Saturday, January 26, 2013

Drug of Choice

One addiction often leads to another. 

The first time I did cocaine I was 14 years old and I got addicted pretty fast. As for oxycotin, it was more of a sneaky addiction. At 13 years old, back before anyone knew what they really were, I got my hands on a few percocets. I did them once in a while when they were available to me and I  happen moved to my dads before I could get addicted. Once at my dads, I stuck with smoking weed and doing ecstasy for a while before I first did coke and started getting addicted. Not knowing I was addicted yet I moved back to my moms because I knew I'd be better taken care of, their be food and quiet home to relax in, not like when I was at my dads. What I didn't know was that my addiction would follow me where ever I went. I ended up dating someone who sold coke and got even more addicted since I did a large amount everyday. We also started doing oxys once in a while so we be able to relax and go to bed after we were done doing coke for the night. At that point I couldn't go with out coke but I could go without oxys, that's until my dad got me a connection to start selling oxys. Once I started selling I did so much of them that my body really couldn't go without it.

Now that I was fully addicted to coke and oxycotin it was hard to say which I was most addicted too. As time went on it became more and more obvious that my body needed the oxys and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke nothing else mattered but once the high went away my body screamed for an oxy. I was able to go without coke way longer then I could go without oxy. I'd even quit coke for a bit here and there but oxys were the one thing that I couldn't just stop because the withdrawals were to severe. Although after getting on methadone I wasn't ruled by my body any more but my mind. In a way trying to fix the mind can be even more confusing and difficult then fixing the body. At first it was all about doing coke since I didn't have any more withdrawals for oxys. That got me into a lot of trouble and made me do things that even today I do everything not to think of. It got to the point were enough was enough I didn't want to lose control of myself any more, so I quit for good. Sadly, I just ended replacing coke with oxys. I told myself that it wasn't at bad because  it didn't affect my decision making and it couldn't give me withdrawals any more.

I really believed that it didn't affect my decision making and that was my main argument. I was still myself, I didn't need it, I just chose to do it because I liked it and I was bored. It wasn't like coke were once I took a hit all I wanted to do was get more and I'd do anything to get more. With oxys, I did one I was satisfied for the day. I could choose not to do some if I didn't have money. The truth was that I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so when things got quiet or I just couldn't bare it any more I'd do an oxy and numb my mind. I was only able to stop once I made the decision to love myself again. I wanted to be able to enjoy my own company and to enjoy being alone. So I had to face those thoughts head on, change what I didn't like and  except what I couldn't change. I needed to realize that I was an intelligent person with a loving heart that could accomplish great things in life. That I was loved and cared for, I wasn't alone. That's when everything changed.