Childhood Trauma Surfacing Now That I'm Expecting

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I've been saying its a boy. I knew I'd be happy either way but some part of me was relieved to find out it was a boy. I wasn't consciously aware at first that I had a fear of having a little girl but when trying to figure out why I was so determined to have a boy it started making more and more sense. Girls in our society are so vulnerable, or at least that's what my experience has taught me. Life has taught me that physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse, is all part of being a girl. Right?

Why would I want that for my child. I know that's not how its suppose to be and that abuse might not be the case for some girls but I did fear on some unconscious level that having a girl would mean having a vulnerable child that bad things might happen too. This isn't entirely logical, bad things can happen to anyone, but fear is rarely logical.

This all comes from some abuse that I endured as a small child at the hands of older male relatives, granted they weren't that much older. The oldest wasn't even 5 years older me, but being 4 to 6 years old at the time, it does make a big difference. This is something I never ever talk about but I've been trying to be more open with you guys in my writing lately. This abuse happened with 3 different male relatives, more then once, but it had been blocked out until recently. I remembered bits and pieces but having tried so hard to forget I only recently started remembering most of it.

Now that I'm about to have a child of my own, these experiences have come back to haunt me. I'm relieved to know I'm having a boy but that doesn't mean I'm not still worried. I want to make sure I'm open with him and explain boundaries to him. What's right and what's wrong. I want him to know he can come to me with anything, no subject is too taboo. I can't keep living in fear and shelter him for the rest of his life. So as scary and as uncomfortable as it might be I'll make it a priority of mine to keep an open line of communication with him starting at a young age. I want to teach him how to keep himself safe and respect others bodies and personal space. Something more parents should be doing. 

You never know, maybe if those relatives had been educated in whats right and wrong with other peoples bodies than maybe that abuse never would of happened. We can't keep silent in hopes that our child will figure it out on their own. We need to talk to them. I know children will be curious and want to explore their bodies but they need to know that other peoples bodies are off limits and to respect everyones space.

I'm not exactly sure how much this abuse has affected my psyche but I'm sure it had a definite impact on my relationships and the way I experience intimacy. It might of even played a part in my addiction. The topic still makes me feel uncomfortable today but it needs to be talked about and we need to educate our young. I know I'm not alone in this and to the people out there who this has happened to please know you are not alone and we can make a difference if we talk about it.

Love Charmed

Is It Rape ??

This has to be one of the hardest things I've ever written about. I don't even talk about this to the people closest to me but I’m letting it be known so that others girls might not feel as alone. Too many women that are raped under the age of 18 feel that's it’s their fault so they never report it. According to Wikipedia, a research that was done in 65 countries shows police reporting more then 250 000 cases of rape or attempted rape annually. Astounding number isn't it?  What’s even more astounding is most rapes aren't even reported. Doubt in ourselves is so damaging especially when it comes to rape. I should know I still doubt myself to this very day, believing I should of done more to stop it, or I asked for it, or I put myself in that situation so it’s my fault. Sadly we were raised to believe this because that's exactly what society wants us to believe. But even knowing all this a part of me still holds on to that doubt, although less than before.

At 14 years old I went to a New Years Eve party with my best friend and her much older boyfriend who drove us to the party at his best friend’s house out of town. It wasn't really a party though, only 5 people including me, my best friend, her boyfriend, his best friend and his best friends’ girlfriend. Now did you get that, it’s kind of confusing. Anyways we were meant to spend the night since her boyfriend would be drinking. And yes he was of age. Needless to say my bestie and I drank; it was New Years Eve after all. Being 14 I hadn't drank that often, I hadn't even done drugs yet, well besides weed. They had even made jello shooters for us so the booze, we weren't use to, would go down easier. When I eventually started getting really drunk they showed me to the room I'd be staying in for the night to let me sleep it off and let me tell you, I passed out pretty fast. I was knocked out until in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping someone sneaked into the room. His best friend, the guy who's house we were at, had left his girlfriends side to come sneak into my room. Scared shitless and half asleep from the booze I never said a word while he got on top of me and did his thing. When he was finally done he left to go back to his girlfriend who was fast asleep in another room. I think that in his head he really thought I wanted him because he kept saying something like "is it good". I don't know what the hell he was thinking to be honest. He was more than 15 years older than me, and I was only 14 so whatever he was thinking is irrelevant. I was just so scared that no one would believe me that I never said anything to anyone for years and years.

I'm not sure how much this event has changed me and my life but I know it had its effects on me. I thought for years that all guys just wanted sex and if I wanted them to like me I had to sleep with them. After that I started acting out more, doing harder drugs and sleeping around. I don't know if this event caused those things to happen or if it pushed me into that direction. Despite this happening I enjoy sex today. I guess in some way I've healed and I've moved on. I'm not having sex for them anymore I have sex for me now. I don't sleep around either; I keep that for my people I get a serious connection with.

Even though I've healed, for the most part anyways, I've never thought of reporting it. It just isn't the right decision for me and it wasn’t required for my healing process. I've moved on and I don't want people in my hometown to know what happened, or worst what if they don't believe me and shame me. This makes me glad to this day that I didn't report it because of how much worst things could have been if I had. This is the world we live in and something needs to change. No matter what I still have this doubt deep down that I've never been able to get rid of, probably because of how society chooses to look at rape. I’ve heard so many girls blaming other girls for rape or not believing them which is really sad because we need to support each other and stop denying that this could happen to someone we know. I'm hoping that by sharing this with you that girls who feel alone because of how our society is will find some comfort knowing they are not alone. Dealing with an assault and not reporting it can make you feel very alone but know that you are not alone. And even if you decide not to report it to the police, you should tell someone you trust completely, it really does help.

Sincerely Charmed