At the moment, I'm renting a room in an apartment in the semi-basement (big windows) of a nice lady. I was living with my boyfriend, but I just needed to get out of that toxic environment. I'm not exactly ready to talk about the shit that happened, it was messy, emotional and very confusing. Every time I try to talk about it I feel like it doesn't make sense. I just don't see the situation clearly anymore or I'm not strong enough to deal with it.
I'm constantly second guessing myself, one day I'm thinking I'm being manipulated and lied to, and the next I feel like I'm too demanding and I'm the problem. Relationships have always been an issue for me. I'd love to fix it but I just have no idea where to start. I've been trying to spend more time at home to distance myself lately so I can see the situation clearer. I love staying at home, but I don't have any friends in the area so it gets lonely on weekends. I had the idea that maybe getting a little dog would help keep me company.
Now after thinking about it long and hard I'm still not sure if I'm ready to commit. It's a lot of responsibility and I don't know if my life is stable enough right now. My feelings change so much from day to day it's hard to make any decision for the near future. I've always loved animals but its dogs I have a real passion for. I rarely cry during movies but if anything happens to a dog I actually start to cry. Fuck the humans right, it's the dogs that really matter. Just kidding. Dogs are just so innocent and helpless. For example, the movie 8 below made me cry like a baby.
Yesterday I had a dog come over to see if she would be comfortable around me, she's a timid little thing. She's an adorable half poodle and half chihuahua, the perfect size for what I'm looking for. I'm just scared to rush into it without being 100% sure I have the time and energy to give the dog the attention it deserves.
The owner was very understanding about giving me time to think it over to make sure I was doing the right thing and she said if I wanted to have another visit with the dog before deciding she would bring her over again. She had even offered to give her to me for free when she had originally planned to sell her for 200$. What was really holding me back is how tired I am lately and how doing normal everyday things like going to school, doing groceries, getting to the doctor, the dentist and to get my methadone is already difficult for me.
I feel so drained of energy no matter what I do and I think it's been like that since I quit drugs but it feels like its gotten worst. I don't want to believe that my past drug use is still affecting me and my everyday life but it is. It's hard to talk to anyone about this because I'd have to explain to them my previous drug use or that the medication I'm taking for it might be making me tired.
So making new friends, keeping appointments, going to school, keeping up with essays and finding a way to work without revealing anything can be extremely difficult. Even seeing old friends who know that part of me makes me nervous because I wasn't able to make new friends for fear of judgement I haven't socialized in a while and I'm also nervous to be put in an uncomfortable situation.
The social stigma and judgement surrounding addicts makes it almost impossible to tell anyone what I'm going through. The mistrust, the doubts, the looks of pity and the thoughts that I'm weak are sometimes too much to bare. It's a very real issue that addicts face and it hinders our recovery. Put aside the actual addiction to drugs and it's still extremely hard to get sober and stay sober because of the judgement that prevent us from reaching out. My heart goes out to all of you out there struggling with this.
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