Monday, August 18, 2014

Its Been 6 Years Since I Decided to Quit & Get Clean

I've never been one to focus on the exact date I got clean because I relapsed so much in the beginning that I just stopped keeping track. I'd get so disappointed in myself every time I had to start over again that it wasn't helping me stay sober and happy. Disappointment led to me relapsing to make those thoughts go away. Another problem with me keeping a sober date was that there's so much controversy over methadone and actually being clean and sober. Not to mention that I do drink a couple times a year and rarely to the point of actually getting drunk, but I've also never had a problem with alcohol and I've never associated alcohol with drugs.

People are going to disagree with me on whether I'm clean or not and because of that I usually avoid mentioning how long I consider myself to have been not in "active addiction/use" (is probably a better way of putting it). What matters here is that I believe I started changing my life and getting out of the vicious cycle of addiction 6 years ago this month.

In August 2008, I did something I was very ashamed of and that ended up being the final straw for me in my cocaine addiction. I've never really talked about this incident with anyone (well until now), because I was so embarrassed I could hardly live with myself. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened because even though I was an addict I still saw myself as having morals and standards. Thankfully I wasn't able to forget it and the experience was able to motivate me to quit coke for good. This embarassing experience is still not easy for me to talk about but part of my recovery is learning to accept my mistakes.

The "big bad thing" I did was sleep with someone I normally wouldn't of slept with because I was high on coke partying with him. Oh and did I forget to mention he was my Dads friend and quite a bit older then me. It's not that he was unattractive or else I wouldn't of slept with him. He was a well known, kind of business man, that had the interest of quite a few of girls. (If you read my blog on a regular basis then you know that my dad is also an addict and that's just the kind of people he hung out with.) I did a lot of stupid and shameful things during my addiction and I'm not sure why this particular incident was the last straw for me, but I'd had enough. It was probably the accumulation of everything I had done and that one last thing was enough to just pushed me over the edge.

This was a low moment for me and something in me just snapped and I was like no more. This guy called the next day and a few times after that to go on a date or hang out but I avoided him like my life depended on it. I was done with that drug. Once I had made up my mind and started associating it with this disgusted feeling, not doing any became much easier. I still had those urges but they were rare especially compared to my oxy addiction (but that's a post for another time). I was able to be around the drug almost right away and not do any. The temptation was barely there and I think that had a lot to do with the experience causing me to associate this disgusted feeling with doing coke.

Am I the odd one out for not knowing my exact sober date ? Most people know the exact date they got clean and it seems very important. Its a bit more complicated for me as I had two drugs of choice and didn't quit them both at the same time. Although I wasn't off everything, the way I look at it is that 6 years ago this month I stopped doing coke on a daily basis and that's when my life started changing. I think that was a big turning point for me and that makes it a really important moment.

Did you have a turning point where you decided you had enough of the addiction ? Please let me know it the comments below and maybe leave a link to your blog if you want so I can go check it out. Thanks =)

Charmed <3