Recovering Addict Mantra: Getting Back up & Chasing the Dream

When you find something that motivates you, grab on to it and don't let it go. It's incredible when life presents us with clear signs to remind us and to set us back on the right path. I feel like the universe is telling me to kick it up a notch.

How Addiction is Affecting America

Author: Victoria Candland

Addiction is an ever-growing epidemic in the United States. It can destroy relationships, wreak havoc on the economy, and make people miserable and unhealthy. Here are some important facts about addiction in America including the statistics, current drug trends, and the paths we can take toward recovery.

Recovery of the Mind and Soul

When life gets busy and I can barely find time to breath, I tend to forget to keep working on me. I've been working on being happier and at peace by changing my perspective, but it takes constant effort to let go of pride, ego, worry and anxiety. I need to remind myself that I'm in control of my thoughts and I can choose to let them go because they're not who I am.

It's the superficial ego that gets caught up in the daily struggles. I'll feel like I'm drowning and instead of getting stuff done I'll shut down and sleep it off or go into this zombie mode. I can't be the only one who's dealt with this.

Tired of Being Judged Simply For Being a Recovering Addict

Just because I was on drugs over 6 years ago doesn't mean I'm a bad mother and that I need to be checked up on. My baby has everything he could ever need, including all the love and attention he could ever want. So because I did drugs in my teens that gives the right for people to pry into our lives. I think there some serious prejudice going on here.

I was interrogated by some social worker while I was recuperating from a c section in the hospital but that wasn't enough for them they have to come to my door without notice. What the fuck. I don't think it is in any way fair that my teenage past is following me around like that.

They left me a couple messages on my phone that I hadn't gotten around to returning because I've been busy with a baby and school. They assumed right away when I didn't call them back that I was a bad mother and the security of my child might be at risk. Like come on!!

The Juggling Act of Being a New Mom in Recovery

Being new mom can be difficult enough by itself but add to that recovery and you got a whole new set of challenges. Trying to manage sleep school and taking care of a baby is no small feat, now forget about trying to keep the house clean. I really enjoy being a mom but this juggling act is overwhelming at times.

I've always had low energy and quitting drugs seem to make it worst, not to mention how being on methadone has also messed with my energy levels. If I don't have at least 10 hours of sleep I cant function properly and this is something I've learned to live with and have worked my schedule around. As you can imagine that's not always possible with a little baby to take care of and I often find myself drained, nodding off and feeling guilty that I'm not getting enough school work done or how messy the house is getting.

I'm lucky for the help that I am getting but I still feel like I'm coming up short with my ever growing to do list. I'm getting worried I won't finish my thesis in time and my teacher seems to think the same. I don't like thinking about it because I usually feel like I'm having a panic attack. I only have one class and my thesis left to graduate after being there 5 years so its extremely important to me to finish and graduate. I've worked so hard for it and I'm really trying to make this work. I'm suppose to be getting more help with the baby in the next few weeks so hopefully I can get on top of things. Its just that when I'm not sleeping I'd rather be spending time with little one. :) Baby cuddles are the best

Charmed

My Birth Experience Being a Recovering Addict on Methadone

I've been so busy with my newborn baby boy that I haven't gotten the chance to post these last few Sundays. Although I thought about it I just couldn't seem to find the time. Any spare time I did get I just wanted to spend catching up on my sleep that I had definitely been lacking since that first week. The first week was the hardest with having to stay at the hospital with my little one, recovering from a c-section, and only getting about 3 hours of sleep a night, and not 3 consecutive hours either. Thankfully the joy and excitement at finally having my baby gave me the adrenaline to keep me going. It took a while for it to sink in, it didn't seem real at first but once I started realizing the magnitude of this new life in my arms I was in complete awe of him (and still am). He was born absolutely perfect.

My OB scheduled me in to get induced after I went overdue for a few reasons but it turned out unsuccessful. A couple hours after breaking my water and giving me the iv drip I still wasn't having any contractions. My OB who had been talking about having to send me for a c-section because of my pelvis being too small approached me again about going for a c-section saying I'd probably end up there anyways and the baby heart rate dropped a few times. I reluctantly agree. After hearing c-section horror stories I was kind of terrified but off I was to the operating room all by myself. I was disappointed they would only let one person in so my mom wasn't able to be there and they only let the father in after they had set me up with the spinal and had me on the operating table. I wasn't very happy about being alone for the spinal because it was one of the worst parts and when they finally started operating the freezing went up to my lungs which made breathing very hard. I started shaking, yawning and tearing up a lot during the whole thing but at least the freezing was good enough that I only felt some tugging and pressure. I'm also disappointed I didn't get to see him being born, at least the father got to stand up over the curtain and see it.

When I was admitted to the hospital they wanted me to give them all my methadone carries which I was very weary about because I didn't completely trust them not to screw up my dose somehow. I was admitted to the hospital for three days to recover from my c-section which really hurt the first week and only became somewhat bearable the second week. The baby however ended up staying at the hospital for a week so I was put in a room with him in the pediatrics department for the rest of the time he was at the hospital. That's when I find the whole experience became very frustrating and exhausting. I felt terrible the entire time thinking it was my fault my baby was there withdrawing from methadone and some nurses weren't pleasant to deal with at all. They just made the whole situation worst. One in particular kept scoring really high on the withdrawal so we had to stay longer for observation when I felt he wasn't as bad as she was making it out to be and it turned out I was right when a few other nurses examined him later on. She also pretty much took the baby out of my hands at one point when I was changing his diaper because he was crying. Being hormonal with no sleep I was really not having it I demanded not to have her as a nurse again and told the doctors exactly what I thought and we were released the next day.

While I was at the hospital it seemed very difficult but having my baby made me smile every day. Since coming home things got so much easier. My baby was finally sleeping longer periods and being in the comfort of my home without nurses hovering over me made all the difference. Looking back at the time in the hospital I still cherish every moment even though it wasn't what I wanted, it was still the birth of my baby and that's pretty freaking special :) I spent his first month off school for the holidays enjoying some baby cuddles and family.

Charmed

My Blogs 2 Year Anniversary

Happy Solstice, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Everyone. I'm back and Hopefully for good. Now with every holiday comes another wonderful year of blogging but with having a baby just a month ago I've been slacking with posting my regular Sunday posts and I'm sorry about that. I really do appreciate my blog and all its readers and I didn't plan on disappearing for a month but it was well worth it. Getting to know my baby boy and getting into some kind of routine was essential, especially with school, which I've sadly also been slacking on but all that and the birth experience is a topic for another post. I'm going to try to write my posts ahead of time that way I have something scheduled for every Sunday.

The holidays represent many wonderful things for me, especially now with my baby (my greatest blessing of all) being born so close to the holidays. Also the holidays isn't just my blogs anniversary anymore but since I reconnected with my baby's father on Christmas last year, that would make this Christmas our one year anniversary. I feel like I've been given blessing after blessing during the holidays, like the baby's father completely surprising me and proposing this Christmas on our anniversary. Everyone can see how much of an amazing father he is and nothing could make me happier then knowing my son has a great father. On top of that in a couple months we will be moving in together in this really nice 3 bedroom on a main floor of a triplex with a backyard that he got at a really good price because he will be the handyman and superintendent of the triplex.

Its a little scary when things are this good and I'm this happy because if something bad were to happen I have a lot more to lose and I was reminded of that when the baby, his father and I got pulled over by the cops for speeding a week ago. I'm not going to go into detail but my baby's father got arrested and they mixed him up with another guy who has the same name and same birthday from the same town. They just took him away late at night on our way back home from visiting my mom so she could spend some time with the baby. Not having my license yet I was stuck with the vehicle crying like crazy trying not to make noise and wake the baby. Not knowing when Id see the baby's father again I felt devastated and in that moment I realized that I really loved this man and wanted nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him and our lovely new baby boy.

Charmed