Tuesday, December 25, 2012

When Drugs Mattered More than Christmas

There was a time when I saw Christmas as just a source of money to buy more drugs. Nothing else mattered and I can only imagined how that hurt the people in my life. Its not like my addiction was a secret, often an addiction becomes a family affair and therefore affects everyone around you. Although it was known, that didn't mean its was easily talked about. Its hard to mention a problem that has no obvious solution in sight, it tends to bring great despair. The hopeless feeling that it brings, not being able to make that person better, no matter how much we want it.  All the people I must of hurt has me appreciating them even more today for putting up with me. I forgot how to love the small things. Its like I was completely oblivious to everything besides my need for another pill. I missed out on soo much and now I try to make up for it everyday. I make sure to notice the small things that bring me such joy. I remember my first winter sober, one morning I woke up and saw the sticky snow outside and got the incredible urge to go build a snowman, for the first time in I don't know how long.

I understand now what I was putting them through. Since I got sober 4 years ago I'm now in their position, having a father that is an addict and wishing he wasn't. Being disappointed and hurt. Its funny that no matter how many times I get disappointed I still have hope that next time will be different and then I'm disappointed all over again. What bothers me the most is that  although its Christmas, its very hard for me to bring myself to go see him because he isn't sober. Especially during Christmas he tends to drink a lot and stays up for a couple days. So I haven't seen him yet this Christmas. I texted him today to exchange gifts, well giving the gift I got him but got no response and later found out he had finally passed out. All for the better I guess since he works tomorrow but that means I probably won't see him. I guess I could of went and seen him  yesterday but when I got a call from him a few days ago, I could tell he had been drinking and I knew that probably meant he would be up for a couple days as usual. When he's drinking, our conversation tends to be about how bad his problems are and how people "screw" him over. He wants me to take pity and help him with something but what am I to do, I'm the child, I can barely take care of myself. I might be 4 years sober but it takes a lifetime to recover from an addiction. I'm trying to fix my life, learn how to be independent and make it through college. I can't be taking care of someone else right now. I wish I could call him with my problems instead of the other way around. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at listening to someone problems and give advice. I just don't want to be made to feel guilty or responsible when I shouldn't be.

Sincerely, Charmed