Friday, December 28, 2012

Recovering Doesnt Mean Forgetting

If only forgetting was easy.
For most of us being able to move on doesn't mean forgetting. Their are some things we need to remember so that we may grow and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately some memories don't have any purpose besides making us feel bad about ourselves. These memories have a tendency to creep up on us when we less expect it. Most of the time it happens to me when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. I start to toss and turn, remembering the awful things i did or awful things that were done to me. I replay it in my head over and over thinking of what could of been done differently. These are toxic memories and we all need to find ways to get rid of them and think positive.

What I've learned during my recovery is that when these thoughts happen I have to remember all the things I've accomplished since being sober. This definitely became easier the longer I was sober because I had more things to be proud of as time went on. As soon as I  was on the methadone program and had my withdrawals under control I started working towards my high school diploma. I did it by correspondence so I could stay at home and get better but still do something I could be proud of and gave me hope for the future. I believe the only way i was able to get sober without any therapy, rehab or detox was due to the methadone program. Nothing else work for me before then because my withdrawals would take over any determination I had to stop.

It took me a lil over a year to get completely clean after starting methadone. The program only fixed part of the problem. I had to fix my way of thinking on my own and no amount of medication would do that for me. Although I agree therapy would of helped once the withdrawals were gone. I'm not exactly sure why I never committed to weekly therapy but it might have to do with how terrible I am at keeping appointments. What did help in its place was reading books which did a great deal to take my mind off negative things. Also keeping a journal and having my mom to talk too made a huge difference. I really felt like she understood me and I hardly ever felt judged. What was most surprising of all, to me, was my decision to turn to God. I had never been one to go to church or even think of him but in my time of need he was a great support. His words were comforting.