Can We Ever Fully Recover From Addiction ?

I've always wondered if us addicts could fully recover from our addictions or if we would forever be in recovery. I've come to realize that opinions on this vary a lot and this might be because we don't all have the same idea of what being recovered means. Even I've changed my opinion about it more then once. I used to think that fully recovering from an addiction was possible because I thought being recovered meant no more urges to do that drug of choice or that specific behavior.

I haven't had the urge to do drugs in a very long time. I can even be around it and not want any whatsoever. I thought that meant I was recovered but recently I've come to believe that although I might be recovered from my coke and oxy addiction, I will always have an addictive personality. That means I'll always need to be aware of my emotional state and Ill have to regularly keep track of my thought patterns, which means I'll always be in recovery. I really don't mind that because recovery for me means keeping myself happy.

To me recovery has always been practicing self care, keeping track of my feelings and analyzing why I feel the way I do, controlling my negative thoughts and practicing positive thoughts and self image. So basically working on staying happy and how to get there if I'm not. My recovery isn't just about drugs but about being happy and healthy. Its about growing and moving past the emotional trauma I've experienced. After 6 years I might be recovered from my drug addiction but for me recovery will always be part of my life.

What's your opinion on being able to fully recover from addiction ? 

 Yours Truly Charmed ;)

Why Expressive Outlets Are Important in Recovery

I have found that a healthy creative outlet where I can express myself has been a very important part of my recovery. I've noticed that a lot of addiction recovery centers offer art classes and other types of creative outlets to help in the recovery process. They might just be on to something here. A few words by The Addiction Recovery Guide describing (way better then I ever could) why being creative can be helpful in recovery (they also mention lots of other interesting and useful therapies like journaling, animal, music, hypnosis etc., definitely worth checking out :

The creative therapies can be very helpful in the process of recovery from addiction. They offer the opportunity to get in touch with the inner self and with the higher power and can provide a form of expression for feelings that cannot be easily identified or put into words. Through helping the person with an addiction connect with his/her more authentic self, the expressive therapies can help raise self-esteem and provide an opportunity to create new experiences beyond habitual and painful emotional patterns. The creative arts foster a renewed ability to relax without drugs or alcohol.

Ever since I began my recovery I remember wanting to be creative anyway I could. Some of the many things I enjoyed were drawing, coloring, knitting and my two favorites are writing/blogging and making healing trees. I do it because I absolutely love it and would be in heaven if I could actually make a living on it. I know you guys feel me right, its everybody dream to make a living doing something they love, something they are completely and truly passionate about. I am even lucky enough to have something be really helpful to my recovery.

When I get overwhelmed with my life, being creative can help me find peace and a serene state of mind. Its like all this emotional build up and blockage I can sometimes feel gets released. I've noticed this even more lately when I started doing my healing trees again. I had stopped for a while because I was having a hard time selling them and I just had so many made. Thankfully my aunt took them off my hands and put them in her shop and after a while I finally started wanting to make more that I could have with me to try to sell on my own again. In the end selling them isn't what matters, the wonderful feeling I get when making them is enough for me to keep at it (well until I run out of supplies since their not cheap Ill have to wait till I sell some to buy more).

My point here is to find some creative hobby you love to do because its has so many therapeutic benefits specially for someone in recovery. Find time for you and let your imagination free. It really does calm my mind and just puts me in an overall happier mood which makes me more patient and understanding.

If you want to take a look at my healing trees here's the link to my ebay page :) and the link the my healing trees facebook page. 

Charmed

I Need To Get My Shit Together

For the past week, I haven't been doing much of anything except sleeping and its starting to really get to me. I remember this feeling of being tired all the time when I first started my recovery and it was pretty bad, but not as bad as this. I'm literally sleeping anywhere from 15 to 18 hours a day. I'm sure being pregnant is playing a big part in me being tired and I haven't been eating the best lately either. I don't have the time or the energy to make anything to eat so I end up eating take out, and let me tell you I'm getting sick of take out. The place is a mess, we have no more clean dishes, and the bathroom and floors really need to be cleaned. I just don't know where to start. I don't even have the energy to argue with my hubby about him lending a hand. I've tried that many times and it rarely works.

I might be this tired because I haven't been taking my maternal vitamins for a month or so. If I don't see them I forget to take them (out of sight, out of mind). I couldn't find them since I got back from camping in July. Funny thing is they were right on my dresser behind some other bottles the whole time. Today's the third day since I've started taking them again and I'm hoping they fix the problem. I don't know how long I have to wait for them to start working but if I don't see an improvement by this Friday I'll be contacting my Obgyn. Another possibility might be the rapid weight gain this month. When I went to the OB this week I found out I had gained 8 pounds in the last month which is a lot compare to the 5 pounds that I had gained in the first 5 months of my pregnancy. This might also be why I'm so sore lately too. Back, legs and stomach pain, plus headaches, nausia and heartburn. All part of being pregnant.

Besides cleaning that badly needs to get done I have some important things I need to do before school starts next week and I just can't seem to find the energy to get around to it. I'm really scared that I'm still going to be this tired once school starts. What am I going to do? Has anyone else every dealt with being tired either in recovery or because of pregnancy ? If so please let me know how you got over it. I don't think I can take it much longer, so much needs to get done. I'll try and make a list tomorrow and deal with one thing on the list at a time. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm happy I've been able to keep up with my blogging at least because that's one thing that definitely makes me happy and soothes me. It be a total dream if I could eventually become a full time blogger.

Charmed

Childhood Trauma Surfacing Now That I'm Expecting

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I've been saying its a boy. I knew I'd be happy either way but some part of me was relieved to find out it was a boy. I wasn't consciously aware at first that I had a fear of having a little girl but when trying to figure out why I was so determined to have a boy it started making more and more sense. Girls in our society are so vulnerable, or at least that's what my experience has taught me. Life has taught me that physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse, is all part of being a girl. Right?

Why would I want that for my child. I know that's not how its suppose to be and that abuse might not be the case for some girls but I did fear on some unconscious level that having a girl would mean having a vulnerable child that bad things might happen too. This isn't entirely logical, bad things can happen to anyone, but fear is rarely logical.

This all comes from some abuse that I endured as a small child at the hands of older male relatives, granted they weren't that much older. The oldest wasn't even 5 years older me, but being 4 to 6 years old at the time, it does make a big difference. This is something I never ever talk about but I've been trying to be more open with you guys in my writing lately. This abuse happened with 3 different male relatives, more then once, but it had been blocked out until recently. I remembered bits and pieces but having tried so hard to forget I only recently started remembering most of it.

Now that I'm about to have a child of my own, these experiences have come back to haunt me. I'm relieved to know I'm having a boy but that doesn't mean I'm not still worried. I want to make sure I'm open with him and explain boundaries to him. What's right and what's wrong. I want him to know he can come to me with anything, no subject is too taboo. I can't keep living in fear and shelter him for the rest of his life. So as scary and as uncomfortable as it might be I'll make it a priority of mine to keep an open line of communication with him starting at a young age. I want to teach him how to keep himself safe and respect others bodies and personal space. Something more parents should be doing. 

You never know, maybe if those relatives had been educated in whats right and wrong with other peoples bodies than maybe that abuse never would of happened. We can't keep silent in hopes that our child will figure it out on their own. We need to talk to them. I know children will be curious and want to explore their bodies but they need to know that other peoples bodies are off limits and to respect everyones space.

I'm not exactly sure how much this abuse has affected my psyche but I'm sure it had a definite impact on my relationships and the way I experience intimacy. It might of even played a part in my addiction. The topic still makes me feel uncomfortable today but it needs to be talked about and we need to educate our young. I know I'm not alone in this and to the people out there who this has happened to please know you are not alone and we can make a difference if we talk about it.

Love Charmed

Its Been 6 Years Since I Decided to Quit & Get Clean

I've never been one to focus on the exact date I got clean because I relapsed so much in the beginning that I just stopped keeping track. I'd get so disappointed in myself every time I had to start over again that it wasn't helping me stay sober and happy. Disappointment led to me relapsing to make those thoughts go away. Another problem with me keeping a sober date was that there's so much controversy over methadone and actually being clean and sober. Not to mention that I do drink a couple times a year and rarely to the point of actually getting drunk, but I've also never had a problem with alcohol and I've never associated alcohol with drugs.

People are going to disagree with me on whether I'm clean or not and because of that I usually avoid mentioning how long I consider myself to have been not in "active addiction/use" (is probably a better way of putting it). What matters here is that I believe I started changing my life and getting out of the vicious cycle of addiction 6 years ago this month.

In August 2008, I did something I was very ashamed of and that ended up being the final straw for me in my cocaine addiction. I've never really talked about this incident with anyone (well until now), because I was so embarrassed I could hardly live with myself. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened because even though I was an addict I still saw myself as having morals and standards. Thankfully I wasn't able to forget it and the experience was able to motivate me to quit coke for good. This embarassing experience is still not easy for me to talk about but part of my recovery is learning to accept my mistakes.

The "big bad thing" I did was sleep with someone I normally wouldn't of slept with because I was high on coke partying with him. Oh and did I forget to mention he was my Dads friend and quite a bit older then me. It's not that he was unattractive or else I wouldn't of slept with him. He was a well known, kind of business man, that had the interest of quite a few of girls. (If you read my blog on a regular basis then you know that my dad is also an addict and that's just the kind of people he hung out with.) I did a lot of stupid and shameful things during my addiction and I'm not sure why this particular incident was the last straw for me, but I'd had enough. It was probably the accumulation of everything I had done and that one last thing was enough to just pushed me over the edge.

This was a low moment for me and something in me just snapped and I was like no more. This guy called the next day and a few times after that to go on a date or hang out but I avoided him like my life depended on it. I was done with that drug. Once I had made up my mind and started associating it with this disgusted feeling, not doing any became much easier. I still had those urges but they were rare especially compared to my oxy addiction (but that's a post for another time). I was able to be around the drug almost right away and not do any. The temptation was barely there and I think that had a lot to do with the experience causing me to associate this disgusted feeling with doing coke.

Am I the odd one out for not knowing my exact sober date ? Most people know the exact date they got clean and it seems very important. Its a bit more complicated for me as I had two drugs of choice and didn't quit them both at the same time. Although I wasn't off everything, the way I look at it is that 6 years ago this month I stopped doing coke on a daily basis and that's when my life started changing. I think that was a big turning point for me and that makes it a really important moment.

Did you have a turning point where you decided you had enough of the addiction ? Please let me know it the comments below and maybe leave a link to your blog if you want so I can go check it out. Thanks =)

Charmed <3

Have You Ever Been Bored in Recovery ?

I believe most recovering addicts had to deal with this at some point so I thought I'd write a post about how I overcame being bored when I first started my recovery process. This is a serious issue some of us face and has even led to some relapses for me. Once I stopped continuously searching for a way to get more drugs, which is a very consuming task, I had all this free time on my hands. I went from having something to do 24/7 to having nothing to do. It was a major change that I hadn't anticipated. I was constantly plagued with the feeling of being bored and it wasn't that I couldn't find anything to do but that nothing seemed interesting to me, and that put me on edge.

Boy, did that ever make me feel guilty. I was finally blessed with being sober and I felt bored. One of the worst parts about being bored is that all my thoughts came rushing to the forefront of my mind with no distractions to keep them at bay. It was way easier to only have to deal with my thoughts a little bit at a time but when I was bored they were ALL very present and very real. It was difficult to take it all in and sometimes Id relapse just to avoid all these thoughts rushing in at once. I knew I had to find something to keep me busy because I was determined to get clean and stay that way.

To try and help with the boredom I started thinking about what I use to like doing before I became a full blown addict. I also started thinking about what goals I wanted to achieve and what my dreams and aspirations were for my future. I needed to find things that inspired me and got me motivated which wasn't all that easy at first, nothing seemed interesting. Finding something to get you interested is going to be different for everyone but for me the process of moving past this initial boredom was when I picked up a book for the first time in years. I used to love reading growing up and rediscovering this long time passion really got me out of that rut of initial boredom.

After that everything slowly started getting better as I found more and more things to inspire and motivate me. Deciding to go to back to school was a big part of the recovery process. I needed to build a future for myself and what better reason than that to get motivated. So now I had reading and schooling to keep me company. I finally felt like I was being productive and I had something to be proud of. Soon after I was motivated to get a part time job and getting close with my family again. Something I wasn't ready for at the beginning of my recovery because I needed time to heal before putting myself out there again. Especially with a family who is well acquainted with drugs of all kinds.

This is different for everyone but if your faced with this feeling of boredom and contemplating using again to get away from that nagging feeling of having nothing to do and nothing interest you, or to keep all those thoughts from overwhelming you, I urge you to keep looking for your passion. Something that motivates you. Think about your future. Stay sober and keep looking for that one thing that inspires you, I promise it will all be worth it.

PS. Here's a little something I learned from one of my research papers at school.

Life in recovery isn't boring, that's your brain playing tricks on you. The chemicals in your brain that make you happy and make things interesting are reduced when your first starting recovery because most drugs provide these chemicals and your brain gets use to not having to produce them naturally. When you get sober you won't be receiving the chemicals provided by your drug of choice anymore and it will take your brain sometime to naturally start producing them again. Just give it time and soon enough your brain will realize it needs to start producing them naturally because you won't be giving it these chemicals.

Much Love, Charmed

Aren't All Women Suppose to be Domesticated

Lately I've been thinking more and more about how other women do it. Its seems so easy to some women to take care of their home and family. Its like they were born with this innate ability or talent of being the perfect house wife. Their houses are always clean and the meals are always cooked. Some even have a job on top of this. Where do they get the energy?This seriously puts me to shame. I really envy them, there like supermoms. I know my moms one of these super mom. She keeps everything clean and everyone fed. I wonder if most women are like this and if I'm the odd one out.

I'm a low energy person and I really like my sleep. Im often tired even before I got pregnant which makes it hard to do much of anything. I also dread cleaning since I do it a lot at work but that doesn't mean I don't get around to it. I cook supper usually 3 days a week and I clean the laundry, bathroom and floors at least once a week. I even get all the garbage together most weeks for my hubby to take out in the morning. But sometimes people around me and society make me feel like I'm still not doing enough.

I really have a hard time getting the dishes done. Its definitely the worst. I've asked my hubby if that could be a chore he was responsible for and do it once a week on weekends since I do other stuff but I'm made to feel like that's asking too much of him since he works hard labor all week. But am I really asking too much. If he did I would definitely cook more. I don't know, supposedly compared to the wife's of the guys my hubby works with, I could be doing more and not expecting help. I just don't see that as fair but it still makes me doubt myself. 

What do you guys think, should I do more? Please let me know in the comments below.

Sincerely Charmed