Has Christmas Changed or Have I ?

This Christmas just seems different from the rest. Last year my boyfriend asked me why I expected gifts from my parents and my answer was they have always done it and well this year I really wanted an e-reader. The truth is I needed the gifts to feel special and I felt like I deserved it. It was tradition I didn't want to let go of. Every year I looked at Christmas as an opportunity to get something, like most kids do. At 23 I was still feeling this way which seemed a bit old to my boyfriend, who said he hasn't expected anything from his parents in a long time. I just didn't see how he could compare the two since he never see's his family and I'm really close to mine, which is something I value greatly. Now one year later at 24 I didn't even think about what I wanted so when my parents asked I was at a loss. This felt odd to me because I'd always had a huge list ready for them every year, well not really for my dad anymore since I learnt years ago that something always happens around the holidays where money goes missing and he can't afford much. I didn't know what to ask for and after thinking about it real hard I mumbled something about if their dog had puppies I'd take one, pajamas, a spice rack, a computer desk or a crock pot. Whatever they could afford was fine and it could be second hand stuff. All I was really thinking about was spending time with them.

It's weird how my way of thinking changed without me even realizing it. Now I don't need presents from them to feel loved and I feel like whatever I need I can buy myself. Christmas and holidays should be about family but sadly our society puts a lot of importance on gifts to get us to spend tons and tons of money and in result kids expect it and parents feel the need to buy the best. I expected it for years, I'm not any different from anyone else, but I'm glad this year I've experienced this deep spiritual growth that’s made me realize what's really important. I'm just really happy to be at my mom's this holiday and it’s a big relief to not have to worry about school. I hadn't came to my mom’s since this summer which is probably the longest time I've went without seeing her and I missed her so freaking much. I even really missed my little brothers which don’t happen because I never go this long without seeing them. I just feel so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to spend time with them. To make things even better the oldest brother who's lives literally 3 days drive away is also at my mom’s for the holidays and my boyfriend who didn't get to come last years is coming down on Tuesday to be with my family for the holidays. Not to spoil the moment but I'm still a little worried he won't show up so I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed and will let you know what happens.

Charmed

My Christmas Tree @ home

Is It Rape ??

This has to be one of the hardest things I've ever written about. I don't even talk about this to the people closest to me but I’m letting it be known so that others girls might not feel as alone. Too many women that are raped under the age of 18 feel that's it’s their fault so they never report it. According to Wikipedia, a research that was done in 65 countries shows police reporting more then 250 000 cases of rape or attempted rape annually. Astounding number isn't it?  What’s even more astounding is most rapes aren't even reported. Doubt in ourselves is so damaging especially when it comes to rape. I should know I still doubt myself to this very day, believing I should of done more to stop it, or I asked for it, or I put myself in that situation so it’s my fault. Sadly we were raised to believe this because that's exactly what society wants us to believe. But even knowing all this a part of me still holds on to that doubt, although less than before.

At 14 years old I went to a New Years Eve party with my best friend and her much older boyfriend who drove us to the party at his best friend’s house out of town. It wasn't really a party though, only 5 people including me, my best friend, her boyfriend, his best friend and his best friends’ girlfriend. Now did you get that, it’s kind of confusing. Anyways we were meant to spend the night since her boyfriend would be drinking. And yes he was of age. Needless to say my bestie and I drank; it was New Years Eve after all. Being 14 I hadn't drank that often, I hadn't even done drugs yet, well besides weed. They had even made jello shooters for us so the booze, we weren't use to, would go down easier. When I eventually started getting really drunk they showed me to the room I'd be staying in for the night to let me sleep it off and let me tell you, I passed out pretty fast. I was knocked out until in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping someone sneaked into the room. His best friend, the guy who's house we were at, had left his girlfriends side to come sneak into my room. Scared shitless and half asleep from the booze I never said a word while he got on top of me and did his thing. When he was finally done he left to go back to his girlfriend who was fast asleep in another room. I think that in his head he really thought I wanted him because he kept saying something like "is it good". I don't know what the hell he was thinking to be honest. He was more than 15 years older than me, and I was only 14 so whatever he was thinking is irrelevant. I was just so scared that no one would believe me that I never said anything to anyone for years and years.

I'm not sure how much this event has changed me and my life but I know it had its effects on me. I thought for years that all guys just wanted sex and if I wanted them to like me I had to sleep with them. After that I started acting out more, doing harder drugs and sleeping around. I don't know if this event caused those things to happen or if it pushed me into that direction. Despite this happening I enjoy sex today. I guess in some way I've healed and I've moved on. I'm not having sex for them anymore I have sex for me now. I don't sleep around either; I keep that for my people I get a serious connection with.

Even though I've healed, for the most part anyways, I've never thought of reporting it. It just isn't the right decision for me and it wasn’t required for my healing process. I've moved on and I don't want people in my hometown to know what happened, or worst what if they don't believe me and shame me. This makes me glad to this day that I didn't report it because of how much worst things could have been if I had. This is the world we live in and something needs to change. No matter what I still have this doubt deep down that I've never been able to get rid of, probably because of how society chooses to look at rape. I’ve heard so many girls blaming other girls for rape or not believing them which is really sad because we need to support each other and stop denying that this could happen to someone we know. I'm hoping that by sharing this with you that girls who feel alone because of how our society is will find some comfort knowing they are not alone. Dealing with an assault and not reporting it can make you feel very alone but know that you are not alone. And even if you decide not to report it to the police, you should tell someone you trust completely, it really does help.

Sincerely Charmed

Am I a Sex Addict ???

I was talking with a nice lady on twitter when she asked me if my addiction was love and sex like her. My last post about starting a blog on sexuality and spirituality might have gotten her confused. I answered I didn't believe I was because sex doesn't interfere with any aspect of my life in a negative way, and I asked her what she considered to be an addiction to sex. 

She said:

Sex addiction is not much different than an alcohol addiction. Two people can drink the same amount but only one feels the "need". I would use sex to medicate myself from feeling sad, lonely, angry, or scared. Sex itself is wonderful but how I used it was not. You can also go onto sex/love addict websites like SLAA to get information about ways that addicts like me, act out.

So she got me wondering what the differences between need and a deep want are. I see myself as someone who really enjoys kink and I want it often, but I never stray from a relationship because of this deep want or is it need. Is sex something most humans need or is it just a deep want. I’ll let you decide that for yourselves. As for me, I did some research and got a brief idea of what a NEED or addiction to sex would be considered.

Spending considerable time in activities related to sex

Neglecting obligations such as work, school or family in pursuit of sex.

Engaging in excessive sexual practices despite a desire to stop.

Continually engaging in the sexual behavior despite negative consequences,

Escalating scope or frequency of sexual activity to achieve the desired effect

Being preoccupied with sex cravings and unsuccessfully attempting to limit sexual activity.

Feeling irritable when unable to engage in the desired behavior.

I also found a site where you can take a test/survey to see if you’re a sex addict or have those tendencies. @ Sex Addiction Survey But no survey will be 100% accurate and it efficiency depends on the honesty of your answers. As for me a the survey said my answers didn't  fit the criteria needed to be a sex addicted but that I was compulsive when it came to sex and that I spent too much time thinking about it. And I'm fine with that. If something doesn't affect your life and the people in it negatively, and you’re happy, then why worry. 

Embrace your sexuality and all your fantasies, trust me if you thought of it someone else has also, you’re not alone. Research, research, research and mostly just be happy. For those of you who think you might have an issue with sex or your survey score pointed to you having an addiction I suggest you check out this site Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and talk to a professional. Take care of yourself.

Charmed

Detachment Guilt Sucks

Sometimes you just got to do what’s right for you. Ya not as easy as it sounds. I've been feeling guilty as hell ever since I avoided my best friend’s calls. I never answer unknown numbers and even then I rather text then talk on the phone.  Now the one time I do pick up it ends up being my best friend who I hadn't talked to in forever. I had kind of detached myself from her ever since I realized how bad the addiction was. It’s hard for me to see her like this, knowing all too well the lifestyle. That the lying and manipulating goes hand in hand with addiction. I believe myself to be strong in my recovery but I don't want to tempt fate. We have a lot of good memories partying together and that scares me. The good memories scare me. A lot of my recovery was supported by remembering the bad memories.

When I first answered I was still smiling but that quickly faded as I remembered her situation and her new picture on Facebook. She didn't look well to say the least. I knew right then before she said anything that she definitely wanted something and my stomach became all knotted. I'm the type of person who has a really hard time saying no, so I tend to avoid the situation all together. This means I tend to miss out on a lot. Yes it’s definitely something I'm working on. She first asked me if she could come spend the night which probably meant she had no where to stay, although she never actually said that. I wasn't even aware that her situation was that bad. I told her I had school the next day and that my boyfriend worked. But she insisted she was tired and she just wanted to sleep. So out of a moment of weakness I said I’d ask my boyfriend once he got back from the store and she said she would call back. 

In the middle of all this she slipped in a little fact she forgot to mention at the beginning about her boyfriend coming with her. A man I've never met. Needless to say I didn't answer when she called back and I felt terrible about it. But I was in the middle of studying for my finals and I wasn't leaving her and a strange man in my home alone. I doubted very much that they would wake up and leave the following morning when my boyfriend and I left for work and school. I know better than to leave a full blown addict unsupervised in my home. I was an addict I know all too well how terribly wrong this stay over could of went. And probably because I was an addict I was even more fearful and cautious about the whole thing. I know all too well what we are capable of and just how terrible things could have been. But this still doesn't stop the guilt and that what ifs.

Charmed

9 Things You Might Not Know About Me

1. I wanted to be a veterinarian growing up

2. I kissed a girl before I kissed a boy

3. I'm bisexual and I've known it since I was 12

4. I moved out on my own at 15

5. My Moms my Best Friend

6. I have 4 of half brothers and sisters

7. I started to love reading very young

8. I've been dying my hair since I was like 11

9. Got my tongue pierced at 13

Im Coming Out Of Hiding, Yes Im Back :)

First of all I’d like to say sorry, sorry, sorry for not posting before now. Although I doubt anyone noticed I haven`t been posting. My 3rd year in Psychology has kept me really busy, much busier then all the other years. It feels like it gets harder every year. Plus I've been working on weekends while also attending class during the week, for the first time since attending college I'm doing both. Although I don't mind being busy since I like what I'm doing, I rarely get time for myself anymore. And whatever time I do get is usually spent taking care of my fishes. I have 4-5 tanks now, I kind of lost count. But I'm still glad I got fishes instead of a dog. I love my fishes I'm a Pisces after all. One of my girls got pregnant on Sunday so I had to get another tank for her and her soon to be babies. First time I've had a cichlid get pregnant; pretty cool how they hold the eggs in their mouth. I also have a Freshwater Angelfish tank and a German Ram tank, plus tank for the babies. Here's a quick picture of my African cichlid tank.

It’s funny how life turns out sometimes. I never stop learning and growing. My growth sometimes surprises me but I still find myself wishing other aspects of myself would grow faster. I have always had a hard time with relationships and recently I've been having a hard time knowing if I'm asking for too much, or if I'm giving in too much. Knowing when to give and when to take is not my strong suit. But somewhere deep down I wonder if it’s not the other person that might be partly responsible. I feel like I've tried everything and still I'm at a loss of how to make this all work. After my last post I had broken up with my ex and was kind of seeing someone else but my ex kept trying to get me back and pretty much scared the other guy so I just told that guy to move on if he didn't think I was worth a little trouble. I'm almost positive he would have stuck around to see how we would have worked out or until he couldn't handle my ex anymore but things were just not the same between us after my ex freaked out on him. I just didn't want to give anymore of my heart to him if there was a chance of him leaving because of something my ex did. Something I had no control over. So I finally gave in with my ex, his promises and changes really seemed sincere at the time. Or maybe I just didn't want to be alone and he was something familiar.

Anyways we eventually moved in together. I was very doubtful and hesitant at first but I went for it. I still sometimes wonder what made me go back. I should of known all his promises were too good to be true and that he would go back to his old ways soon enough. Don't get me wrong things aren't terrible but I feel like I deserve more. Now isn't that selfish of me. I want him to listen to me, not say something if he's not going to do it, and to spend some time with me. I start building up some resentment when I feel myself giving in too much and sacrificing what I want for what he wants. And that makes me feel like he should at the very least show me some appreciation and attention since I give him what he wants all the time. Specially because if I don't he will often pick a fit, give me the silent treatment or guilt me into giving him what he wants. I don't know but that sounds like major manipulation but even though I kind of know that I'm still not ready to leave. I want to make it work. If I get enough time I’d like to blog about it and maybe even get your input. If anyone even reads these post, lol. Ok well got to go for now busy, busy.

:) Charmed

Cheers To New Beginnings

Wow! Work has kept me really busy since coming back from camping. I got the job at subway and I actually enjoy working there. I'm taking on more hours until school starts then I’ll be taking only a shift or two a week. I didn't expect to take on this many hours this month. So much for part time, right.... meh it’s all good I need the money anyways. I don't get much time to myself but having a job I like and working with people I like has given me the support and strength I needed to detach from the destructive relationship I've been in. This gave me the chance to let someone new in my life that makes me happy but I’ll talk more about that in another post.

I booked this weekend off for my cousins’ baby shower and I slept at camp last night. I spent some time with my little brother (half on my mom’s side) peddle boating. We saw a family of ducks and caught a frog. We made a nice fire and made marshmallows. I'm really happy I got to spend quality time with my little brother. We even watched Jack the giant slayer before bed. The moon stars and lake were so beautiful last night. I had fun even if it was just for a night. We are heading back to my mom’s this afternoon and the baby shower is tomorrow.

I also promised my dad that I’d come over and see my little sister (half on my dad’s side) tomorrow when she gets there because she’s been asking to see me for more than a couple years and she’s only 8. We never get to see each other because she lives so far away and I do miss her. I often wonder how much she has changed in these many, many years. But I'm a little worried about how that's going to work out since I have to be at the baby shower and my ride back home is leaving right after baby shower and I don't want to leave any later than that anyways because I want to hang out with the new guy in my life.

I hope it all works out and I get to spend time with everyone since I don't get many weekends off and I want to make the most of it. I'll also be writing a post shortly about what’s going on in my love life. I know I should write more and even get back to drawing. I don't even read as much since I started my new job at Subway. The main thing right now is that I'm truly happy and I feel blessed to have this new person in my life.

Take care Everyone and Have a great Weekend.

Charmed