot of things we need to let go of: the pain, the sadness, old friends, old places, old habits, old beliefs, old ways of doing things, the list goes on. It's a huge and difficult process for all of us. Letting go of who we think we are can be extremely frightening.

This is especially true in the beginning of recovery but its something we still face in our daily lives although maybe in smaller amounts. I got a message to my phone late last night around 11. It was a picture of the little boy my step mother and father would have had if she hadn't lost it when she was 8 months pregnant. 

In the picture he was obviously dead and it showed. He was all blue, wrap in a blanket so she could take a picture before cremating him. It made me very sad but also I was a little disturbed by this picture. I didn't really know what to make of it. As I was putting my phone away she sent another message telling me to think of him since it was his birthday and he would be 5 years old today. 

I still didn't know what to make of her texts so I started asking myself a bunch of questions. Why is she really sending me this? Does she want to make me feel guilty that we did drugs together when she was pregnant? Why send me a message so late? Is she high right now? Or maybe she mentally ill ? It just kept bugging me and bringing back memories about my own situation that Id rather forget.

I finally told myself I have to just let it go. The past is the past and that's where it will stay. No need to keep feeling guilty over something that wasn't really in my control. Although its never that easy. As for my own situation, Ill let those memories go for today but I know they will come back to visit me eventually. Thinking about letting go helped distract me from the pain of my past and concentrate on something more important. Sharing my experience to hopefully help someome else let go of a hurtful past.

I think its important that we remind ourselves to let go of the things that do us no good. Letting ourselves move on to something more positive and good for us. We can't move on with our future if we keep getting dragged back into our past. We can't become what we are meant to be if we hold on to what we once were. This is a lesson I'm still learning everyday. 

I constantly struggle with wanting to be the person I was before drugs physically and mentally but with the knowledge I have now. I'm always comparing my social life, my fitness, my looks, my confidence to the person I once was. I know its not doing me any good. I need to let go to grow. I have to stop trying to be the person I was so I can become someone even better then who I was back then.

Charmed

Mental illness: Am I Bipolar ??

Its known that a good majority of people suffering from a mental illnesses suffer alone or might not be aware that their suffering. I've often wondered if I suffer from some kind of mental illness, mostly if I might be bipolar. Its something I'm quite familiar with as my mom was diagnosed as being bipolar when I was in my early teens. But how long had she actually been bipolar before being diagnosed ? I've seen what it did to her and us as a family. I keep telling myself its not like that for me. I don't get irritated or mad at people for no reason and I don't go on shopping sprees but its all so familiar to my current situation. I don't want to be like that, I want to be constant with people, I don't want to hurt or confuse the ones I love. Growing up with it doesn't make me understand it better. And now because I grew up with it I tell myself that's the reason why I think I have it or that I have mood swings. I'm projecting her actions on to me and that I'm not really bipolar. Well it just seems to be causing more doubt then actually helping.

At first I use to think that my mood swings might be a side affect from my drug use. Then I thought it might be something that happens when someone quits drugs and is getting use to sober living. I never wanted to believe that my mood changes were just in my head, because that would mean I had no logical reason to feel the way I felt. I must be sad for a reason, or I don't want to answer my phone because I'm tired or busy, but I am really ? I don't really know and that's the problem. And then sometimes nothing bothers me, I'm positive, laughing and thinking everythings perfect. That's the side everyone sees of course, because that's how I am most of the time and when I am sad I usually don't talk to anyone. If I do I make it quick and tell them I'm tired. And to be honest I really am tired often, I have low energy but then at night I have a hard time sleeping. I blame it on the energy drinks but if I don't drink them I cant get out of bed. Another thing is I rarely hang out with friends anymore. I have good intentions and sometimes make plans but then when that day actually comes I tell myself I'm too tired or I'm uncomfortable and I end up not going. What's weird is that on those rare occasions where I actually do it, I enjoy myself and that doesn't even make it easier the next time.

Whats happening to me ? I can be happy for days the on other days all I want to do is sleep. But their must be another reason for this. Everyone has their off days right. I don't mention this to my mom because honestly I don't think I want an answer. What if I am bipolar, my sadness wont have an importance because it wont be based on anything real. If I argue or I'm emotional about something it will get chalked up to just being bipolar. I really believe that I should be able to control my mood. I want to be happy so I'll be happy. I don't need medication or therapy. I don't have time for therapy anyways, Id never make it to my appointments. I've always been terrible at keeping any kind of appointment. I want to find any other reason possible then being bipolar. My sadness and happy moments aren't as extreme as what people say they should be if I was to be bipolar. I'm like floating around in the middle, so I'm normal, right? Round and Round I go until eventually I stop thinking about for a while. If I actually knew what was going on then I could get help or move on and live with it. I just don't know and the battle between wanting to know and not wanting to know, is making things a lot harder. I need the courage to take the next step, whatever that may be.

I would love any input or comments on this.

Charmed

Hopefully I'm able to overcome this.

The Shock of My Mother Suicide Attempt

Wow! What a heavy subject for me to talk about. I've been trying to avoid this topic for many reasons, but I think it's finally time I acknowledge it, understand how it affected me and let it go. The summer after 9th grade I was enrolled in summer school because I had stopped going to school about half way through my second semester. But after the first day I really didn't want to go to summer school anymore.

On that first day I found out my teacher was a previous junior high teacher that I really didn't get along with. He was always singling me out in religion class because I smoked cigarettes and when I wanted to join the basketball team that he coached he didn't let me pass the try outs because I smoked. He didn't try to help in anyway but made things worst, now that's not a good teacher.

Anyways so the second day I didn't want to go at all but my Mom really wanted me too. So we fought most of the morning until she finally dropped me off at school. We fought often in the morning since we weren't really morning people although she would probably like to think so I left school on my first break to go back home because the teacher was being stupid again trying to make fun of me.

I was almost there when my moms boyfriend passed by me and asked me to get in (that was unusual). I cant really remember what he said to me in car but he must of told me what was going on because when we go to the hospital I jumped out of the car and ran inside looking for my mom. They wouldn't tell me where she was, I felt like no one was telling me anything or maybe I wasn't listening. I was just trying to find my mom.

As soon as the nurse came out of the locked door to the emergency rooms, I ran in. I spotted my mom in the second room, they didn't even have the door shut so I saw her having a seizure, convulsing, eyes rolling in the back of her head, drooling, whoever that was, that definitely wasn't the mom I remembered. I was in utter shock, I was terrified, my mind kinda went blank like I was losing myself, its like my mind locked down and said nooooooo, NO you shouldn't be seeing this.

I turned around to run out but my aunt who had found her stopped me and said see what you did to your mom, this is your fault. WHAT!!?? I didn't even let her respond I ran and ran until I found a phone and called the person I was closest to at the time (the person I still wish I was close too) and asked him to come meet me. Then I only remember running and running and running. That blame stuck with me for a long time, it made me pissed at everyone, all of the time but especially at my aunt and my mom for blaming me.

How ever bad I was before I'd be even worst now, Id give them a reason to blame me. That's when I really stopped caring about what happened to me. Anything I got my hands on I'd do to get high and I was just so very angry. I fought, I yelled, I threw things around or at people. I stopped listening to anyone. I was for a lack of a better word F-ING Pissed. But also at myself for not being a better daughter.

Charmed