Poem: Nowhere Left to Turn

I didn't get to post my usual weekly post last week because I've been dealing with some stuff. I can't write when my mind won't cooperate. So since I still haven't gotten around to finishing a post I thought I'd share a poem that I've been working on. This is the rough draft, the poem obviously needs some work but it does explain a little bit about what I've been dealing with. 

Gracie's Secret: The Perfect Book For Children of Addicts

I absolutely love this book I just read and thought I'd share it with all of you.

Gracie's Secret is written by Lorelie Rozzano, a woman in recovery who grew up in an alcoholic home. This children book is intended for kids growing up in addicted families who need help understanding and talking about their feelings. Although I believe this would be a useful book for any kid and not just children in troubled families because all children need to learn how to manage and talk about their negative feelings. It's definitely something I'll read to my little one once he's old enough.

I really love the idea behind this book. I think it's great to have a tool like this to help kids understand and open up about their feelings. The book is written in such a way that any kid having a difficult time with their feelings or living in a troubled home would be able to relate to this story. The author explains feelings in a way that can be easily understood by young children and the beautiful illustrations are so well done it enhances the comprehension of the story line.It even has simple questions at the end of the book to help get kids thinking about the people they can talk to and how Gracie story relates to them.

It's also a great read for adults who lived in a troubled home or has dealt with addiction themselves because most of us can relate in some way to this little sad girl. Also a great book for any parent who has been addicted or has dealt with a bumpy family life because this book offers them the child perspective in this situation and might help the parent understand what their child is going through a bit better. Fostering understanding and compassion for their child who might find themselves in a similar situation.

This is the author Lorelie’s blog if you want to know more about her, and the book can be purchased here. If you buy the book please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts on it. Thanks a bunch everyone  =) Take Care

Charmed

Children's Aid: Never Where Their Needed The Most

I was recently informed by my doctor that I'd have to call Children's Aid before my due date to let them know I'm clean and provide them with a letter from my doctor informing them that I'm stable. I'm not happy about this for many reasons but mainly because I know way too many bad things about Children's Aid and how they operate, plus I feel like its unfair that I have to defend myself and prove to them that I'm clean. Kind of feels like prejudice to me, specially because it wont just stop at a letter from my doctor. They will start asking a million and one questions about my life trying to find some reason to become more involved. Or at least that's been what I've known them to do.

I know that their just doing their jobs by making sure I'm clean and I should be happy that their protecting children from unhealthy homes where parents do drugs. The problem is they often get involved in cases where the child is doing fine and cause the family trouble. Sadly I've heard this kind of situation happening from many families. So it probably won't stop with just having to give them a letter. Even though I have nothing to hide I feel like they will put me under a microscope and judge every little thing until they can find something to cause me trouble. 

Also I think about my own childhood and how although my parents weren't perfect and addiction was involved taking me away from them would of caused more harm then good. I probably would of became severely depressed being taken away from my parents.I remember when I was younger a worker came to talk to me at my home and it was just a terrible experience. He came in acting like he owned the place and started telling me I wasn't a good kid for not listening to my mom. It did nothing to help my situation that's for sure.

My partner also had a not so pleasant run in with them when he had his daughter with his ex. The guy worker that came over to talk to his ex started hitting on her and asked her out. Making my hubby sound like a bad guy for not being home because he was working out of town. Thankfully this worker lost his job. Another example, would be them harassing my Dad and trying to take my little brother away. They demanded a drug test 5 times in the past 2 years because he past each time the last time he made sure to tell them if they bothered him again he would be pressing charges. I don't know how that works or if he can press charges but I hope something can be done about bad workers and their flawed system.

I believe in having something in place to protect children but our children's aid system seriously needs work to be just and effective. Hopefully they don't give me any problems when I give them my doctors letter and they don't question me because knowing myself I'll get defensive and pissed. My diplomacy skills do need work I'll admit that LOL. I'll keep you guys all updated on how it goes. Anybody else here have had experience with Children's Aid ?Good or Bad, let me know in the comments below, please. Thanks for listening to me vent and rant, you guys are awesome :D

Check out this story about a mother who lost her child from the time he was born until he was 9 months old when she finally won her case against CAS for being on methadone. They took the child at the hospital and told her she couldn't have custody until she got off methadone.

http://atforum.com/2011/08/advocates-help-new-moms-in-methadone-treatment/#.UPb0CMYsbYo.pinterest

Charmed

Violent Outbursts & The Negative Effects of Benzos

Violent outburst, no guilt, and emotional detachment were just some of the negative effects I had to suffer at the hands of someone who was addicted to Benzos. When I was in active addiction I never came accross Benzos so I never did any. I had no idea what they were until someone I cared about got addicted. I had been clean for a couple years before I learned what they were. While I was in a serious relationship with another recovering addict he relapse and I had no idea what was going on. I was so uninformed about Benzos I had no clue that getting a script would cause him problems. 

He eventually told me that he use to get Benzos prescribed to him for anxiety but that he didn't really need them. He said he would take them to get to bed after getting high so I figured since he wasn't using anymore I had nothing to worry about. I still asked him why he decided to get a script if he didn't really have anxiety. His excuse was he needed money and wanted to sell them. For some reason I believed him and let it go at that. I didn't know they were a problem drug a lot of people get addicted to. He would say they weren't a big deal because they were prescribed to him.

Once he got the script he snorted the whole thing in the matter of days. A months worth in as little as 3 days. He tried to hide it from me, but it didn't take me long to realize he wasn't himself. It felt like I was living with a total stranger, like he was someone completely different. I wasn't sure what the cause was at first but I soon figured it out. I put two and two together, which wasn't too hard for me to do considering I know the signs of addiction all too well.

He got very aggressive, threatening, distant and without guilt. By the time he got his 3rd script I finally couldn't take it anymore and I flushed the rest of his pills down the toilet. He raced to the bathroom and pushed me in the tub to save his precious pills. It didn't matter that I was pregnant at the time. It was all very traumatic. I probably shouldn't of flushed them but I was hormonal and he was distant with no emotions. I was hurt and lost but I really loved him. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

If the pills are taken as prescribed they help a lot of people but he was abusing them and that's what caused our problems. They are meant to numb anxiety but if you take ten times the required amount you numb absolutely everything. Guilt and conscious with it. Anxiety and fear to a certain degree is a good thing. It prevents you from stealing, cheating and doing other hurtful shit to the person you love because you fear losing them.

Even though he relapsed and got violent I didn't leave him. By then I knew one of the side effects of abusing Benzos was turning your emotions off so you just don't care anymore. We worked through it and things got better. He quit using and tried to make up for his mistakes. I understood that it was the drug abuse and not him. Being a child of an addict it wasn't my first time dealing with an addicted love one. I know having compassion for the addict can go a long way in helping them get better.

I feel like it's important to let people know the effects so people can recognize when someone might be taking more then they should. They arent to be messed with or taken lightly. It a serious drug to abuse and only people who need them should take them. I found some great info that Id like to share with you guys in the link below.

Here's some great info from DualDiagnosis.org :

In the last year there have been several studies/stories about the risks associated with benzodiazepine abuse.  And while benzodiazepines have been prescribed for decades to treat anxiety and seizure disorders,  the possible threat of overusing them is real and with that comes dependency, overdose and the potentiality of death.  Did you know that since 2010, there have been 6,507 US drug overdose deaths that involved benzodizepines?  Because of this rising number, FRN created an infographic to help familiarize those about benzodiazepines but most importantly help create awareness regarding the possible addiction with benzodiazepines. 

Broken down in four sections, the  infographic (http://www.dualdiagnosis.org/benzodiazepine-addiction/) goes into detail about the following:

What are benzodiazepines: their brand names and the amount of prescriptions filled in the US in 2011, the number of related ER visits in 2010 and the confiscations by law enforcement for each associated drug. 

- Why prescribe benzodiazepines, specifically the disorders that are treated 

- Common side effects and contraindications with benzodiazepine use

- Key statistics related to the dangers of abuse 

- Symptoms of overdose

Sincerely Charmed

PS: Have you ever encountered Benzos before? If so let me know your experience with them and how they affected your life in the comments below. Thanks :D

A Recovering Addicts Fear of Change

I'm re-posting this because I find the topic important. Hope you enjoy!

I watched the movie Eat Pray Love tonight and it definitely became one of my all time favorites  It made me think of how much we struggle to hold on to our present situation, it being good or bad makes no difference. All we want is to stay in the safety of the familiar even if it makes us unhappy. Its funny how all this is usually about wanting to be safe but in wanting to be safe we put ourselves in danger of being unhappy. 

How easy t is to stay in the constant rather than move on to the unknown. The fear of being alone, of the unknown or of failing can paralyses us to stay exactly where we are and we don't even realize it. As miserable as it makes us we rather stay in the familiar. Our fear of change can be of either our relationship status (which is the case for me), or of moving, changing jobs, having kids, growing up. This never ending list keeps us trapped and unable to grow and experience the wonders that could be.

Even knowing this, I'm still here, in a relationship where I'm more unhappy than happy lately. I am so very good at fooling myself into believing that everything is ok. But the truth is, it hasn't been ok in a very long time. How so very tired I am of giving my everything and being left with nothing. I don't like thinking about this because I'm a usually a happy positive person and this makes me sad. 

How very strongly I struggle to stay exactly where I am, as irrational as it may be. I'd like to make a promise to myself here and now that I'll make the change. But I've made this promise to myself so many times before and I've lost hope of a follow through on my part. I haven't been single since I was 14 years old and I just don't know how to be alone anymore. If I had friends near me I believe it would really help because I need people around me even if it's not every day. 

Making new friends just isn't the same because they don't really know me, they don't know the hard things I've been through, how big my heart is, how sensitive I am even if I don't show it. If they don't know this then I feel like I need to constantly explain myself. And I wouldn't ask of anyone who hasn't been a long time friend to be a support system if I hadn't had the chance to be there for them in the past.

I've been trying to find myself these last couple months, taking joy in the time I have alone, exploring the different things that make me happy like drawing, blogging or reading. I've been focusing on my strengths and make myself constantly remember them so that I may find courage to work on my weaknesses. I've also been trying to keep in contact with the people around me instead of ignoring everyone's calls. I've come to realize just how much friends can be a great support in times of need. 

When the fear of change finds its way to me I can find strength to go on from the people around me. Making me regret that I've pushed people away this long for fear that they just wouldn't understand me or that they would ask too much of me. I think that if I can get a good support system I'll be able to be single if that's what I have to do. All this is still a work in progress but I'm hoping I can be strong enough one day to do what needs to be done.

Charmed