Tuesday, February 05, 2013
The Shock of My Mother Suicide Attempt
Wow! What a heavy subject for me to talk about. I've been trying to avoid this topic for many reasons, but I think it's finally time I acknowledge it, understand how it affected me and let it go. The summer after 9th grade I was enrolled in summer school because I had stopped going to school about half way through my second semester. But after the first day I really didn't want to go to summer school anymore.
On that first day I found out my teacher was a previous junior high teacher that I really didn't get along with. He was always singling me out in religion class because I smoked cigarettes and when I wanted to join the basketball team that he coached he didn't let me pass the try outs because I smoked. He didn't try to help in anyway but made things worst, now that's not a good teacher.
Anyways so the second day I didn't want to go at all but my Mom really wanted me too. So we fought most of the morning until she finally dropped me off at school. We fought often in the morning since we weren't really morning people although she would probably like to think so I left school on my first break to go back home because the teacher was being stupid again trying to make fun of me.
I was almost there when my moms boyfriend passed by me and asked me to get in (that was unusual). I cant really remember what he said to me in car but he must of told me what was going on because when we go to the hospital I jumped out of the car and ran inside looking for my mom. They wouldn't tell me where she was, I felt like no one was telling me anything or maybe I wasn't listening. I was just trying to find my mom.
As soon as the nurse came out of the locked door to the emergency rooms, I ran in. I spotted my mom in the second room, they didn't even have the door shut so I saw her having a seizure, convulsing, eyes rolling in the back of her head, drooling, whoever that was, that definitely wasn't the mom I remembered. I was in utter shock, I was terrified, my mind kinda went blank like I was losing myself, its like my mind locked down and said nooooooo, NO you shouldn't be seeing this.
I turned around to run out but my aunt who had found her stopped me and said see what you did to your mom, this is your fault. WHAT!!?? I didn't even let her respond I ran and ran until I found a phone and called the person I was closest to at the time (the person I still wish I was close too) and asked him to come meet me. Then I only remember running and running and running. That blame stuck with me for a long time, it made me pissed at everyone, all of the time but especially at my aunt and my mom for blaming me.
How ever bad I was before I'd be even worst now, Id give them a reason to blame me. That's when I really stopped caring about what happened to me. Anything I got my hands on I'd do to get high and I was just so very angry. I fought, I yelled, I threw things around or at people. I stopped listening to anyone. I was for a lack of a better word F-ING Pissed. But also at myself for not being a better daughter.