Guest Post: Depression & Addiction

This is a Guest Post from a wonderful strong woman in her 40s who would like to remain anonymous  This post really shows how depression can lead to addiction and how addiction can make depression worst after a while.

As a teenager I struggled with depression, not knowing it at the time I was very confused. I was the youngest of 9 kids. This was back in 1979 when I first swallowed a full bottle of pain medication only to wake up throwing up and not telling anyone about it. Not too long after, at the age of 19 I met my future husband, who in my mind was exactly what I needed. He had access to wonderful drugs and my ticket out of depression. My marriage lasted 12 years and we had 2 children together. After all the partying and depression I still managed to raise my kids with good morals, self respect and confidence. I am very proud of my children but not of myself as much. Needless to say I self medicated to try to fix myself. To fix the unhappiness I felt. I finally got some help at 33 and was put on the anti depressant Paxil. Thats when I took time off work and separated from my now ex husband.

I was clean from drugs for a good 5 years and had my third child before I relapsed. A year of postpartum depression got me into drugs again. I had been heavy into drugs for about 4 months when I had my second suicide attempt. After that I got into therapy for about 2 years and managed to leave my second failed relationship with the father of my third child. I also got on the methadone program for 5 and a half years and eventually with the help of my doctor I was able to ween myself off methadone. It took me 3 attempts to finally get off and my third attempt was successful because I dropped my dosage by 2 mg each week for a year and a half. In the end, for the last 2 months I got daily migraines, for which the doctor prescribed both Tylenol and Ibuprofen  It will be a year at the end of May 2013 that I've been off methadone and off my anti depressants that I had been on for 13 years. I'm very proud of it!

Alternative Addiction Recovery Programs

I worked very hard researching for this post and it took me a couple days to finish but as promised I'm ready to explain 2 of the different alternatives I had mentioned in my recent post We Need More Alternatives To 12 Step Programs. They were all great and different in their own way and I think that's important because we are all different. Options are important as I've mentioned in my other post because no one should be denied recovery.

 It would be a shame if someone were to be trapped in the never ending cycle of addiction just because they don't know about the alternatives or don't have the right program (for them) offered to them. I honestly believe that it took me way longer to get sober because the right program wasn't available to me. It would of been so much easier on me and saved a lot of time and heartache if I would of had something like SMART offered to me but I didn't so I had to do it the hard way without a program. 

We need to truly believe in the program we are working to recover, so forcing the wrong program on someone is pointless. Therefore, I hope by giving a brief description and my opinion on the programs will help others in search of recovery get an idea of what might work best for them and what else is out there. This is to help people find the right recovery program. 

I'll start with the SMART Recovery Program which stands for  Self-Management And Recovery Training. This program teaches us self-empowering tools based on scientific research to quit any addictive behaviors. You can find the power point Intro to SMART here. I love this program because its based on Self Empowerment which is something I fully believe in, and all that is needed is a want to stop the addictive behavior that is troubling you. 

None of that you need to abstain from everything, even sometimes your medication from your doctor. Its all about learning the coping skills necessary to address the thoughts and behaviors that lead to using. Theirs nothing religious about the program whatsoever, which makes me more comfortable with my recovery process.

 I like that this program isn't meant to be permanent because they believe people can fully recover so you can stay with the program only as long as you think you need it. SMART lets you build your own recovery with their tools like worksheets, power points and readings which are all based on their 4 point program. And they also have the support needed to help with your recovery thanks to the face-to-face meetings around the world, the daily online meetings, the online message board and the 24/7 chat room which are also all excellent places to learn about the program as well as getting support. SMART offers tools and techniques for each of the 4 points in the program:

1. Building and Maintaining Motivation
2. Coping with Urges
3. Managing Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors 
4. Living a Balanced Life

I haven't been able to find the free version of the SMART handbook which talk about the 4 points so we have to pay for it at their bookstore but I know if I was an addict I wouldn't have the money to buy anything so I found other great material they offer such as articles and essays, forums and a blog. I found the blog was good for motivation and information on how to change. There is also more stuff once you register like the tool chest and the chat room. 

You can start pretty much with any tool in the tool chest since you create your own recovery with the help of the tools available but many people start by reading the power point for the Cost Benefit tool (CBA) with the cost and benefit worksheet. I also suggest reading the power points such as SMART ABC Tutorial and going to the forums and the chat rooms to get more information and support. I think this program is wonderful and the best for me so I'll probably try it out myself on my addictive habit of drinking caffeine. 

I love that their program works for any addictive behavior like smoking or caffeine. You only need to want to stop any one of your addictive behavior to join the program and you can do it all online, no need to leave home. Although I found it a little confusing at first not knowing exactly where to start. Hopefully this info will make it a little bit easier for you to get started. My finale advice is read all you can, it helps a great deal with motivation and the whole recovery process by giving you useful information.

Next is The Life Ring which is a none religious-secular recovery program that believes that addicts have a sober self  and an addict self who are in conflict with each other and can be easily influenced by other people's sober or addict self which is why meetings are so important. They say meetings empower your sober self so you have to keep attending meetings which means this program is meant to be permanent and can not be done completely online. Life Ring is based on their 3 "S" philosophy, Sobriety, Secularity, and Self-Help.

Sobriety: The basic membership requirement is a desire to remain abstinent from alcohol and “drugs.” They say: "Please look elsewhere for support if your intention is to keep drinking or using, but not so much, or to stop drinking but continue using, or stop using but continue drinking." Their motto is “we do not drink or use, no matter what.” 

Secularity: Life Ring Recovery welcomes people of all faiths and none.  You get to keep whatever religious beliefs you have, and you are under no pressure to acquire any if you don’t. Life Ring supports recovery methods that rely on human efforts rather than on divine intervention.

Self-Help: Self-help in Life Ring means that the key to recovery is the individual’s own motivation and effort. The main purpose of the group process (meetings) is to reinforce the individual’s own inner strivings to stay clean and sober. Life Ring is a permanent workshop where individuals can build their own Personal Recovery Plans.

The Life Ring book that you would really needed to buy so you can start using the program is the workbook called Recovery By Choice. This workbook provides a structure for the recovering person to build an abstinence based recovery plan that matches his or her particular problems and needs. Fortunately, they also have an area online called the Toolbox  with some information on the tools used to get sober that people have shared but there wasn't that much information there so you would indeed need the workbook. 

Thankfully, the Life Ring also have a Blog, Forums and Keepers which are stories of people using the Life Ring. They also provide Online Support such as chat rooms, Group Emails and a social network called Ning. The Life Ring also holds International Meetings which is great because face to face meetings is the most important tool for the Life Ring Recovery Program.

Hope this Helps 
Charmed

PS: If I was misinformed about any of these recovery programs, please let me know, thanks

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's day is such a special day, I'm not a mom myself but I know how much mothers are important in our world and how often they go unappreciated when we are children. They are the foundation of our humanity, the rock and glue that holds us up and keeps us together. I'm so happy I got to come down and visit my mom this weekend. I had really missed her and hadn't seen her in over a month. She isn't just my mother she's my best friend and we share this amazing bond. A bond that has grown by leaps and bounds throughout my addiction and recovery. After everything we went through together and having her by my side through it all. The dedication and strength she had to help me get better is just amazing and I don't think she even realizes how great she really is. I can tell her all my secrets and she always has the best advice. She's there when I need her even when I don't ask. She's always thinking of her children and puts them first. Her big heart knows no bounds. She's selfless and strong. She's my mother and I love her. Since I don't have any money this Mother's day I wanted to dedicate a post just for her. Sharing one of my fondest memories of her and a poem I wrote for her.

One Of My Fondest Memory:

One summer about 4-5 years ago we decided to go camping together, something we hadn't done in a very long time. It was an all girls camping trip with two of my aunts who were also camping with us. I remember sharing a tent and cooking on the fire, playing cards late into the night. We had the best time and I was so happy. I had all of my mother attention because none of my brothers or our boyfriends were there. It’s a memory I cherish and hold close to my heart. I'm always hoping we can make a similar memory in the near future. I have brought it up a couple summers in a row now so hopefully we will go this summer just the two of us. I really miss the bonding time we had camping but any time spent with my mom is cherished. I'm so lucky to have such a great mom.

Poem: Dear MOM

You always come to help me 

You always want to be there for me

Even when you shouldn't be able

Your love is truly unconditional

You never gave up on me

When everyone said let it be

You stood by me through it all

Picked me up when I would fall

Thanks to your love and patience 

I have finally found my confidence

I turned out great to everyone dismay

You taught me to be the woman I am today

For all of that and more I have to say

I love you more every single day

You’re not just my mom, you’re my best friend

And you will be in my heart till the very end

Thank You Mom for all that you are to me.

Charmed 

Photo Album: The Perfect Way to Get Stuck in the Past

Photo Albums. We all have them but how many of us actually look through them? And how often? Does it bring a good feeling or does it bring longing for a moment that has long past us? Should we even look through them? They say not to get caught up in your past, but then why do we have photo albums? These are the questions that went through my mind when I found a couple old photo albums late one night. It’s hard to describe the feeling I got when I was going through the albums that contain my memories.

I find myself thinking, how can I compete with that. Are my best days already past? Sometimes I see the possibilities missed, other times I long for that confident girl who always had fun. Always I wish that my present would be as worth remembering as those moments in my past. When I look into that past I realize just how much I'm wasting my present by not making the most of it. Too damaged to take the risks needed to make it all worthwhile.

My addiction has made me weary and cautious. I have become a shadow of myself. I felt like I had lost myself along the way and that I desperately need to find that girl again. Recovery has been great, way better than even the best day of my addiction but I’m human and I’m still learning to not be scared of taking chances. This isn’t always easy because part of my recovery was to avoid taking chances and I’m still learning the balance between the chances worth taking and the ones to avoid.

 I’m realizing that I won’t always know what situation I’m getting into when it comes to meeting new people and going new places but that’s a chance I need to take if I am to make friends and become more confident like I was in the photos. Having friends is important because what are memories without friends to share them. Recovery doesn’t come without its challenges, something recovering addicts know well.

Finally last weekend brought me a little bit of hope that I might do more with my life than just staying at home and going to school or work. Since its way easier to meet new people when you’re with a friend I'm hoping getting together with an old friend will bring more fun into my life. Don't get me wrong I do a lot of things that make me happy but they are things I do by myself. I feel like I need to get out and socialize. There’s something important and special about bonding with others that can’t be found alone at home.

Like last weekend when I spent time with my long time best friend who I hadn’t seen in a very long time. That reminded me how important friends are and how much I missed her. I just really hope there's a lot more of those good times ahead especially with summer almost here it’s the perfect time to make new memories. I just have to push myself out of my comfort zone and try not to let my past addiction make me wary of new situations or being out with people. I won’t always know what I’m in for, but I need to take chances if I’m to make the rest of my life the best of my life.

Charmed

PS: This was also published on the Challenging Addiction Blog
http://challengingaddiction.com/dealing-with-photo-albums-fan-submission/

Poem: Addiction How We Came To This

Unequipped to deal with it all,

When we met I was bound to fall,

Monkey see, Monkey do,

My parents taught me to fall for u,

Young, naive and carefree,

My whole life ahead of me,

Did I ever have a chance,

Against your captivating trance,

Promises of forgotten pain,

And to never be alone again,

Your lies were too tempting,

Without skills of reasoning,

How could I know better,

With parents who never,

Their reasoning in defense,

Beat my common sense,

Charmed

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

My Life On Pain Killers

I know I've talked about my addiction to Pain Killers before but this video explains more about the day to day life when I was addicted. I used to snort Oxycontin daily and could not function with out them. I got addicted at a young age and I even had perks prescribed to me pretty easily for my tooth. Its hard for someone who isn't an addict to understand the pain we addicts are in and how our minds are literally unable to think about anything else until we get our fix. It comes to the point where its not even about the high anymore we just want to function without pain. I would wake up and not be able to think, eat, or even get out of bed without a pill. I was in the worst physical pain I had ever been in. It was just a continuous, none stop, nagging pain deep in my bones and muscles. It felt like torture. The emotional pain which is soo terrible also comes back ten time worst but its nothing compared to the physical pain. All of the pain was unbearable and I don't know what I would of done with out methadone. At lease now that I've been able to learn the coping skills necessary to stop using because I've had time to think without pain. Something I could of never done before. And now that I'm better of spirit and mind I can work towards slowly getting off methadone with the supervision and help of a doctor.

Charmed

Poem Alone In Your Presence

All alone in your presence.

Did you notice my style

Do you see me smile

I seek your attention

Your love, your passion

Your right here beside me

But I'm still so alone, you see

Doesn't matter that your there

When you don't seem to care

I've been on my own

Always all alone

When its all said and done

Its a relationship for one

Your actions betray your words

For it can't be love that your in

And if it isn't love that you've found

Then why keep me around

Charmed