Has Christmas Changed or Have I ?

This Christmas just seems different from the rest. Last year my boyfriend asked me why I expected gifts from my parents and my answer was they have always done it and well this year I really wanted an e-reader. The truth is I needed the gifts to feel special and I felt like I deserved it. It was tradition I didn't want to let go of. Every year I looked at Christmas as an opportunity to get something, like most kids do. At 23 I was still feeling this way which seemed a bit old to my boyfriend, who said he hasn't expected anything from his parents in a long time. I just didn't see how he could compare the two since he never see's his family and I'm really close to mine, which is something I value greatly. Now one year later at 24 I didn't even think about what I wanted so when my parents asked I was at a loss. This felt odd to me because I'd always had a huge list ready for them every year, well not really for my dad anymore since I learnt years ago that something always happens around the holidays where money goes missing and he can't afford much. I didn't know what to ask for and after thinking about it real hard I mumbled something about if their dog had puppies I'd take one, pajamas, a spice rack, a computer desk or a crock pot. Whatever they could afford was fine and it could be second hand stuff. All I was really thinking about was spending time with them.

It's weird how my way of thinking changed without me even realizing it. Now I don't need presents from them to feel loved and I feel like whatever I need I can buy myself. Christmas and holidays should be about family but sadly our society puts a lot of importance on gifts to get us to spend tons and tons of money and in result kids expect it and parents feel the need to buy the best. I expected it for years, I'm not any different from anyone else, but I'm glad this year I've experienced this deep spiritual growth that’s made me realize what's really important. I'm just really happy to be at my mom's this holiday and it’s a big relief to not have to worry about school. I hadn't came to my mom’s since this summer which is probably the longest time I've went without seeing her and I missed her so freaking much. I even really missed my little brothers which don’t happen because I never go this long without seeing them. I just feel so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to spend time with them. To make things even better the oldest brother who's lives literally 3 days drive away is also at my mom’s for the holidays and my boyfriend who didn't get to come last years is coming down on Tuesday to be with my family for the holidays. Not to spoil the moment but I'm still a little worried he won't show up so I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed and will let you know what happens.

Charmed

My Christmas Tree @ home

Doing Easter Clean and Sober

Easter, for me isn't about religion like it is for most people but I do enjoy it and who's going to complain about an extra long weekend off. I always get a long weekend during the school year since I always have Fridays off so when there's a Monday thrown in well now that's a long weekend. With Easter already here and me almost being done this school year with final exams start next Monday I'm starting to really feel summer coming along fast. We finally just started getting nice weather here, that means its above 5 degrees Celsius which is still cold for most people but at lease its not minus 40 like it was in January and February. So visiting family with spring in the air is the best kind of Easter, It brings back memories of the chocolate filled mornings I use to have searching for my prize with my older brother. I even stole 1 smarty from my ten year brother earlier and we had a good laugh, I even teased him about the location of his stash. I also enjoyed a nice supper at my aunts and got to meet my cousin new born baby, she's six weeks old and my cousin is around my age. I even got to hold her after being a little apprehensive, I didn't know how I'd feel about it since my pregnancy issue I had a year ago. But everything was great and I enjoyed meeting her.

Its nice to be with family even if it can be tiring and stressful at times. This weekend I decided not to go out to the bar like I usually would on a holiday when I'm visiting family instead I'm enjoying just relaxing at my moms by myself. Although I would of liked to spend more time with the family I was tired and they wanted to go out. I'm suppose to go to my dads for a few hours tomorrow and I having a bit of anxiety over it. I just don't know how to feel about it. I'm suppose to pick up some of my stuff but I have no idea where I'm going to put it just that I don't want it there anymore, stuff is going missing like every time I've ever left my stuff with my dad. Its stressful and frustrating. I just want to go through it and keep what necessary with me and just forget the rest. I'm glad I grabbed my photo albums last time I was there. It seems he's with the woman who called the cops and my dad might go to jail which I talked about in the Daddy-going-to-jail post. So I really don't know what to expect when I go there. 

I also have a big project to do for school and it has to be done by Wednesday so I have to keep working on that all weekend. Last week I had to do another oral presentation and I must of got hit by the bad luck bus. The one day I had to get to class no matter what, since I had big presentation at 1:00 pm, my stupid alarm doesn't go off and I don't wake up until 1:00 pm. I even went to bed early to make sure I was rested and I still get up at 1. I was freaking out not believing the clock.  So I call a cab right away still in P.J.s, I throw whatever clothes I find on the ground, brush my teeth, tie my hair and get outside as the cab gets there. By then its just after 1:10 and I still need to go to library to print notes, so I can actually do the presentation, and then get to class. I kept thinking I'm not going to make it but after a 25$ cab ride and a run to the library I finally get to class at 1:40. Thankfully two other groups went before us and the second wasn't done yet so I actually got to do my presentation which was worth 25% of my final mark. Its funny how unlucky lucky I am. If that makes sense.

Happy Easter Everyone!
Charmed

My Dads Struggles With Addiction Sending Him to Jail

Well needless to say my father might be going to jail for allegedly assaulting an old roommate and friend of his. The guy he assaulted spent 6 days in the hospital and to make thing worst he is currently my best friends boyfriends roommate and friend so I kinda feel in the middle of all this. Being told each side of the story, a bit like the messenger because their not talking to each other but they want to know who made the call to the cops. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to say and what I shouldn't say. I obviously don't want my dad to go to jail but what he did was wrong and I want to do the right thing by my best friend.

So far it hasn't been too much of a problem because their more focused on the person who planned it, who pushed and manipulated until it finally happened and who called the cops when it was happening. The anger and blame is now focused on this person and rightly so. Its like this crazy person is trying to get revenge on everyone. They kept telling my father his old roommate was out to get him over and over again until one night when he was drunk he finally snapped and got violent which I know all to well how violent he can get when drinking. What saddens me is the last time he got violent with me, the only person who came to my defense was his roommate at the time, the guy he allegedly assaulted.

I still don't want my dad to go away but I'm mad he hurt the guy who once defended me by coming between my father and me. What a headache. I just hope the person that started this and manipulated my father to get what they wanted, which was the cops in that house, gets what they deserves and is made to take responsibility for their part in it. Justice. But the court thing is a mess and I don't think they know about that persons part in it so unless my dads tells the court they might get away with it even though they drove my father there.

Charmed

Sea Poem

At 14 years old in 2003, my mom and I made this poem when I kept moving back and forth from my dads who lived 5 hours away. I just found it in my diary and thought I'd share.

~SEA~

Sailing the great sea,

Feeling happy,

If the stars shine bright,

If every things right,

Under the sky, above the sea,

You'll be standing next to me,

If and when things go wrong,

We'll be holding strong,

Cause storms always passes,

Long before a new day begins,

We might of sailed different ways,

 But if it was meant to be,

We'll see each other some day,

Sailing on the same sea,

Charmed

The Evil Step Mother Part 2

I found a few of my old journals and started reading it out of curiosity. I really shouldn't of read it, its really amazing how the brain blocs out painful memories. I don't want to use the word abuse and neglect but deep down I know it to be true. She is really was not in any mental state to be around kids, she was vindictive, selfish and an addict which makes for very bad parenting skills. I believe that woman really traumatized me and my dad would leave me with her every week all week while he was gone trucking. Some of the things she said and did to me I cant even bring myself to talk about them. How can any person leave a 13 year old child stranded at night with no way home on purpose, and twice at that. The first time is mentioned in my post The Evil Step Mother. I had forgotten about the second time until I read the journal entry.

I started by writing about how I had called the movie theater to find out at what time our (me and my step sister) movie played and how long it was. The automated service told me the time in minutes so when I was calculating how long it be I made the mistake of thinking 100 minutes equaled out to 1 hour. Anyways what happened was that my step mother being drunk came to pick us up and we weren't out of the theater yet she left because I had told her it finished at 11:05 pm. We missed her by 10 minutes, she came at 11:15 and we got out at 11:25. Too scared to get caught drunk or whatever her reason was she didn't bother going inside and asking at what time our movie finished. After the movie we waited a few minutes before calling to know if she was on her way but she started yelling at me, calling me names, saying I was lying over and over, called me a little bullshitter, and a liar. She didn't even let me explain that  and apologize for getting the time wrong. She just kept yelling and calling me names so I hung up figured once she would cool down a bit she'd come and get us. By midnight she wasn't there yet so I tried to call her again but having no money I had to do a collect call. She didn't accept it and I know she picked up because I could hear the operator asking if she wanted to accept the call and she said NO. (and my father pays the phone bill)

I was 13 in a big city stuck outside after the movies closed and its after midnight where any number of bad things could of happened to us, two young girls alone in a deserted parking lot during the weekend. Which is very hypocritical of her since in my post No Rules Until Dad Gets Mad I explain how she kept worrying my dad with all the bad things that could of happened to me when I didn't come home one night. She kept repeating herself until my dad lost it, he was so far gone when I got home things got ugly. Such a hypocrite she was ready to leave us there all night. Why make a big deal of the dangers that can happen to us one day and leave us out in the cold the next. She didn't even have the decency to wake up my father who was home in bed because he had to work early to tell him she planned on leaving me outside all night and that I was stuck at the movies instead she just kept sitting at the kitchen table and drinking alone. I really really wonder how people can do such mean down right cruel things, to children none the less. Again I believe just like in part 1 of The Evil Step Mother she left me stranded because she was mad at my Dad. I know my dad would of came and got us no problem he wasn't drunk but again like the first time she didn't feel it necessary to let the father of the child know that his child was stranded when she was the one who was suppose to pick his child up. You would think my dad would leave the bitch by now but Noooo. I guess the safety of his child wasn't as important as that crazy ...................  <--- Fill it in with the meanest word you can think of.

The only other person that we could actually call was my step sister grandmother, my step mother's mother. So we tried to call over and over again but my Step mother had called there first and told her daughter that lived there to put the phone off the hook so the grandmother wouldn't be disturbed. Its bad enough she wasn't picking us up but she had to make sure we didn't get any help, she honestly planned out making us sleep outside. Those were her exact words when one of her drinking (drug) buddy called her and asked if she was going to come pick us up. Well passed 1 in the morning her friend, feeling bad for us, came to picked us up with her husband and give us a ride home. She had to stop at her sisters first so we didn't get home until close to 2 am and by that time my step mother was extremely drunk which meant volatile and violent. When I walked in she started screaming inches from my face that I was a fucking liar and she knew I never went to the movies when the whole time all I wanted to do is show her my movie ticket to prove to her that I really went. She kept screaming literally inches from my face that it was all my fault until she finally shoved me hard. I think that's when my dad showed up because he had gotten woken up and told me to go to my room. I knew she needed to calm down so I went to my room while my dad talked to her but she kept screaming she wanted me and my step sister in different rooms.

I didn't see her for the rest of the night so I'm not sure how everything went once I got to my room. My dad came and talk to me not long after I was in there and asked me what was going on so I told him and showed him the ticket. My dad believed me right away and he said he was sorry for the way she was acting towards me. I think he even called her crazy and some other stuff. I never felt at home since my dad moved in with her so after all that I didn't want to be left alone there with her. I asked my dad to leave with him when he left for work and he said sure. I was going to go trucking with him like I had before but when he woke me up as he leaving he asked me if I could stay because I had school and whatever other excuses he had. He said that she had calmed down.... like that really makes everything oki. I even think he talked about moving out together which gave me hope but as usual it just lead to disappointment. Despite this and so many other occasions where my step mother was terrible I know I should forgive her, not for her but for me. And sometimes when I believe I had, I remember just how bad she treated not just me, but my dad also, and that's when I feel like I haven't really forgave her. I'm not sure Ill ever be able to but I've gotten really good at not thinking about it.

Thanks for listening.
Charmed

Another Disapointment

Last time I talked to my dad he called me to see if I'd come down and go through my stuff like books and clothes that I had stored at his place. He ended up putting all my stuff outside in the frozen garage were bugs, mice, freezing weather and with who knows what else wrecking my stuff, when that wasn't our agreement. It was suppose to be stored in the house but he moved my stuff without asking me and only told me afterwards. What's frustrates me is that I don't asks him for much of anything, the only thing I've asked of my dad in forever is to keep my stuff stored were it can be safe and he can't even do that. Anyways we made plans for him to pick me up on Thursday around 3 pm when he was done work so I could go through my stuff at his place sometime during the weekend. Once I was all packed on Thursday I sat around waiting for my dad and he ended up calling to say he wasn't coming to pick me up until Friday at 3 pm now. Not really surprising but still frustrating. On Friday I was ready and waiting around by 3 but my dad didn't actually come pick me up till 4 and even then he sent his boss to pick me up. I was brought to the office so we could leave in the transport since he couldn't bring the transport through town. Once at the office I had to wait for my dad to get there and then I had to wait while my dad had a couple beers, while I just sat there and waited for him to DRIVE ME. Once he finished his last beer he decided he wanted a pill to stay up, so now I had to wait for him to get that. I was just sitting in the office waiting when he left with his boss to go do something else and that's when I almost got left there, which is in the middle of the bush, because when he told  his boss girlfriend that they wasn't coming back to the office and wanted her to meet up with them, he didn't tell her I would need a ride with her to go meet him. This made me feel like a child again where my dad was to busy with his addiction to remember me.

We didn't leave until 7 pm and I didn't get to my mom's until 8 pm. My dad said he was too tired for me to go through my stuff that night and made plans for me to come over Saturday and maybe even have supper with him but then Saturday he also said he was too tired. In the end I didn't even get to go through my stuff which in his mind was the reason I came down in the first place. Although I was also going down to visit my mother and my grandmother, my dad didn't know that and he still didn't seem to care that I didn't get to go through my stuff. This might not seem like a big deal but its a constant problem when it comes to my dad. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't get so frustrated and that what he is doing to me is ok. I'm just over reacting but then I realise I shouldn't have to put up with this. Not to mention that when he was making me wait I told him I really wanted to go or that he could of picked me up when he was ready to go,( instead of making me wait in the office while he got high) and he would tell me: well I work so hard this week, I worked 100 hours, I deserve this beer or to take a break before leaving, you can wait, right. Trying to get pity from me, which he always does with everyone. But you know what: We all work and we all have our own shit to deal with but when I tell someone I'll do something, I do it and I think of others. He's suppose to be my dad and help with my problems like most dads do. He shouldn't be trying to get pity from me with his problems. I would like to hear about how his doing if it wasn't all about getting pity from me and its not like he really asks me how my weeks been or if he does, he will tell me how his was worst all the time. I came to terms with not being able to depend on my dad years ago and I'm fine with it but he doesn't need to bring his shit to my door and expect me to pity him for his tough week or life or whatever. His life is His choice and Always has been.

Charmed

Bias Opinion

No Addiction Is The Same From One Person To The Other.

What if both parents are addicts but one of them (let's call them M) doesn't let it affect their life and their relationship with you, they keep their word, their there for you when you need them etc. And the other (let's call them D) is controlled by their addiction, they can stay up for days at a time, miss important moments, their not dependable, they don't keep their promises and they to often only care about their problems, etc. Am I delusional for believing that parent M has their addiction under control and I shouldn't worry about it too much. Its difficult for me to tell this parent what their doing is wrong and that they should stop since I was an addict myself, it would make me feel like a hypocrite. I often find myself not knowing what to say to them.   I find myself feeling frustrated with parent D while I'm fine with parent M and can often pretend like their not an addict (until I see clear emotional evidence when they lose patience or get angry fast). That can't be right, holding one responsible for their addiction while letting the other one off the hook. But then I guess I see it as parent D is letting themselves be controlled by their addiction, (I should know that no one lets themselves be controlled by their addiction) his isn't trying hard enough or doesn't care enough, when really I should be thinking that they're the ones who need more help. Funny things is I was more like parent D during my addiction so why can't I find more patience for them. I don't understand these feelings and I don't know what to do to help them or myself with these situation.

Sincerely Charmed

No Rules Until Dad Gets Mad

How Drugs and Addiction can exaggerate emotions.

Living with my dad there were barely any rules and partying was cool. So that's what I grew up thinking and as a teenager I thought I was lucky to have such a cool dad. I often did what I wanted without any repercussions. I got to smoke, drink, get piercings, date, have parties, sleepovers... But my dads girlfriend kids had more rules which I wasn't really accustomed to so I didn't really bother knowing them, I just kept doing what I usually did. Her oldest daughter was a couple months younger then me and we often did things together. One summer we started hanging out with these two guys who were best friends which led to us dating them. I had a major crush on one of them for a while so when it turned out he had a crush on me too it was kinda perfect since we would get to all hang out together. My boyfriend sold weed and magic mushrooms so it was always available, it was fun and harmless (so I thought).

One day they boys decided they wanted to show us a hunting cabin in the woods so off we went walking towards the cabin, not knowing how far it really was. And  2-3 hours later we finally arrive, tired and far from any phone, all we wanted to do was rest for a while. (I don't think they had cell phones back then) After resting for a few hours we realized we wouldn't make it back before it got dark. So we decided we should spend the night and leave early in the morning. (What a mistake that was). We had no idea how much our parents would freak out. Usually we would tell them where we were and everything was fine. But this time we didn't have a way to contact them so we thought they would understand that. Big mistake on our part trust me. The next morning the first thing we did was go to the nearest phone, which was still like 1 hour to 1 hour and 1/2 away from home. Our parents were furious, and even more so because they hadn't slept in a couple days since they had been partying when we left. I know my dad usually wouldn't of been that mad especially after I explained every thing to him. Unfortunatly by that point his girlfriend had been adding fuel to the fire for hours. Repeating over and over again, oh they might be dead, kidnapped, and other crazy stuff. (She was so toxic) At that point their was no reasoning with him. I told them where we were and that we were still over an hour away walking distance. I guess we were kind of hoping they would come and get us so we wouldnt have to walk. I figure if they were that worried they would come get us right away. To our surprise they told us to walk and hung up on us. (Yep definitely HIGH) We didn't look forward to the walk but I told my step sister that at lease they will have time to calm down. What a fool I was, I was just giving my crazy step mother more time to add fuel to the fire.

By the time we got there my dad was so angry that the second I step inside the house he grabbed me and by the neck and lifted me clear off the ground. He held me there and choked me until I couldn't breath and almost passed out (Not to mention I have severe asthma). Since they had called the cops the night before they had to tell them I was back home and the cop had to come over and check up on us. When the cop saw how angry my dad was and the red marks on my neck he asked if my dad had hurt me, I couldn't answer. My dad was like daring me to say something and I was so terrified of what he would try to do to the cop or to me. I never said anything and the cop left looking at me with regretful eyes. After he left I went to my room hoping it would stop there but it didn`t. My dad came up to our (me and my step sisters) room and started hitting me with pillows and screaming slut at me. I ran downstairs trying to get away but his girlfriend grab the back of my shirt collar and I fell backwards. Once I got back up my dad was already down stairs so I ran back upstairs and climb out my window before he had the chance to follow me. I hid behind the house for hours hoping they wouldnt find me. Eventually everything calmed down but I still had to walk around with black and blue fingerprints on my neck for weeks after as a reminder.

I know it was wrong not coming back home that night but I don't think I deserved that treatment. I truly believe my step mother had it out for me, my step sister didn't get a hand raised against her and I'm glad. I wouldn't want  that to happen to anyone. I know my father has to take part of the blame but my step mother did so many crazy things to me (but that's for another post) that I cant help but think she made everything worst. What I really didn't understand back then was why were they so mad that time. Sometimes it was oki not a big deal and other times it was the end of the world. Its not like I had any specific rules we had to obey. I guess it was more of a day to day thing depending on how the drugs affected their emotions and mind.

Charmed

Addiction Runs In The Family

Addiction: It runs in the family or should I say it RUINS the family. 

I think its a well known fact that children of addicts are more likely to become addicts themselves. For those of us living with it we know theirs much more to it then that. Theirs the constant struggle between balancing the love we have for our parents and not becoming like them. This is not a one time fact but a life long challenge. Especially at a young age when we haven't yet started forming our own identity. In my case, I know having a parent who struggled with addiction had a strong impact on the choices I made, but they were just that my choices. I wont put all the blame on circumstances because that would take away the power I have to make the right decisions today. If I kept blaming circumstances then I would use that as a the perfect excuse to keep using. Despite that I would still like to look at the circumstances that had the biggest impact on my decisions.

After fighting like crazy with my mother so she would let me move with my father, I actually got to spend time with him. He would bring me to the movies, the book store, the restaurant, just me and him. He would bring me every where with him on his time off. Its some of the best times I had with my dad even if he was partying a lot. I idolized my father and before my parents separated I went every where with him also. But then he met his girlfriend and everything changed. The weekends that we usually spent together became their time together and he started making less and less time for us to spend together alone. If he did she would get mad and make him think it was about something else. She got jealous but she hid it from him. I didn't need all his time I just wanted some alone time like we use to have once in a while. It got even worst when we moved in with her. It got to the point where he couldn't even give me money without her getting mad. She made sure he would spend all his money on drugs by having some for him before he even got home from work. She knew once he started he wouldn't stop. 

She started smoking weed with me but not with her own kids that were my age. Her kids were too good for that even if they wanted to smoke. Protecting them but not me. Eventually I realized that the only way to get quality time with my father was to start doing what he was doing. So once he offered I started doing coke with him. I finally started having more time with my dad even if we weren't alone I was happy. I wasn't yet addicted since I was only doing it on weekends when my dad was home from work. He was gone trucking during the week. But then his girlfriend started offering me some during the week, asking me not to tell my dad what she was doing. She even kept me home from school but made her kids go. Again I believe she was protecting her kids but throwing me to the wolves, so to speak. And from there things started going from bad to worst.

Charmed

Here another blog of a Child of an addict
http://theaddictschild.blogspot.ca/

Running Away

After my parents separated and my mom moved back to my home town, five hours away, I was always torn between having both my parents in my life. I was a Daddy's girl, I thought he was always right  although he had disappointed me often he always had a «good» excuse and I still believed in them. Despite all that my mom was my mom, she was always there for me, she kept her promises. I could depend on her, really depend on her, so I was always torn. The fact that they also both wanted me with them and tried to convince me to live with them made it easier for me to run away from my problems. Every time I couldn't handle something or when I didn't get my way I had the opportunity to move away, far away. Problems with drugs, friends, school, parents, break up... 

I moved around soo much, I was never able to really settle down and after soo many times I stop bothering with unpacking everything. I lost a lot of important stuff with all the moving. The time that hurt me the most was when I moved back to my moms and whatever I hadn't brought with me for my visit with her, was left at my dads. My dads girlfriend had kids around my age who just stole all my stuff even my moms engagement ring from my dad, that had been given to me after they separated. My dad didn't do anything to help, he didn't seem to care and since then I've always been protective of my things. The one exception was when my addiction was pretty bad and I moved back to my moms after living on my own. That time I left a lot of sentimental and important things behind. What drives me crazy about losing all that stuff is that we never had much money so replacing anything was almost impossible and that's if it was even replaceable.

When running away we often leave behind more then our problems. Although more than that  by getting in the habit of running I forgot how to slow down and appreciate the people around me. I also didn't get to learn how to deal with being wrong and solve problems effectively. Its like I still cant be wrong, Ill argue my point until I blue in the face even when I get that lil voice telling me I'm wrong. Ill ignore it. As for resolving problems I'm still learning how to listen to the other persons point of view and compromise. Whats important is being open to learn, grow and change. Trying new ways when the old ones aren't working, instead of giving up and running away.

~Charmed~

How Addiction Happened to Me

Addictions usually start when some problem or hurt happens in someones life. For me, I believe it started when my parents separated.  Being such a daddy's girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn't in my life as much.Their were the insults back and forth between my parents and the pain they were in upset me. It felt like my whole world came crashing down. I felt like Id been lied to and resented everyone for it, so I started rebelling. Its a common fact that teenagers rebel but for me it started a bit earlier than. I  was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry very easily. I felt like no one understood me and people saw me as being spoiled which didn't help because I felt the opposite of spoiled. Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious, I was really hurt and people didn't seem to notice that. So I started staying out late, smoking cigarettes, hanging out with the wrong people and that was about it for a while.

Around the same time all of this was happening I found out my dad was doing drugs, my hero, the one person I looked up to. Which got me thinking "drugs are normal, their not a big deal, everyone's doing it, even parents". With that in mind, around the age of 12-13 I started smoking pot with my dads girlfriend. It might seem horrible, but I was so angry and hanging out with the wrong people, it was bound to happen even if parents weren't involved. The way things were going it was probably only a matter of time before I would of started smoking it but I'll never know for sure. Escalating from pot to harder drugs is very common, and for me, it was only a matter of time.

Stay tuned for my next post on the Escalation of my addiction.
Ill also think about what could of been done to help and share it with you.

Charmed