How I Became an Addict

I believe it started when my parents separated. Being such a daddy’s girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn’t in my life as much. My mom moved me and my brother five hours away and I felt like my whole world came crashing down. Angry at my mom I started rebelling for the first time. I was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry easily. No one saw the pain. I was just a spoiled brat with a mother who wasn’t disciplining me enough, which didn’t help because I actually felt the opposite of spoiled. I just had my dad, aka my whole world, taken from me. Seriously I use to follow my dad everywhere. He was the person I admired the most. People kept telling my mom she needed to be stricter with me but it honestly didn’t matter what she did I wasn’t listening. She could ground me or whatever but unless she was ready to physically fight me I wasn't listening. I didn’t do anything to crazy besides stay out late, skip class, smoke cigarettes and hanging out with the wrong people, especially boys.

Its Been 6 Years Since I Decided to Quit & Get Clean

I've never been one to focus on the exact date I got clean because I relapsed so much in the beginning that I just stopped keeping track. I'd get so disappointed in myself every time I had to start over again that it wasn't helping me stay sober and happy. Disappointment led to me relapsing to make those thoughts go away. Another problem with me keeping a sober date was that there's so much controversy over methadone and actually being clean and sober. Not to mention that I do drink a couple times a year and rarely to the point of actually getting drunk, but I've also never had a problem with alcohol and I've never associated alcohol with drugs.

People are going to disagree with me on whether I'm clean or not and because of that I usually avoid mentioning how long I consider myself to have been not in "active addiction/use" (is probably a better way of putting it). What matters here is that I believe I started changing my life and getting out of the vicious cycle of addiction 6 years ago this month.

In August 2008, I did something I was very ashamed of and that ended up being the final straw for me in my cocaine addiction. I've never really talked about this incident with anyone (well until now), because I was so embarrassed I could hardly live with myself. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened because even though I was an addict I still saw myself as having morals and standards. Thankfully I wasn't able to forget it and the experience was able to motivate me to quit coke for good. This embarassing experience is still not easy for me to talk about but part of my recovery is learning to accept my mistakes.

The "big bad thing" I did was sleep with someone I normally wouldn't of slept with because I was high on coke partying with him. Oh and did I forget to mention he was my Dads friend and quite a bit older then me. It's not that he was unattractive or else I wouldn't of slept with him. He was a well known, kind of business man, that had the interest of quite a few of girls. (If you read my blog on a regular basis then you know that my dad is also an addict and that's just the kind of people he hung out with.) I did a lot of stupid and shameful things during my addiction and I'm not sure why this particular incident was the last straw for me, but I'd had enough. It was probably the accumulation of everything I had done and that one last thing was enough to just pushed me over the edge.

This was a low moment for me and something in me just snapped and I was like no more. This guy called the next day and a few times after that to go on a date or hang out but I avoided him like my life depended on it. I was done with that drug. Once I had made up my mind and started associating it with this disgusted feeling, not doing any became much easier. I still had those urges but they were rare especially compared to my oxy addiction (but that's a post for another time). I was able to be around the drug almost right away and not do any. The temptation was barely there and I think that had a lot to do with the experience causing me to associate this disgusted feeling with doing coke.

Am I the odd one out for not knowing my exact sober date ? Most people know the exact date they got clean and it seems very important. Its a bit more complicated for me as I had two drugs of choice and didn't quit them both at the same time. Although I wasn't off everything, the way I look at it is that 6 years ago this month I stopped doing coke on a daily basis and that's when my life started changing. I think that was a big turning point for me and that makes it a really important moment.

Did you have a turning point where you decided you had enough of the addiction ? Please let me know it the comments below and maybe leave a link to your blog if you want so I can go check it out. Thanks =)

Charmed <3

Guest Post: In the begining

So here I am, sitting in front of this computer, about to tell the rotten tale of addiction that has been my life. I'm in my early 30's, been an addict for more than 15 yrs. You know how it goes, smoking dope and drinking turns drinking, smoking dope and eating mushrooms turns to ...blahblahblah... turns to isolated, miserable, angry, ashamed...addicted.

For me it started around 14, you know stealing beers off the old man, sneaking out at night, screwing around, being a punk. At that age everything’s new, an adventure, and me...well I'm adventurous. And so began the cycle of abuse. Pretty much did whatever I could get my hands on, other than oxy and heroin. And the only reason for that is I don’t like needles and I watched lots of people I respected lose everything including their lives, in some cases to those damn oxy's. I have a daughter. I can’t die, is what I'd tell myself. Honestly, I probably shouldn't be here ,the crazy bullshit that goes on when you're living the fast life from running around town at 5 am all drunk looking for another bag of blow, to waking up in some apartment not knowing where my truck is or whose place I'm at. Just remembering some of that shit gives me chills.

You know, at the time I didn’t care about repercussions, who I hurt or what I was doing. It was all about me, the selfishness of the party lifestyle. I couldn't see it, probably didn’t want to see it, right?

I had been through several long term relationships, all of which came to an end because of my drug and alcohol problems. I'd get fucked up and do or say stupid shit. I'll spare the details, pure embarrassment, and the kind of things people see and just shake their heads. I'm shaking my head right now, writing this. I hate that I can't take back a lot of things I've said/done, especially to women. Don’t get me wrong, No physical stuff, ever. Regardless...asshole type shit!  And I'm not that guy, but the years have shown me when I've consumed enough chemicals, I can be.

I'm finding my guilt is fuel for the fire that is my sobriety. I think the "fun" disappeared about 7-8 years ago. I slowly I became more and more miserable. My temper at work was out of control, co-workers didn’t want to work with me, or around me. I became a loose cannon. No patience whatsoever. It might have had something to do with getting only 2-3 hours of sleep night after night, drinking a 26-er of vodka and doing a couple grams of blow. At home too, family started telling me, "you’re looking rough" or "you should get some sleep". Ya ya, thanks for giving me a great excuse to lock my door turn my phone off and get tuned up again. You know how it goes. It starts to feel like you’re not yourself unless you're numb.

I started to think I couldn’t change. Even right now I'm so unsure about the future. The things I've been through and seen. Wow. All bad. I'm so sick of being sick and tired. I know this is a popular saying in rehab world, but it’s just so fitting for where I'm at right now. I went to detox a bit ago for 3 days, it was very difficult, but they gave me some ideas on how to stay clean. I'm hoping to get into an inpatient facility, I'm sure I need it. Just waiting for a call and hoping that I don’t slip. I’m trying to keep busy. I'm far from perfect, to say the least. I'm hoping I can find a real person in me if I can beat this thing, I think there was someone/something here before...years ago. I put myself here, in this hole. Hopefully I can dig my way out.

My Addiction Story Summarized

I've taken my most important posts and summarized them to explain my addiction and recovery.

I believe it started when my parents separated.  Being such a daddy's girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn't in my life as much. The insults back and forth between my parents and the pain they were in upset me. It felt like my whole world came crashing down. I felt like I’d been lied to and resented everyone for it, so I started rebelling. It’s a common fact that teenagers rebel but for me it started a bit earlier than. I was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry very easily. I felt like no one understood me and people saw me as being spoiled which didn't help because I felt the opposite of spoiled. Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious, I was really hurt and people didn't seem to notice that. So I started staying out late, smoking cigarettes, hanging out with the wrong people and that was about it for a while.

Living on my own at 15 was like the coolest thing, at the time. It was the hang out spot, old friends admired, new friends multiplied. But they weren't really friends were they. Just more people taking advantage of a spot to hang out while getting high. Although I was actually pretty strict with whom I let come in my place. I was selling at the time and didn't want the attention by having known criminals seen coming out of my place. I had all the drugs I wanted and I felt on top of the world. Not depending on anyone for my next pill or my next line. I had a nice and actually clean place. I felt like I still had control of my life, oh how fast things change. Nothing last forever, as they say. It went from being able to stop and go to bed, to the never ending feeling of wanting more. A debt was accumulated and my selling career was over. Now faced with not having a steady supply to feed my addiction, I realize how much I needed it. My body cries out for more. The aches and pain take over any control I have over my mind.

I started doing Percocets once in a while at 13 years old.  Back before anyone knew what they were in my small town I got my hands on a few. But thankfully I ended up moving to my dad’s before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke when my dad offered me some at 14. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms, what I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount every day. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we would be able to relax and go to bed after a night of doing coke. At that point I couldn't really go without coke but I could go without oxys. Well that’s until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.

Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were too severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. So now that I didn’t have withdrawals anymore it became all about doing coke. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself anymore, so I quit coke for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't as bad because it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.

I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. . I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and accept what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed because I learned to deal with these thoughts and memories that haunted me.

There are some things we need to remember so that we may grow and learn from them. Unfortunately some memories don't have any purpose besides making us feel bad about ourselves. These memories have a tendency to creep up on us when we less expect it. Most of the time it happens to me when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. I start to toss and turn, remembering the awful things I did or awful things that were done to me. I replay it in my head over and over thinking of the things that could have been done differently. These are toxic memories and we all need to find ways to get rid of them and think positive.

What I've learned during my recovery is that when these thoughts happen I have to remember all the things I've accomplished since being sober. This definitely became easier the longer I was sober because I had more things to be proud of as time went on. As soon as I was on the methadone program and had my withdrawals under control I started working towards my high school diploma. I did it by correspondence so I could stay at home and get better but still do something I could be proud of and gave me hope for the future. I believe the only way I was able to get sober without any therapy, rehab or detox was due to the methadone program. Nothing else worked for me before then because my withdrawals would take over any determination I had to stop.

It took me a little over a year to get completely clean after starting methadone. The program only fixed part of the problem. I had to fix my way of thinking on my own and no amount of medication would do that for me. Although I agree therapy would have helped once the withdrawals were gone.  I'm not exactly sure why I never committed to weekly therapy but it might have to do with how terrible I am at keeping appointments. What did help in its place was reading books which did a great deal to take my mind off negative things. Also keeping a journal and having my mom to talk too made a huge difference. I really felt like she understood me and I hardly ever felt judged.

I often wonder if I did the right thing getting on methadone, or if I just took the easy way out. At the time it wasn't even a decision. It kind of just happened. Well not that easy of course but in my mind there wasn't any other possibility. It was either that or keep doing what I was doing to keep the withdrawals away. On way or another I had to keep the pain and withdrawals at bay. I didn't know any other way. I even tried doing a bit less oxys everyday and gradually stop that way, but it didn't work at all. Everything just seemed so futile and hopeless. The more I fucked up in my life by doing stupid things to feed my addiction, the more I wanted to get fucked up to forget about it. A vicious cycle. (Forgiving myself was an essential part of my recovery but that only happened after Id been on methadone for a while.)

So I finally got to see a methadone doctor after months of waiting. It wasn't easy getting an appointment since the doctor was out of town. I had to travel there twice a week for the first couple months and finding a ride wasn't easy. On top of that I had to go to pharmacy every day, freezing wind, pouring rain, cold snow, extreme heat with no car or city buses, I had to find a ride or walk there and back. That doesn't include holidays when their hours were so  short I sometimes didn't make it in time or when I had to leave where ever I was like work or school to go to the pharmacy. The doctor even screwed up sometimes, or sent my prescription out of town on the wrong day, and I didn't get my medication. Those days Id be in incredible pain. I wish someone would have told me what I was getting into. How hard it was going to be to quit methadone or to go without it for even just a day. Even now when I only need to go to pharmacy once a week I still feel trapped.  I can’t go anywhere for more than a week. I've thought of getting away from everything, go work far away for a summer, get to see new places, out of country even, but then I realize how difficult that would be if I'm still on methadone. I've been slowly lowering my methadone hoping to be able to do something adventurous this summer. Hoping is the key word here because I've tried going down before, more than once. What always seems to happen is I go down to fast then my body starts hurting, I can’t sleep and I'm always tired. In short I don't function well, so I give up and return to the same amount of methadone I was originally at before going down.

Now I'm going down slowly and it’s been going ok but there were moments where I didn't feel good and I really thought about going up again. Thankfully, I was able to hold on and not go up again. Instead Id stay at that amount for a while to get use to it. I know if it weren't for methadone I wouldn't even have the state of mind to dream about travelling or to go to school or to even have a life in general so I'm really grateful. I can’t expect it to be easy or to magically get fixed, good things require effort and determination. I have to take the good with the bad and hope that I'm strong enough to get off it eventually. Its ironic how the one thing that freed me is also keeping me trapped, but honestly it could be worst at lease now my minds my own and I have a chance at life.

Charmed

Drug of Choice

One addiction often leads to another. 

The first time I did cocaine I was 14 years old and I got addicted pretty fast. As for oxycotin, it was more of a sneaky addiction. At 13 years old, back before anyone knew what they really were, I got my hands on a few percocets. I did them once in a while when they were available to me and I  happen moved to my dads before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke and started getting addicted. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms because I knew I'd be better taken care of, their be food and quiet home to relax in, not like when I was at my dads. What I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount everyday. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we be able to relax and go to bed after we were done doing coke for the night. At that point I couldn't go with out coke but I could go without oxys, that's until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.


Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were to severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. At first it was all about doing coke since I didn't have any more withdrawals for oxys. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself any more, so I quit for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't at bad because  it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.


I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and  except what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed.

Charmed

Addiction Runs In The Family

Addiction: It runs in the family or should I say it RUINS the family. 

I think its a well known fact that children of addicts are more likely to become addicts themselves. For those of us living with it we know theirs much more to it then that. Theirs the constant struggle between balancing the love we have for our parents and not becoming like them. This is not a one time fact but a life long challenge. Especially at a young age when we haven't yet started forming our own identity. In my case, I know having a parent who struggled with addiction had a strong impact on the choices I made, but they were just that my choices. I wont put all the blame on circumstances because that would take away the power I have to make the right decisions today. If I kept blaming circumstances then I would use that as a the perfect excuse to keep using. Despite that I would still like to look at the circumstances that had the biggest impact on my decisions.

After fighting like crazy with my mother so she would let me move with my father, I actually got to spend time with him. He would bring me to the movies, the book store, the restaurant, just me and him. He would bring me every where with him on his time off. Its some of the best times I had with my dad even if he was partying a lot. I idolized my father and before my parents separated I went every where with him also. But then he met his girlfriend and everything changed. The weekends that we usually spent together became their time together and he started making less and less time for us to spend together alone. If he did she would get mad and make him think it was about something else. She got jealous but she hid it from him. I didn't need all his time I just wanted some alone time like we use to have once in a while. It got even worst when we moved in with her. It got to the point where he couldn't even give me money without her getting mad. She made sure he would spend all his money on drugs by having some for him before he even got home from work. She knew once he started he wouldn't stop. 

She started smoking weed with me but not with her own kids that were my age. Her kids were too good for that even if they wanted to smoke. Protecting them but not me. Eventually I realized that the only way to get quality time with my father was to start doing what he was doing. So once he offered I started doing coke with him. I finally started having more time with my dad even if we weren't alone I was happy. I wasn't yet addicted since I was only doing it on weekends when my dad was home from work. He was gone trucking during the week. But then his girlfriend started offering me some during the week, asking me not to tell my dad what she was doing. She even kept me home from school but made her kids go. Again I believe she was protecting her kids but throwing me to the wolves, so to speak. And from there things started going from bad to worst.

Charmed

Here another blog of a Child of an addict
http://theaddictschild.blogspot.ca/

Hitting Rock Bottom and Digging Some More

Living on my own at 15 was like the coolest thing, at the time. It was the hang out spot, old friends admired, new friends multiplied. But they weren't really friends were they. Just more people taking advantage of a spot to hang out while getting high. Although I was actually pretty strict with who I let come in my place. I was selling at the time and didn't want the attention by having known criminals seen coming out of my place. I had all the drugs I wanted and I felt on top of the world. Not depending on anyone for my next pill or my next line. I had a nice and actually clean place. I felt like I still had control of my life, oh how fast things change. Nothing last forever, as they say. It went from being able to stop and go to bed, to the never ending feeling of wanting more. A debt was accumulated and my selling career was over. Now faced with not having a steady supply to feed my addiction, I realize how much I needed it. My body cries out for more. The aches and pain take over any control I have over my mind.

Charmed

PS. I found a very good written post about addiction by a fellow blogger, take a look. Real insight.

trapped in addiction

Having an Addict as a Parent

Despite having a parent that does drugs regularly, I love them very much...

I believe that timing had a lot to do with me trying harder drugs. When I found out I was still at that age where I still wanted to do everything my parents did. Which probably had a huge impact on my escalation to harder drugs. To add to that, I heard every reason why its not bad, because, of course, my father felt like he had to justify himself. So I heard it all; its just for fun, its normal it comes from plants (coca plant), its only on weekends, I deserve it I work hard, everyone does it even high class business men and politicians.... The never ending reason why it was OK for him to do it but to me these were all the reasons why it was fine if I tried it.

So there I was, doing my first line, life was one big party, and all was fun. After a weekend of "partying", when I was hitting the "downer" I found myself sitting there and thinking I got to get out of here. So that's exactly what I did. I packed my things and moved out on my own, miles away. What I didn't realize was that at that point it was too late, I was hooked. I wasn't more than a day in my new place before I ran into some people I knew from childhood who now also "partied". And there I was doing it all over again.

Charmed