Thursday, February 21, 2013

Why A Relapse ?

I was going from page to page reading blogs from parents of addicts and I got this idea that maybe I should talk about why I had so many relapses or even went back to active use before actually quitting. It seems like this might benefit people who want to understand why people relapse. I'm sure its very frustrating to have a love one relapse after doing so good for so long or even if it was just a little amount of time. It might make you feel hopeless like they will never get better or make you want to stop trying to help them. If you believe that's the right decision for you then you should definitely do it but for the rest of you maybe this will give you a little bit of hope that all is not lost because of a relapse or even a step back into active use. When their ready to try again and they've learned the lesson they needed from that experience then that time might be the time they stay clean for good, so offering them help might be make a difference in them staying sober. I know it might be hard to look at it every time and think this might be the time they stay sober for good because of all the pass disappointments. But giving them confidence by letting them know you think that this time is the time it will stick might actually help it stick. I know this isn't for everyone and sometimes we have given all we can give and we might want to not take part in it, this time. You have your reason and I respect that. Sometimes what's best for us is to take a step back and just let things happen as they may. This post is more about giving a little hope that all is not lost just because of a relapse.

In my case, it took me a few relapses and even went into active use again before getting sober for good. It wasn't an easy journey that's for sure but I wasn't ready because I still had something to learn from my addiction. My relapses where mostly caused by not knowing how to deal with the pain when something hurtful happened, but not just that, it had to be followed by the perfect opportunity to use. Either by being around it, having easy access to it or being with someone who had easy access to it. The more times this happened the more I realized that using wasn't the answer that it didn't really make things better. That's something I had to learn for myself, doesn't matter how many times I heard it from others. When I'd go to use again, I wouldn't let myself really think about it, Id just do it because the more I thought about it the more I knew I shouldn't do it. It was only once Id actually used that I realized it wasn't as good as I remembered it and the guilt was really unbearable. I felt like I had failed myself. My relapses gave me the ability to stop and really think about it before using. And today I have the strength to take the time to realize that the guilt and the side effects aren't worth it, and that the high isn't as good as I make it out to be.

I relapsed because I wasn't strong enough yet. I built that strength and resolve with every mistake I made. I really had to hit rock bottom in my mind, not in anyone else's mind but mine. I did something that I never thought I'd do and once I crossed that line I knew I was done, that I wouldn't have this life much longer. Don't get me wrong I crossed a lot of lines but that one, that one really hit home for me for some reason. It made me realize just how bad drugs could be, if they could make me do that. It was too big for me to get use to and explain away or just forget. I can't quite explain why that one was worst than the other stupid mistakes but it was. Maybe it was just an accumulation of  the stupid shit I did and its just so happened that this time it was one too many. I guess we all have to find that moment when we realize this really is rock bottom and if we don't change we will lose ourselves forever. The more I relapsed, the more it stuck with me that the high wasn't fun anymore, and it also wasn't about being social and having a good time anymore. It made me understand that their was no controlling my drug use, I was only fooling myself. I relapsed because I still had something to learn and now that I've learned it I'm able to stay sober. Relapsing didn't mean I'd never get sober it just made me a better and stronger person from the lessons learned.