That One Decision That Changed Everything

I never really believed that anything like this could ever actually happen to me. That the perfect guy for me would walk into my life, sweep me off my feet and take me away from my unhappy and most of all unhealthy relationship. I thought things like that only existed in books and movies. Having someone just so perfectly matched for me, it was like he was made for me. I never thought in a million years that someone could complete me so spiritually, physically and emotionally to the point of having me believing in soul mates. I have to tell you it’s all so weird how it happened that I don't doubt that it was anything else but fate that brought us together. The signs were all there continually reminding me that I was making the right decision by moving forward with this man. We continually read each other minds, finished each other’s sentences and would send each other the exact same text at the exact same time. We have so much in common, it really feels like he is my other half. We both love deeply and know how to show it. Every day I wake up feeling loved and cherished, and I've never had that before. I never could have imagine love could feel this good.

Leaving my ex wasn't something I thought I could do because when I love, I love deeply. I didn't think I was strong enough or ready because honestly I still loved the guy no matter how unhappy I was. No to mention the way it happened, me meeting my soul mate while still living with my ex. Something about the whole situation didn't sit right with me, I'm not that type of person, when I'm committed, I'm committed and loyal. But being with this guy, the way he made me feel and the way we connected, all of it just felt so right that I just had to do something about it. I hate lying and I can't be with two people at once which meant that I had to move fast. I didn't want to give myself to this amazing man if I was still living with my ex so I just had to move out. And I know from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't have left my ex for anyone else but my soul mate, the one person that I'd want to marry without hesitation, the one person I'd see as the best father for my future children and the one person I can see myself spending forever with. Just to be clear on this, I've never found someone that I absolutely wanted forever. Don't get me wrong I've been in love before but I could never picture forever with someone, I always thought this won’t last, I know it’s sad but it’s true. This man and my one decision to leave my ex for him has changed the entire course of my life. It was the ultimate game changer. A life changer. In that one single moment the course of my entire life changed forever.

When I look at him I see everything I'll ever need. I see my future. It's pretty amazing to have someone love and trust me as much as I trust them. We both want the same things in life and he supports my dreams and my schooling. Everything happened all so fast, we hung out for the first time on Christmas when I was down visiting my mom for the holidays. Then he relocated from my hometown to where I'm living now on January 15th to be closer to me and I guess to win me over because he knew he just had to have me. Despite knowing he wanted me he was really patient and understanding, giving me all the time I needed. I ended up moving out of my ex and moving in with him on February 7th. It was all very hectic and hard since I was grieving my past relationship and dealing with school. I was in so much emotional pain the first week, the pain almost felt unbearable but he was there for me, understanding and not judging, not getting upset that I was in pain over my last relationship. We both moved in to this new place on the same day so we had to start from the beginning, making it livable, making it home. It was hard but it was so worth it.

Charmed

Some Roommates Should Come with a Warning Label

Warning Label:

I don't do dishes.

I don't take out the garbage

I steal your toilet paper & soap

I dont hang up towels

I steal all the spoons.

I don't sweep, mop or any cleaning actually

My landlord rents out the 3 rooms in her basement apartment and the other two rooms were empty since the beginning of the summer until she found a guy who wanted one of the rooms. He moved in at the beginning of July and hasn't cleaned anything since he moved in or hasn't taken any of the garbage out. I've had to constantly clean after him, on top of having him leave cigarette butts in the sink with the dishes he doesn't clean after himself in the bathroom. Finding stains and shaved hairs in the toilet or the tub filled up with dirty water is not what I signed up for. If that wasn't annoying enough he uses my supplies, toilet paper etc. Not to mention I'm not working at the moment and he's suppose to be so he should pay for his own supplies. I'm broke enough as it is. I've told him twice to simply put the toilet seat down and he can't even do that. And last night I got all the garbage ready hoping he would take them out but noooo, they were still there in the kitchen this morning so now we have to wait till next week for garbage day. I'm just so annoyed I'm really thinking about moving out but I can't even look at other places right now because the internet that's included in my rent isn't working and the landlords gone so she can't fix it. I don't want to keep putting up with this. I have enough to deal with without having to clean up after a grown man. That's all I can say for now since I'm using my phone's internet and its costing me too much.

Charmed

Sea Poem

At 14 years old in 2003, my mom and I made this poem when I kept moving back and forth from my dads who lived 5 hours away. I just found it in my diary and thought I'd share.

~SEA~

Sailing the great sea,

Feeling happy,

If the stars shine bright,

If every things right,

Under the sky, above the sea,

You'll be standing next to me,

If and when things go wrong,

We'll be holding strong,

Cause storms always passes,

Long before a new day begins,

We might of sailed different ways,

 But if it was meant to be,

We'll see each other some day,

Sailing on the same sea,

Charmed

Addiction Runs In The Family

Addiction: It runs in the family or should I say it RUINS the family. 

I think its a well known fact that children of addicts are more likely to become addicts themselves. For those of us living with it we know theirs much more to it then that. Theirs the constant struggle between balancing the love we have for our parents and not becoming like them. This is not a one time fact but a life long challenge. Especially at a young age when we haven't yet started forming our own identity. In my case, I know having a parent who struggled with addiction had a strong impact on the choices I made, but they were just that my choices. I wont put all the blame on circumstances because that would take away the power I have to make the right decisions today. If I kept blaming circumstances then I would use that as a the perfect excuse to keep using. Despite that I would still like to look at the circumstances that had the biggest impact on my decisions.

After fighting like crazy with my mother so she would let me move with my father, I actually got to spend time with him. He would bring me to the movies, the book store, the restaurant, just me and him. He would bring me every where with him on his time off. Its some of the best times I had with my dad even if he was partying a lot. I idolized my father and before my parents separated I went every where with him also. But then he met his girlfriend and everything changed. The weekends that we usually spent together became their time together and he started making less and less time for us to spend together alone. If he did she would get mad and make him think it was about something else. She got jealous but she hid it from him. I didn't need all his time I just wanted some alone time like we use to have once in a while. It got even worst when we moved in with her. It got to the point where he couldn't even give me money without her getting mad. She made sure he would spend all his money on drugs by having some for him before he even got home from work. She knew once he started he wouldn't stop. 

She started smoking weed with me but not with her own kids that were my age. Her kids were too good for that even if they wanted to smoke. Protecting them but not me. Eventually I realized that the only way to get quality time with my father was to start doing what he was doing. So once he offered I started doing coke with him. I finally started having more time with my dad even if we weren't alone I was happy. I wasn't yet addicted since I was only doing it on weekends when my dad was home from work. He was gone trucking during the week. But then his girlfriend started offering me some during the week, asking me not to tell my dad what she was doing. She even kept me home from school but made her kids go. Again I believe she was protecting her kids but throwing me to the wolves, so to speak. And from there things started going from bad to worst.

Charmed

Here another blog of a Child of an addict
http://theaddictschild.blogspot.ca/

Long Lost Friends

One of the hardest thing I've had to deal with since being sober is making friends.

Back in high school when drugs weren't affecting my life I still had lots friend and a couple close friends. Even when I got more into drugs I still had friends, well until I started trying to quit. Once I made up my mind and decided I didn't want to keep doing drugs forever I stop talking to everyone. I stayed home most of the time, unless I was going to work or working on my high school diploma through this adult correspondence class. I rarely answered my phone, I didn't talk to anyone for the longest time except my boyfriend at the time. I needed time alone to fix my life and most of all find out who I was without drugs.

By the time I got better it had been so long since I talked to the people I knew, it just wasn't the same. They had all moved on, some had kids, some had moved away, some were way into drugs. They had all changed and so had I. Making new friends seemed like the only answer. I just hadn't realized how hard it be. I keep feeling like no one can understand what I've been through other then another former addict. But its difficult meeting one since its not something people tend to tell strangers or people they just met. It was hard to feel like I had something in common with people or open up to them for fear of being judged for my past. It was all soo easy when I was a kid.

I thought once I got to college it would get easier but its going on three years now and still not even one friend. Although I have to admit I haven't been trying that hard. For example, I met a nice girl while working this summer but for some reason we haven't hung out outside of work even though shes asked more than once. I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm not sure if I'm scared or nervous. I realize now that even though we all get scared, sometimes we need to take a leap of faith. We wont know unless we try, right. That said, this week ill take that leap of faith and open myself up to making a new friend. Ill start by making plans to hang out and follow through with it.

Wish me luck.
Charmed

Running Away

After my parents separated and my mom moved back to my home town, five hours away, I was always torn between having both my parents in my life. I was a Daddy's girl, I thought he was always right  although he had disappointed me often he always had a «good» excuse and I still believed in them. Despite all that my mom was my mom, she was always there for me, she kept her promises. I could depend on her, really depend on her, so I was always torn. The fact that they also both wanted me with them and tried to convince me to live with them made it easier for me to run away from my problems. Every time I couldn't handle something or when I didn't get my way I had the opportunity to move away, far away. Problems with drugs, friends, school, parents, break up... 

I moved around soo much, I was never able to really settle down and after soo many times I stop bothering with unpacking everything. I lost a lot of important stuff with all the moving. The time that hurt me the most was when I moved back to my moms and whatever I hadn't brought with me for my visit with her, was left at my dads. My dads girlfriend had kids around my age who just stole all my stuff even my moms engagement ring from my dad, that had been given to me after they separated. My dad didn't do anything to help, he didn't seem to care and since then I've always been protective of my things. The one exception was when my addiction was pretty bad and I moved back to my moms after living on my own. That time I left a lot of sentimental and important things behind. What drives me crazy about losing all that stuff is that we never had much money so replacing anything was almost impossible and that's if it was even replaceable.

When running away we often leave behind more then our problems. Although more than that  by getting in the habit of running I forgot how to slow down and appreciate the people around me. I also didn't get to learn how to deal with being wrong and solve problems effectively. Its like I still cant be wrong, Ill argue my point until I blue in the face even when I get that lil voice telling me I'm wrong. Ill ignore it. As for resolving problems I'm still learning how to listen to the other persons point of view and compromise. Whats important is being open to learn, grow and change. Trying new ways when the old ones aren't working, instead of giving up and running away.

~Charmed~

How Addiction Happened to Me

Addictions usually start when some problem or hurt happens in someones life. For me, I believe it started when my parents separated.  Being such a daddy's girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn't in my life as much.Their were the insults back and forth between my parents and the pain they were in upset me. It felt like my whole world came crashing down. I felt like Id been lied to and resented everyone for it, so I started rebelling. Its a common fact that teenagers rebel but for me it started a bit earlier than. I  was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry very easily. I felt like no one understood me and people saw me as being spoiled which didn't help because I felt the opposite of spoiled. Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious, I was really hurt and people didn't seem to notice that. So I started staying out late, smoking cigarettes, hanging out with the wrong people and that was about it for a while.

Around the same time all of this was happening I found out my dad was doing drugs, my hero, the one person I looked up to. Which got me thinking "drugs are normal, their not a big deal, everyone's doing it, even parents". With that in mind, around the age of 12-13 I started smoking pot with my dads girlfriend. It might seem horrible, but I was so angry and hanging out with the wrong people, it was bound to happen even if parents weren't involved. The way things were going it was probably only a matter of time before I would of started smoking it but I'll never know for sure. Escalating from pot to harder drugs is very common, and for me, it was only a matter of time.

Stay tuned for my next post on the Escalation of my addiction.
Ill also think about what could of been done to help and share it with you.

Charmed