Who Would of Thought An Addict Could Get This Far?!

I often put myself down like I'm not good enough and I forget how amazing I really am. This is something that affects so many aspects of my life. I tend to get hurt easily by others criticisms and I cant openly admit anything negative about myself without it impacting my self esteem in a bad way. So let this be a reminder to myself of just how far I've come. Their are times where I still catch myself in awe of how much my life has changed in the last 5 years and this really helps me realize I'm not a nobody but that I am a strong independent survivor.

This is a list of stuff I've gone through and made it on the other side since getting sober and doesn't include all the shit I went through that drove me to drug abuse in the first place. I've been sober over 6 years, well I think, I don't really keep track of that anymore. Anyways after I got sober I got a part time job to afford my own place again, I went back to high school and graduated with an 85% average and then got accepted to all the universities I had applied to. As amazing as that was that meant I was going to be alone for the first time and although I had moved out when I was 15 for a couple years before moving back to my moms, I had never truly been alone. My boyfriend had been with me ever since I had moved out at 15. We were together for 6 years, imagine that but we ended up growing a part, just like that. Lovers one day strangers the next. Well at least that how it feels. I decided to quit drugs and got sober but he didn't and then lied about it, after so much of trying to help him and stick it through I kinda gave up and became distant. Leaving for university meant I was going to be alone for the very first time and that really terrified me. All on my own in a new city, the idea was absolutely terrifying, but I did it. I made the choice and followed through with it. I made it all on my own and it was so liberating. It boosted my confidence and proved to myself and everyone else that ever doubted me that I could make it and that I DID!

After 8 months of being on my own I met someone who I ended up spending 3 years with. The damaged he caused to my confidence ran deep. He made me feel like I couldn't make it without him and I couldn't see a life beyond him. I thought I'd never ever have the strength to leave him. I had tried more than once but I always ended up going back. After trying to leave a couple times and it not working I had finally given up on that idea completely when I reconnected with an old friend at Christmas. All the while thinking that although this man was amazing and perfect for me I doubted I could really leave my boyfriend. I just couldn't see myself living without him. It wasn't just about not wanting to be alone anymore (I had the opportunity to not be alone and be with someone else plenty of times), I was emotionally invested and I knew leaving him would really hurt and it ended up hurting more then I thought it would. But I did it, I packed my stuff and left. I made the plans to go through with it and although I kept thinking I'd back out any minute, I didn't. I stayed strong and followed my instincts. The pain afterwards was almost unbearable and it took an enormous amount of strength to deal with and not go back.

Also when I found out I was pregnant I got really scared that I'd have to give up on my dreams. I was scared of my life changing in ways I wasn't really ready for. I had just moved in with that old friend I had reconnected with (and absolutely fallen in love with) and I needed time to grieve my past relationship, adjust and rebuild my new relationship (still kinda do need those things). I needed, and still need, stability. I was so worried about losing everything I had invested in my education, all the money and the time. It was a pretty significant amount but I pulled my big girl pants on and decided to face the situation head on (well not without some groaning and moaning on my part, lol). I sat down and figured a way to make my education work with this unexpected surprise on the way. Not to mention that after I got over the fear of losing things that were important to me at the time I got pretty excited when I realized exactly what I was gaining. Now I even have this fierce determination to protect and give this child the best life possible, its not so much about me anymore. Its weird how my way of thinking changed all of a sudden and I can only just imagine how much more that feeling is going to set in once my baby is actually born. Its hard and scary but I'm making it work because I'm strong, determined, resourceful and caring. So this will all work out, I'll make sure of it!

I would also like to add that all these accomplishments wouldn't of been possible without the support from the people closest to me. It made all the difference and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart <3<3<3

Charmed

The Unexpected Surprise! I'm Pregnant!

I didn't see this one coming that's for sure. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me being pregnant. I would have said no way, not possible, I have to finish my last year of university first. I thought I was being careful but in the heat of the moment when I thought I couldn't possibly ovulating 2 days after my period ended so we slipped and boom I'm pregnant from just that one time. It's true it only takes that one time. We’re guessing the baby was conceived between the 24th to the 26th of February, and the first day of my last period was on the 18th of February. I'm happy it’s with someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I know he will make an amazing father. We were already planning on getting married right after my graduation in the summer of 2015 and having kids shortly after that. It just happened a little sooner than anticipated which will be hard on my schooling but hopefully still doable. Finishing my school is really important to me since I've already spent four years in university and racked up a pretty big debt I got a lot invested in finishing. Thankfully my hubby doesn't mind finding a job that will give him the hours he needs to be at home while I'm at school or taking parental leave.

Even though this was a pretty big unexpected surprise that we weren't ready for, when I took the first test a little early, 2-3 days after my expected period, and it turned out negative I was a little disappointed. Although relieved because I knew this wouldn't be the right time I still longed for a family. It’s something I wanted and I suppose that's probably the reason we weren't as careful as we could have been. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason. When the second test turned positive I was sitting in the bathroom and a big smile came across my face. Trying to hold the smile back I walk up to my hubby with the straightest face I could muster up and handed him the pee stick he had just went and bought for me. I couldn't believe how happy he was, like I knew he wanted a family with me but we have only been together since January. I can't believe how fast things are moving and I think that's a major reason why I'm nervous and a little scared. I'm happy, nervous, scared, excited, and anxious and all these other emotions combined. I've been so emotional lately I feel extra sensitive and things hurt me easily. I'm also easily irritated and bitchy. I believe and hope that the hormones are the reason with have been arguing more lately. It's so stressful and scares me all the more. I don't want a child around all this arguing so I really hope this is just a phase.

Well I got referred to an OBGYN by my methadone doctor and he is sending me to get blood work done sometime next week. I was going down on my meth but started feeling really sick this past week so went back up again to the dose I was originally at. As for the baby, he is due Nov 26th and we think it might be a boy but either way we want both so it doesn't really matter. We have picked Ethan for a boy and Autumn or Alexis for a girl. I can't wait to go for the ultra sound but that's not for another couple weeks since I'm only 6 weeks pregnant. My mom bought me a pregnancy journal that I've already started filling out and we told quite a few people already which has me a little worried because anything can happen in the first 3 months. The stresses about money that I blogged about, aren't helping both because he isn’t working yet and my student loans are all gone. Plus the fact that we have over 1000$ in bills kind of has me freaking out. So I'm hoping I sell a couple of the healing trees I made on eBay and make some extra money. I am working all weekend, Friday to Monday, not sure how that's going to be on the body especially with the methadone not being adjusted to what I needed at yet. I feel nauseous and tired often. Well I hope all goes well and things get better. Fingers crossed.

Addiction Recovery Reflections

Bearing it all out there, flaws and all for everyone to see, as my first step to changing and growing and this started all because of that one special person in my life that I want to make feel love and worth it beyond what mere words can express. You make me want to be a better person.

One Must Know In Order to Grow,

In Order to Grow One Must Know.

I've known for a while now that I have a couple major flaws that affect many areas of my life but most of all my close relationships. I'm very stubborn, I have a hard time taking blame or responsibility and I assume things which end up hurting me. I know this is brought on by deep emotional insecurities of not being good enough. I assume that people think the worst because that's how I see myself and I can't take blame because that will somehow make me less. I've been trying to change the way I see myself and value myself more so that I might be able to be confident enough to take responsibility and not to assume the worst. This really trying to change only came about recently when I fell in love with someone just as stubborn as me. This makes arguments very, very intense but so is our love for each other and that's the reason why I want to change instead of giving up. In the past I've been in relationships with men who eventually learnt to let me win arguments so I've never had reason to change. It’s extremely hard for me to own up to something especially when I feel like the other person played their part in it also. Part of this is because of my trust issues and feel like if I give in that maybe I'm being manipulated. I feel like they’re the reason I felt and acted that way and that's what makes it difficult for me to own up to it. I know that way of thinking is part of the problem and instead of thinking that way I need to start accepting the fact that although their actions caused me to feel a certain way it wasn't their intention to make me feel that way. I need to accept that fact and own up to over reacting or taking it the wrong way. But what would be even better would be to prevent the whole situation by simply not assuming or jumping to conclusions. I need to ask questions and get clarification in a calm manner and maybe avoid the argument in the first place. I know that this is the quick fix and still doesn't address the cause of the issue in the first place which would be my insecurity that I'm not good enough. This is a slow process for me and won’t be done overnight because this insecurity is rooted deep in me and I'm hypersensitive to the words and actions of the ones I care about. I need to find a way to get to the root cause of all this and decide what to do to change it. In order to grow one must first know.

Sincerely Charmed

Stressing About Money

Being a student isn't easy, now add to that the stresses about money and it can really take focus away from my schooling. Around the end of the school year is when I tend to run out of my student loans and bills start pilling up, also moving didn't help the money situation. I do work one shift on weekends but that's definitely not enough and working more would impact my performance at school. So I decided to start selling healing trees that I make myself on ebay to help pay bills and not to mention that  doing these trees really helps relieve stress and worry, its good for my recovery and to center myself again. I was really depending on this because I'm way pass the point of running out of money, I have no money and about 1000$ in bills. I know right, total freak out mode here, and finals are just around the corner. So when I finally sold my first tree on eBay for 50$ I was all like YES!! a bit of money coming in. Oh but no, that's not how it went down. When I tried transferring the money from Paypal account to my bank, I did the opposite, so from my bank to my Paypal. Thing is I have no money in my bank, so guess what? That's a 45$ charge on my bank account for it bouncing and as hard as I tried I couldn't cancel the transfer when I realized what had happen. The bank said we can try and put stop payment on it but its going to cost you 15$ and we can't guarantee it wont bounce. GREAT! So your telling me you want 15$ that I don't have and you cant even guarantee I wont get charged another 45$ for a bounced payment. Well NO thank you! So what do I do? I call PayPal and they said no sorry nothing we can do once the authorization is sent. Just Perfect. They end up telling me to transfer the money for the tree to my bank and maybe it will be in my bank in time so it doesn't bounce. So I did, I was desperate but ya you probably guess it, the money didn't make it in time so I was charged 45$. That means the money I made from my tree covered the bounce fee and I'm still broke. So the time spent doing the tree and the cost of supplies was out of my own pocket. At that point I disappointed but determined to do something to sell some of my trees. I decided to post my trees on Facebook and on a buy and sell site but I still haven't had any luck. I'm still hoping my luck turns around and something good happens soon. Wish my luck and if you want to take a look at my healing trees on ebay here's the link: HEALING TREES

Thanks,
Charmed

That One Decision That Changed Everything

I never really believed that anything like this could ever actually happen to me. That the perfect guy for me would walk into my life, sweep me off my feet and take me away from my unhappy and most of all unhealthy relationship. I thought things like that only existed in books and movies. Having someone just so perfectly matched for me, it was like he was made for me. I never thought in a million years that someone could complete me so spiritually, physically and emotionally to the point of having me believing in soul mates. I have to tell you it’s all so weird how it happened that I don't doubt that it was anything else but fate that brought us together. The signs were all there continually reminding me that I was making the right decision by moving forward with this man. We continually read each other minds, finished each other’s sentences and would send each other the exact same text at the exact same time. We have so much in common, it really feels like he is my other half. We both love deeply and know how to show it. Every day I wake up feeling loved and cherished, and I've never had that before. I never could have imagine love could feel this good.

Leaving my ex wasn't something I thought I could do because when I love, I love deeply. I didn't think I was strong enough or ready because honestly I still loved the guy no matter how unhappy I was. No to mention the way it happened, me meeting my soul mate while still living with my ex. Something about the whole situation didn't sit right with me, I'm not that type of person, when I'm committed, I'm committed and loyal. But being with this guy, the way he made me feel and the way we connected, all of it just felt so right that I just had to do something about it. I hate lying and I can't be with two people at once which meant that I had to move fast. I didn't want to give myself to this amazing man if I was still living with my ex so I just had to move out. And I know from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't have left my ex for anyone else but my soul mate, the one person that I'd want to marry without hesitation, the one person I'd see as the best father for my future children and the one person I can see myself spending forever with. Just to be clear on this, I've never found someone that I absolutely wanted forever. Don't get me wrong I've been in love before but I could never picture forever with someone, I always thought this won’t last, I know it’s sad but it’s true. This man and my one decision to leave my ex for him has changed the entire course of my life. It was the ultimate game changer. A life changer. In that one single moment the course of my entire life changed forever.

When I look at him I see everything I'll ever need. I see my future. It's pretty amazing to have someone love and trust me as much as I trust them. We both want the same things in life and he supports my dreams and my schooling. Everything happened all so fast, we hung out for the first time on Christmas when I was down visiting my mom for the holidays. Then he relocated from my hometown to where I'm living now on January 15th to be closer to me and I guess to win me over because he knew he just had to have me. Despite knowing he wanted me he was really patient and understanding, giving me all the time I needed. I ended up moving out of my ex and moving in with him on February 7th. It was all very hectic and hard since I was grieving my past relationship and dealing with school. I was in so much emotional pain the first week, the pain almost felt unbearable but he was there for me, understanding and not judging, not getting upset that I was in pain over my last relationship. We both moved in to this new place on the same day so we had to start from the beginning, making it livable, making it home. It was hard but it was so worth it.

Charmed

Poem: Loving The Damaged Parts of My heart

This Poem is dedicated to that special person who made me believe that love doesn't have to hurt. 

The time spent hurt and alone

In the presence of one that would never know

The depths of my soul that would never heal

To understand would be to feel

Now left damaged and untrusting

For someone to find loving

The damaged parts that I've become

To pick them up and make them home

For only one with a soul replicated

Could love the parts I've hated

Mirrored souls become one mind

Left for my other half to find

In the deep reaches of my mind

There you will find a love so kind

That hides behind walls so tall

Only a true heart can make them fall

By one who accepts my damaged parts

Cherishing the broken pieces of my heart

Never needing for them to be put together

Seeing the beauty in its disaster

Yours truly, Charmed

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Doubt When Making Changes

I wrote this post right after New Year's Eve this year but didn't know if I should post it. But I finally decided to let my thoughts of that moment be known. I've changed many things in my life and it doesn't get any easier the more times I do it. Changes still scares me. I usually fight it every step of the way trying to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. Although when my heart’s desire becomes greater than the fear, my soul finds the courage to carry on as planned. Taking that leap, that risk that might just change everything.

From last Christmas to this Christmas so much has happened, so much has changed, but still so much is still the same. I'm almost in the same position I was a year ago. I'm in a relationship where I'm rarely happy but God, the Goddess, destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it, has seen fit to put another man in my life to give me another chance at happiness, if only I have the courage to reach out and take the opportunity given to me. This is not something I do carelessly or easily, be it bad or good, all my choices are calculated, exploring every possibly; the things that can go wrong and the things that can go right. I tend to over analyze everything and get lost in my own mind. I'm obviously a Pisces but being a Pisces also means that I rely a lot on my instincts and emotions which are an important part of the calculating process.

When I make the decision to go ahead with something it’s with a lot of thought and care, which sometimes makes me hesitate and I miss out on the wonderful opportunity given to me. It’s really helping that my emotions are really strong for this person, I can’t believe how much I feel connected to him and it all just feels so right. On the other hand I'm nervous and scared because I've been fooled before and I've learnt not to trust my instinct. I'm not saying this person isn't a wonderful person but what if he changes with time and becomes someone completely different, its happened to me before. On top of that I'm really scared about having to deal with the guy I'm in a relationship with, I know he will make it hard for me to leave. He will fight and I don't completely trust him to let me leave with all my things. I don't even want to think about how that's going to work or how it will even happen. See I'm over thinking everything again why can't I stop doubting myself.

PS. Check out the Crystal Healing Trees I make myself. They are super pretty and I find they can be very soothing and healing.

Charmed