Its Been 6 Years Since I Decided to Quit & Get Clean

I've never been one to focus on the exact date I got clean because I relapsed so much in the beginning that I just stopped keeping track. I'd get so disappointed in myself every time I had to start over again that it wasn't helping me stay sober and happy. Disappointment led to me relapsing to make those thoughts go away. Another problem with me keeping a sober date was that there's so much controversy over methadone and actually being clean and sober. Not to mention that I do drink a couple times a year and rarely to the point of actually getting drunk, but I've also never had a problem with alcohol and I've never associated alcohol with drugs.

People are going to disagree with me on whether I'm clean or not and because of that I usually avoid mentioning how long I consider myself to have been not in "active addiction/use" (is probably a better way of putting it). What matters here is that I believe I started changing my life and getting out of the vicious cycle of addiction 6 years ago this month.

In August 2008, I did something I was very ashamed of and that ended up being the final straw for me in my cocaine addiction. I've never really talked about this incident with anyone (well until now), because I was so embarrassed I could hardly live with myself. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened because even though I was an addict I still saw myself as having morals and standards. Thankfully I wasn't able to forget it and the experience was able to motivate me to quit coke for good. This embarassing experience is still not easy for me to talk about but part of my recovery is learning to accept my mistakes.

The "big bad thing" I did was sleep with someone I normally wouldn't of slept with because I was high on coke partying with him. Oh and did I forget to mention he was my Dads friend and quite a bit older then me. It's not that he was unattractive or else I wouldn't of slept with him. He was a well known, kind of business man, that had the interest of quite a few of girls. (If you read my blog on a regular basis then you know that my dad is also an addict and that's just the kind of people he hung out with.) I did a lot of stupid and shameful things during my addiction and I'm not sure why this particular incident was the last straw for me, but I'd had enough. It was probably the accumulation of everything I had done and that one last thing was enough to just pushed me over the edge.

This was a low moment for me and something in me just snapped and I was like no more. This guy called the next day and a few times after that to go on a date or hang out but I avoided him like my life depended on it. I was done with that drug. Once I had made up my mind and started associating it with this disgusted feeling, not doing any became much easier. I still had those urges but they were rare especially compared to my oxy addiction (but that's a post for another time). I was able to be around the drug almost right away and not do any. The temptation was barely there and I think that had a lot to do with the experience causing me to associate this disgusted feeling with doing coke.

Am I the odd one out for not knowing my exact sober date ? Most people know the exact date they got clean and it seems very important. Its a bit more complicated for me as I had two drugs of choice and didn't quit them both at the same time. Although I wasn't off everything, the way I look at it is that 6 years ago this month I stopped doing coke on a daily basis and that's when my life started changing. I think that was a big turning point for me and that makes it a really important moment.

Did you have a turning point where you decided you had enough of the addiction ? Please let me know it the comments below and maybe leave a link to your blog if you want so I can go check it out. Thanks =)

Charmed <3

Have You Ever Been Bored in Recovery ?

I believe most recovering addicts had to deal with this at some point so I thought I'd write a post about how I overcame being bored when I first started my recovery process. This is a serious issue some of us face and has even led to some relapses for me. Once I stopped continuously searching for a way to get more drugs, which is a very consuming task, I had all this free time on my hands. I went from having something to do 24/7 to having nothing to do. It was a major change that I hadn't anticipated. I was constantly plagued with the feeling of being bored and it wasn't that I couldn't find anything to do but that nothing seemed interesting to me, and that put me on edge.

Boy, did that ever make me feel guilty. I was finally blessed with being sober and I felt bored. One of the worst parts about being bored is that all my thoughts came rushing to the forefront of my mind with no distractions to keep them at bay. It was way easier to only have to deal with my thoughts a little bit at a time but when I was bored they were ALL very present and very real. It was difficult to take it all in and sometimes Id relapse just to avoid all these thoughts rushing in at once. I knew I had to find something to keep me busy because I was determined to get clean and stay that way.

To try and help with the boredom I started thinking about what I use to like doing before I became a full blown addict. I also started thinking about what goals I wanted to achieve and what my dreams and aspirations were for my future. I needed to find things that inspired me and got me motivated which wasn't all that easy at first, nothing seemed interesting. Finding something to get you interested is going to be different for everyone but for me the process of moving past this initial boredom was when I picked up a book for the first time in years. I used to love reading growing up and rediscovering this long time passion really got me out of that rut of initial boredom.

After that everything slowly started getting better as I found more and more things to inspire and motivate me. Deciding to go to back to school was a big part of the recovery process. I needed to build a future for myself and what better reason than that to get motivated. So now I had reading and schooling to keep me company. I finally felt like I was being productive and I had something to be proud of. Soon after I was motivated to get a part time job and getting close with my family again. Something I wasn't ready for at the beginning of my recovery because I needed time to heal before putting myself out there again. Especially with a family who is well acquainted with drugs of all kinds.

This is different for everyone but if your faced with this feeling of boredom and contemplating using again to get away from that nagging feeling of having nothing to do and nothing interest you, or to keep all those thoughts from overwhelming you, I urge you to keep looking for your passion. Something that motivates you. Think about your future. Stay sober and keep looking for that one thing that inspires you, I promise it will all be worth it.

PS. Here's a little something I learned from one of my research papers at school.

Life in recovery isn't boring, that's your brain playing tricks on you. The chemicals in your brain that make you happy and make things interesting are reduced when your first starting recovery because most drugs provide these chemicals and your brain gets use to not having to produce them naturally. When you get sober you won't be receiving the chemicals provided by your drug of choice anymore and it will take your brain sometime to naturally start producing them again. Just give it time and soon enough your brain will realize it needs to start producing them naturally because you won't be giving it these chemicals.

Much Love, Charmed

Aren't All Women Suppose to be Domesticated

Lately I've been thinking more and more about how other women do it. Its seems so easy to some women to take care of their home and family. Its like they were born with this innate ability or talent of being the perfect house wife. Their houses are always clean and the meals are always cooked. Some even have a job on top of this. Where do they get the energy?This seriously puts me to shame. I really envy them, there like supermoms. I know my moms one of these super mom. She keeps everything clean and everyone fed. I wonder if most women are like this and if I'm the odd one out.

I'm a low energy person and I really like my sleep. Im often tired even before I got pregnant which makes it hard to do much of anything. I also dread cleaning since I do it a lot at work but that doesn't mean I don't get around to it. I cook supper usually 3 days a week and I clean the laundry, bathroom and floors at least once a week. I even get all the garbage together most weeks for my hubby to take out in the morning. But sometimes people around me and society make me feel like I'm still not doing enough.

I really have a hard time getting the dishes done. Its definitely the worst. I've asked my hubby if that could be a chore he was responsible for and do it once a week on weekends since I do other stuff but I'm made to feel like that's asking too much of him since he works hard labor all week. But am I really asking too much. If he did I would definitely cook more. I don't know, supposedly compared to the wife's of the guys my hubby works with, I could be doing more and not expecting help. I just don't see that as fair but it still makes me doubt myself. 

What do you guys think, should I do more? Please let me know in the comments below.

Sincerely Charmed

5 Ways to Take Care of Your Pregnant Wife

I thought this was perfect for what I'm going through with my

 pregnancy a little help makes a big difference. I hope you all 

enjoy this post and find it as useful as I did.

5 Ways to Take Care of Your Pregnant Wife by Daphne Holmes.  

She is a writer from http://www.arrestrecords.com and 

you can reach her at daphneholmes9@gmail.com.

5 Ways to Take Care of Your Pregnant Wife

Although it can be difficult to put yourself in her shoes, supporting your wife during pregnancy is part of your responsibility as a partner and mate.  And while you probably mean well, there is understandable confusion surrounding pregnancy and childbirth, especially for fathers furnishing support throughout the process.  First time moms and dads are particularly naïve to the trials of pregnancy and child-rearing, so you may find yourself learning lessons alongside your wife, as she struggles to make sense of never before seen changes and challenges.

There is no precise blueprint available defining how pregnancy will impact expectant mothers and their families, so thinking on your feet is part of the experience. There are, however, proven approaches to help dads support the pregnant women in their lives.

Become a Resource

Questions and considerations swirling around pregnancy can be overwhelming for expectant mothers, especially those who have never been through pregnancy and childbirth.  To pick up the slack where it's most needed, supportive husbands take their roles seriously, by learning as much about the process as possible and staying informed about their wives pregnancies. That way, they are at-the-ready with answers to questions their wives may have, and are dedicated to doing the research to provide reassurance when issues arise.  Learning together, from books and online resources, helps distract moms-to-be and reinforces each family member's stake in the health and well-being of mother and child.

Fill the Correct Roles

Women are specialists in particular areas, so men compliment their needs during pregnancy and beyond.  To furnish the highest level of support possible, take-on tasks outside your wife's abilities and communicate with her to learn her precise needs.  By filling-in exactly where she needs you, the stage is set for her to focus on the unique challenges of pregnancy and childbirth.  You may find yourself in unfamiliar territory, assuming jobs once held by your wife, but a united front is the most effective approach, despite the temporary shake-up of family roles.

Participate in Prenatal Care

Active participation with the medical aspects of pregnancy and childbirth illustrates husbands' commitments to their wives' well-being and adds back-up to ensure doctors' orders are followed.  To stay informed, accompany your wife to her medical appointments, and participate in the dialog with doctors.  In addition to addressing your own questions, taking part in the process sheds light on issues your wife may not anticipate.  Working together, you'll develop a shared understanding about the experience and devise mutual strategies for overcoming pregnancy hurdles.

Accommodate Morning Sickness

One of the more miserable wild-cards tied to pregnancy is morning sickness, which impacts a significant share of pregnant women.  And despite its name, symptoms are not limited to a particular time of day.  Commonly experienced from the first through fourteenth weeks of pregnancy, the malady carries-on much longer for some pregnant sufferers.  Headaches, nausea, sleepiness and vomiting are common symptoms, which vary in intensity across women encountering morning sickness. To help your wife overcome morning sickness, adopt a flexible approach, responding to illness as it shows itself.  Be prepared to pick-up tasks for your wife as she becomes tired or sick, and keep common remedies on hand to alleviate her symptoms.

Remain Positive

Women experience hormonal shifts and physical changes during pregnancy, leaving them unsure about their feelings, at times.  Your positive attitude is the perfect prescription for mental and emotional fitness, drawing your wife's thinking away from negative cycles sometimes associated with pregnancy.  Encourage your wife during pregnancy, even when she is off her game. The positive spin might be enough to mitigate despair, so never underestimate the impact of a supportive approach.  Women also suffer with body image perception issues during pregnancy, as they experience physical changes and gain weight along the way.  To protect her self-image, be sure to compliment your wife and call attention to her physical beauty.  Though your wife may not feel attractive, your praise and encouragement keep her from feeling alone during pregnancy. Although child-bearing may seem outside your area of expertise, it is important to support your wife as she carries your child.  By tuning-in to her particular needs, and filling them precisely, you'll enable your wife to focus on the unique challenges of pregnancy without succumbing to stress and anxiety.

Author:

Daphne Holmes contributed this guest post. She is a writer from http://www.arrestrecords.com and you can reach her at daphneholmes9@gmail.com.

Still Feeling the Effects of My Total Meltdown

I don't know why certain things affect me so much and pretty much cause me to have a meltdown/panic attack that last for hours. Some bad situations just rock me to the core. I've always known I'm a really sensitive person and being pregnant and all hormonal probably didn't help but some of the things people do just really get to me.

One minute I'm super excited listening to tunes while waiting for my hubby to get home from work so we can go do some grocery shopping in our new car that we just put on the road today. This meant I'd get to practice my driving for my full licence that I plan on going for at the end of the month. AND THEN I get a text from my boss saying I've gotten complaints from customers and workers that your not working as good as you use to so take this week to relax and you will have back your normal hours next week.

LIKE SERIOUSLY WTF!! Of course I'm not as good as I use to be I'm 6 month pregnant, hello!! I was their best employee for god knows how long and they only one they trusted to open the store on weekends and this is how they treat me. I have 3 weeks left with them until I leave due to my pregnancy and I told them, many times now, that I needed as many hours as possible before I leave. Raising a baby isn't cheap!

Extremely hurt, I proceeded to ask her what I had done wrong so I could fix it and she didn't want to tell me until I came in to pick up my check on Friday. AGAIN WTF! So you tell me something like that and then decide to not tell me what really wrong, so I can then worry about it for days and have my mind think of all the worst possible scenarios. NOT FUCKING COOL! Pardon my language. But she does know I'm pregnant right, its kind of obvious at this point. I've been there longer then everyone beside the manager and one day staff. Why would she stress me out and do this to me when I only have 3 weeks left there.

I know for a fact that I'm a better worker then half the people there. I've been doing this job for over 4 years and I take pride in my work. I've been told by my bosses numerous times how much of a good job I'm doing but now that I'm pregnant they cant be a little understanding. My boss even told me 2 weeks ago I couldn't take the weekend off for my baby shower because she was getting married. That she needed me and that she only trusted me to open the store. So I had to cancel the day that worked best for me and everyone else for my baby shower because of her and now she does this.

How is all of this fair in anyway. I just don't get it. I cried over this pretty much all day.i even had a panic attack on the bathroom floor, home by myself worrying my ass off about money. I was angry, bitter and sad. I came so very close to texting her back and just saying you know what I quit. If you don't appreciate me and your going to pull this shit. I QUIT! But after thinking about it a lot I didn't because I really need the money. I was hoping Id be making money off my blog by now, but the ads aren't really selling much, and I guess I'm fine with that because that's not why I blog. Its just an added bonus. Anyways I decided to see what she had to say on Friday and if it still bothered me this much I was going to give her a piece of my mind and tell her I quit.

What do you guys think?

Sincerely Charmed

PS: I think this is the perfect opportunity to try and sell some of the healing trees I hand make with crystals that have natural healing properties on ebay again. Hopefully this time I actually sell some :)

PSS: I recently came across 2 blogs that have quickly become my Top Favorite Blogs. Great Post about Addiction, Recovery and everything in between by Amazing Supportive Individuals. If you like this blog then please go check them out, I guarantee you wont regret it.
The Secret Slayer
The Methadone Maze

Violent Outbursts & The Negative Effects of Benzos

Violent outburst, no guilt, and emotional detachment were just some of the negative effects I had to suffer at the hands of someone who was addicted to Benzos. When I was in active addiction I never came accross Benzos so I never did any. I had no idea what they were until someone I cared about got addicted. I had been clean for a couple years before I learned what they were. While I was in a serious relationship with another recovering addict he relapse and I had no idea what was going on. I was so uninformed about Benzos I had no clue that getting a script would cause him problems. 

He eventually told me that he use to get Benzos prescribed to him for anxiety but that he didn't really need them. He said he would take them to get to bed after getting high so I figured since he wasn't using anymore I had nothing to worry about. I still asked him why he decided to get a script if he didn't really have anxiety. His excuse was he needed money and wanted to sell them. For some reason I believed him and let it go at that. I didn't know they were a problem drug a lot of people get addicted to. He would say they weren't a big deal because they were prescribed to him.

Once he got the script he snorted the whole thing in the matter of days. A months worth in as little as 3 days. He tried to hide it from me, but it didn't take me long to realize he wasn't himself. It felt like I was living with a total stranger, like he was someone completely different. I wasn't sure what the cause was at first but I soon figured it out. I put two and two together, which wasn't too hard for me to do considering I know the signs of addiction all too well.

He got very aggressive, threatening, distant and without guilt. By the time he got his 3rd script I finally couldn't take it anymore and I flushed the rest of his pills down the toilet. He raced to the bathroom and pushed me in the tub to save his precious pills. It didn't matter that I was pregnant at the time. It was all very traumatic. I probably shouldn't of flushed them but I was hormonal and he was distant with no emotions. I was hurt and lost but I really loved him. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

If the pills are taken as prescribed they help a lot of people but he was abusing them and that's what caused our problems. They are meant to numb anxiety but if you take ten times the required amount you numb absolutely everything. Guilt and conscious with it. Anxiety and fear to a certain degree is a good thing. It prevents you from stealing, cheating and doing other hurtful shit to the person you love because you fear losing them.

Even though he relapsed and got violent I didn't leave him. By then I knew one of the side effects of abusing Benzos was turning your emotions off so you just don't care anymore. We worked through it and things got better. He quit using and tried to make up for his mistakes. I understood that it was the drug abuse and not him. Being a child of an addict it wasn't my first time dealing with an addicted love one. I know having compassion for the addict can go a long way in helping them get better.

I feel like it's important to let people know the effects so people can recognize when someone might be taking more then they should. They arent to be messed with or taken lightly. It a serious drug to abuse and only people who need them should take them. I found some great info that Id like to share with you guys in the link below.

Here's some great info from DualDiagnosis.org :

In the last year there have been several studies/stories about the risks associated with benzodiazepine abuse.  And while benzodiazepines have been prescribed for decades to treat anxiety and seizure disorders,  the possible threat of overusing them is real and with that comes dependency, overdose and the potentiality of death.  Did you know that since 2010, there have been 6,507 US drug overdose deaths that involved benzodizepines?  Because of this rising number, FRN created an infographic to help familiarize those about benzodiazepines but most importantly help create awareness regarding the possible addiction with benzodiazepines. 

Broken down in four sections, the  infographic (http://www.dualdiagnosis.org/benzodiazepine-addiction/) goes into detail about the following:

What are benzodiazepines: their brand names and the amount of prescriptions filled in the US in 2011, the number of related ER visits in 2010 and the confiscations by law enforcement for each associated drug. 

- Why prescribe benzodiazepines, specifically the disorders that are treated 

- Common side effects and contraindications with benzodiazepine use

- Key statistics related to the dangers of abuse 

- Symptoms of overdose

Sincerely Charmed

PS: Have you ever encountered Benzos before? If so let me know your experience with them and how they affected your life in the comments below. Thanks :D

Guest Post: When substance use sabotages your quest for love

Bio: The following is a guest post by Saint Jude Retreats, a non-12 step non-treatment alternative to traditional drug and alcohol rehab. The program concentrates on self-directed positive neuroplastic change and positive self-change as an alternative to traditional alcohol and drug treatment.

When substance use sabotages your quest for love

Is alcohol or drug use getting in the way of dating or your ability to create lasting, meaningful relationships? Whether you have battled through a serious substance use problem or are trying to overcome one, drug and alcohol use can certainly cause problems to arise while dating and throughout a relationship.

If you are newly dating someone, it may take awhile for you to share with them that you’ve had some problems with substance use in the past. Typically, this is not first-date conversation that needs to be shared or discussed right away. This is a private matter in your life, and only you can decide when you’re ready to share those details. You may believe that the right thing to do is automatically proclaim that you are/were an “alcoholic”, but drinking is a behavior that you engage in, it’s not who you are. Allow the person to truly get to know the things you love and your true personality, as these are important qualities in your life that matter. There are, however, a few other things that you should take into consideration while dating with a substance use problem.

Does the other person drink alcohol or do drugs? If you have overcome, or are attempting to overcome, a substance use problem, you may decide that you do not want people in your life who engage in these types of habits. This is not because you feel you can’t control yourself around substances, but you may have decided that, in order to live your life productively, you would rather engage in healthy habits and other types of behaviors. It’s best to find someone that enjoys the same things so that you will eventually be able to do them together as a couple. If the person you’re dating loves the bar scene, and you wish to avoid it, it may lead to conflict down the road.

The other thing you may need to consider is dating someone who is a moderate social drinker. A moderate drinker is a person that socially consumes 1 to 2 drinks on dates or at special events such as weddings, birthdays, cookouts, etc. This type of person has successfully mastered drinking in moderation and has no issues with substance abuse. There have been an overwhelming number of heavy substance users who have had much success with moderating their alcohol use. If you are still trying to figure out your own substance use problems, you may decide that moderation is an avenue you wish to explore. Abstinence can sometimes make a substance user feel limited in their choices, and, at times, less likely to completely change. Moderating your intake may empower you by helping you to understand that you are responsible for your choices and behaviors regarding substance use. Having a partner who moderates their own drinking may even prove to you that you are more in control than you think.

While you may not want to reveal your substance use history right away, it’s also not a good idea to enter into a relationship lying about it, especially if you’re still using. Heavy alcohol or drug use can shake a relationship to the very core. It can damage important values such as trust, communication, and loyalty, especially if you have vowed to never drink or use drugs again and you begin lying about your behavior. Lying can create tension in a relationship while leaving the partner who does not have a problem with substance use feeling betrayed, angry, or resentful towards you. Open communication and honesty can help solidify your relationship, while solving these problems before they even arise.

Not only can substance use cause emotional problems in a relationship, it can cause quite a few financial ones as well. If you are constantly draining your bank account on drugs, alcohol, or both, you may feel like you can’t provide for your partner or family. This will not only make you feel more guilty, but it will most likely cause arguments between the two of you. Again, it’s important to not be deceitful regarding your financial information while dating. If you have lost everything, or are starting life over again, it’s important to not give the impression you are something that you are not. When you find the right person to create a lasting relationship with, they will accept you and your situation for what it is.

If your substance use is seriously impacting your ability to find love, the obvious answer is to change or stop the behavior. If you have been told in the past that changing an alcohol or drug problem is impossible, know that you have always had the power within you to use or not. It’s never too late to change your current behavior and live the life you want.

Ultimately if your spouse or partner decides to stand by you and help you change your life, this can certainly lead to a lasting and meaningful relationship; but you both have to work towards it. If you are dating someone who decides they need to walk away from the situation, you need to be understanding and respect the choice they are making as well.

Relationships are difficult and there is no doubt in my mind that adding substance use to the mix will only make them harder, but they all don’t need to end badly. The right person will certainly come your way. Just remember it is your choice as to what is more important to you; substance use or love.